Home is Where the Heart Is

Coming back into the U.S. after being in Japan for almost 5 months is enough to give you whiplash. Granted, Hawaii is it's own entity. However, I feel like I've stepped into a new place and I'm now the foreigner. I've already grown so accustomed to Japan that driving was weird, eating was weirder, and I keep bending my head and saying "hai" whenever someone is asking or telling me something.

However, it's been a blast here. This state is truly a beautiful place to visit. As someone who receives a great deal of strength from the water, being surrounded by gorgeous beaches and blue waters is something that absolutely thrills me. I love the peace that comes with water, despite the ocean being quite a frightening thing. I love being on the beach, hearing the waves, watching the sun set. I love the feeling of the ocean breeze at night. I love that it even smells better here.

I've been trying really hard to make sure I see as much as I can in the short time I am here. I want to relax and enjoy the scenery, but I also want to take in as much as possible.

And on the other side, I want to experience America again. I want to shop at Target, browse the mall, eat drive thru crap food. The shopping I can handle, the food I cannot. And despite fighting strep throat after being here a week, my body can just no longer handle the heavy foods. My meals are significantly smaller, and the fat kid in me is angry at the amount of food I'm missing out on.

Also that I'm not losing more weight??

Regardless, it's been an interesting experience. I've learned a lot about myself in this short visit to Hawaii. I miss Japan, I miss my house in Japan, I miss the trains, the food, my nightly walks around my neighborhood. I miss 7-eleven. I have truly settled in this new land and called it home. I miss my friends and family so much, but I don't want to leave. I just wish I could bring them with me. It's an interesting tear in your heart, this feeling.

I'll be sad when my vacation is over, but as most vacations go, I will be so glad to be home again.

How to Adult?

Today I traveled to Tokyo to attend a concert alone. This is may not seem like a big deal to you, but to me it was a huge step. I often don't leave K's side in this country because his Japanese far surpasses my own. But I set off on this adventure and was successful. The train systems in Japan are crazy, but with the help of Google I only got mixed up one time up and was able to get straight home without a problem. I was able to get coffees and my seat at the venue. Even stopped in a side shop to buy a present for B.

(Japan isn't like the states, traveling alone is not a scary and dangerous thing here so don't freak out.)

I think a lot about how the Lord has led me to where I am today. How I woke up and had this sudden change of heart. He heard my prayers and He answered them. He gave me guidance and strength and placed new dreams into my heart.

Sometimes I think about where I was mentally two years ago and where I am at today and I'm so proud of myself. Two years ago the thought of moving to another country wasn't even possible. I couldn't handle it. Today I traveled in a foreign country where I don't speak the language at all, and I got more lost in the venue than I did traveling. You can absolutely overcome anything if you set your mind to it and I feel like I am living proof of that. 

I have had the help of the Lord, but it takes more than prayers to get somewhere. You have to be willing to build off of His strength and work hard. I still have a lot of problems with my anxiety. I still make K do phone calls for me, or come into the doctor with me. But I also force myself to overcome my mental illness and learn to get past it. Not longer is it something I let hold me back, it's something I learn to move beyond.

I'm just really proud of myself more than anything. I have a long way to go, but the steps you move past getting there make the journey worth it.

Getting It Out

I feel like I've reached a weird place in life where I am actually about to graduate from college and I am faced with the ever awful, "what now?"

I feel obliged to take jobs near my husband, to learn Japanese because I am in Japan, and to keep to those "safe" routes of life. But I didn't go after this degree to be safe.

I spent the evening with K talking about our future and the things I am stressing out about. On one hand I want to pursue my dreams, but what does that mean? It means that no matter what, in 5 years K has to go back to the U.S. I, however, don't have to. If I land my dream job I can keep working there, sending him and my son to live back in the states without me for 2 years. And of course, I could land this job while we are overseas, still sending me into a career that takes me away from my family for extended periods of time.

It makes me feel like I am a bad mother. I want to pursue this job that leaves my son without his mother and despite technology, I don't know how often I will see him. It's a choice I have to make. I could get into a job, not like it, and quit. At least at the end of the day, I can say I pursued my dreams.

But what if I love my job?

What if it's everything I thought it would be and I don't want to quit. Am I still that bad mom?

K is the most supportive person in my life. He encourages me to do what I want to do, insisting he and B will be fine without me and we can just take things as they come. It doesn't make me feel any less guilty though.

Why do I have to feel guilty? Why do I have to feel like I'm choosing between my career and family and not making it work out so I can have both? I have a husband who is willing to let his wife live in another country for 2 years by herself if it means she's achieving her dreams. The person who is holding me back is me.

I just feel a bit lost. Do I take a break in learning Korean and concentrate on Japanese before getting back into Korean. Do I try both? Do I say screw Japanese and go hard at Korean? Because I can't do anything overseas if I can't hold a conversation with anyone in the industry.

These are the anxieties keeping me up at night, running over and over in my mind until I burst into tears in the middle of KFC when K makes a passing comment about eating dinner at home.

I just wish I didn't feel like I was neglecting one part of my life by going for another. My mind tells me to stop, and I don't even know if I will ever even end up in my dream jobs? But, I still want to try.

And after all of this, all of the encouragement and deciding "I can do this" once again. I feel scared.

I feel like I'm going after something that so many people think will never happen for me. I'm the kind of person who really digs in her heels and achieves what she wants, but it doesn't come without hard work and tears.

I can't find a job as it is, so I am going to spend the next 6 months studying another language like it's my duty in life and really give life my all. After tonight, I feel that empowerment again. Just a year ago I was scared of even applying to school again. But I'm doing it, I'm finishing my degree, I'm learning another language (possibly 2) and I'm going to go after my freaking dream job.

I'll probably just cry a lot in between. You know, anxiety and all.

3 Months in and I'm Still Here

I've been meaning to make this post for quite some time. Unfortunately, time is not always on our side, is it? As of July 13 I have been living in Japan for 3 months, and yeah, I still love it.

I don't have any friends. I am trying desperately to find a job, finish school, and not melt. However, these are all difficult things to accomplish while not being as socially awkward as I am. I went outside of my comfort zone and took B out to a special PT for Tots thing, and man my awkwardness is just uncanny. Met another American neighbor this week while at the park with B, again, I'm so socially awkward people could write books about me. I am stepping out of my comfort zones, however, and that is steps in the right direction.

I am applying for jobs a bit earlier than I planned. Due to some miscommunications we are looking at having to send B to Preschool off-base and we have to pay out of pocket for this. I definitely need work and I've begun applying to English teaching jobs. I am not good at teaching. At all. I've never been good at it, I have no patience for people. When they don't understand something I explain the first time I get irritated and short. A very great amount of people have suggested I home school B. Unfortunately, with my mental health, full time college courses, and overall crap-self; this isn't an option for me. First of all, I've tried. Since I am stuck in the house with him all day we go through Preschool learning books that he got for his birthday and he just doesn't listen to me at all. I'm also trying to learn Japanese with him, but it's like pulling teeth. I really hope he's only like this for me and not at school, but he needs much deeper structure and also kids to play with.

Which brings me back to the teaching thing. If I can't teach a 4-year old how to count to 10 in Japanese, how am I supposed to teach an adult how to English? I can't even teach myself.

I've also been suffering from insomnia during the last month! Fun facts, almost every website online will tell you the leading cause of insomnia is anxiety and stress. Up until this week, I haven't even been stressed or anxious so I'm not even sure why my body hates me? It's making my mental health decline and as a result I am just not in good shape.

A lot of praying has been happening this month. Mostly because I am unsure of where to go from here. K told me today that he knows I wanted to achieve some career goals and dreams while overseas and to go for it and we'll figure the rest out. And learning another language is hard. After the day is done and I've suffered in my classes online, suffered in my learning another language, and suffered in applying for jobs my self esteem is low. What if I'm doing it all wrong? Am I really supposed to be after these career goals? Was college a waste? Should I stay home and have more babies and try to teach my kids like everyone thinks I should be doing?

There is only One that can determine my path and I constantly pray for that path to be shown to me.

Nothing goes without hardships, but I guess I got so excited about how coming out here was good moves in our lives, that I had subconsciously expected it all to go perfect and smooth. But life isn't like that, is it?

This isn't to say I don't like Japan. I love it here! I can't wait for people to come visit me so I can show off my beautiful new home. It's just lovely, it's hot as crap right now, but it's lovely. We want to stay here as long as we can.

I know it's only been 3 months and I have a long road ahead of me. I just need a little more guidance, a little more faith, and a little less humidity. (it's hot!!)

Are you sure you want to ejaculate?

Don't let the title scare you, this is just another fun blog about being a foreigner living in a country that doesn't speak your language.

This month I am taking two college classes versus my normal one. K has taken this like a champ and the past two Sundays has taken B out to run some errands so I could get a big portion of my homework done with no distractions. This last Sunday he took him to drop of some donations to the second hand store.

The problem with your first overseas move is the amount of unnecessary items you will bring with you, and the amount of necessary items you'll leave at home. I have donated so much stuff because I simply don't need it here and do not have the storage for it. I also keep remembering things I put in storage in the states that I could have brought with me. You live and you learn.

Most of the younger generations in Japan know English. They are taught it 1-12 grade in almost every school. However, they don't speak it well. They learn to read and write in the language, but they do not know how to converse. Therefore, when faced with a foreigner most of them panic. Americans are classified talkers in this country. We are loud and unnecessarily conversational and that is now how they operate here. If they can avoid speaking to you in English they will.

Most of the time this isn't a problem. K knows enough Japanese that the locals assume he's fluent and immediately speak normally to him, therefore leaving us staring at them blankly. Google Translate's app has this amazing function where you can have someone speak to the phone and the phone will try to translate it.

However, in a crowded mall where there is a lot of background noise and busy people, it may not work. So when the donation woman is trying to ask you if you are sure you want to donate the enormous box of crap you just bought her, it may try to assume she's asking you, "are you sure you want to ejaculate?"

If you know how conservative this country is you can imagine the horror this woman experienced when the phone wrote that question in both English and Japanese. Luckily for her, K is a very jolly person and laughed it off. He attempted to make her feel at ease by telling her it was okay and he got most of what she was trying to say. However, she was thoroughly embarrassed and who could blame her?

I feel really bad having to ask people to translate things for me. A lot of the time you see it on their face when you walk in a restaurant or store. "Oh no. Another foreigner, please don't ask me to speak English." And when you do ask them if they speak English they sometimes have that look of "crap". I don't blame them, because we feel that same embarrassment speaking Japanese. Well, I do. K is a natural and his upbringing early in life in Japan is to thank for that. He has a perfect accent and can pronounce everything enough that, as I said earlier, they assume he's fluent. I, on the other hand, sound like a white person trying to speak Japanese.

We make it a point, when asking Japanese people to speak in English, to tell them their English pronunciation is very good. And we thank them profusely of course. Most of the time, their English really is good, and they have nothing to worry about.

This same weekend we went to a restaurant where you sign in instead of having a hostess take your name. They ask you if you want smoking or non-smoking in Kanji on this sheet and K and I had no idea what it meant. We eventually gave up when Google translate failed us for the second time that day. A girl who had been seated before us walked up to me and said she noticed we were trying to take pictures of it. I asked her if she could tell us what it meant and she did.

Despite them being uncomfortable speaking English, everyone here is very nice. If you meet a rude person in Japan, I'd bet money they weren't Japanese. Or they weren't brought up in Japan. They may look at us funny sometimes, especially the kids when we are further away from the base. But 99% of the time, everyone is kind, polite, and could care less that we're foreign in their country. At least, they don't express in a way I could tell. They may think it, but it doesn't show at all.

We took B to a park outside of the Starbucks we enjoy and a group of kids we assume came from the same neighborhood were out playing. One took an immediate liking to B and played with him specifically, trying to show him the way they were playing (tag, I assume) and helping him down the slide and such. B ran over to us and was so excited about this new friend. He loves older boys and thinks he's really cool when he gets to play with them. This boy was obviously an older sibling, he was natural with the way he treated B. K told B how to say hello to the boy in Japanese and we watched him run over and say it rushed and it didn't sound quite right. But the boy smiled and said it back to B and they ran off together. Later B was showing off and lifted his shirt to be silly, the boy laughed, but then stood up and immediately pulled B's shirt down and kind of ruffled his hair. K and I had to laugh, we had opened our mouths to tell B to put the shirt down right as the little boy put it down for him.

It was an amazing moment to watch. Our son communicated to this other kid, and they had such a good time playing. As the sun went down, the kids had to run off on their bikes and the boy made sure B saw him wave goodbye before riding off. It was a sweet moment, my heart was full. This little boy gave my son such a lovely evening and they didn't even speak the same language.

Again I am floored by the purity of children. Especially as the U.S. sees this horrific tragedy in Florida. The media tries to twist it for their own good, but here's the simple facts. 50+ people were slaughtered in an act of hate. It's that simple.

When two kids who don't even speak the same language can communicate and have fun together, why can't adults live in a society together without being so negative and hurtful to one another?

K and I have learned a lot about ourselves in the short time we've been in Japan. We don't know anyone, we don't speak their language at all, and for a while getting around was difficult. Not once have I felt a negative air in this country. Even when we ask them to speak English. They are so kind to us, a couple who has come into their land to live.

Japan isn't a perfect country by any means. Everyone has their flaws, every land, every government, every person. But the fact of the matter is that it is entirely possible to live in a positive way. And it's not something that you have to point the finger to do. It starts with you. Looking in the mirror, and decide to be loving, deciding to be kind, and decide to spread a positive image of yourself and who you are. People are going to be ignorant and annoying, but do you have to respond to them in the same way? No.

"Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13 

Minimizing Your Life

If I have learned anything at all from this move it is how little I actually need in my life. I almost feel like I could get rid of most of the things I left in storage because I just don't need it nor want it?

I've been virtually living out of a suitcase for almost 3 months. I am in the process of washing and cleaning all of our clothes that got shipped over and I find myself getting rid of most of them. I just don't need it, not to mention I don't have the room for all of it.

The best part about getting rid of all of this stuff is the opportunity to get more things. There really is something to replacing whatever it is you're buying.

Don't get me wrong, I love books, shoes, and my k-pop cd collection takes up two shelves on my tv stand. But everything else is just...unnecessary? And getting rid of stuff in Japan is hard. It's not like the U.S. where you can hop on ebay or simply drop off of a box at Vintage Value. I realize now, I don't care if I'm losing money getting rid of some of this stuff. It's just stuff and unfortunately sometimes that means getting rid of things that you think are worth money. Are they worth the stress of finding the money for it?

I realize now it's kind of suffocating to own so much? Going through it all, unpacking and trying to find space for it. It's making me feel overwhelmed and I don't like it at all. I enjoyed having very little to deal with. Especially with where I am in my life where we are going out a lot and the amount of laundry I have to do is something I just don't have time for.

So I guess the point of this post is to say, if you ever want to minimize your lifestyle, live out of a suitcase for a month. Just a month, don't allow yourself clothes from anywhere else in your house. Pick out whatever fits in the suitcase and work from that alone.

I think you'll be surprised how much you'll want to get rid of things afterwards.

Let All That You Do Be Done In Love

Today our agent was kind enough to take us to meet our neighbors. She translated for us an introduction to who we were and where we were living. While getting ready I put on a long sleeved shirt and a band aid over my tattoo on my wrist. Japan is a country that has a stigma against tattoos, and while it's not uncommon to see a foreigner with one, I wanted to respect their tradition and culture. I'm not ashamed of my tattoo, but I am respectful and try to be as mannerly as possible. Americans are not always welcomed here, and not everyone agrees the U.S. should be on their soil. After I arrived here a Marine was convicted for the rape and murder of a 20 year old woman in Okinawa. My husband and I discussed this at length, I said to him "isn't it a shame that the majority have to suffer because of the minority?" Obviously most Americans and soldiers do not act disrespectfully. But who will you notice on the streets? The quiet people who did as they should, or the loud obnoxious drunk ones?

My husband's response was perfect, "We just have to show them that we're not all like that." And thus, we try extra hard to insert friendliness and respect wherever we go in the country. We are ambassadors here and we choose to represent that part of our country that is often muted. The ones who aren't full of themselves, loud about their opinions, and often times very very wrong about their entire way of life.

I could go on for days about my dislike for the ignorant country the United States has become, but that's neither here nor there. Back to my tattoo...

My 4-year old could not understand why I was covering it. Why would someone be judgmental of this simple thing on my wrist? He said to me, "but mommy I don't want anyone to be mad at you because of your tattoo." I never said the people would be mad, but that's what he took away from my explanation of them not liking tattoos very much.

I found myself struck with that moment of, "if only people could look at the world the way a child does". Children are raised from the beginning to be loving, kind, sharing, accepting, etc. Where do we go wrong? Where do we suddenly decide we are better than someone else? When do we stop the love?

I often joke that I am the hippie of my family and everyone hates when I go on my rants, but it led me to a discussion about church, the Lord, and raising our son with my husband. I feel as though I was put on this Earth, not to judge, but to be a representation of Christ's love in my life. I have felt led to the places I am in now. I know He has loved and blessed me repeatedly. I hope to be an example of Him. I want people to know me and think "she was so kind" and if the fact that I was Christian comes in to play, I'm glad. I don't hide it, because the Lord is the reason I am here today. Not only because of the breath I have been given, but because of the low points I have reached and how He has called me out of the darkness so many times over.

I am not perfect. I do not always have a kind tongue or warm heart. Especially around those I am comfortable with, who know I can be stubborn and down right mean. Those are not characteristics I enjoy about myself. I constantly aim to change my behavior. I want to encourage others, not show them my nasty side.

My neighbors are lovely, and because of the neighborhood I am in, there are multiple family members in each home. I was greeted by the grandparents of both houses today and they were both the kindest, sweetest people. Knowing next to know English, I have little doubt they wouldn't help me if I needed it somehow.

If everyone acted like this, showed the love and stopped passing so much harsh judgement on each other, what would the world be like?

It takes no effort at all to be nasty, so why does it take effort to be nice?

SHINee World 2016: Tokyo Dome Day 2

I don't think I could have chosen a better first Tokyo Dome concert. Or Japanese concert even.

SHINee are incredibly talented boys, all five have such unique voices that they've developed with such strength that they can dance and sing live for hours. It's impressive, truly.

I knew going into this concert that it was going to be amazing and it truly was.

We started the afternoon with our train rides into Tokyo. We packed all we needed into two backpacks and hit the streets. I must say, as confusing as the train system can be, there are many apps and signs in English that can help you figure out your way. 

The train ride for us is a little over an hour if you include having to switch trains and what not. Luckily one of the trains takes you straight to the Dome.

The Tokyo Dome has a city complex around it with an amusement park and shops. It's enormous but very clean and nice.

We were literally in the second to last row of the stadium, but truly there isn't a bad seat in the house. My only complaint would be that it was a bit harder to hear up top as the echo could only be absorbed so much.

The stadium was filled and as we each got a light stick upon entering the second the lights went down the green sea lit up. It's so incredible to see the amount of people all there to support the same group and I can't imagine being the artist. 

Watching SHINee perform is next level as they are so talented and amazing. However as they did their ments you could see those fun personalities shine through and they had me laughing multiple times.

They were recording for the DVD so they made a few comments about having to be on point and they showed off a lot more (I believe) with that in mind. Lots of cute acts and silly antics. 

Obviously seeing them in person you get blown away with how attractive they are in real life. They literally look like they step straight out of your computer or tv screen onto the stage.

They sang 4 or 5 ballads in a row and little man was instantly lulled to sleep. Who can blame him with 5 honey like voices filling the room? But they performed one of his favorite songs early on and he was so star struck it was cute. He didn't know if he should sing and dance or make sure he watched them!

Their solo performances were so great. Key's was fun and vibrant, Minho sang a cute song and his vocals are so rich. He's come a long way and it shows. He could do more vocals on his own if he wanted I believe. Jonghyun sang Crazy which I loved. Jinki's song blew me, and the entire audience, away. His voice and his breath support is just incredible. I was so impressed and he gave me goosebumps. Taemin was last and sang a bit of a compilation of his album which included One by One, Soldier, and Press Your Number. Soldier is my jam and he sang my favorite part of the song.

There were fan projects for each night and ours spelled out "always with you". It was really neat to see that and be a part of it. The boys were clearly blown away and so grateful. 

They made a point to run to each corner of their stages and now and thank the fans. 

You can see their humble attitudes in all they do. Minho especially was always the last on stage. It was as if he was literally trying to wave to every individual in the audience with his precious smile. He really made you feel warm inside watching him.

All in all my love for this group has only expanded after seeing them live. They deserve to be invited back to the Dome for two nights in a row. Their hard work and talent is apparent. I'm glad to support them. 

After the concert we stayed in a ridiculously nice hotel that was right next to the Tokyo Tower and walking there at night was breath taking. 

I've been to a lot of cities and although I haven't traveled the world much I could definitely say Tokyo has been the cleanest city I've been in so far. Granted I didn't see a lot of it.

Everything about the concert was organized and efficient the Japanese have learned how to handle the massive crowds for sure. 

Anyway, it was a nice overnight trip and introduction to the train system and the Dome. I definitely plan on making more trips up to Tokyo for more concerts so maybe one day I can be confident enough to go without my husband along. (Probably not for a long time but a girl can dream)

Traveling to Japan

So I wanted to talk about getting myself to Japan with nothing by my person and a 4-year old side kick.

Started out by oversleeping and leaving later than I wanted to which meant no coffee, so I'm already on a great start. But it gets better.

I proceed to get into the airport with my two suitcases, three carry-on's and son. Get to the check in and it won't work. Get to the counter the man says "Oh, these are government tickets and they weren't paid for yet."

"Can I just pay for them myself?" I ask him, ready to set the airport on fired.

"Do you have a government credit card?"

"No, I'm just the dependent."

"Then no, I'm sorry."

So panic is setting in. My flight takes off in a little over an hour and I haven't even gotten to security. I call up the husband and begin to panic. He tells me to call the travel agency the company uses. I call them and get this old guy with the thickest Boston accent I have ever heard who tells me "Oh you need to call Helen in Virginia." So I try to sound nice and hang up and call Helen. Helen is very nice, she is immediately concerned with this and tells me she's going to walk downstairs and take care of it personally to sit tight.

I call the husband in tears at this point because although everything can be fixed, I'm already feeling weird about the whole moving to another country bit on top of everything going wrong.

So Helen calls me back, tickets have been paid for. I go to check in and the lady tells me I have to take 10 collective lbs out of my suitcases. So I basically end up carrying even more crap then I originally intended on doing.

Plus I have a 4 year old.

So somehow I manage to get through security, stop at the convenience store, grab juice and milk, take my magic happy pills, get chocolate milk into my kid, get on first plane.

First plane ride was just fine. B did great, he was a little nervous, but he enjoyed it. I fed him some yogurt from the convenience store and he was excited to get sprite. He played his gameboy and I tried to relax and rest.

We land on that plane and we end up being close to the last ones off because, again I'm carrying three bags and have a 4-year old. We have literally an hour until the other plane takes off. I get on the train, get to the gate, get to another convenience store and stock up on some protein bars, cheeze its (a must with B) and some waters. We get back in line in time for them to start calling the zones. There are some perks to looking like a ruffled mother with too many bags and her kid. 1. I had a military passport, meaning I was traveling on my orders. So when the people saw the red they mostly just let me go. I get on the plane which is a house on wheels. The flight attendant sees my struggle and immediately helps me out and takes my bag to put up into the thing for me. We get settled in and it's a bit tight, but it wasn't terrible. I'm so glad I chose aisle seats because I was able to stand up and move about a lot easier. The girls in our row were very kind and I'm pretty sure B's head was resting against one of their arms while he slept.

Which was only for 2 hours.

Out of the 12 hours flight.

But he was great, he just played and watched movies and I actually had to make him mad and stand up and stretch and move around and go potty. He was content sitting there for 12 hours doing nothing. He's my kid, what can I say?

The flight was otherwise uneventful. We landed a few minutes early and had to wait for the next plane to move out of our gate. Well, B decided that was the time to fall asleep and passed OUT. So I literally waited for everyone to get off the plane before even beginning to get him to move. Again, another flight attendant sees my struggle and takes one of my bags to the end of the plane for me. B is slow moving, still half asleep and I'm glad we were there for good because there was no way I would have made a connecting flight with him moving so slow.

We get to customs and immigration and the line is unreal. B tells me as soon as we get into line he has to pee and it's an emergency and the bathrooms are of course the entire distance away from where we are standing. So I gather all of our crap, get him to the potty, and get back in line. We get in line and he starts crying. He wants me to hold him, but I am holding a backpack, a messenger bag that weighs 100 lbs, and dragging his tiny darth vader bag. This only makes him cry harder.

I try and try to get him to settle down, but he's having none of it and so I cave and pick him up. I am literally balancing him on the messenger bag against my stomach and pulling the vader bag. People are, at this point, beginning to make comments. "Oh do you have a connecting flight?" "No, we are here for the next 3 years. My husband is on the other side of this." The nice man in front of me asked if he could carry a bag for me and just as I was going to answer one of the Japanese immigration women came up to me and asked to see my passports. When I showed her she pulled me out of line and took me over to the priority line that had 3 people in it.

God bless this woman, I hope she finds money on the ground.

I get through the rest with no problems. At baggage claim I grab one of those carts that keeps me from dying. I get to customs, the guy sees my passport, asks me if I have any weapons, when I say no he lets me go through.

God bless that lovely man.

Finally, we are reunited with Kurt. B is excited and I go to the convenience store when I find a Japanese magazine with 2PM on it (a band for those who don't know) and I am a happy mom for the 2 hours we have to wait for the next bus because we missed the first one.

It's all good though, the bus showed up and I think B and I were on it for maybe 10 minutes before we both passed out.

All in all, everything could have been much worse. Things could have gone downhill and everything could have been crap. My kid is amazing, he's so excited about being here and he's going to fit in just fine. The husband is also doing amazing and is loving his job and fitting in great.

I have a lot of anxieties still. I don't know anyone here so of course that makes me anxious. The thought that this is my new home for the next few years is still a lot to wrap my head around. But I'm not sad about it. I am still excited for the adventure. I see things and I think "I can't wait for people to visit me so I can show them this." I've started leaving post its of Japanese words all over the house in hopes of learning it quicker. I also hope after my classes on base, I will find a Japanese course I can take. Once I am more comfortable in the language I will be more comfortable here, I think.

Regardless, we made it! We are safe! And God's plans are better than our own.

Dream, Hope, Forward.

“꿈, 희망, 전진” “Dream, Hope, Forward.”

The phrase is one you may recognize from BTS’s “Young Forever” song. I had been bouncing around what exactly I wanted as a phrase for this tattoo for months, actually. A year ago I had a huge mental breakdown and I have since pushed myself past so many limits I thought I had. This tattoo has a few different meanings for me. 

The first is to remind myself how far I have come. I am moving out of this country on Friday. Something I swore I never thought I would ever do. I only have memories of living in the place I am in right now. This is a huge step for me, as I have let my anxieties rule my life for so long and I don’t want to do that anymore. It’s a promise I made to myself when I hit that bottom over a year ago. It’s a promise I haven’t broken. I was able to pick myself up, go back to work, go back to school, and now I am able to start a new chapter of my life in a different country. I am so proud of myself for how far I’ve come. I have moved from the woman who had to take her son to her mother’s house because she couldn’t even leave the couch without having a panic attack, to a woman accomplishing her goals and her dreams. I want to encourage so many others suffering from depression and anxiety. It’s not something that has to rule your life. I want to be a good example to my kid and to those around me that I didn’t let my anxiety win.

The second one is one where people will probably judge me, but that’s okay. I expect judgement. I expect ridicule. I don’t mind it, because I did this for myself and my own happiness. As I said earlier, I was struggling to find the right phrase. I didn’t want a huge phrase or a huge tattoo, knowing that it was my first and on my wrist. I had considered getting a lot of different things, but I had always leaned towards lyrics from BTS. I got into them as I hit this low point in my life and they have always held a special place in my heart because of that reason. There have been countless days where I have been anxious or depressed and seen a show they were on, a post on SNS, or even just something from the past come up and they put a smile on my face. I have watched them grow as a group and remain humble and true. I truly adore these boys and their music has brought a lot of happiness to my life. However, as I was not settling on a specific lyric or phrase, I put this tattoo on the back burner.

Then they released this song. Right before I leave the country they release it, and I saw those lyrics and I just knew. This is it. That’s what I want to remind me of how far I’ve come, of who I am now. The translation is "dream, hope, forward/advance or even keep moving".

The fact that the lyrics come from this group is just a fantastic bonus for me. I know where the lyrics come from, I know the heart and hard work that’s been put into their own lives. 

And thus, my first tattoo is here. I get to be reminded of how strong I am every day of my life. I am proud of myself, proud to take these steps, proud to show my son what I overcame. To have my friends there made it so much better, to have them to share the experience with.

I will truly miss my friends and family so so much when I leave. It’s what makes leaving so hard. But I am so excited to embrace my future and see what God has in store for me. He led me to every decision I have made up until this point and I know He will continue to lead me. 

As Friday comes I will embrace my hopes and my dreams, and I will keep moving forward.