Self-Reflection

Tonight the conversation with my husband took a turn, as it has done almost every night for the last month, for the dark.

I have started coming off of my medicine. A personal decision I have made to try to find the right way to keep my brain in a good place. So far, I have done wonderfully. I have had little side effects besides some physical things that I have been able to handle. The anxiety has been manageable. Everything that I've experienced I expected so it's been easier to handle.

Of course, it's still difficult to feel this impending doom of anxiety every night after the sun sets. However, tonight my husband made an observation that he's never made before, and it made me realize how far I've come.

This summer marks 3 years of recovering from a mental breakdown. Some people see mental breakdowns as different things. For me, the mental breakdown came in the form of severe anxiety every single day to the point that I was taking my son to my mother's house because I felt as though I could not properly take care of him.

A lot of outside factors took place in my life that brought me to that point but one thing came out of it; I promised myself I would never let my anxiety rule my life like that again.

My husband, who has been with me for 10 years now, pointed out that since that moment I have changed for the better. He explained it like this: I gave my mental illness a face, I made it a real and tangible thing. He said up until that point I had been trying to close everything off, but in reality I was walling myself into a small space. Once I released that hold anxiety had on me, and gave it this "face" I broke those walls down and started building out. He said to me, that giving anxiety this reality, this face, it could have gone one of two ways. It could have become overwhelming and scary, but it could have made it something I could square off and fight. I went the latter.

All of this, I have done subconsciously. Sure, in my mind I decided all of these things. However, my husband pointed out that since that moment I started speaking out about my anxiety. I put myself on the line and just come out with it. "I have anxiety disorder" It's not something that defines me anymore and I'm not afraid to speak out about it. He told me it's changed me for the better, it's helped me overcome this and it's helped him understand me better, help me more.

I chose to take this turn on my mental illness because 1. I never wanted to be in that place ever again. and 2. I wanted to help anyone else with mental illness in any way I could. Because I've been there, I never tried to commit suicide, I never planned to commit suicide; but I thought about it. I thought about it a lot, actually. For the first time in my life, I thought those horrible things of "the world is better off without me", "my husband and son will find someone better to love them",  "my family will move on".

I am fortunate enough to have an enormous support system. I was surrounded by friends and family who loved me. I depended fully on my mother for the first time in 25 years. She had to take care of my son, me, and she even took me to the doctor to tell the doctor what was going on because I couldn't even get over my anxiety enough to explain that I was falling apart inside.

I vowed to myself during that time to change. To get over this awful thing happening inside of me.

I am religious. I'd be lying to you if my religion didn't have a significant part to play in my healing process. I prayed a lot that summer. I fell to my knees, sobbing to my God to save me. To fix me. To give me meaning once again.

He listened.

I woke up the next day and had an epiphany. It was like flood gates opened and suddenly I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I knew what career I wanted and upon discussing it with my husband I was encouraged by hearing "that's a great choice for you--you'd be really good at that". I began to set goals for myself and slowly work towards them. I discovered my dream school and realized I could not afford to go, but it didn't make me feel anxious. At this point, I was fully reliant on God. A week later a job fell into my lap. I wasn't looking, I hadn't even shared with a lot of people that my school situation had become what it was.

Suddenly I found myself working full time, being a mother, and soon following was college full time.

I graduated this spring. I graduated Valedictorian of my class. When I was in high school I barely passed at all.

I did all of these things because I chose to square off to my anxiety.

I did all of these things because the Lord has led me down this path every step of the way. He has been so open with me, clearly leading me down roads when I struggle. Even now, I have had struggling moments and after meditation and prayer His answer becomes very clear to me.

Why write about it? Not to try to tell you to believe in God, but to believe in yourself. God helped me, he gave me the strength to do as much as I have as fast as I have. He also gives me free will. Free will to face my anxiety every day and tell it "not today".

I won't sit here and try to say it was easy. It wasn't easy at all. I have struggled, a lot. I have cried more in the past 3 years than I have my entire life. But I feel better afterwards. I let myself have my moment, I listen to my sad music, I sob, I panic, but I don't let it be the route of my thoughts anymore.

I am a new person, a stronger person.

I'm still scared out of my mind. I still question every decision I make. I often tell myself that I can't do this, this career path was just not for me.

But I'm getting a little closer every day and I've come to far at this point to let it win now.

I'm not like the rest.

I realized early on in my life that I'm different from everyone else. I think differently than most people do, and a lot of my thoughts stay negative. As I've grown older I've grown cynical and tired, I have become less tolerant of people.

This past week has been a test in my faith, my patience, and my anger management. It has been a test in my relationships with people I think dearly of, it has been a test of my relationship with my own country.

A lot of people are awful in this world. Not just America, but this world. Evil lurks in so many crevices and hides there, it festers on our negative thoughts and it jumps at the chance to bring those thoughts to life.

I've brought this up a lot, but when we first moved here a lot of bad things happened involving military members and Japanese civilians and it put a damper on the way Americans were perceived in Japan. It bothered me a lot because I felt injustice to being grouped up with these people who acted like ignorant turds. My husband told me, "We just have to show them that we're not like that."

Those words echo in my mind often, and especially right now. I am a white Christian woman and I feel as though I don't have a lot of say in how other people should feel right now.

I am someone who bleeds positivity. I am the weird flower-child of my family and I know it bothers them that I'm like this. With my mental illness, I truly cannot live in a world of hate and anger, if I did I would be letting my brain win. And by letting my brain win, it means letting it eat me alive until I can't take it anymore. So I truly try hard to be a positive person and share light and love with the people I know and the people I love.

I want to be a good influence to everyone. I want them to know that not only am I someone who is nonjudgemental and loving; I am a representation of Christ's love for me. I am like this because of the Lord. I take no credit for being this way without Him.

However, this isn't about religion. It's not about what you are, who you are, who you love, etc. This is about respect. Respecting another person shouldn't be so difficult. It has nothing to do with a race, religion or sexual preference. Respecting another person is basic human decency.

I have so much anger in the state of our country right now. I hurt because people are still so backwards and spreading so much hate towards each other. Anyone close to me knows I can be angry and hateful, but I just cannot imagine acting out that way towards someone else. I cannot imagine being so awful to another person because they think or look differently then me.

I don't have a point to this, I guess I just needed to remind myself to prove I am not like that. It just got a lot harder to prove that I am not a representation of some of the people in my country, but I will continue to do so. I will continue to fight for what I believe is right, and I will continue to stand up for those who are put down for fighting for those beliefs.

A country divided is not going to grow, it's not going to get better, it's not going to overcome this. Be angry, be upset, get it out. Because that's a healthy way of dealing with your emotion. But then move forward, figure out proper ways to fight our government. Posting on social media your ignorant ideas and thoughts doesn't do anything but anger others. Write to your congressman, vote in the upcoming elections, and properly educate yourself on real facts. Don't be a sheep, by fighting with one another you're only doing what the media and government has set up for you to do. Break the pattern, fight back, and spread love.

Prove to them you're not like the others.

"Only in the darkness can you see the stars." -Martin Luther King Jr.

Fight Club

Sometimes I feel like my life would be easier if I could just meet Satan in the pit and punch the bastard in the face.

I'm such a confrontational person, and this isn't something I'm proud of. Satan knows how to get to us best, and in my case it's through my mental illness. A bad day for a normal brain can usually be cleared up with some chocolate, a good sleep, a long bath, etc. For me it's a spiral into depression that I have to literally pull myself out of and it takes it's toll, physically and emotionally.

It's so much easier to give in, to sleep all day, to cry about hating everything, to cry about hating myself, to feel bad about myself.

But I'm not that person anymore. I've been doing so well, and I'm better at pulling myself out of these fogs, but it doesn't keep that SOB from trying anyway. When I pulled myself out of that terrible place 2 years ago, I used to visually imagining myself hitting Satan in the face with every thing I did for myself.

Wake up, hit him.
Take a shower, hit him.
Make myself eat something, hit him.
Get in the car and drive to the sanctuary that was my mother's house, watch him fall.

Now that my shields are stronger, my heart is stronger, my mind is stronger, it's a lot harder for him to get in. I'm short tempered, and I'm stubborn. I'm not the kind of person people want to make angry. So it drives me nuts, when I feel these fogs coming in, and as much as I try to stop it my brain is sick, and it can only do so much. And I know it's him. I know it's evil. And the confrontational side of me is screaming at him to come see me in person and fight me like evil should instead of lurking in the shadows of my mind.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. But I have long since decided my mental illness no longer defines who I am or what I do. I am a firm believer that you can take charge of your life and pull yourself up and do something. I'm living proof of that. It doesn't come easily, and I thank the Lord for my provisions. He gave me the tools, but I did the effort. I decided to stop crying every day. I decided to stop living in a constant state of anxiety. I went out and got the help I needed spiritually and mentally.

I hate that I have to rely on medication, but that's something I know I can come to terms with too.

I'm not the weak person I was 2 years ago. And even though the fog comes in sometimes, it always clears.

If nothing else, I hope that my life will help others see that they too can overcome anything. I truly believe this. I wouldn't be where I am in life if I didn't.

Go after your dreams, whether it's overcoming a mental illness or doing something in life, do it. Evil can't stop you.

Patience is the hardest test the Lord has ever given me.

As B starts school, and I am left to my own devices for hours at a time, I have found myself lost. Well, I have found myself lost since the realization of how little time I have until I graduate is. It's funny, because moving out here I never felt more sure of anything before in my life. I was confident that the Lord was leading me to this exact spot in life, and I still feel that way.

So, when I moved out here, and the confusion set in of "what next?" I found myself lost again. I have growing anxieties over a lot of things in my life. The first was my career path. Am I doing this for real? Is this a stupid dream? Am I just being silly? And despite the encouragement from my husband and best friends, I feel as though I was still floundering.

I turned to the Lord, because when I get to these mental places in my life I spiral. It starts small, simple stressors become something far worse. And when it's all over, I'm left in the fetal position crying hysterically and wondering why I even am here in the first place. Nothing is a coincidence, and I firmly believe that. The Lord gave me K. I don't know why, and I don't feel like I deserve him at all, but here he is. By my side. Always believing in me.

I picked up a devotional recently and began daily devotions. A lot of those devotions have spoken to me, and a lot of it is repeated answers.

Patience. Wait on the Lord, listen to Him, meditate on His Word.

It's hard, because the Lord didn't give me a lot of patience to begin with. So this is a new trait I have to dig out of myself. I watch a lot of Criminal Minds, and because they talk about psychological functions behind the behavior patters of the criminals, I am fascinated by it. I was watching one episode and one of the agents was afraid to fly. The other agent made the remark about how the fear of flying comes from a need to be in control. And I was like "Well, duh." But it's me. It's who I am. I have the need to be in control, because without control my anxiety would send my back to that fetal position I mentioned earlier.

Through this devotional I have heard the Lord's calling. The career path I am on, the direction I am headed is the direction He wants me to take. And I try to remind myself (as does He) of that all the time. My own fears in myself are from myself. I am standing in my own way.

And on another coin is my family. I struggle so much with the idea of having another baby. My heart has began to feel so torn by this idea that I get sick over it. Do I want a baby because of guilt? I cannot imagine my life without my sister and brother in it. In fact, if you were to ask me to pick out two people I trust the most on this Earth, it would be them. They are my heart and soul. I have lived periods of my life for them and them alone. So I feel this immense guilt that I am not giving someone like that to B. I hate myself for it. I am near a navy base and I'm surrounded by people growing their families every day. And I know, in my heart of hearts, I'd love and adore another child. It would bring great joy into our lives. And I used to think that because of my career choices I shouldn't have one, but now I think a little less of that thought. And again I am left lost and confused. Wondering what direction should I take. You hear it from both sides "have one" "dont have one" everyone needs to have an opinion about your own life. At the end of the day I just cry out, "Lord just tell me what to do! I don't know anymore!"

Isaiah 40 says, "Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

As I grow closer in my walk with Christ, I know he will lead me to all of my answers. I may not be a patient person, but I am a faithful one. I know He has a plan for me and my family, and the people I love. I know He has put us in certain places in our lives for a reason. And even though my anxious mind makes my life a bit harder than I'd like, my heart rests fully on Him.

Despite these anxieties, I feel good. I feel empowered, and I know this path is where I belong. And I am grateful I know Christ's love and have his hand to lead me.

Being Four

Being four means learning boundaries. It means talking back to mom and dad. It means thinking you know everything. It means learning confidence, even if it gets you in trouble most of the time.

I sometimes tease my husband that B is filled with all of our worst qualities:

• Stubborn as a mule (his side)
• Impatient and short-tempered (me)
• Doesn't listen well (him)
• Night owl and grumpy in the morning (me)
• Hates school (me again)

Be he's also:

• Empathetic and kind (dad)
• Loves to cuddle (dad)
• Creative (mom and dad)
• Loves music (mom and dad)
• laughs and enjoys life
• shops well
• travels wonderfully

I believe a lot of his attributes towards the end can be credited towards me and K having a more relaxed parenting style since he was an infant. We try really hard to let him experience life and learn and grow as he does without being too overbearing. 

I'm blessed to have this little boy. As much as he wears me out and has endless energy, he really is such a good boy. As he now embarks on the new adventures of school, I can't help wondering what the future holds for us. I'm not sure what road I take from here. For four years he's been my buddy, my sidekick. I'm kind of afraid to be on my own again. I know that, no matter what, God will help reveal that path. As He as lead me every step of the way thus far. 

Patience is a virtue, but it's hard to remember this sometimes. I'm going to be sad as nugget begins full-time school. It's hard to watch them grow up and away from you, but it's also one of the most rewarding experiences I've ever known.

Thanksgiving

As much as life hands us stresses and ordeals to go through, this year in particular, I am trying to remain humble. I am blessed, I have a husband who loves and supports me. I have a husband who has encouraged me to go back to school, who has sat down with me and encouraged my career development, and truly pushes me to better myself.

I have a tiny rock in the form of a three year old nightmare. He refuses to use the potty no matter what we do and his energy levels could make the energizer bunny jealous, but he is my life support. He grounds me. I honestly do not know where I would be without him. God has a purpose for everything, B has held a lot of purposes in my life. I often feel guilty because I'm not sure I want to have another child. If we do have another one, I am not sure when it will happen. I feel like he deserves siblings because I cannot imagine my life without my siblings in it. But again, I know God has a purpose and will lead me down the right path. Until then I truly try to remember every moment with him now. He's not a baby anymore, not at all. And that makes me really sad. And sometimes I would like to kill him. But I love him dearly.

Me: Santa won't bring you presents if you are bad.
B: Yes he will, Santa is my CHRISTMAS FATHER. HE IS MY PRESENT GUY!

I have family who love me. I won't lie, in the past three years the burden of caring for our families has left me and K feeling stressed and overwhelmed. But at the end of the day they love us and we love them. I am grateful to have family that we are close to and cherish as much as we do.

K has a job that can support us, I have a job that can give us extra things in life and pay for my schooling.

I am in school and doing really well. This is the best I've ever done in school. Has it been easy? Oh no. I have cried at least once a month since I've started. K has held me threw my tantrums and pushed me to succeed (only fair I had to do the same to him when he was in school).

I have some of the best friends I could ever ask for. We've all grown so much in different ways, but I know who is my friend and there when I call at any time.

I have lived a full life and never truly understood what it means to suffer. I have had my fair share of ups and downs, but I have always been a blessed person. The terrorism happening around the world hurts my heart and I cannot imagine suffering from that first hand. Being in that.

I am blessed and so thankful for my life. The Lord truly has given me so many wonderful things and I never want to take them for granted.

Peace, Love, and Mirrors

http://www.mjkimpan.com/what-i-learned-at-gay-pride/

This post will make a lot of people unhappy. But something dawned on me this evening while I lay in bed and checked my news feed.

but i say to you, love your enemies,
and pray for those who persecute you

I have been unhappy with the Christians surrounding me this week. Growing up, I was taught over and over again how Christ was sent to this Earth to die for my sins. To save a worthless sinner like me.

And then I watch people who have taught me this point fingers and pass judgement on those who they consider sinners. 

Matthew 7:3 (NIV)

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

James 2:10 (NIV) 

For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.

Romans 3:23 (NIV)

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God

We were not sent to this Earth to pass judgement on to others. We were sent here to spread the word of God. God shows endless love in the Bible and so many Christians are not showing love this week. 

And for me, this isn't just about gay rights. It's about the racial problems in the south, it's about the countless laws being passed that I don't agree with but slip under the radar because the government has the world overturned over one law. It's about the way our government is being run. Period. End of story. It's the way people accept the word of CNN and Fox News without checking their facts. It's about forgetting that this country was founded on the freedom of religion. Freedom from a government that tries to control how it's people think, only everyone is trying to turn our government into the monster we ran from in the very beginning.

I have the freedom to praise my Lord in this country and spread His love to everyone around me. I believe God wants His light to shine through me.

I was very troubled by something someone prayed about this week. I felt like I was being told to fight the law just passed regardless of what that makes me look like as a Christian.

I'm sorry I don't agree with you. I do care what I look like as a Christian. I do care if I'm being perceived as a judge mental hypocrite. I sin. I have watched people I love the most sin against me in ways I feel have damaged me for my entire life. I have forgiven them. And I will continue to use my compassion and move forward in this world with it. I refuse to raise my son in such a judgemental environment. 

I'm not being persecuted by liberals. I'm being persecuted by the people who are supposed to be my brothers and sisters in Christ. They will persecute me when they read this, they will judge me, some will probably question my beliefs.

All because I choose to spread love instead of judgement. And isn't that sad? I'm not saying to go against your beliefs. We were all given the right to vote, and the right to voice our opinions. But we are all told not to pass judgement on others. So be careful how you word your opinion, friend. 

Next time you point your finger, make sure there is a mirror in front of you first. We have all sinned. We have all fallen short of the glory of God. All of us.

The Ramblings of a Crazy Person

I've been a lot more open about my anxiety to my friends and family to the point that they have commented to me about it. They feel it is helping me move forward and I am in a time in my life where I am moving forward.

This is the first time I have felt a "pull" towards anything. I am feeling the pull towards going back to school and heading towards my career goals (more to come on that).

I have not been in a good place in the past few months. I fell into a deep pit. Two weeks ago I was having panic attacks so bad every day that I had to take my son to my mom's house just to breath. I immediately sought help in my doctors. I sought help in my church. And I am finally starting to see results.

I don't expect life to change for me overnight. I truly know I will need to work very hard to achieve some of the goals I have set for myself.

God is working through me very strictly right now. In fact, I don't feel like I've ever heard Him speak to me this much in my entire life. He opened my eyes to so much and I am finally on such a good path. Letting Him lead me is the best decision I've ever made and the results happen daily. I am so thankful to have found this comfort in him and his daily reminders in my life.

It will not suck forever.

"Will you trust me when my answer is wait?"

Yes, and I will keep forcing myself to.

Leading Hand

I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in God's hand in my life. He has a plan for me and when I am lost or in confused He has always given me direction. 

I have had a rough two years with my relationship with God. I lost my grandmother, became a mother, struggled in my marriage, and watched my parents divorce. All of these things put a strain on my relationship with God. I never blamed him for any of this. I knew Leelish was struggling, He wanted her home and took her there. I didn't like it, but I knew she wasn't hurting anymore. I knew that hormones and brain chemicals were ruining my marriage. I prayed and begged for Him to fix me. I needed to fix myself! I finally asked for help from doctors and soon after getting on medication I could better communicate with my husband. God gave us free will. My family members made choices that I don't agree with and I found myself needing God more. I want to represent to my family, and more importantly my children, God's love. WWJD has been my mantra this year. Hello 1999?

The reason I bring all of this up is because I've been focusing more on my relationship with God, and in return, I am seeing his answers and work with me! I have been reading biographies like no ones business lately! I've probably taken out 5-8 books in two months. And these books have really shown me some insight into my walk with The Lord and his plan for me. 

First, is it coincidence that I just happened to pick up Stephanie's book (see previous posts) and read about her incredible journey and her never ending love with the Father? No! I literally just grabbed it off of the long and endless shelves of biographies and found her! Now I follow her blog and am constantly inspired by her. Not only in faith, but as a mother and wife. She is what I want to be in a woman. I've struggled for so long trying to find my place in life. I never, in a million years, thought I would want to be a stay at home mom. But once Brayden was born everything about being a homemaker came so naturally to me. I realized, this is it! I found my place in life and unfortunately it brings in zero income.

I have been so blessed the last few months to be able to watch one of my good friend's daughters. Both of our husbands were furloughed this summer and financially it worked out for both of us for me to keep her while they were at work. Cheaper day care for them and a little bit of extra money for us! I knew it would be temporary, and sadly it is coming to a close as they are going to soon be welcoming a new little one into the family. I didn't realize how much me and B would enjoy spending time with this little girl. Taking care of the two of them has been a joy, and quite a learning experience! And now, I think I would like to watch more kids. However, I don't feel comfortable watching a stranger's child and none of my friends are looking for daycare at the moment. I know one beautifully lady has me booked already for 2016! But what do I do until then? I want to put B in preschool, but we want to pay off our debt and move in two years and that leaves us with little to no spending money. I know I could do it myself, but I struggle with laziness and patience. There's a reason I could never be a teacher myself despite my English degree. One kid? Sure! Multiple children of school age? Heck no! Anyway, in this rant I am trying to say I have been praying about my next step in life. I've enjoyed this spending money! I've been able to do more fun things with B and travel a bit. Soon that spending money will be gone and we will be back to the original budget. I've been praying about whether I should look for a job or not. Well now I've read two books that have talked about being a stay at home mom. One woman knew it was her destiny her whole life. Another was unsure. She needed the financial support of her part time job, but she felt God leading her away from working. Soon she followed His lead, quit, and the family remained financially sound with new financial opportunities presented soon after. Is this God leading me? I can't help but think it is! 

Unfortunately, this struggle is very real with moms everywhere and it's so sad that we have to go through such an ordeal to decide whether or not we stay home with our babies! And if we don't stay home, we feel guilty! But that's another topic for another day! 

My other book I read recently talked about respecting your parents and honoring them despite their faults. Looking for the good in them and focusing on that. And learning from their mistakes and becoming stronger because if them. This book specifically stated a case similar to my own. Due to my family's sensitivity on the subject still, I will remain vague. But again, God was present as I read this chapter. I have struggled with my relationship with my parents after the divorce and I have been seeking help from The Lord. I want to be loving and open, not angry. The Lord forgives and he is the ultimate Judge. So who the heck am I to hold a grudge? This doesn't mean I'm okay with things, but I'm trying very hard to move forward in my life.

God works in mysterious ways. He is an ever constant presence in my life. He shows me He's listening in subtle ways and I just need to open my heart and listen back. It's not easy, but I find that the more I try and stop to listen, the more I hear. And the more I hear, the happier of a person I am. This is important to me as I am not a happy person by default. There's no coincidence that I have happened upon the books I've been reading. And that they talk about things I am directly struggling with (which I did not know when choosing the books). I feel God working in my heart this week. And it feels good.