Opening My Heart

At the beginning of this week I was feeling troubled. It's troubles that have been following me around all summer long. My graduation date looms ahead of me and I am uncertain of how to set about my future and where to go. I've felt distanced from the Lord. He has lead me this far and to this point, and I suddenly felt like I couldn't hear Him anymore. What am I supposed to do next? How am I supposed to learn these languages that are so hard? How am I supposed to finish this degree and find a job in 6 months? How come I can't find a job now? How am I supposed to be okay with little B going to school and being left alone at home all day long?

I was by myself with B earlier this week while K was away on travel. We visited the base virtually every day because I find comfort there when I don't have K. I was walking through the book section in the NEX and I picked up a daily devotional. I turned to the day (the 27th) and it was about worries. It spoke about how you do not need to have all of the answers in order to stop worrying. Leaning on the Lord for support and trusting in Him will help. It struck me that this was the devotional and it was something I was struggling with; so I bought the book.

As the days have gone by this week I've done all of the devotions and really tried to let go of my anxieties and listen to the Lord to be able to hear Him again. All week I felt restless and unsettled, and I was wondering to myself if I would ever be able to get it right. I began to question myself. Were these dreams really what the Lord had set in my heart or was I after selfish things?

Tonight I sat down with my devotional and it quoted Deuteronomy 32:11. "Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them, bearing them on its pinions," The mother eagle pushes her babies out of the nest in order to encourage them to fly. The Lord pushes us out of our comfort zone to do the same. He has a plan, He knows what He is doing.

All week I stumbled upon videos of YouTubers discussing their own ambitions and going after their own hopes and dreams. It made me feel inspired a bit, and it made me not question myself as much. And then tonight I read that devotional and it dawned on me that the Lord was speaking to me, I just needed to stop and listen.

I truly believe He placed the dreams and goal in my heart for a reason. Obviously we all have a purpose, but my own goals are something that some people may look at funny. However, I feel led by the Lord and I have felt led by him since the first day I realized what I wanted to do as a career. I don't believe in coincidences, every step I've made to get to where I am today I have felt pushed to do so.

I need to remind myself that going after my career isn't selfish. I need to remind myself that the dreams and goals I have set are ones I can accomplish if I work hard and step out of that comfort zone. I have come this far, I live in a foreign country and I am learning two foreign languages while completing a degree. I can do this and I have the Lord on my side every step of the way.

I tend to let myself believe that there are people in my life who do not believe in me. But I think the reality is that the person standing in my way is me. I am doubting myself and spreading the anxiety in my own mind.

I knew going into this new life I wanted that it wouldn't be easy. But as I hit those harder hills I really let myself get down and out about it. I want to hold on to this feeling, this inspiration, and these goals. I want to keep reminding myself that He is the holding my hand and leading me every step of the way. I need to stop standing in my own way.

Do you believe Me when My answer is "wait"?

Sunday morning as I sat in church and listened to my Pastor preach, I'll admit I was not paying as much attention as I could have been. We are currently teaching little B how to sit through church and so keeping him occupied without disrupting the entire congregation is sometimes a bit trying. However, I heard my Pastor as he spoke about love, forgiveness, and dealing with people you have a problem with. In that moment, I loved his words, but I didn't necessarily feel like it was something I needed to know in that moment.

The Lord knows better.

This week I have been faced with different trials in my life having to deal directly with other people. The Lord knew on Sunday how my temper fires me up and that He needed to put my fire out before it even started. As I have been very angry and frustrated with people in my life this week, I have remembered my Pastor's words and my Lord's words to me.

I have also been feeling very down about my current situation. I am so blessed, I have been given so many great things in my life, however, K and I are ready to move forward. There is a lot we want to do in our careers, and he is ready to make those career changes. However, despite his constant efforts, he has gotten no where in being able to move forward in his career.

Patience is a virtue, this I know, but our hearts still struggle with being patient. We are ready to make a change and we feel as though we are stuck in a sort of state of "limbo" until those changes happen. How long should we try to wait before he should consider his other options? We are sitting on a lot of "what ifs" and we aren't sure where to move.

This morning I opened up a book I have called "Encouragement for Today". I don't read it daily, but I do try to open it when I am struggling in my patience with God. The chapter was on planting seeds, and although she focused a bit more on planting seeds of faith in others she mentioned waiting on God. How we plant the seeds and we can water than, but the Lord is what makes them grow.

K and I have planted our seeds. The Lord knows our hearts and our dreams, we have to be patient as we wait for Him to grow our seeds. I have faith in His plan for us, I know He planted these goals in our hearts for a reason.

This week I am learning the humble lesson of patience. Patience with my friends, patience with my family, and patience with Christ. I am struggling deeply this week with a lot of different things, but I know I can lean on my Lord to help me through it all. He knows my heart, which is so very clear to me after the sermon on Sunday has helped me through my week tremendously. The Lord knows. He knows everything and He has a plan for us. I hope that I can remember this as I continue through my week.

Romans 15:13

13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Matthew 5:16

16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Peace, Love, and Mirrors

http://www.mjkimpan.com/what-i-learned-at-gay-pride/

This post will make a lot of people unhappy. But something dawned on me this evening while I lay in bed and checked my news feed.

but i say to you, love your enemies,
and pray for those who persecute you

I have been unhappy with the Christians surrounding me this week. Growing up, I was taught over and over again how Christ was sent to this Earth to die for my sins. To save a worthless sinner like me.

And then I watch people who have taught me this point fingers and pass judgement on those who they consider sinners. 

Matthew 7:3 (NIV)

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

James 2:10 (NIV) 

For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.

Romans 3:23 (NIV)

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God

We were not sent to this Earth to pass judgement on to others. We were sent here to spread the word of God. God shows endless love in the Bible and so many Christians are not showing love this week. 

And for me, this isn't just about gay rights. It's about the racial problems in the south, it's about the countless laws being passed that I don't agree with but slip under the radar because the government has the world overturned over one law. It's about the way our government is being run. Period. End of story. It's the way people accept the word of CNN and Fox News without checking their facts. It's about forgetting that this country was founded on the freedom of religion. Freedom from a government that tries to control how it's people think, only everyone is trying to turn our government into the monster we ran from in the very beginning.

I have the freedom to praise my Lord in this country and spread His love to everyone around me. I believe God wants His light to shine through me.

I was very troubled by something someone prayed about this week. I felt like I was being told to fight the law just passed regardless of what that makes me look like as a Christian.

I'm sorry I don't agree with you. I do care what I look like as a Christian. I do care if I'm being perceived as a judge mental hypocrite. I sin. I have watched people I love the most sin against me in ways I feel have damaged me for my entire life. I have forgiven them. And I will continue to use my compassion and move forward in this world with it. I refuse to raise my son in such a judgemental environment. 

I'm not being persecuted by liberals. I'm being persecuted by the people who are supposed to be my brothers and sisters in Christ. They will persecute me when they read this, they will judge me, some will probably question my beliefs.

All because I choose to spread love instead of judgement. And isn't that sad? I'm not saying to go against your beliefs. We were all given the right to vote, and the right to voice our opinions. But we are all told not to pass judgement on others. So be careful how you word your opinion, friend. 

Next time you point your finger, make sure there is a mirror in front of you first. We have all sinned. We have all fallen short of the glory of God. All of us.