Everything Changes

Today's a day like any other, but I am changed. 

I am a mother.

Oh, in an instant, and who I was has disappeared.

It doesn't matter, now you're here.

So innocent.

I was lost for you to find, and now I'm yours and you are mine.

Two tiny hands, a pair of eyes, an unsung melody is mine for safekeeping and I will guard it with my life.

I'd hang the moon for it to shine on him sleeping.

Starting here and starting now, I can feel the heart of how everything changes.

My heart's at the wheel now, and all my mistakes, they make sense when I turn them around.

Everything changes.

What I though was so permanent fades, and I swear I'll remember to say we were both born that day.

Oh, and it's true. What did I do to deserve you?

I didn't know, but now I see, sometimes what is, is meant to be.

You saved me.

My blurry lines, my messy life, come into focus in a tied.

Maybe I can heal, and I can breath.

Because I can feel myself believe that everything changes.

My heart's at the wheel now, and all my mistakes, they make sense when I turn them around.

Everything changes.

What I though was permanent fades, and I swear I'll remember to say we were both born that day.

Oh, and it's true. What did I do to deserve you?

Thank God for you.

Mother's Day

Yesterday we went to my grandmother's grave to change the flowers. It was a pretty afternoon and the weather was nice and cool. It was the first time I really took B out to the grave site. It was amazing how powerfully I felt my grandmother there. It was like the moment we walked up I knew she was there. I felt her extreme love for her family,  and especially my B.

I often struggle with missing her when I think of how much she would have enjoyed B here in the physical world. I was reminded yesterday of how she is enjoying him in the spiritual world as well.

I truly felt her love for him. I could hear her voice talking to him and enjoying his silliness as he "fluffed" the flowers we placed on her grave. 

I have so many loved ones watching over my son and that's a great feeling. I miss my family who have passed on, but I often feel the presence of certain family members--even K's passed family members. When I feel them, I feel comfort. I know my little man is being watched over and protected.

It was a great feeling to have Leelish's presence around yesterday. I miss her more than there are words to describe, so it's nice to feel her love in such a physical way like that.

Countdown to 2

My almost 2 year old is already giving me samples of "terrible two" syndrome. This week: the battle of B versus the word "no". Disclaimer: I love my son. Read any of my posts and you will know that I love my son more than life itself. He is the greatest blessing I have ever known. That being said, he is also human. Most moms say that terrible twos is a real thing, some say it's threes; and unfortunate few are wondering when the "terrible" actually stops. I've always regarded moms with respect because I could see from day 1 how stubborn my little boy was. I soon learned that not only was he stubborn (just like his father), but he was incredibly short tempered (I will take blame for this trait). Now that we are only a few short months from reaching 2, his fun little quirks have now enhanced to all out battles. As I stated above, this week it is B versus the word "no". Actually it's B versus any word that comes out of mom's mouth because he truly does not listen to a thing I say. He climbs, he throws, he hits, he pulls; he is 100% boy. Of course this means he doesn't listen to save his life. I take dangerous things from him (like electronics or knives--you know death causing items) and I try to calmly explain that it can hurt him. Unfortunately my words fall on deaf ears because he's laying on the floor screaming bloody murder. I've read parenting articles on this fun toddler stage of life, and I am currently reading a book about raising boys and how scientists believe boys think versus girls. So I try to remember what I've read as I try to approach things in a different light. AKA not just yelling at him and constantly putting him in time out. Again, he could care less. He is beginning to learn, as I have told him since the day he was born, that I can out-stubborn any Dronenburg. This is an unfortunate thing for him as today he tried to climb on the couch to jump on it for probably a good 5 minutes, while I pulled him off and repeated "no" over and over again. Eventually he gave up and is currently on a tent that he knocked on it's side and is jumping on it. As every mom before me, I am left exhausted and ready to throw in the towel. And we are not even 2 yet. I am glad for the family roots in me that have left me unwilling to admit defeat. I refuse to lose to a young child and this fuels me to stay patient and loving. Plus, my kid is cute. And that helps. Needless to say, I know my experienced mothers out there can read this and laugh at my naive and inexperienced nature, and reflect on the times when their own son (or daughter) did the same to them. I know one day I will look back on this post and laugh myself, as B calls me to complain about his own son. Because Karma is real people.

Mother Son Date Night

What a day. B woke up this morning, happy and chatty as can be! However, when I walked into his room I saw that he and his bedding were covered in poop. Unfortunately through the night B fills his diaper with pee. Pee+A LOT of poop= enormous mess. It was the kind of mess that ended up with PJ's in the trash and B straight into the shower. These are definitely the less fun moments of motherhood that you just have to laugh at. What a way to start my week, full of more poop! B and I had plans to go to our local Chic Fil A for a mother/son date night that they were hosting. I had made reservations a couple of weeks ago and was looking forward the evening with him. He loves Chic Fil A so I was excited that it was a place he actually liked. He decided to not nap today, so I am pleasantly happy to say that dinner went well. It was a cute little set up they had of a 50's diner. We got ice cream afterward and headed home. At home we got into PJ's and B got a second wind. He has been running around the house screaming and playing as if I fed him sugar straight from the packet. Luckily, K is being amazing and took him downstairs to hang out for the last hour of the evening before bed time. Hopefully no nap B will be nice and tired in about 40 minutes! Recently found out that Disney on Ice is in DC right now! I was unaware that it was coming near us! Me and Tina are looking into tickets to take B with us. He still gets in for free and I think he would truly enjoy it. We found front row tickets for only $100 and we have been debating whether or not to get those and have a real treat this weekend. We will see what happens!

A New Respect

Ironically, I had my baby right before Mother's Day this year. It has put Mother's Day in perspective for me, definitely. Mother's have the hardest job of all. They have to have the most patience, kindness, love, and understanding than any other person on this earth. The love that a mother has for her child is not one that can be imagined until you hold that baby in your arms. I keep thinking to myself how incredible it is that I can love K so so much in a completely different way than I love my baby boy. But both of them hold my heart in their hands, I sometimes wonder if I even have room to share it anymore. So if there is a mother reading this blog, please know I see you and your job as a mother in a whole new light. I will never look at mother's day the same again. An Update: I am feeling loads better as far as my anxiety is concerned. I got an infection in my right breast which is making me feel a bit under the weather, but the antibiotics are helping tremendously. I even got a chance to run out to Kohls Friday night while K stayed home with the baby in between feedings. K has been the best husband a woman could ever want and need during this time. He has never once complained (to my face) about the amount I ask him to do daily. And if I need to shower or take a bath, he takes the baby and let's me do what I need to do. I love him so much and I try to tell him every day how grateful I am for him. I literally do not know how I am going to make it through this week as he goes back to work. I think it will be time to be calling my friends for back up =) I'm nervous about being home alone, but also prepared. Although he has not really put himself on a schedule, we do have a bit of a routine going now and I'm excited to have the house to myself and veg out again. Just spending time with my computer and tv, and now my son. I have to enjoy it while I can because pretty soon we will be watching his tv and playing his games. I'm fighting off being paranoid about taking him out into public. My mom keeps pushing me to take him out, but I have so many reserves. I am terrified of people touching him, and him getting sick. Even the germs I will get on my hands in a store and then having to touch him. I know I can bring wipes and hand sanitizer, but I'm still scared. I think to myself, I can do this I can take him out, and then when we're in the car I panic. He's still really young, but how long do I keep him isolated in my house? And in the end am I doing more harm than good by hiding him away from the world until I think he's ready? Will that just weaken his system instead of make it stronger? I go to the doctor on Monday for his 2 week check up and that's when I will ask what they suggest. I feel hearing it from them will *hopefully* give me a little more confidence. I have zero problem telling people not to touch my child while I'm in a store and I know it's a different world and people don't really do that anymore anyway, but I'm still scared of the germs that the world holds.