My husband recently took a trip to the states and while there I sent him to my beloved and highly missed Target. I sent him there with a list, including pictures and brands of what I wanted him to get for myself and our son to replace some clothes in the house.
Not to my surprise he didn't come back with what I asked for, but really, it's not his fault.
I asked for yoga pants because Target sells them in longs. I prefer yoga pants for a variety of reasons and like most women the number one reason being that they're comfortable. As I just finished explaining to my husband, yoga pants form to my body. I am shapely, but I am tall. I fit right between the Plus Size and Regular categories of clothes. Most plus sized clothes are too short on me because they're made to be wider, not longer. Most regular clothes are too tight.
Therefore, buying clothes sucks. In retrospect, this works to my advantage because I really like clothes and shoes. I have big feet and a curvy body and therefore nothing comes easily in those things. Basically, if I was skinny I'd be broke.
So my husband, noticing that I am not wearing the pants he bought me tries to understand this explanation. Finally, I put the sweat pants on. They should be the right size, but they're not longs and they're not stretchy like yoga pants. When I put them on he got really quiet with that typical husband face of "suddenly everything she was just saying makes perfect sense."
It's just unfortunate that the fashion industry, while seemingly "trying" to adapt to the culture that every body is beautiful, still doesn't make clothes for everyone. I've even seen articles talking about how most clothes are even made to look good on the hanger, not on your body.
The problem for me is that I am tall, and I'm "fat". No, I don't have a poor outlook on my body, I'm just overweight. I can admit it and live with that. I just want a pair of jeans that I don't scream and rip off the second I walk through the door of my house in exchange for house pants. Am I really asking so much?
Apparently.
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Self-Reflection
Tonight the conversation with my husband took a turn, as it has done almost every night for the last month, for the dark.
I have started coming off of my medicine. A personal decision I have made to try to find the right way to keep my brain in a good place. So far, I have done wonderfully. I have had little side effects besides some physical things that I have been able to handle. The anxiety has been manageable. Everything that I've experienced I expected so it's been easier to handle.
Of course, it's still difficult to feel this impending doom of anxiety every night after the sun sets. However, tonight my husband made an observation that he's never made before, and it made me realize how far I've come.
This summer marks 3 years of recovering from a mental breakdown. Some people see mental breakdowns as different things. For me, the mental breakdown came in the form of severe anxiety every single day to the point that I was taking my son to my mother's house because I felt as though I could not properly take care of him.
A lot of outside factors took place in my life that brought me to that point but one thing came out of it; I promised myself I would never let my anxiety rule my life like that again.
My husband, who has been with me for 10 years now, pointed out that since that moment I have changed for the better. He explained it like this: I gave my mental illness a face, I made it a real and tangible thing. He said up until that point I had been trying to close everything off, but in reality I was walling myself into a small space. Once I released that hold anxiety had on me, and gave it this "face" I broke those walls down and started building out. He said to me, that giving anxiety this reality, this face, it could have gone one of two ways. It could have become overwhelming and scary, but it could have made it something I could square off and fight. I went the latter.
All of this, I have done subconsciously. Sure, in my mind I decided all of these things. However, my husband pointed out that since that moment I started speaking out about my anxiety. I put myself on the line and just come out with it. "I have anxiety disorder" It's not something that defines me anymore and I'm not afraid to speak out about it. He told me it's changed me for the better, it's helped me overcome this and it's helped him understand me better, help me more.
I chose to take this turn on my mental illness because 1. I never wanted to be in that place ever again. and 2. I wanted to help anyone else with mental illness in any way I could. Because I've been there, I never tried to commit suicide, I never planned to commit suicide; but I thought about it. I thought about it a lot, actually. For the first time in my life, I thought those horrible things of "the world is better off without me", "my husband and son will find someone better to love them", "my family will move on".
I am fortunate enough to have an enormous support system. I was surrounded by friends and family who loved me. I depended fully on my mother for the first time in 25 years. She had to take care of my son, me, and she even took me to the doctor to tell the doctor what was going on because I couldn't even get over my anxiety enough to explain that I was falling apart inside.
I vowed to myself during that time to change. To get over this awful thing happening inside of me.
I am religious. I'd be lying to you if my religion didn't have a significant part to play in my healing process. I prayed a lot that summer. I fell to my knees, sobbing to my God to save me. To fix me. To give me meaning once again.
He listened.
I woke up the next day and had an epiphany. It was like flood gates opened and suddenly I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I knew what career I wanted and upon discussing it with my husband I was encouraged by hearing "that's a great choice for you--you'd be really good at that". I began to set goals for myself and slowly work towards them. I discovered my dream school and realized I could not afford to go, but it didn't make me feel anxious. At this point, I was fully reliant on God. A week later a job fell into my lap. I wasn't looking, I hadn't even shared with a lot of people that my school situation had become what it was.
Suddenly I found myself working full time, being a mother, and soon following was college full time.
I graduated this spring. I graduated Valedictorian of my class. When I was in high school I barely passed at all.
I did all of these things because I chose to square off to my anxiety.
I did all of these things because the Lord has led me down this path every step of the way. He has been so open with me, clearly leading me down roads when I struggle. Even now, I have had struggling moments and after meditation and prayer His answer becomes very clear to me.
Why write about it? Not to try to tell you to believe in God, but to believe in yourself. God helped me, he gave me the strength to do as much as I have as fast as I have. He also gives me free will. Free will to face my anxiety every day and tell it "not today".
I won't sit here and try to say it was easy. It wasn't easy at all. I have struggled, a lot. I have cried more in the past 3 years than I have my entire life. But I feel better afterwards. I let myself have my moment, I listen to my sad music, I sob, I panic, but I don't let it be the route of my thoughts anymore.
I am a new person, a stronger person.
I'm still scared out of my mind. I still question every decision I make. I often tell myself that I can't do this, this career path was just not for me.
But I'm getting a little closer every day and I've come to far at this point to let it win now.
I have started coming off of my medicine. A personal decision I have made to try to find the right way to keep my brain in a good place. So far, I have done wonderfully. I have had little side effects besides some physical things that I have been able to handle. The anxiety has been manageable. Everything that I've experienced I expected so it's been easier to handle.
Of course, it's still difficult to feel this impending doom of anxiety every night after the sun sets. However, tonight my husband made an observation that he's never made before, and it made me realize how far I've come.
This summer marks 3 years of recovering from a mental breakdown. Some people see mental breakdowns as different things. For me, the mental breakdown came in the form of severe anxiety every single day to the point that I was taking my son to my mother's house because I felt as though I could not properly take care of him.
A lot of outside factors took place in my life that brought me to that point but one thing came out of it; I promised myself I would never let my anxiety rule my life like that again.
My husband, who has been with me for 10 years now, pointed out that since that moment I have changed for the better. He explained it like this: I gave my mental illness a face, I made it a real and tangible thing. He said up until that point I had been trying to close everything off, but in reality I was walling myself into a small space. Once I released that hold anxiety had on me, and gave it this "face" I broke those walls down and started building out. He said to me, that giving anxiety this reality, this face, it could have gone one of two ways. It could have become overwhelming and scary, but it could have made it something I could square off and fight. I went the latter.
All of this, I have done subconsciously. Sure, in my mind I decided all of these things. However, my husband pointed out that since that moment I started speaking out about my anxiety. I put myself on the line and just come out with it. "I have anxiety disorder" It's not something that defines me anymore and I'm not afraid to speak out about it. He told me it's changed me for the better, it's helped me overcome this and it's helped him understand me better, help me more.
I chose to take this turn on my mental illness because 1. I never wanted to be in that place ever again. and 2. I wanted to help anyone else with mental illness in any way I could. Because I've been there, I never tried to commit suicide, I never planned to commit suicide; but I thought about it. I thought about it a lot, actually. For the first time in my life, I thought those horrible things of "the world is better off without me", "my husband and son will find someone better to love them", "my family will move on".
I am fortunate enough to have an enormous support system. I was surrounded by friends and family who loved me. I depended fully on my mother for the first time in 25 years. She had to take care of my son, me, and she even took me to the doctor to tell the doctor what was going on because I couldn't even get over my anxiety enough to explain that I was falling apart inside.
I vowed to myself during that time to change. To get over this awful thing happening inside of me.
I am religious. I'd be lying to you if my religion didn't have a significant part to play in my healing process. I prayed a lot that summer. I fell to my knees, sobbing to my God to save me. To fix me. To give me meaning once again.
He listened.
I woke up the next day and had an epiphany. It was like flood gates opened and suddenly I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I knew what career I wanted and upon discussing it with my husband I was encouraged by hearing "that's a great choice for you--you'd be really good at that". I began to set goals for myself and slowly work towards them. I discovered my dream school and realized I could not afford to go, but it didn't make me feel anxious. At this point, I was fully reliant on God. A week later a job fell into my lap. I wasn't looking, I hadn't even shared with a lot of people that my school situation had become what it was.
Suddenly I found myself working full time, being a mother, and soon following was college full time.
I graduated this spring. I graduated Valedictorian of my class. When I was in high school I barely passed at all.
I did all of these things because I chose to square off to my anxiety.
I did all of these things because the Lord has led me down this path every step of the way. He has been so open with me, clearly leading me down roads when I struggle. Even now, I have had struggling moments and after meditation and prayer His answer becomes very clear to me.
Why write about it? Not to try to tell you to believe in God, but to believe in yourself. God helped me, he gave me the strength to do as much as I have as fast as I have. He also gives me free will. Free will to face my anxiety every day and tell it "not today".
I won't sit here and try to say it was easy. It wasn't easy at all. I have struggled, a lot. I have cried more in the past 3 years than I have my entire life. But I feel better afterwards. I let myself have my moment, I listen to my sad music, I sob, I panic, but I don't let it be the route of my thoughts anymore.
I am a new person, a stronger person.
I'm still scared out of my mind. I still question every decision I make. I often tell myself that I can't do this, this career path was just not for me.
But I'm getting a little closer every day and I've come to far at this point to let it win now.
Friday, March 10, 2017
Two Wrongs Do Not Make A Right
This week the sun came out quite often and so B and I made our way to various playgrounds around the area. Some days were hits, some were misses, but B seemed to enjoy them all.
One day was a particularly busy day for the playground on base, I took him to the busier playground because there were more kids his age. However, I found a lot of the kids were just being nasty to one another.
"Can we play together?"
"No!"
"Can we play together?"
"Sure!" *runs away and doesn't let child keep up*
One kid in particular was very nasty, yanking kids off the slides, asking to play tag and then shoving them with full force to the ground. And he would just watch, waiting for the other kid to cry before running off. I noticed him immediately, but couldn't figure out if a parent or guardian was around. I believe it was a few daycares that were there, and I couldn't defer who belonged to who.
Regardless, I pointed this child out to B and asked him to tell me if the kid asked him to play. I didn't mention why, and B just nodded and ran along. Sure enough, running out of kids to bully the little boy targeted B next. They ran up to the fence I was sitting by and he was staring me down in such a challenging way. I knew immediately we needed to leave. B is submissive to other kids, he doesn't realize he's being bullied or being mistreated he just wants to be a part of the fun. So I took B from the situation to another park. The little girl at this park was also being particularly sassy, "no boys allowed" and all that. However, her mother was present and aware of the situation and took care of it. I chalked it up to a full moon or something in the air.
Then today while I was getting my hair done, K took B to a playground nearby. This was on a base again, in the housing development, so a lot of kids were out playing alone. A little girl a year or two older than B was out and shoved him to the ground so hard he scratched his face up. Once K realized she was being mean (at first he thought B simply tripped) he took B away again. No parent in sight for this little one.
K and I were discussing it, because it upset him that even here stationed overseas these kids are being mistreated or ignored to the point of them becoming little bullies and being mean and nasty to one another.
It's hard to be a parent in these situations. The momma bear in me wants to turn around and shove these kids back as retaliation. My son's face is covered in scratches! I'm upset! But the bigger part of me knows that's now how you react. And even if a parent was there, if that's how their child behaves I can only imagine how it would be to interact with them.
It seems that walking away is usually the best option. I just can't believe it has had to happen so often in such a short period of time.
K asked me, "Why do kids have to be so mean to each other?"
And I countered, look at how adults treat each other. Look at the state of the world we live in.
Luckily, B is okay, and I strive to set an example for him in how to act and respond to those negative things in life. But it's hard for me, a reactor to those things, a hothead, if you will, to be calm.
One day was a particularly busy day for the playground on base, I took him to the busier playground because there were more kids his age. However, I found a lot of the kids were just being nasty to one another.
"Can we play together?"
"No!"
"Can we play together?"
"Sure!" *runs away and doesn't let child keep up*
One kid in particular was very nasty, yanking kids off the slides, asking to play tag and then shoving them with full force to the ground. And he would just watch, waiting for the other kid to cry before running off. I noticed him immediately, but couldn't figure out if a parent or guardian was around. I believe it was a few daycares that were there, and I couldn't defer who belonged to who.
Regardless, I pointed this child out to B and asked him to tell me if the kid asked him to play. I didn't mention why, and B just nodded and ran along. Sure enough, running out of kids to bully the little boy targeted B next. They ran up to the fence I was sitting by and he was staring me down in such a challenging way. I knew immediately we needed to leave. B is submissive to other kids, he doesn't realize he's being bullied or being mistreated he just wants to be a part of the fun. So I took B from the situation to another park. The little girl at this park was also being particularly sassy, "no boys allowed" and all that. However, her mother was present and aware of the situation and took care of it. I chalked it up to a full moon or something in the air.
Then today while I was getting my hair done, K took B to a playground nearby. This was on a base again, in the housing development, so a lot of kids were out playing alone. A little girl a year or two older than B was out and shoved him to the ground so hard he scratched his face up. Once K realized she was being mean (at first he thought B simply tripped) he took B away again. No parent in sight for this little one.
K and I were discussing it, because it upset him that even here stationed overseas these kids are being mistreated or ignored to the point of them becoming little bullies and being mean and nasty to one another.
It's hard to be a parent in these situations. The momma bear in me wants to turn around and shove these kids back as retaliation. My son's face is covered in scratches! I'm upset! But the bigger part of me knows that's now how you react. And even if a parent was there, if that's how their child behaves I can only imagine how it would be to interact with them.
It seems that walking away is usually the best option. I just can't believe it has had to happen so often in such a short period of time.
K asked me, "Why do kids have to be so mean to each other?"
And I countered, look at how adults treat each other. Look at the state of the world we live in.
Luckily, B is okay, and I strive to set an example for him in how to act and respond to those negative things in life. But it's hard for me, a reactor to those things, a hothead, if you will, to be calm.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
B at 4
I just want to document my son as much as I can, to remember who he was and watch who he becomes. I love B more than words, but he impresses me everyday.
B is dominate in the right side of his brain. Meaning he is beyond artistic, thoughtful, and very intuitive. When it comes to the arts he loves all of them. Whether he's telling us a story, drawing/coloring a picture, singing/dancing; it is all something he thoroughly enjoys and does all the time.
He's very smart, and very in tune to those around him. Always full of empathy and does what he can to avoid conflict or resolve it. He witnessed K and I having an argument, it ended in the two of us walking away from the moment and taking a sort of "time out" to clear our minds. I later called K and apologized.
B told me, "Mommy, I'm sorry daddy hurt your feelings, but it was very nice of you to say you're sorry to him." (I made sure he later witnessed that K and I had been able to resolve our argument and loved each other)
Sometimes I forget he's only four, and it's hard to not treat him more as a friend than a son. As weird as that may sound, I just feel like he's my other half. We both understand each other and I often have to remind myself he's young and just a kid, because sometimes you expect him to act like he's more grown when he does quite often.
I just enjoy the heck out of this kid. He's so loving, so sweet and gentle. Although he pushes buttons, and his mouth runs a mile a minute, he's still a very well behaved child. Sometimes I feel guilty, because I feel like I got a wonderful kid and he got a mother who suffers with her mental illnesses quite often.
Nevertheless, I know he knows I love him, and he loves me and K. The three of us have truly had a wonderful time in Japan together. People seem surprised when I tell them how happy I am living there, but truly I am. Despite my depression that swoops in from time to time, living in Japan has been a fantastic adventure that the three of us are all enjoying immensely. It's really great to know we are such a good little family and team. I love my boys so much.
B is dominate in the right side of his brain. Meaning he is beyond artistic, thoughtful, and very intuitive. When it comes to the arts he loves all of them. Whether he's telling us a story, drawing/coloring a picture, singing/dancing; it is all something he thoroughly enjoys and does all the time.
He's very smart, and very in tune to those around him. Always full of empathy and does what he can to avoid conflict or resolve it. He witnessed K and I having an argument, it ended in the two of us walking away from the moment and taking a sort of "time out" to clear our minds. I later called K and apologized.
B told me, "Mommy, I'm sorry daddy hurt your feelings, but it was very nice of you to say you're sorry to him." (I made sure he later witnessed that K and I had been able to resolve our argument and loved each other)
Sometimes I forget he's only four, and it's hard to not treat him more as a friend than a son. As weird as that may sound, I just feel like he's my other half. We both understand each other and I often have to remind myself he's young and just a kid, because sometimes you expect him to act like he's more grown when he does quite often.
I just enjoy the heck out of this kid. He's so loving, so sweet and gentle. Although he pushes buttons, and his mouth runs a mile a minute, he's still a very well behaved child. Sometimes I feel guilty, because I feel like I got a wonderful kid and he got a mother who suffers with her mental illnesses quite often.
Nevertheless, I know he knows I love him, and he loves me and K. The three of us have truly had a wonderful time in Japan together. People seem surprised when I tell them how happy I am living there, but truly I am. Despite my depression that swoops in from time to time, living in Japan has been a fantastic adventure that the three of us are all enjoying immensely. It's really great to know we are such a good little family and team. I love my boys so much.
Friday, November 11, 2016
I'm not like the rest.
I realized early on in my life that I'm different from everyone else. I think differently than most people do, and a lot of my thoughts stay negative. As I've grown older I've grown cynical and tired, I have become less tolerant of people.
This past week has been a test in my faith, my patience, and my anger management. It has been a test in my relationships with people I think dearly of, it has been a test of my relationship with my own country.
A lot of people are awful in this world. Not just America, but this world. Evil lurks in so many crevices and hides there, it festers on our negative thoughts and it jumps at the chance to bring those thoughts to life.
I've brought this up a lot, but when we first moved here a lot of bad things happened involving military members and Japanese civilians and it put a damper on the way Americans were perceived in Japan. It bothered me a lot because I felt injustice to being grouped up with these people who acted like ignorant turds. My husband told me, "We just have to show them that we're not like that."
Those words echo in my mind often, and especially right now. I am a white Christian woman and I feel as though I don't have a lot of say in how other people should feel right now.
I am someone who bleeds positivity. I am the weird flower-child of my family and I know it bothers them that I'm like this. With my mental illness, I truly cannot live in a world of hate and anger, if I did I would be letting my brain win. And by letting my brain win, it means letting it eat me alive until I can't take it anymore. So I truly try hard to be a positive person and share light and love with the people I know and the people I love.
I want to be a good influence to everyone. I want them to know that not only am I someone who is nonjudgemental and loving; I am a representation of Christ's love for me. I am like this because of the Lord. I take no credit for being this way without Him.
However, this isn't about religion. It's not about what you are, who you are, who you love, etc. This is about respect. Respecting another person shouldn't be so difficult. It has nothing to do with a race, religion or sexual preference. Respecting another person is basic human decency.
I have so much anger in the state of our country right now. I hurt because people are still so backwards and spreading so much hate towards each other. Anyone close to me knows I can be angry and hateful, but I just cannot imagine acting out that way towards someone else. I cannot imagine being so awful to another person because they think or look differently then me.
I don't have a point to this, I guess I just needed to remind myself to prove I am not like that. It just got a lot harder to prove that I am not a representation of some of the people in my country, but I will continue to do so. I will continue to fight for what I believe is right, and I will continue to stand up for those who are put down for fighting for those beliefs.
A country divided is not going to grow, it's not going to get better, it's not going to overcome this. Be angry, be upset, get it out. Because that's a healthy way of dealing with your emotion. But then move forward, figure out proper ways to fight our government. Posting on social media your ignorant ideas and thoughts doesn't do anything but anger others. Write to your congressman, vote in the upcoming elections, and properly educate yourself on real facts. Don't be a sheep, by fighting with one another you're only doing what the media and government has set up for you to do. Break the pattern, fight back, and spread love.
Prove to them you're not like the others.
"Only in the darkness can you see the stars." -Martin Luther King Jr.
This past week has been a test in my faith, my patience, and my anger management. It has been a test in my relationships with people I think dearly of, it has been a test of my relationship with my own country.
A lot of people are awful in this world. Not just America, but this world. Evil lurks in so many crevices and hides there, it festers on our negative thoughts and it jumps at the chance to bring those thoughts to life.
I've brought this up a lot, but when we first moved here a lot of bad things happened involving military members and Japanese civilians and it put a damper on the way Americans were perceived in Japan. It bothered me a lot because I felt injustice to being grouped up with these people who acted like ignorant turds. My husband told me, "We just have to show them that we're not like that."
Those words echo in my mind often, and especially right now. I am a white Christian woman and I feel as though I don't have a lot of say in how other people should feel right now.
I am someone who bleeds positivity. I am the weird flower-child of my family and I know it bothers them that I'm like this. With my mental illness, I truly cannot live in a world of hate and anger, if I did I would be letting my brain win. And by letting my brain win, it means letting it eat me alive until I can't take it anymore. So I truly try hard to be a positive person and share light and love with the people I know and the people I love.
I want to be a good influence to everyone. I want them to know that not only am I someone who is nonjudgemental and loving; I am a representation of Christ's love for me. I am like this because of the Lord. I take no credit for being this way without Him.
However, this isn't about religion. It's not about what you are, who you are, who you love, etc. This is about respect. Respecting another person shouldn't be so difficult. It has nothing to do with a race, religion or sexual preference. Respecting another person is basic human decency.
I have so much anger in the state of our country right now. I hurt because people are still so backwards and spreading so much hate towards each other. Anyone close to me knows I can be angry and hateful, but I just cannot imagine acting out that way towards someone else. I cannot imagine being so awful to another person because they think or look differently then me.
I don't have a point to this, I guess I just needed to remind myself to prove I am not like that. It just got a lot harder to prove that I am not a representation of some of the people in my country, but I will continue to do so. I will continue to fight for what I believe is right, and I will continue to stand up for those who are put down for fighting for those beliefs.
A country divided is not going to grow, it's not going to get better, it's not going to overcome this. Be angry, be upset, get it out. Because that's a healthy way of dealing with your emotion. But then move forward, figure out proper ways to fight our government. Posting on social media your ignorant ideas and thoughts doesn't do anything but anger others. Write to your congressman, vote in the upcoming elections, and properly educate yourself on real facts. Don't be a sheep, by fighting with one another you're only doing what the media and government has set up for you to do. Break the pattern, fight back, and spread love.
Prove to them you're not like the others.
"Only in the darkness can you see the stars." -Martin Luther King Jr.
Thursday, November 3, 2016
Who is pulling the strings?
I have a lot of conflicting emotions going on inside of me and when I get like this I get to the point where I begin to wonder what is normal worries and anxieties, and what has my brain warped into worries and anxieties. It starts with one thought and it's like a spiral out of control and I don't know how to articulate it into something comprehendible.
I feel sometimes like my brain is so messed up and takes my thoughts to levels and places that I could never even write down. I could never even speak. Because of my mental illness everything gets pushed into this other place inside of me where I get swallowed up by darkness and I have to claw my way out of it.
I try so hard to keep my heart and mind open to the Lord. To listen to Him speak to me and guide me through my emotions and thoughts. But sometimes I wonder what is the Lord and what is evil? Am I taking something evil is planting inside of me and contorting it to be from God? How do I know the difference if Satan keeps them subtle enough to make me question everything?
I speak out about my mental illness, despite how uncomfortable it makes a lot of people because I want to be a beacon of hope for at least one person. If I can push through this and stand through this then so can someone else. But it doesn't mean I don't see the looks, hear the talks of how it's not something that exists. I know I'm crazy, and I hate it. I saw a post once that said when we say we hate ourselves God gets sad because He created us.
I don't hate God, and I don't hate what he made me. I get upset because I have a brain that doesn't work like everyone else. I get upset because I question everything I do and say and wonder if that's how a "normal" person responds. I get upset because I am almost certain I will need to rely on medication to feel remotely okay for the rest of my life. I get upset because my son has to grow up with a mother who is sick. A mother who can't take care of him sometimes because of that sickness. I know without my son I would probably not be here. I know God put him in my life to keep me strong, but I often wonder if that will later burden him to know that?
This leads into the spiral of me hating myself. And I do...I sometimes wonder why God couldn't make me like everyone else.
I wish I could convey my thoughts more clearly. I wish I could sit down with someone and tell them everything I'm thinking and them not look at me with that "look". The one that says they don't get it. Not at all.
I wish I didn't have to feel like this all the time. I get tired. Every day I wake up and fight these demons and it's exhausting. The closer I get to the Lord, the more demons I fight.
I'm not unhappy, I'm not depressed, and I'm not even anxious. I think I'm just confused about some of the directions I am headed and I am getting mixed signals. I need to hear the Lord's answer and know that evil isn't mixing it up.
Devotions tell you to turn to prayer, that God is there ready to speak to you. But they don't tell you how to fight off evil. How to hear God over evil's remarks. It's not always black and white and I don't know how to manage the grey.
I feel sometimes like my brain is so messed up and takes my thoughts to levels and places that I could never even write down. I could never even speak. Because of my mental illness everything gets pushed into this other place inside of me where I get swallowed up by darkness and I have to claw my way out of it.
I try so hard to keep my heart and mind open to the Lord. To listen to Him speak to me and guide me through my emotions and thoughts. But sometimes I wonder what is the Lord and what is evil? Am I taking something evil is planting inside of me and contorting it to be from God? How do I know the difference if Satan keeps them subtle enough to make me question everything?
I speak out about my mental illness, despite how uncomfortable it makes a lot of people because I want to be a beacon of hope for at least one person. If I can push through this and stand through this then so can someone else. But it doesn't mean I don't see the looks, hear the talks of how it's not something that exists. I know I'm crazy, and I hate it. I saw a post once that said when we say we hate ourselves God gets sad because He created us.
I don't hate God, and I don't hate what he made me. I get upset because I have a brain that doesn't work like everyone else. I get upset because I question everything I do and say and wonder if that's how a "normal" person responds. I get upset because I am almost certain I will need to rely on medication to feel remotely okay for the rest of my life. I get upset because my son has to grow up with a mother who is sick. A mother who can't take care of him sometimes because of that sickness. I know without my son I would probably not be here. I know God put him in my life to keep me strong, but I often wonder if that will later burden him to know that?
This leads into the spiral of me hating myself. And I do...I sometimes wonder why God couldn't make me like everyone else.
I wish I could convey my thoughts more clearly. I wish I could sit down with someone and tell them everything I'm thinking and them not look at me with that "look". The one that says they don't get it. Not at all.
I wish I didn't have to feel like this all the time. I get tired. Every day I wake up and fight these demons and it's exhausting. The closer I get to the Lord, the more demons I fight.
I'm not unhappy, I'm not depressed, and I'm not even anxious. I think I'm just confused about some of the directions I am headed and I am getting mixed signals. I need to hear the Lord's answer and know that evil isn't mixing it up.
Devotions tell you to turn to prayer, that God is there ready to speak to you. But they don't tell you how to fight off evil. How to hear God over evil's remarks. It's not always black and white and I don't know how to manage the grey.
Friday, October 14, 2016
Fight Club
Sometimes I feel like my life would be easier if I could just meet Satan in the pit and punch the bastard in the face.
I'm such a confrontational person, and this isn't something I'm proud of. Satan knows how to get to us best, and in my case it's through my mental illness. A bad day for a normal brain can usually be cleared up with some chocolate, a good sleep, a long bath, etc. For me it's a spiral into depression that I have to literally pull myself out of and it takes it's toll, physically and emotionally.
It's so much easier to give in, to sleep all day, to cry about hating everything, to cry about hating myself, to feel bad about myself.
But I'm not that person anymore. I've been doing so well, and I'm better at pulling myself out of these fogs, but it doesn't keep that SOB from trying anyway. When I pulled myself out of that terrible place 2 years ago, I used to visually imagining myself hitting Satan in the face with every thing I did for myself.
Wake up, hit him.
Take a shower, hit him.
Make myself eat something, hit him.
Get in the car and drive to the sanctuary that was my mother's house, watch him fall.
Now that my shields are stronger, my heart is stronger, my mind is stronger, it's a lot harder for him to get in. I'm short tempered, and I'm stubborn. I'm not the kind of person people want to make angry. So it drives me nuts, when I feel these fogs coming in, and as much as I try to stop it my brain is sick, and it can only do so much. And I know it's him. I know it's evil. And the confrontational side of me is screaming at him to come see me in person and fight me like evil should instead of lurking in the shadows of my mind.
Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. But I have long since decided my mental illness no longer defines who I am or what I do. I am a firm believer that you can take charge of your life and pull yourself up and do something. I'm living proof of that. It doesn't come easily, and I thank the Lord for my provisions. He gave me the tools, but I did the effort. I decided to stop crying every day. I decided to stop living in a constant state of anxiety. I went out and got the help I needed spiritually and mentally.
I hate that I have to rely on medication, but that's something I know I can come to terms with too.
I'm not the weak person I was 2 years ago. And even though the fog comes in sometimes, it always clears.
If nothing else, I hope that my life will help others see that they too can overcome anything. I truly believe this. I wouldn't be where I am in life if I didn't.
Go after your dreams, whether it's overcoming a mental illness or doing something in life, do it. Evil can't stop you.
I'm such a confrontational person, and this isn't something I'm proud of. Satan knows how to get to us best, and in my case it's through my mental illness. A bad day for a normal brain can usually be cleared up with some chocolate, a good sleep, a long bath, etc. For me it's a spiral into depression that I have to literally pull myself out of and it takes it's toll, physically and emotionally.
It's so much easier to give in, to sleep all day, to cry about hating everything, to cry about hating myself, to feel bad about myself.
But I'm not that person anymore. I've been doing so well, and I'm better at pulling myself out of these fogs, but it doesn't keep that SOB from trying anyway. When I pulled myself out of that terrible place 2 years ago, I used to visually imagining myself hitting Satan in the face with every thing I did for myself.
Wake up, hit him.
Take a shower, hit him.
Make myself eat something, hit him.
Get in the car and drive to the sanctuary that was my mother's house, watch him fall.
Now that my shields are stronger, my heart is stronger, my mind is stronger, it's a lot harder for him to get in. I'm short tempered, and I'm stubborn. I'm not the kind of person people want to make angry. So it drives me nuts, when I feel these fogs coming in, and as much as I try to stop it my brain is sick, and it can only do so much. And I know it's him. I know it's evil. And the confrontational side of me is screaming at him to come see me in person and fight me like evil should instead of lurking in the shadows of my mind.
Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. But I have long since decided my mental illness no longer defines who I am or what I do. I am a firm believer that you can take charge of your life and pull yourself up and do something. I'm living proof of that. It doesn't come easily, and I thank the Lord for my provisions. He gave me the tools, but I did the effort. I decided to stop crying every day. I decided to stop living in a constant state of anxiety. I went out and got the help I needed spiritually and mentally.
I hate that I have to rely on medication, but that's something I know I can come to terms with too.
I'm not the weak person I was 2 years ago. And even though the fog comes in sometimes, it always clears.
If nothing else, I hope that my life will help others see that they too can overcome anything. I truly believe this. I wouldn't be where I am in life if I didn't.
Go after your dreams, whether it's overcoming a mental illness or doing something in life, do it. Evil can't stop you.
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