2 months and 3 years later.

My dear baby boy has reached 2 months of age and my dear baby pooch has reached 3 years old. I feel so blessed to have my dog in my life on her birthday. After her cancer scare this year, I really don't know how much longer she will be around. I love her dearly she's the best first dog I could ever ask for. She's a huge part of me and I pray every night that she will get to grow old as my boy grows up as well. I'm so blessed with my son. God has given me a calm and loving little boy who is absolutely perfect in every way. He is so well behaved and gets me through every day better than I could hope. He has his 2 month vaccinations today and it was a hard thing to go through. His little face made me tear up and I really had to hold back the tears. I, of course, need to have 3 more in 2 months again. We go on our first family vacation Thursday. We are going up to Maine and I'm nervous as hell. We are splitting the trip to Massachusetts into 2 days which will help, but I'm putting myself through the worst guilt trip in the world because we only have a certain amount of money to spend while we are there and I feel like I'm questioning every dime I spend. I'm so sick of counting pennies and I can't complain to my husband about it because I don't want him to feel bad. Here he is letting me stay at home from work with the baby, but I'm desperate for some extra cash. I hope that we can get up to Maine and just relax and have a good time. If all else fails, Kurt and I can just stay home and eat a sandwich instead of going out to lunch. The problem is that we are going through a weird period where we have some blessings in our lives, and yet curses at the same time. We were given my grandmother's car from my grandfather, he didn't make us pay anything for it. Of course we had to shell out some cash for titles and fix ups, but nothing like if we would have had to buy it. And we sold my car to my sister-in-law. I am struggling with it because it was my first car, I bought it myself and I was really excited about it and I loved that car with all of my heart. Now she has it, and she's so excited because it's HER first car to buy. We sold that car because we owed money on it and his car as well. But we owe more on his car than we could probably get for it. My dad had paid off the rest of my car and told me to not go out and buy another one. So we didn't, but we needed some extra cash and the car was what we had. If my dad found out he would get pissed, and now he thinks we have money from selling the car to my sister-in-law, but we don't. We have enough to get us through the week, but we need to be careful. I suppose if he finds out we could tell him that we're paying for my husband's car, but then I'm lying and I hate that. I've also been struggling with my lack of brain function lately. I feel that ever since I've had my baby boy my brain has just completely checked out and left the building. I lose my train of thought halfway through a sentence I am speaking, I forget EVERYTHING. I am literally writing down everything as soon as I think it. I freaking hate it.

A New Respect

Ironically, I had my baby right before Mother's Day this year. It has put Mother's Day in perspective for me, definitely. Mother's have the hardest job of all. They have to have the most patience, kindness, love, and understanding than any other person on this earth. The love that a mother has for her child is not one that can be imagined until you hold that baby in your arms. I keep thinking to myself how incredible it is that I can love K so so much in a completely different way than I love my baby boy. But both of them hold my heart in their hands, I sometimes wonder if I even have room to share it anymore. So if there is a mother reading this blog, please know I see you and your job as a mother in a whole new light. I will never look at mother's day the same again. An Update: I am feeling loads better as far as my anxiety is concerned. I got an infection in my right breast which is making me feel a bit under the weather, but the antibiotics are helping tremendously. I even got a chance to run out to Kohls Friday night while K stayed home with the baby in between feedings. K has been the best husband a woman could ever want and need during this time. He has never once complained (to my face) about the amount I ask him to do daily. And if I need to shower or take a bath, he takes the baby and let's me do what I need to do. I love him so much and I try to tell him every day how grateful I am for him. I literally do not know how I am going to make it through this week as he goes back to work. I think it will be time to be calling my friends for back up =) I'm nervous about being home alone, but also prepared. Although he has not really put himself on a schedule, we do have a bit of a routine going now and I'm excited to have the house to myself and veg out again. Just spending time with my computer and tv, and now my son. I have to enjoy it while I can because pretty soon we will be watching his tv and playing his games. I'm fighting off being paranoid about taking him out into public. My mom keeps pushing me to take him out, but I have so many reserves. I am terrified of people touching him, and him getting sick. Even the germs I will get on my hands in a store and then having to touch him. I know I can bring wipes and hand sanitizer, but I'm still scared. I think to myself, I can do this I can take him out, and then when we're in the car I panic. He's still really young, but how long do I keep him isolated in my house? And in the end am I doing more harm than good by hiding him away from the world until I think he's ready? Will that just weaken his system instead of make it stronger? I go to the doctor on Monday for his 2 week check up and that's when I will ask what they suggest. I feel hearing it from them will *hopefully* give me a little more confidence. I have zero problem telling people not to touch my child while I'm in a store and I know it's a different world and people don't really do that anymore anyway, but I'm still scared of the germs that the world holds.

Not This Way

Thursday I took Allie to the vet to have a lump on her leg looked at. As it turns out, this lump is cancerous. It's an aggressive type of cancer that affects her body's natural abilities to fight off allergies. Hence, she has a double ear infection and food allergy. She will need to have two Benedryl twice a day for the rest of her life.

Regardless, she is going in for surgery to have the lump removed on Wednesday. The vet told us that we can hope and pray that this removes the cancer and we never see it again. However, there is a higher chance that it will return in which case there is nothing we can do for her. My anxiety over this surgery is getting the best of me. I am having a really hard time with this because she's not even 3 yet and she is my life; my first child. I love that stupid dog more than I love myself and the thought of losing her is literally tearing me up inside. I'm trying to keep my emotions under control because I am 9 months pregnant and I don't want stress to induce labor. I'm just so scared that something is going to go wrong and I never see her again. The thought of handing her over to these people and entrusting her life in them is a huge deal and she's going to be so scared and not know what's going on. It literally makes me cry just thinking about it. She'll be so miserable after the surgery and I wish I could somehow let her know we had to do this for her to take away this cancer.

The only good news through all of this is that Allie doesn't know she has cancer. She's happy and still full of energy and life.

I'm just so sick of cancer and it popping up in my life.

Irritated, Uncomfortable, and Scared as Hell

Something I have picked up on while being pregnant is the fact that other mothers find it necessary to tell you what you're feeling, thinking, and what you will go through. Well, fact is they don't know shit. Everyone is different in their pregnancy, no two pregnant woman go through the same type of pregnancy/symptoms. So, in fact, these other mothers can shove it up their butt. It really irritates me. Don't ask me how I'm feeling or another specific question and then laugh at me as if I am some naive idiot who has no idea what's coming to her. I do have an idea and I know my body better than anyone else. Yes, I haven't given birth yet and I don't know what will happen when I do, but I have an idea of how my brain and body will react to things. Don't ask me about my birth plan and then scoff and say, "well nothing will go the way you plan." Bitch, I know that! I literally do not even answer people's questions anymore because I'm sick of being laughed at. I already feel awful enough. I just hope I remember this for my friends in the future so that I don't do the same thing to them. It's one thing to share your birth story, it's another to talk down to a new mom who is nervous enough.

Speaking of nerves, I'm really starting to freak out. I realize that millions of women give birth MULTIPLE times in their life so obviously things are not that bad. However, a lot goes into giving birth that no one likes to share with you. For instance, you bleed for quite some time after giving birth. You know how I found out? Accidentally on the internet! No one told me! That is something I WAS naive about. Some woman bleed for up to 6 weeks. It's bad enough that you go through this horribly painful process and wreck your vagina for life, but then to basically get a period that lasts as long as all of the periods you didn't have while pregnant...well, I'd rather get my freaking period every month for 9 months. I'm scared about the healing process and the shape my lady parts will be in when it's all said and done. I'm already self conscious, and now it's I'm scared to ever have sex with my husband again afterward. I know this is seemingly overreactions to things but these are my thoughts and anxieties.

I'm so excited to meet my baby boy, but I don't want to share him with anyone else. Everyone around me is so excited, I have a huge family and I feel like they are smothering me with excitement and some of my friends are as well. They think they're going to all just show up right after he's born and hold him and stuff and I don't want that to happen. I think I'm just going to piss everyone off and make a rule that if they come visit they may not touch or hold him. I want to see how I feel at the time, but I know I wont want them to. First of all, he's a newborn with no shots and people carry germs whether they are clean or not. He doesn't need to be passed around to 12 different people within the first 3 days of his life. It just isn't going to happen. No, I think I will have people visit (if I feel up to it) and look with their eyes, not with their hands. He may be limited to a one time hold by the grandparents and that is it. This may sound bitchy, but it's my kid and I get to make the rules.

I just hate the idea of other people holding him, it's selfish I know, but this is why I am usually medicated for my anxiety disorder. It stems off to me needing to be in control of everything and when I am holding him, I am in control. I'm sure I will get over it over some time, but frankly I will probably upset a lot of friends and family and not let people hold him until I'm ready. I know everyone in my life will understand this and they don't really have an option anyway, but I create unrealistic scenarios of problems in my stupid brain. I am worried about post partum, and yet, not worried at all. I know my signs and my limits; as does my husband. I've suffered a good portion of my life with an anxiety disorder that causes depression. I really want to breast feed, so I really want to get through at least the first 3 months of his life without my medication. If I find that I am still a psycho control freak after 3 months that cannot even handle people near my child then I am going to get back on the medication. I want him to be properly socialized and I feel like 3 months old is a good time to at least get more comfortable with my family around him. And then, *hopefully* my medication will be in proper use by the time he is 6 months and I'll feel more comfortable letting my friends hold him...maybe. I'm pretty much the worst person in the world to have the first grandchild and baby among my family and friends. They do not realize how big of a bitch I will be. This wont be fun for them because I'm not going to let them come over whenever they want for a "baby fix". I know my unmedicated mind, and I know it wont happen. But you know what I say to that? Go have your own baby.

I had my 37 week doctor appointment on Friday. I found out that I am a TIGHT 1 cm dialated and 60% e-faced (thinned out) and he is head down. So, my body and baby are headed in the right direction whether I am mentally prepared or not, which is a good thing. I know I'll be a good mom, and I know I can get through the birth. It's dealing with everyone else that has me anxious =/

Pregnancy Dreams

I wanted to write down some dreams I have been having because they're crazy and it just so happens I had weird dreams prior to pregnancy so now my dreams are just wrecked. Half the time I cannot even put them to words.

1. I was at the in-laws house with my mom for some weird reason. My mother in law and sister in law were ordering pizza from Dominoes and for some reason the guy took to long to deliver it. So my mother in law called Dominoes and told them where to shove their pizza and made this weird assortment of foods. We all sit down and my sister in law turns into my cousin and everyone at the table takes all of the meat and I'm left with literally mashed potatoes. I got so pissed off because I was like wow, way to be fat and not even give the pregnant woman protein. So my mom was in the other room on the computer and I walk in and tell her that I'm mad and leaving. Then the dream morphs into me walking down the street to my Leelish's house. Leelish is the grandmother that just passed away. Well, I walk in and my Aunt Mabel (also passed) is sitting in the living room with her granddaughter sitting on the couch with her. Her granddaughter's son is playing in the living room and they're all kind of talking with my family. And I'm sitting there asking everyone who this woman is because it cannot possibly be Aunt Mabel because she's supposed to be dead! And no one would listen. Then these "neighbors" who I have no idea who they are come into the house to visit. I go into the kitchen and my other grandfather is standing there holding sloppy joes for me. And although I was hungry and mad, I hate sloppy joes. This is all I remember of that dream.

2. Ashley and I are visiting an Aquarium together. Weird fact is the aquarium exhibits keep breaking and we keep helping them save the fish and build these new exhibits out of cardboard and plastic to hold the fish. Then this lady comes up talking about her daughter swimming and Ashley starts going off because she's the world's best swimmer and I'm like, Ashley shut up no you are not. You never swam professionally. Then there is this contest that we enter and lose because we had apparently been drinking a beer throughout the competition so we have to go wait in this class room where Jessica, Angela, and Kirsten are waiting. For some reason the five of us decide to go watch some other form of competition, but me and Kirsten need to go to the bathroom. While we're in there this guy comes in because the men's room is broken and he starts trying to pick Kirsten up. And of course, she is denying him but then he kisses her! And I'm sitting in my stall like WHAT IS HAPPENING? So, we head back and Kirsten brings this hideous fat guy who has an Irish accent (because apparently we're abroad) and who cusses all the time. And everyone is looking at her like "What is wrong with you?" But she is convinced that they're meant to be. Then it dawns on me that she only thinks that because they shared a kiss. So I turn to Jessica who is sitting next to me and tell her that if we kiss it will show Kirsten that kissing isn't that big of a deal and she wont think that her and this guy are meant to be because clearly they are not. So Jessica, understanding my logic, agrees and we kiss each other in front of Kirsten to prove that it's not a big deal. This is logical in Kirsten's mind and she ditches the guy. Then Jessica decides to show us this Javolans (spelling?)that she got and she's really mad because Tommy broke one. She picks it up and throws it magically into this mountain really far away, but it doesn't stick because of Tommy breaking it. So we set off on this quest to replace said Javolan and on the way I explain to Ashley and Angela the logic behind me and Jessica's kiss. We come upon a pier and this shallow river that we need to cross, but it's being guarded by a black dog who wont let us near the edge. It took some coaxing, but we got the dog to like us and began to walk across when I woke up.

Adult Kid Problems

I can now see my baby move around. My stomach looks so weird. It's amazing how much personality shows through his kicks and movements. He loves when K rubs my belly, and gets really fussy when K stops rubbing it.

My anxiety has been so off and on, I am not controlling it as much as I was hoping to. K has been such a rock for me, he's been so patient and loving and helpful. I'm scared when I have this baby that my anxiety is going to get worse. I have my good days and my bad. I just wish I could ignore the guilt trips I put myself through.

Dreaming

Last night Leelish entered my dream. I was dreaming about her funeral and she just sort of entered it. She was surrounded by this gold light and she looked just like herself. She was telling me that everything was okay, and she was so peaceful. The entire time she was talking to me I wanted to get my uncle Rob because I felt like he needed to see her and know she was okay. Then she hugged me and it was the most perfect hug; then she floated off into this golden light.

Then my subconscious took over. It kept trying to re-create the scenario and changed it into me trying to chase her down and find her again. It threw me into a panic attack in real life where I had to force myself awake from the dream and try to calm down. I gave my dog and husband a heart attack in the process. Then I cried hysterically for about 10 minutes.

I am going to miss her so much.

Frankly my dear...

My grandmother, my Leelish passed away February 11, 2012.

I've been avoiding posting about this entire ordeal because it has been a roller coaster ride from hell. Everyday was a new day of fright or hope and it got to the point where we all ran out of both and became numb. She had to be put on a ventilator in order to breath, they ran some tests and could not pin point the infection because the cancer cells were basically trolling it. None of the entirety of anti-biotics they put her on were healing her body from the infection. Her body just was not strong enough, and due to her living will we had to take her off of the ventilator the Thursday before she passed.

I'd like to think that God took that time that she was sedated and could no longer communicate with us to talk to her and bring her to peace to join him in Heaven. I know she's at peace now. If she wasn't I wouldn't be in the state of mind I am in. I had some time to mourn Leelish while we went through this, part of me knew in my heart that this was goodbye. I, however, refused to say goodbye to her, I know I will see her again one day and the thought of goodbye made it seem all too permanent.

I am of course heart broken, and since she has passed I have kind of been numb, I haven't really felt much of anything. I don't know if I've just cried enough and God is saying it's okay, or if my body is in shock. This entire situation I feel like God has held a healing hand over my body and kept me calm for the baby. I thought for sure losing her would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to face, but it wasn't.

I think I will have moments when it will hit me that she's not here anymore. It's weird to think of it and it will probably get worse when B arrives because all I wanted was for her to meet him. And I know she will get to see him from Heaven, but it still sucks down here in the human aspect of things.

Our new reality is going to be a hard one to get used to, it's like the ultimate change that none of us wanted. And I know she's with me, I feel her here watching over me, but I still miss her. I will always miss her until the day we will be face to face again. I hope she is the first person I see when I die. To see her smiling face again, greeting me at those gates, it puts a smile on my face now.

I'm not a rock, I'm just a really good actress.

As a recap, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer two days before my wedding and as a result of how bad the tumors in her brain were, they had to do immediate radiation and she couldn't attend my wedding. I was beyond devastated, but during that time the only person I could show any emotion to was my soon to be husband. We spent the night before our wedding with him holding me while I wept for hours. He prayed with me and held me and I've never cried harder than that in my entire life. It was literally the night before our wedding and that was how it was spent. My family took it very hard, they tried to keep a strong and happy face for the wedding, but they needed the happiness that came from the wedding more than anyone else. I had to stay strong for them, I couldn't show them how upset I was. I developed a poker face and pushed through the entire event without my hero, my rock; my grandmother. And all I could do was look at my family's depressed faces, watch my mother hide her tears, and smile for them. The minute I broke down, it would have all come crashing down around me.

All I have done since then is be a rock for my family. My mom calls me almost daily and she is not taking any of the changes that have overtook my grandmother well at all. I don't blame her, she was closer to her mother than I am close to her. Leelish was our rock, she'd drop anything and everything to do whatever you needed and asked for. She is my hero. Now she's a different person. She can't seem to think much past herself, she's stubborn, and quite frankly a bitch. Personally, I love her for it. She deserves to have the rest of her life be about her. She's fought this cancer hand and foot and God has extended her life for us and every day we have with her is a blessing from Him. I will never take it for granted. I guess I expected the new her more than anyone else. I also am accepting it the best. She's old now, she's fragile and I wish it didn't have to happen overnight but it did and I'm dealing. Her children are not.

She was diagnosed with pneumonia this week and is at the hospital now because she is having trouble breathing. The doctor is staying positive, giving her medications and what not. My grandmother just...has become a very stubborn person. When she talks to the doctor she only tells the kids what she wants us to know. And you cannot suggest a damn thing to her. She is literally like a mule that will not budge. My mom is trying so hard to not let it get to her, but it does and she uses me as her sound board. I'm just so tired of hearing about it. It literally ruins my day because my mom just wants to vent, she doesn't want to hear my suggestions. Her mother is literally a new person and she's having a hard time adjusting, I don't blame her for that. It's just that, sometimes the sound board gets worn thin. It's my grandmother too, and once again I have to keep this poker face for my family and stay strong. I try to hear my mom out but all I can think about it what if she dies tonight? What if she doesn't meet my son? Why didn't I stop by this weekend? I fear that I'm taking advantage of the time we have with her because she's been doing so well. I'm so scared of doing that because I don't want God to take her yet. I want her to know my son, I want her to meet him and hold him in her arms.

Once again, I miss my fucking Zoloft.

Learning

It's amazing how, even when you're together for 5 years you can continue learning how to work in your relationship. I don't expect to have it down right now, but we're just starting off as a married couple and now as parents. Even with the baby still settled in my womb, it's a learning experience on how to deal with one another. Last night was the first fight we've had in a long time where we sat down with each other after and taught each other new things about ourselves. He's learning to live with my hormonal craziness and I am learning to keep my mouth shut. I just feel like we've grown even closer after last night and it's a good feeling.

I am struggling a lot with the pain I see in his eyes. He wants to bad to provide for myself and our child without me having to lift a finger for work. He cannot do that because we're just not in that place in our lives and I pushed so hard for this baby and now he's struggling. I've never seen him truly struggle like this and it absolutely tears me to shreds inside. He, of course, does not blame me and is excited for the baby and wont even listen to me say sorry for this, but I still struggle. I think it's something I will have to learn to live with and work through for the rest of my life.

I feel lost without my medication. My hormones are completely out of control and I really struggle to remain a stable human being. I absolutely refuse to be on these medications while pregnant, I know I am stronger than my emotions and if it takes me being on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy so I don't kill anyone, then I will do it. Afterwards, however, I am scared. I know I can fall back on my medication when the baby is born, but I really want to be able to breast feed and give the best to my child which is my own milk. I guess we will see what happens.

Changes in Christmas

Tonight my husband and I decorated our Christmas tree. We put some music on and spent the time together hanging ornaments and it was...just really great. I was pulling out all of my ornaments from home and they smelled like home and...that was hard. I literally have no memories outside of my parents house. When I first moved into this house, it was hard adjusting. Now that Christmas is here I have to say I feel like I've first moved in all over again.

This is the first year I will wake up in a different house, not opening presents with my siblings, and I'm not even going to be going to my parents house on Christmas Day at all and suddenly I'm rethinking all of my Christmas plans. My brother is actually going to be home this Christmas which will probably not be the case next year. Just thinking about all of our silly Christmas morning traditions and how I wont be a part of that...it's really REALLY hard.

My husband is being so great about all of this and so patient and understanding.

I don't even know what to do about Christmas anymore. Next year I'll be a mom and that changes everything.

Married with blueberries.

I am officially 7 weeks pregnant. I have only decided to tell close friends and immediate family. I realize this is a public blog, but oh well. I am not making it an "announcement" quite yet until I finish the first trimester.

It's been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I had to stop taking my zoloft which makes everything worse.

I started off with some of the worst cramps I have ever felt in my life and now I'm just sick all the time. Not throwing up, not super nauseous, just sick. My mom said she felt this way her entire pregnancy. Today was a bad day. I experience my first panic attack while pregnant and it was awful. I go to the doctor in a week and I am going to ask her if there is anything I can take when I feel like that again. I couldn't handle anything at all, it was so bad. I scared myself, my husband, and my dog.

I am, despite everything, beyond excited. And I'm letting myself get a little bit more excited every week that passes. Right now I have a baby in me the size of a blueberry. I am so excited.

Second to Last Day

Tomorrow we head back to Adare Manor for our last night in Ireland. It is so bittersweet.

Today was beautiful outside, but we only were able to enjoy it for a short time. I woke up at 4 am with an incredible stomach bug and ended up sleeping until 2, thanks to K. I felt horrible emotionally and physically. Here it was gorgeous outside and I couldn't enjoy it because my body wouldn't let me. I eventually stomached some lunch, felt a lot better and walked a garden with K.

We were planning a slow, relaxing dinner, but the restaurant was busy so we cut dinner short. There is a special on BBC1 on Egypt that K is very interested in so we're going to order desert in room service and watch this.

I'm starting to get quite sad about leaving.

Ireland; Coming to a Close

Unfortunately, I only have 2 more full days left here in Ireland and not one of them is planned. We decided before we got here that we were not going to strictly plan our days because A. it is our honeymoon and it's meant to unwind from all of the stress that came before the wedding B. planning vacations really adds stress because you feel disappointed when you miss something. We are at Dromoland Castle tomorrow and back to Adare Manor for the final day.

I am not the biggest fan of Dromoland, it is a little too big for me, the other castles were much smaller. We went horseback riding today and we are probably going to look into playing with a falcon tomorrow because that would be awesome.

The honeymoon ending is bittersweet. I am sad to leave, but I miss my family and especially my dog. I miss the hell out of my dog. It's dumb how much I miss her and wish she was with us, that's what would truly make it perfect. Hell, she even stayed with us the night of the wedding.

Anyway, I want to try to squeeze in some more shopping tomorrow and possibly a walk around the castle grounds if the weather permits. I think it is supposed to get slowly nicer outside the closer it comes to us leaving.

We are definitely coming back, there is no doubt about it. This place is amazing and we love it here, certainly if money allows it will be our own personal getaway for the rest of our lives. Possibly even retirement? Who knows? =)

Married and in Ireland.

Some how, some way, I've made it here. A wife, a spouse, and forever a best friend to my new husband. The wedding went beautifully. My good friend stood in as my photographer since mine was sick. She did brilliant. Everything was perfect and my reception was more fun than anyone ever expected. It was exactly what we all needed. A GREAT time.

Now I am in Ireland, going from castle to castle visiting the place I've always wanted to visit. I never thought I'd get here. It still doesn't seem real and I know I'll blink and be on the plane home.

The first day we stayed in Adare Manor, and now we are in Ashford Castle. It is really a castle, it literally takes your breath away when you look at it. Tomorrow we head to Ballynahinch Castle. I love it here and we've already decided that we are coming back as much as possible and money allows us. It's just...wonderful and so relaxing. A bit expensive, but God has blessed us to bring us here today.

In other news Leelish is home for now. She continues to have radiation on her brain and Tuesday she will talk with the doctors to see what the next steps are. I keep praying hard, selfishly I want her here on earth longer, but I don't want her to suffer. I just want to give her a great-grandchild and I want her to be able to enjoy him/her. I don't know God's plans but I do know that God has blessed me with strength to not be sad about her on the trip. I don't think anyone could be sad here.

I just cannot believe I'm married.

The Wedding Day

It's finally here. I woke up two weeks ago and thought, "Shit. I have a ton of stuff left to do and it's only two weeks away."

Let me go ahead and tell you about the week I'm having, because emotionally my body is ready to check out. This is why there are honeymoons.

Monday: I did absolutely nothing, I relaxed and got ready for the week that was to come.
Tuesday: Cleaned my entire house, got to see new husband's brother and sister-in-law when they flew in.
Wednesday: Got the call that my grandmother was rushed to the hospital with severe tremors through the lower half of her body. They found a mass on her chest and something on her brain. She was rushed to John Hopkins.
Thursday: The bachelorette party. It was an awesome day with friends and an amazing time, I really needed it. Found out later that night that my photographer was sick and could not do the wedding. Also, the new husband's tux was still not in.
Friday: Woke up and found out that my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer. Still able to make it to my wedding. I was devestated but made it through the day. Final word that my brother also could not make it to the wedding and had someone step in. Later in the evening I found out that my grandmother has two massive tumors on her brain and a bunch of little ones. She will not come to my wedding. Spent the evening breaking down and grieving harder than I have in a very long time. Ended up staying the night with the new husband because I needed him more than ever.
Saturday: This is it. Today's the day. I'm waiting for 12:30 to roll around so that I can go get my hair done. I feel awful. I want it all to be done. And I'm sick of people telling me how beautiful today is going to be. It's not. I'm hurting inside more than I have since my dad served in the war. I don't know how I can keep the smile on my face, but I'll manage. The new husband...we're getting married for a reason, he understands me and he knows what I'm going through. I don't know why I'll bother with make up because I just can't see this working out. The make up I mean. I'm crying because I know the show must still go on even though someone most dear to me is suffering very much. I have to smile for her and only for her. If she sees even for a second that I'm sad, it will break her heart.

*big sigh, lots of breathing* In 5 hours I'll be walking down the aisle. Finally.