Fight Club

Sometimes I feel like my life would be easier if I could just meet Satan in the pit and punch the bastard in the face.

I'm such a confrontational person, and this isn't something I'm proud of. Satan knows how to get to us best, and in my case it's through my mental illness. A bad day for a normal brain can usually be cleared up with some chocolate, a good sleep, a long bath, etc. For me it's a spiral into depression that I have to literally pull myself out of and it takes it's toll, physically and emotionally.

It's so much easier to give in, to sleep all day, to cry about hating everything, to cry about hating myself, to feel bad about myself.

But I'm not that person anymore. I've been doing so well, and I'm better at pulling myself out of these fogs, but it doesn't keep that SOB from trying anyway. When I pulled myself out of that terrible place 2 years ago, I used to visually imagining myself hitting Satan in the face with every thing I did for myself.

Wake up, hit him.
Take a shower, hit him.
Make myself eat something, hit him.
Get in the car and drive to the sanctuary that was my mother's house, watch him fall.

Now that my shields are stronger, my heart is stronger, my mind is stronger, it's a lot harder for him to get in. I'm short tempered, and I'm stubborn. I'm not the kind of person people want to make angry. So it drives me nuts, when I feel these fogs coming in, and as much as I try to stop it my brain is sick, and it can only do so much. And I know it's him. I know it's evil. And the confrontational side of me is screaming at him to come see me in person and fight me like evil should instead of lurking in the shadows of my mind.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. But I have long since decided my mental illness no longer defines who I am or what I do. I am a firm believer that you can take charge of your life and pull yourself up and do something. I'm living proof of that. It doesn't come easily, and I thank the Lord for my provisions. He gave me the tools, but I did the effort. I decided to stop crying every day. I decided to stop living in a constant state of anxiety. I went out and got the help I needed spiritually and mentally.

I hate that I have to rely on medication, but that's something I know I can come to terms with too.

I'm not the weak person I was 2 years ago. And even though the fog comes in sometimes, it always clears.

If nothing else, I hope that my life will help others see that they too can overcome anything. I truly believe this. I wouldn't be where I am in life if I didn't.

Go after your dreams, whether it's overcoming a mental illness or doing something in life, do it. Evil can't stop you.

Getting It Out

I feel like I've reached a weird place in life where I am actually about to graduate from college and I am faced with the ever awful, "what now?"

I feel obliged to take jobs near my husband, to learn Japanese because I am in Japan, and to keep to those "safe" routes of life. But I didn't go after this degree to be safe.

I spent the evening with K talking about our future and the things I am stressing out about. On one hand I want to pursue my dreams, but what does that mean? It means that no matter what, in 5 years K has to go back to the U.S. I, however, don't have to. If I land my dream job I can keep working there, sending him and my son to live back in the states without me for 2 years. And of course, I could land this job while we are overseas, still sending me into a career that takes me away from my family for extended periods of time.

It makes me feel like I am a bad mother. I want to pursue this job that leaves my son without his mother and despite technology, I don't know how often I will see him. It's a choice I have to make. I could get into a job, not like it, and quit. At least at the end of the day, I can say I pursued my dreams.

But what if I love my job?

What if it's everything I thought it would be and I don't want to quit. Am I still that bad mom?

K is the most supportive person in my life. He encourages me to do what I want to do, insisting he and B will be fine without me and we can just take things as they come. It doesn't make me feel any less guilty though.

Why do I have to feel guilty? Why do I have to feel like I'm choosing between my career and family and not making it work out so I can have both? I have a husband who is willing to let his wife live in another country for 2 years by herself if it means she's achieving her dreams. The person who is holding me back is me.

I just feel a bit lost. Do I take a break in learning Korean and concentrate on Japanese before getting back into Korean. Do I try both? Do I say screw Japanese and go hard at Korean? Because I can't do anything overseas if I can't hold a conversation with anyone in the industry.

These are the anxieties keeping me up at night, running over and over in my mind until I burst into tears in the middle of KFC when K makes a passing comment about eating dinner at home.

I just wish I didn't feel like I was neglecting one part of my life by going for another. My mind tells me to stop, and I don't even know if I will ever even end up in my dream jobs? But, I still want to try.

And after all of this, all of the encouragement and deciding "I can do this" once again. I feel scared.

I feel like I'm going after something that so many people think will never happen for me. I'm the kind of person who really digs in her heels and achieves what she wants, but it doesn't come without hard work and tears.

I can't find a job as it is, so I am going to spend the next 6 months studying another language like it's my duty in life and really give life my all. After tonight, I feel that empowerment again. Just a year ago I was scared of even applying to school again. But I'm doing it, I'm finishing my degree, I'm learning another language (possibly 2) and I'm going to go after my freaking dream job.

I'll probably just cry a lot in between. You know, anxiety and all.

Minimizing Your Life

If I have learned anything at all from this move it is how little I actually need in my life. I almost feel like I could get rid of most of the things I left in storage because I just don't need it nor want it?

I've been virtually living out of a suitcase for almost 3 months. I am in the process of washing and cleaning all of our clothes that got shipped over and I find myself getting rid of most of them. I just don't need it, not to mention I don't have the room for all of it.

The best part about getting rid of all of this stuff is the opportunity to get more things. There really is something to replacing whatever it is you're buying.

Don't get me wrong, I love books, shoes, and my k-pop cd collection takes up two shelves on my tv stand. But everything else is just...unnecessary? And getting rid of stuff in Japan is hard. It's not like the U.S. where you can hop on ebay or simply drop off of a box at Vintage Value. I realize now, I don't care if I'm losing money getting rid of some of this stuff. It's just stuff and unfortunately sometimes that means getting rid of things that you think are worth money. Are they worth the stress of finding the money for it?

I realize now it's kind of suffocating to own so much? Going through it all, unpacking and trying to find space for it. It's making me feel overwhelmed and I don't like it at all. I enjoyed having very little to deal with. Especially with where I am in my life where we are going out a lot and the amount of laundry I have to do is something I just don't have time for.

So I guess the point of this post is to say, if you ever want to minimize your lifestyle, live out of a suitcase for a month. Just a month, don't allow yourself clothes from anywhere else in your house. Pick out whatever fits in the suitcase and work from that alone.

I think you'll be surprised how much you'll want to get rid of things afterwards.

Let All That You Do Be Done In Love

Today our agent was kind enough to take us to meet our neighbors. She translated for us an introduction to who we were and where we were living. While getting ready I put on a long sleeved shirt and a band aid over my tattoo on my wrist. Japan is a country that has a stigma against tattoos, and while it's not uncommon to see a foreigner with one, I wanted to respect their tradition and culture. I'm not ashamed of my tattoo, but I am respectful and try to be as mannerly as possible. Americans are not always welcomed here, and not everyone agrees the U.S. should be on their soil. After I arrived here a Marine was convicted for the rape and murder of a 20 year old woman in Okinawa. My husband and I discussed this at length, I said to him "isn't it a shame that the majority have to suffer because of the minority?" Obviously most Americans and soldiers do not act disrespectfully. But who will you notice on the streets? The quiet people who did as they should, or the loud obnoxious drunk ones?

My husband's response was perfect, "We just have to show them that we're not all like that." And thus, we try extra hard to insert friendliness and respect wherever we go in the country. We are ambassadors here and we choose to represent that part of our country that is often muted. The ones who aren't full of themselves, loud about their opinions, and often times very very wrong about their entire way of life.

I could go on for days about my dislike for the ignorant country the United States has become, but that's neither here nor there. Back to my tattoo...

My 4-year old could not understand why I was covering it. Why would someone be judgmental of this simple thing on my wrist? He said to me, "but mommy I don't want anyone to be mad at you because of your tattoo." I never said the people would be mad, but that's what he took away from my explanation of them not liking tattoos very much.

I found myself struck with that moment of, "if only people could look at the world the way a child does". Children are raised from the beginning to be loving, kind, sharing, accepting, etc. Where do we go wrong? Where do we suddenly decide we are better than someone else? When do we stop the love?

I often joke that I am the hippie of my family and everyone hates when I go on my rants, but it led me to a discussion about church, the Lord, and raising our son with my husband. I feel as though I was put on this Earth, not to judge, but to be a representation of Christ's love in my life. I have felt led to the places I am in now. I know He has loved and blessed me repeatedly. I hope to be an example of Him. I want people to know me and think "she was so kind" and if the fact that I was Christian comes in to play, I'm glad. I don't hide it, because the Lord is the reason I am here today. Not only because of the breath I have been given, but because of the low points I have reached and how He has called me out of the darkness so many times over.

I am not perfect. I do not always have a kind tongue or warm heart. Especially around those I am comfortable with, who know I can be stubborn and down right mean. Those are not characteristics I enjoy about myself. I constantly aim to change my behavior. I want to encourage others, not show them my nasty side.

My neighbors are lovely, and because of the neighborhood I am in, there are multiple family members in each home. I was greeted by the grandparents of both houses today and they were both the kindest, sweetest people. Knowing next to know English, I have little doubt they wouldn't help me if I needed it somehow.

If everyone acted like this, showed the love and stopped passing so much harsh judgement on each other, what would the world be like?

It takes no effort at all to be nasty, so why does it take effort to be nice?

SHINee World 2016: Tokyo Dome Day 2

I don't think I could have chosen a better first Tokyo Dome concert. Or Japanese concert even.

SHINee are incredibly talented boys, all five have such unique voices that they've developed with such strength that they can dance and sing live for hours. It's impressive, truly.

I knew going into this concert that it was going to be amazing and it truly was.

We started the afternoon with our train rides into Tokyo. We packed all we needed into two backpacks and hit the streets. I must say, as confusing as the train system can be, there are many apps and signs in English that can help you figure out your way. 

The train ride for us is a little over an hour if you include having to switch trains and what not. Luckily one of the trains takes you straight to the Dome.

The Tokyo Dome has a city complex around it with an amusement park and shops. It's enormous but very clean and nice.

We were literally in the second to last row of the stadium, but truly there isn't a bad seat in the house. My only complaint would be that it was a bit harder to hear up top as the echo could only be absorbed so much.

The stadium was filled and as we each got a light stick upon entering the second the lights went down the green sea lit up. It's so incredible to see the amount of people all there to support the same group and I can't imagine being the artist. 

Watching SHINee perform is next level as they are so talented and amazing. However as they did their ments you could see those fun personalities shine through and they had me laughing multiple times.

They were recording for the DVD so they made a few comments about having to be on point and they showed off a lot more (I believe) with that in mind. Lots of cute acts and silly antics. 

Obviously seeing them in person you get blown away with how attractive they are in real life. They literally look like they step straight out of your computer or tv screen onto the stage.

They sang 4 or 5 ballads in a row and little man was instantly lulled to sleep. Who can blame him with 5 honey like voices filling the room? But they performed one of his favorite songs early on and he was so star struck it was cute. He didn't know if he should sing and dance or make sure he watched them!

Their solo performances were so great. Key's was fun and vibrant, Minho sang a cute song and his vocals are so rich. He's come a long way and it shows. He could do more vocals on his own if he wanted I believe. Jonghyun sang Crazy which I loved. Jinki's song blew me, and the entire audience, away. His voice and his breath support is just incredible. I was so impressed and he gave me goosebumps. Taemin was last and sang a bit of a compilation of his album which included One by One, Soldier, and Press Your Number. Soldier is my jam and he sang my favorite part of the song.

There were fan projects for each night and ours spelled out "always with you". It was really neat to see that and be a part of it. The boys were clearly blown away and so grateful. 

They made a point to run to each corner of their stages and now and thank the fans. 

You can see their humble attitudes in all they do. Minho especially was always the last on stage. It was as if he was literally trying to wave to every individual in the audience with his precious smile. He really made you feel warm inside watching him.

All in all my love for this group has only expanded after seeing them live. They deserve to be invited back to the Dome for two nights in a row. Their hard work and talent is apparent. I'm glad to support them. 

After the concert we stayed in a ridiculously nice hotel that was right next to the Tokyo Tower and walking there at night was breath taking. 

I've been to a lot of cities and although I haven't traveled the world much I could definitely say Tokyo has been the cleanest city I've been in so far. Granted I didn't see a lot of it.

Everything about the concert was organized and efficient the Japanese have learned how to handle the massive crowds for sure. 

Anyway, it was a nice overnight trip and introduction to the train system and the Dome. I definitely plan on making more trips up to Tokyo for more concerts so maybe one day I can be confident enough to go without my husband along. (Probably not for a long time but a girl can dream)

Traveling to Japan

So I wanted to talk about getting myself to Japan with nothing by my person and a 4-year old side kick.

Started out by oversleeping and leaving later than I wanted to which meant no coffee, so I'm already on a great start. But it gets better.

I proceed to get into the airport with my two suitcases, three carry-on's and son. Get to the check in and it won't work. Get to the counter the man says "Oh, these are government tickets and they weren't paid for yet."

"Can I just pay for them myself?" I ask him, ready to set the airport on fired.

"Do you have a government credit card?"

"No, I'm just the dependent."

"Then no, I'm sorry."

So panic is setting in. My flight takes off in a little over an hour and I haven't even gotten to security. I call up the husband and begin to panic. He tells me to call the travel agency the company uses. I call them and get this old guy with the thickest Boston accent I have ever heard who tells me "Oh you need to call Helen in Virginia." So I try to sound nice and hang up and call Helen. Helen is very nice, she is immediately concerned with this and tells me she's going to walk downstairs and take care of it personally to sit tight.

I call the husband in tears at this point because although everything can be fixed, I'm already feeling weird about the whole moving to another country bit on top of everything going wrong.

So Helen calls me back, tickets have been paid for. I go to check in and the lady tells me I have to take 10 collective lbs out of my suitcases. So I basically end up carrying even more crap then I originally intended on doing.

Plus I have a 4 year old.

So somehow I manage to get through security, stop at the convenience store, grab juice and milk, take my magic happy pills, get chocolate milk into my kid, get on first plane.

First plane ride was just fine. B did great, he was a little nervous, but he enjoyed it. I fed him some yogurt from the convenience store and he was excited to get sprite. He played his gameboy and I tried to relax and rest.

We land on that plane and we end up being close to the last ones off because, again I'm carrying three bags and have a 4-year old. We have literally an hour until the other plane takes off. I get on the train, get to the gate, get to another convenience store and stock up on some protein bars, cheeze its (a must with B) and some waters. We get back in line in time for them to start calling the zones. There are some perks to looking like a ruffled mother with too many bags and her kid. 1. I had a military passport, meaning I was traveling on my orders. So when the people saw the red they mostly just let me go. I get on the plane which is a house on wheels. The flight attendant sees my struggle and immediately helps me out and takes my bag to put up into the thing for me. We get settled in and it's a bit tight, but it wasn't terrible. I'm so glad I chose aisle seats because I was able to stand up and move about a lot easier. The girls in our row were very kind and I'm pretty sure B's head was resting against one of their arms while he slept.

Which was only for 2 hours.

Out of the 12 hours flight.

But he was great, he just played and watched movies and I actually had to make him mad and stand up and stretch and move around and go potty. He was content sitting there for 12 hours doing nothing. He's my kid, what can I say?

The flight was otherwise uneventful. We landed a few minutes early and had to wait for the next plane to move out of our gate. Well, B decided that was the time to fall asleep and passed OUT. So I literally waited for everyone to get off the plane before even beginning to get him to move. Again, another flight attendant sees my struggle and takes one of my bags to the end of the plane for me. B is slow moving, still half asleep and I'm glad we were there for good because there was no way I would have made a connecting flight with him moving so slow.

We get to customs and immigration and the line is unreal. B tells me as soon as we get into line he has to pee and it's an emergency and the bathrooms are of course the entire distance away from where we are standing. So I gather all of our crap, get him to the potty, and get back in line. We get in line and he starts crying. He wants me to hold him, but I am holding a backpack, a messenger bag that weighs 100 lbs, and dragging his tiny darth vader bag. This only makes him cry harder.

I try and try to get him to settle down, but he's having none of it and so I cave and pick him up. I am literally balancing him on the messenger bag against my stomach and pulling the vader bag. People are, at this point, beginning to make comments. "Oh do you have a connecting flight?" "No, we are here for the next 3 years. My husband is on the other side of this." The nice man in front of me asked if he could carry a bag for me and just as I was going to answer one of the Japanese immigration women came up to me and asked to see my passports. When I showed her she pulled me out of line and took me over to the priority line that had 3 people in it.

God bless this woman, I hope she finds money on the ground.

I get through the rest with no problems. At baggage claim I grab one of those carts that keeps me from dying. I get to customs, the guy sees my passport, asks me if I have any weapons, when I say no he lets me go through.

God bless that lovely man.

Finally, we are reunited with Kurt. B is excited and I go to the convenience store when I find a Japanese magazine with 2PM on it (a band for those who don't know) and I am a happy mom for the 2 hours we have to wait for the next bus because we missed the first one.

It's all good though, the bus showed up and I think B and I were on it for maybe 10 minutes before we both passed out.

All in all, everything could have been much worse. Things could have gone downhill and everything could have been crap. My kid is amazing, he's so excited about being here and he's going to fit in just fine. The husband is also doing amazing and is loving his job and fitting in great.

I have a lot of anxieties still. I don't know anyone here so of course that makes me anxious. The thought that this is my new home for the next few years is still a lot to wrap my head around. But I'm not sad about it. I am still excited for the adventure. I see things and I think "I can't wait for people to visit me so I can show them this." I've started leaving post its of Japanese words all over the house in hopes of learning it quicker. I also hope after my classes on base, I will find a Japanese course I can take. Once I am more comfortable in the language I will be more comfortable here, I think.

Regardless, we made it! We are safe! And God's plans are better than our own.

Everything Changes

Today's a day like any other, but I am changed. 

I am a mother.

Oh, in an instant, and who I was has disappeared.

It doesn't matter, now you're here.

So innocent.

I was lost for you to find, and now I'm yours and you are mine.

Two tiny hands, a pair of eyes, an unsung melody is mine for safekeeping and I will guard it with my life.

I'd hang the moon for it to shine on him sleeping.

Starting here and starting now, I can feel the heart of how everything changes.

My heart's at the wheel now, and all my mistakes, they make sense when I turn them around.

Everything changes.

What I though was so permanent fades, and I swear I'll remember to say we were both born that day.

Oh, and it's true. What did I do to deserve you?

I didn't know, but now I see, sometimes what is, is meant to be.

You saved me.

My blurry lines, my messy life, come into focus in a tied.

Maybe I can heal, and I can breath.

Because I can feel myself believe that everything changes.

My heart's at the wheel now, and all my mistakes, they make sense when I turn them around.

Everything changes.

What I though was permanent fades, and I swear I'll remember to say we were both born that day.

Oh, and it's true. What did I do to deserve you?

Thank God for you.

I'm not stressed, just taking my overwhelmed-ness with style...

This month I had two classes instead of my normal 1. Which means the 20-30 hours of work I get in a class is now 40-60 hours. On top of working 40 hours a week, and oh yeah, I'm a mom.

Luckily a blizzard came through and I was able to kill 90% of my homework during that time. However, my house is still a mess (and now salt is tracked through it despite my best efforts), my homework still isn't finished, laundry isn't done, and I'm moving out of the country in a couple of months.

I would just like to make a shout out to the United States Postal Service for being, by far, the most unhelpful waste of my time I have ever had to deal with. I should have to A.) Pay over $100 for a passport and B.) Have to physically make an appointment at the post office and then proceed to come back to get the service taken care of. It's 2016, the internet exists for a reason. At least let me set my appointment up online!

On top of already losing my birth certificate and marriage license this year, the USPS now has the new copies for "X" amount of months and I still have to take those original copies to someone in the government for a different type of passport. And to clarify, I am the one that lost the certificates, not the USPS.

So long story short, getting paperwork done is stressful enough without having my own stupidness making it worse.

And as much time as I have spent on moving stuff around my house from one room to another, I feel beyond overwhelmed. I know I am making life easier for myself by organizing things. I know I am actually taking big chunks out of the moving process. But now there's piles of stuff in every room in my house and my OCD is not feeling it.

I will be happy the day the movers show up and clear out my house. Because despite the fact that I am trusting other people to touch my stuff (Lord be with me and my anxiety), I will at least have until May to not have to worry about that.

If this jumbled mess of thoughts doesn't say it enough. I'm kind of overwhelmed with life. I am just trying really hard to pretend that I'm not.

End of an Era...but not really.

Growing up in a military town means that I've watched a lot of people come and go in my life. With the expansion of technology, I've also learned how to keep and maintain friendships strictly over the internet. In my life, I have had the luxury of being able to keep a group of girls with me since the 9th grade. We made it through high school together, learning how to cope with not all having the same lunch period. We made it through college, getting through as one of us went away to school and another studied abroad for a semester. We've learned the transitions of new relationships that have grown into marriages. We've grown up, but we never grew apart. Our time together has become fewer and far between, and it's crazy to think it started off by us seeing each other every single day for 180 days straight.

As we are continuing to grow, we are starting to move apart. It's crazy to think that we have been given such amazing opportunities to spread our wings and fly. And while we are leaving some behind, I have no doubt in my mind that God has a plan for each and every one of us and He will let that plan come to light as time goes on.

Tonight I said goodbye to a dear friend. This goodbye was not forever, I know I will see her again soon. And with help from my dear friend, social media, I will see her often. However, we have once again taken another step away from those every day hangouts for 45 minutes in the cafeteria into adulthood. It's sad to face these changes and know that with growing up and pursuing goals we have to separate ourselves from people we love and cherish. It doesn't mean we stop being friends, stop loving them, or even stop seeing them. It just means those visits get a little more spread out.

My sister asked me if I was sad that I was saying goodbye to my dear friend. Someone I have known and trusted with my life for over 10 years. I told her no, I wasn't sad because this year I already know I will see her at least once more. However, the years after that are blurry, and I'm so thankful that our parents decided to stay in the same area because eventually we will all come home to see them. And hopefully that will be a similar time. I'm not sad because I know that even though I am putting an ocean between us, my best friends have high hopes of saving up enough money to come see me at some point. And I have the ability to come home and see them at least once a year. I'm not sad because I know I have the internet on my side. I can facetime, Skype, Hangout, or even just Snapchat anyone I want at any given time. Letting them know they are on my mind and that I love them. That's what is most important.

I'm sad to face this change because where we once were standing together, hand in hand, facing the world and it's challenges and holding each other up; we are not separated a bit more. Our hands are still clasped, but our arms are stretched. We have been through separations before, and we will go through more, but that doesn't make my heart ache any less at knowing these sweet girls will not be just a few minutes from me.

I'm sad to send one of my best friends off because I selfishly wish we could be together forever in our lame little town where nothing ever happens and there's nothing to do. But I am happy to know we are brave enough to explore other options, careers, and new lives for ourselves. I am happy to know we have the support of each other, through thick and thin.

These girls are 4 of my very best friends. They have stuck with me through good times and bad. We have been friends for so long, and it would be silly for us to stop now. I look forward to continue moving forward with them. I'm sad that our arms are stretching a little further, but I know that we will never let go of each other's hands. I love you girls, thank you for holding my hand.

And so it begins...

The stress of moving is one that I don't think anyone wishes on their worst enemies. The stress of moving overseas, and figuring out what can come (basic necessities) and what can stay (literally almost everything) is hard work. On top of that is the normal amount of trying to organize rooms so that when the movers come in they don't screw anything up.

I began going through B's toys today. I recently went through them before Christmas so I knew what I was dealing with, however, I wanted to put aside the toys that are not coming with us to Japan so that I had one thing marked off of my check list. Not to mention I was putting away new toys at the same time. The problem is once I started, I wanted to somehow blow through the entire house tonight. New Years Eve and I am in the mood to re-organize my life, go figure.

I had to force myself to step away. My house is a mess, the tree is covered in presents, the kitchen hasn't seen a clean dish in over a week, and my floor needs vacuumed more than anything. I start school again Monday and it's two classes and all I can think is I am working full time, taking two classes, and trying to move at the same time.

*deep breaths* shall be my new mantra this next couple of months. The good news is, K is leaving first and once he leaves the "moving" part is pretty much over. After that it's just me and B and my mom's basement (I invited myself, but I know she doesn't mind :P) moving only myself and my son and our limited clothing will be 100 times easier than moving K and the entire house.

That being said, I will probably be spending the next few weekends going through my stuff. I want to box up some things on my own that I don't feel comfortable letting movers touch all over and basically just toss things in boxes.

My OCD is having panic attacks, but I am forcing myself to just breath and keep going.

That being said, if anyone has the urge to just vacuum my entire house and clean my kitchen, you're welcome over at any time. I will be somewhere in the house frazzled and organizing piles and piles of stuff.

Do you believe Me when My answer is "wait"?

Sunday morning as I sat in church and listened to my Pastor preach, I'll admit I was not paying as much attention as I could have been. We are currently teaching little B how to sit through church and so keeping him occupied without disrupting the entire congregation is sometimes a bit trying. However, I heard my Pastor as he spoke about love, forgiveness, and dealing with people you have a problem with. In that moment, I loved his words, but I didn't necessarily feel like it was something I needed to know in that moment.

The Lord knows better.

This week I have been faced with different trials in my life having to deal directly with other people. The Lord knew on Sunday how my temper fires me up and that He needed to put my fire out before it even started. As I have been very angry and frustrated with people in my life this week, I have remembered my Pastor's words and my Lord's words to me.

I have also been feeling very down about my current situation. I am so blessed, I have been given so many great things in my life, however, K and I are ready to move forward. There is a lot we want to do in our careers, and he is ready to make those career changes. However, despite his constant efforts, he has gotten no where in being able to move forward in his career.

Patience is a virtue, this I know, but our hearts still struggle with being patient. We are ready to make a change and we feel as though we are stuck in a sort of state of "limbo" until those changes happen. How long should we try to wait before he should consider his other options? We are sitting on a lot of "what ifs" and we aren't sure where to move.

This morning I opened up a book I have called "Encouragement for Today". I don't read it daily, but I do try to open it when I am struggling in my patience with God. The chapter was on planting seeds, and although she focused a bit more on planting seeds of faith in others she mentioned waiting on God. How we plant the seeds and we can water than, but the Lord is what makes them grow.

K and I have planted our seeds. The Lord knows our hearts and our dreams, we have to be patient as we wait for Him to grow our seeds. I have faith in His plan for us, I know He planted these goals in our hearts for a reason.

This week I am learning the humble lesson of patience. Patience with my friends, patience with my family, and patience with Christ. I am struggling deeply this week with a lot of different things, but I know I can lean on my Lord to help me through it all. He knows my heart, which is so very clear to me after the sermon on Sunday has helped me through my week tremendously. The Lord knows. He knows everything and He has a plan for us. I hope that I can remember this as I continue through my week.

Romans 15:13

13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Matthew 5:16

16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Earth Day

Today B and I went to a friend's house and made a bird feeder from peanut butter and a toilet paper roll. It was a beautiful morning and early afternoon so all of us moms, consequently with all of our boys, got to let the little guys run around the front yard and get some energy out with bubbles and baseballs. B and I came home and immediately hung his feeder outside on our lamp post. I had a feeder out last year and the birds really enjoyed it. I hope they come to like this little one.

I can't help but think of the wonder our Earth truly holds and be so glad that we got to enjoy it's beauty outside in the warm sun this morning. I don't do everything in my power to be "green", but I do try to do little things and make small changes in my family's life to help keep our Earth just a little bit healthier.

The only problem I have with our beautiful Earth are the not-so-lovely creatures that come with it! The bees are enjoying the spring weather that is FINALLY happening in our area and they are out full force. I am a baby, therefore, I am deathly afraid of bees. It's really an unhealthy fear. I know if I leave them alone they'll leave me alone. However, there's just something about a big fat bumble bee buzzing past your head that is unsettling. Even as I write this in the comfort of my living room I see one outside my window and I cringe. I know their importance in the cycle of life, but that doesn't mean I have to like them!

I hope everyone can take a moment today to celebrate earth day and hug a tree.

What Makes You Happy?

For the past two days I have done nothing but write. Sure, I had to be a mom in between those times, but it's really easy to get a lot of writing done during nap time and as soon as the hubby is home. Why am I talking about this? Because writing is what I love! I've always dreamed of writing my own book, and I don't plan on giving up on that dream anytime soon. Lately, everything I've written has been good old fashioned "fan fiction". AKA me taking some original characters (or not so original characters) and living out my fantasies with some of my favorite characters from movies or television in a fiction-type setting. Fun fact: Fanfiction.net is amazing. If you don't want to write it, it's there to read it. Young people get on this site and show off some incredible writing skills. The first time I picked up 50 Shades of Grey I laughed out loud. You guys think that is good sex writing? Hah! You should see what the teenagers are throwing out online! Those books are horrific in comparison and I have never been able to read them because of that reason. Yeah, I said it. The smut sucks. Writing is the only thing I have ever been good at. It took me a long time to realize that, but one day in college while majoring in Social Sciences (my second major in a two year degree)I began writing some fun things on the side. Something, I soon realized, I had been doing since high school. You know how some people get bored in class and doodle on their notebooks? I had a notebook solely dedicated to writing. I would dabble in random stories I've made up, or had started with Ashley and fill notebooks with notes, blurbs, or flat out "chapters". And as I pulled out this notebook in college I realized, "Wow. What if I just wrote for the rest of my life?" Boom. English major. Unfortunately life happened. I got married, got pregnant, and now I stay at home with the best thing that has ever happened to me. But he's getting older, I'm getting older, and me and Ashley just reopened a can of awesome with an old story of ours. I started writing it to be funny, have something fun for her to read at work and me to work on at home. But now I have fallen in love. It's the first original character story I've been able to write for a long time. Besides one, that I am not ready to talk about (Ashley knows). And even though one of the characters is technically hers, it still feels great. I've pumped out so much in two days that I feel my writing cup has finally runneth over. It's times like these when I think to myself, "Yes. I am going to write a book one day." And I swear it will happen. There's a lot I need to do in between, but I know it's something that cannot be forced. One day the idea will come and boom; I'll finally be sitting in a crappy book store somewhere begging people to buy one of my mere 200 copies. It is going to be awesome.

Countdown to 2

My almost 2 year old is already giving me samples of "terrible two" syndrome. This week: the battle of B versus the word "no". Disclaimer: I love my son. Read any of my posts and you will know that I love my son more than life itself. He is the greatest blessing I have ever known. That being said, he is also human. Most moms say that terrible twos is a real thing, some say it's threes; and unfortunate few are wondering when the "terrible" actually stops. I've always regarded moms with respect because I could see from day 1 how stubborn my little boy was. I soon learned that not only was he stubborn (just like his father), but he was incredibly short tempered (I will take blame for this trait). Now that we are only a few short months from reaching 2, his fun little quirks have now enhanced to all out battles. As I stated above, this week it is B versus the word "no". Actually it's B versus any word that comes out of mom's mouth because he truly does not listen to a thing I say. He climbs, he throws, he hits, he pulls; he is 100% boy. Of course this means he doesn't listen to save his life. I take dangerous things from him (like electronics or knives--you know death causing items) and I try to calmly explain that it can hurt him. Unfortunately my words fall on deaf ears because he's laying on the floor screaming bloody murder. I've read parenting articles on this fun toddler stage of life, and I am currently reading a book about raising boys and how scientists believe boys think versus girls. So I try to remember what I've read as I try to approach things in a different light. AKA not just yelling at him and constantly putting him in time out. Again, he could care less. He is beginning to learn, as I have told him since the day he was born, that I can out-stubborn any Dronenburg. This is an unfortunate thing for him as today he tried to climb on the couch to jump on it for probably a good 5 minutes, while I pulled him off and repeated "no" over and over again. Eventually he gave up and is currently on a tent that he knocked on it's side and is jumping on it. As every mom before me, I am left exhausted and ready to throw in the towel. And we are not even 2 yet. I am glad for the family roots in me that have left me unwilling to admit defeat. I refuse to lose to a young child and this fuels me to stay patient and loving. Plus, my kid is cute. And that helps. Needless to say, I know my experienced mothers out there can read this and laugh at my naive and inexperienced nature, and reflect on the times when their own son (or daughter) did the same to them. I know one day I will look back on this post and laugh myself, as B calls me to complain about his own son. Because Karma is real people.

Leelish

Some days I really miss my grandmother. This month we passed the 3 year anniversary of her death, it came and went just like any other day. I had even forgotten until later in the week, and I thought to myself, "Well maybe I am finally healing?" But truth is, I don't think I will ever heal from her loss. She was someone so very special to me, a glue that kept our family together. It still shocks me that she's gone. As morbid as this sounds, since she has passed, I no longer fear death. As mortals, it's so easy to fear something we don't know. It's a scary thought to be gone forever, but now I know she'll be waiting for me. I look forward to death only so I can finally see her again. I've never felt that way until she passed. She was such a kind and loving spirit, and I was so looking forward to her meeting B, something that never happened in this mortal world. I often think, should I have put her hand on my belly while she was on her breathing tube? Should I have let her feel him move and kick? Did she die so that he could live? Weird things like that used to plague my mind. Now I just wish she was here to tell me in person how adorable he is and how much she loves him. When he was first born I felt her around a lot. I had a hard time with my anxiety and learning to balance over-protectiveness and neglect. I wanted to be a good mom without suffocating him. The first few nights I couldn't sleep because I was terrified he'd stop breathing for no reason. And one night I felt her, I can't explain it I just knew she was there by his bassinet. It's like she said, "It's okay, I'll watch him, you sleep." And I slept so good after that because I knew my baby had the most amazing guardian angels. Kurt's grandparents are passed as well, and I often amused myself by the group of passed grandparents swooning over my baby while he slept. Going back to heaven and telling the family all about how amazing B is. There's a lot of hormones happening post birth, don't judge me. I don't really feel her anymore. Not like I used to anyway. I know she's always watching over me and stuff, but her presence isn't as strong in my house and it makes moving on even harder. Maybe this depressing post is a testimony to how much this woman was loved. I could never imagine life without her and now I am living it and it is hell. It never gets easier, you only forget more. The second you remember, the hurt comes back ten fold. I believe that she is in heaven now watching over us. I believe that one day we will see each other again, and I believe I mourned her properly and have tried to continue on with my life. I am not a depressed lunatic who can't get over her grandmother's death. I just miss her. A lot. And those who have gone through this know exactly what I mean.

The Thing About Depression...

Despite my want of a more light-hearted and fun blog, I feel it necessary to touch on this subject; as I have been suffering all week. Depression, in my opinion, cannot really be defined. It can, however, be taken more seriously by more people. Let's face it, everyone feels depressed sometimes! Your brain takes longer to heal over some things then others and that's okay! But because everyone deals with this, it makes it more of a "Well here, just take this" kind of disease then a real life medical problem. I inserted a picture of a comparison of two brains. I saw it the other day and it really struck me how it is something real.

I would not say I have suffered from depression for my entire life, but I have suffered from anxiety. It was one of those things I suffered with as a young child that went away for a random period of time until I hit puberty and it came flooding back. It wasn't until I was 22 years old that I actually decided to talk to someone about it. I had just brought in my new puppy and my parents were out of town that weekend. The first night I had the pup she woke me up in the middle of the night crying and as I let her outside I too started crying. "What was I thinking?" "I can't raise an animal!" "My anxiety is giving her anxiety!" "How can I take care of this tiny life?" "If I don't train her right I will ruin her life!" Doesn't this all sound ridiculous? But it's real. It's real fear that is running through my head. I had a panic attack. I couldn't stop shaking and I couldn't breath, I just kept staring at the puppy giving me her big sad eyes and I would get worse. The next night I decided to spend more time with my husband (then fiance). As the night was coming to an end of the night, I couldn't help but start feeling that anxiety all over again. I couldn't handle being alone with this dog. I walked into K's room in panic. It was the first time I think he saw a true panic attack and realized that all of my worries and anxieties were real. I sat down next to him and started to have another panic attack. He stared at me in shock as he held my puppy, but soon he was in action. He helped me calm down and has always been the person I rely on the most when my anxiety happens even to this day. Some how he can rationalize my crazed thoughts and find solutions for me. He helped me realize I needed to talk to a doctor about this ridiculous anxiety and consider medication. I have been on medicine ever since. I am now 25 and I still have times when needing to medicated truly bothers me. And why should it? I have a legitimate problem and disease. You don't look down on people who are diagnosed with things like cancer or diabetes, so why should people with mental problems be looked down upon? I have been living with a chemical imbalance in my brain. The medicine fixes that. The only time I have been off of my medication was when I got pregnant. And I did okay, normal hormonal stuff I felt like was happening, but nothing too terrible. I had a couple of panic attacks, but I was about to be a MOM it was a big deal and I was nervous! I had a panic attack after having B, but really did just fine adjusting to life as a new mom after him. It wasn't until he stopped breast feeding that the post partum started, and I believe I have told that tale before. Even now, as I am on new medication for my new symptoms I have days where I just feel like shit (to put it bluntly). The worse days are rainy days. I wake up and I feel like the dark clouds made their way into my head, things that normally interest me don't. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and avoid people. I usually have to force myself out of the house and doing things that I know will make me feel better. Sure enough, I am usual grateful to myself for getting out and being social. And even more truthfully is how my B has saved me. You may think, "No interests? How can you even be a mother?" But B has never been a cause of my depression and he is the reason I make sure he is never ever affected by it. I want to be the best mother to that little boy that I can be and I can't do that and be depressed. So I suck it up, put on my tough girl helmet and show that gorgeous kid my biggest smile. Because that's what he deserves, the best of me. And usually I don't have to keep trying so hard after awhile because it's a natural endorphin for me to be with him. I really wasn't headed anywhere in particular before I got pregnant with B. I didn't know how being a mother would work for me, but I never expected to love it like I do. That kid is my life, my everything. He makes me happy every single day and it is so fulfilling to raise him. I don't know where I would be, or even if I would be if it wasn't for him. So yeah, I still have my bad days, but then I force myself to have some quality "me" time and I reflect on myself and think of all of these things and it usually helps perk me up some. I guess I don't have much of a point, but I do encourage everyone to realize that things like depression and post partum are very real and very scary. I am good at faking it and keeping a smile on my face, but I have had years of practice and an amazing partner who lets me take that "me" time when I need it. He is another thing keeping me going. He has always tried to understand no matter how confusing or upset I am. Life would be nothing without my boys.

2013 A Year End Review

As most people do, I like to take time on New Year's Eve and reflect upon the year that has passed and where I stand now as an adult. This year was not as eventful as last year, but a lot still happened. We hit the one year anniversary of my grandmother's passing. I cannot believe come February it will have been two years already. She was such a strong influence in my life and not a day goes by that I don't think about her and miss her. So much has happened since she has passed and I wish I could just sit down and talk to her about everything. I would love to know her thoughts and opinions. I would love to see her play with Brayden. I think that's the hardest part, knowing that my children will never know her. April came and Brayden turned a year old. Wow, I'm officially a mom of a toddler and he could not have more "boy" in him. He is now 20 months and into EVERYTHING!! He has developed a very stubborn and short tempered personality. He likes to be independent and climb and push and hit and shove. The only thing non-boy in him is that he hates messes. He is very neat and likes to keep things in their place. He is truly the greatest blessing in my life. I love to watch him grow and learn. And although motherhood has become more challenging as he's gotten older, it's still the most rewarding experience I have ever had. I love that little boy. My parents got a divorce this year. And while that is something that no child wants to go through, young or old, I feel as though I am coming to peace with things. I don't understand a lot of decisions made, but I know all of us will come out stronger in the end. And I hope that one day everyone will have the happiness they are looking for. Kurt and I have been together 7 years this November. I turned 25 and found myself in Disneyworld to celebrate. Truly one of the best vacations I ever have taken. All in all, I'm another year older, another year stronger, and another year colder. Life is not easy, so many ups and downs come throughout such a short period of time. It's crazy to see another year go by and face one more. I have so much more life to live and see and truthfully I couldn't be more excited and ready to live it.

Sims Sam

Have you ever played The Sims? You know when you have a goal for them and all the Sim is doing is working, sleeping, eating, peeing, showering, and everything else to just keep all it's energies in the green?

That is the PERFECT analogy for my life right now. I haven't stopped trying to keep my mood in the green and just chilled for a minute.

I've taken over Leelish's job at the doctor's office so I now how a semi-full-time job. Despite the fact that it is an hours drive to and from work every day, I still enjoy myself and the people I am working with.

I'm adjusting to married life with surreal ease. It doesn't feel like I'm married, it just feels like I'm living with my best friend and lover.

We are also getting a new puppy! It will be a male boxer and his name will be Harvey. I am beyond excited, he is due to be born any time this week!

If I every can stabalize my life, I think I will be able to blog more often, something I want to get back into the habbit of doing.

The Wedding Day

It's finally here. I woke up two weeks ago and thought, "Shit. I have a ton of stuff left to do and it's only two weeks away."

Let me go ahead and tell you about the week I'm having, because emotionally my body is ready to check out. This is why there are honeymoons.

Monday: I did absolutely nothing, I relaxed and got ready for the week that was to come.
Tuesday: Cleaned my entire house, got to see new husband's brother and sister-in-law when they flew in.
Wednesday: Got the call that my grandmother was rushed to the hospital with severe tremors through the lower half of her body. They found a mass on her chest and something on her brain. She was rushed to John Hopkins.
Thursday: The bachelorette party. It was an awesome day with friends and an amazing time, I really needed it. Found out later that night that my photographer was sick and could not do the wedding. Also, the new husband's tux was still not in.
Friday: Woke up and found out that my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer. Still able to make it to my wedding. I was devestated but made it through the day. Final word that my brother also could not make it to the wedding and had someone step in. Later in the evening I found out that my grandmother has two massive tumors on her brain and a bunch of little ones. She will not come to my wedding. Spent the evening breaking down and grieving harder than I have in a very long time. Ended up staying the night with the new husband because I needed him more than ever.
Saturday: This is it. Today's the day. I'm waiting for 12:30 to roll around so that I can go get my hair done. I feel awful. I want it all to be done. And I'm sick of people telling me how beautiful today is going to be. It's not. I'm hurting inside more than I have since my dad served in the war. I don't know how I can keep the smile on my face, but I'll manage. The new husband...we're getting married for a reason, he understands me and he knows what I'm going through. I don't know why I'll bother with make up because I just can't see this working out. The make up I mean. I'm crying because I know the show must still go on even though someone most dear to me is suffering very much. I have to smile for her and only for her. If she sees even for a second that I'm sad, it will break her heart.

*big sigh, lots of breathing* In 5 hours I'll be walking down the aisle. Finally.

Burning Bridges

I always promised myself that as I moved forward in life that I would not burn bridges behind me. Today I feel as though that promise will be broken in a matter of time. School and work have literally sucked me in 100% and taken away all of my free time. School I can deal with, however, work is not something I enjoy and has progressed into more of a chore than a job. Don't get me wrong, I take pride in my work and like to do it correctly. However, my work morale has sunken to an all time low that I have not felt since my first job.

Instead of going through all of the dirty details that I have already vented to my fiance and mother, I shall move on to the more important subject on the matter. I have thrown myself back into the application world.

Granted, I never exactly left, I just stopped looking hardcore. I more or less applied to whatever was thrown my way. That's not how things are going down this time. My fiance has completely re-vamped my entire resume and I have applied for two jobs, one in the government and one at a college. Both of which have not told me no yet! I did apply to a job in D.C. but they told me that the position has already been filled.

I've gotten so numb to the application process that I began to stop caring. However, this time around I feel more inclined to want these jobs then just apply because I know I should. Especially the government job. As I get closer to my wedding date I realize that I need money. And my current sales position is not bringing money in. At all. Giving me the straight conclusion that in order for me to enjoy the married life, I need a full time "real" job.

Applying for jobs has also had me thinking and talking a lot with God. I realize that He will lead me in the path that He wants me to take, however, I need to be willing to follow him. For all of those positions I applied before, I was numb, I did not care what I applied for, I just applied because I knew I needed a new job. I feel quite differently now and have had the epiphany that I should truly look for something that will make me happy and that I will want to do, and then maybe God will give me a more clear direction of which way He is leading me.

As for my current position, if I new job does not present itself soon, I have every intention of leaving my position and downgrading myself into another retail location. There is only so much one person can take.
Oh, and when I do leave this position? I will light the match that burns this bridge. Not every bridge will lead me to where I need to be.