Wont You Be My Neighbor?

K recently told me that there is a show on Netflix that B has been very interested in, and it was a PBS show so we were both happy. I didn't put much thought into it until I watched a show start from finish one day. The show I am talking about is Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. I PBS spin-off of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood and his make believe land that the trolley would visit. I was immediately thrown back into my own toddler self. Mr. Roger's was my main man for a while. I loved watching him go explore different things, I loved his fish tank, his sweaters always made me happy that they matched his shoes, and make believe land was a fun trip. Daniel Tiger lives in make believe land, the king is there and everything! I couldn't believe it! In the specific episode I watched, he went to the post office with his mom and there was a cartoon version of the mail man who always visited Mr. Rogers! I was immediately excited about this being B's new favorite show (seriously every time he turns on Netflix he turns it on). One episode he watched yesterday was about anger and how to calm down from getting angry about something. Little B has a bad temper, so I was very glad to see a show like this existed. I appreciate Disney Junior and every show on it; I feel like there are lessons in each show. However, where Disney Junior seems to offer more scholastic lessons, Daniel Tiger seems to offer more emotional lessons. Exploring how kids feel when they lose a favorite toy, when their parents leave them for a bit, and when they get upset about something. They explore those feelings and they do not discredit them, but encourage kids to work through them. I really appreciated the show's meanings. Anyway, I was more excited about hearing that familiar tune at the beginning of the episode and watching Daniel put on a sweater and riding the trolley. What a cool idea for a television show! And now my little B gets to grow up watching something so familiar to my own favorite! On an unrelated note, B has begun talking a bit more! We are watching a friend's little one who talks quite a bit and has been for awhile. I had always hoped while watching her, that B would pick up on some words. Well, this morning it was like the switch turned on. "Oh, she's actually communicating to mom and dad. Not just saying nonsense like me." Suddenly he threw out the words, "yay", "bye", and "wa wa". Such a big step from the one and only "ball" we have been hanging on to for months now. Don't get me wrong, B will talk your ear off! Unfortunately, he speaks his own language. I cannot believe I will soon be able to communicate with him like two normal human beings! The more he grows, the more in awe I am at the fast developments of children. They learn SO much in such a short amount of time and they learn it from us! How cool is that? I cannot believe my little baby is a little boy and continuing to grow! I don't think I will ever get over it! I will be the embarrassing mom at his graduation saying how just yesterday he was in diapers! I'm okay with that.

P is for Positive

I saw this picture on Pinterest today and I thought again of how I truly believe in being in charge of my own happiness. So I wanted to share this to remind myself and others of this quote. Sometimes hormones get involved, or your day just plain sucks. That doesn't mean you don't have the ability to change it! Little man is turning 2 in almost 1 months! (ACK!) And he is ACTING LIKE IT!! Every day he becomes more of a terror. He cries and becomes angry ALL THE TIME!! FOR NO REASON!! It can be so hard to deal with! Especially as I am dealing with my own emotions while lowering my medication levels. I have had to take a couple of steps back some days and really center myself and re-focus my energy on why he is upset. I find new things to do, or I simply go walk around Target for a half hour to give him a new environment. Today was a beautiful day outside! We were able to go to the park and play and use energy that way! It was wonderful! I am trying to stay positive about the weather forecast for Tuesday. Snow. Again. The cold ALWAYS bothered me, anyway. So this weekend go outside, enjoy the beautiful weather, and be positive! Your entire being influences the people around you. A smile can change a life.

Mom Life

I think I could literally post every day about how much I love to be a mom. Even on my worst days, when B looks at me and smiles or picks his nose; I am filled with so much love for him. K and I have been discussing when we would like to have another baby. Obviously, both of us want one right now, but we are trying to be smart financially in order to give our kids a more secure home. I wont say when we have decided to start trying, but I do look forward to our future. I hope that God's plans work with ours. I am very ready to move on into the next chapter of our lives. I call it my "big girl" life. I want my "big girl" house with my two babies (maybe 3 if I can convince K!). I want to have parties in my back yard because it's big enough to do that. A driveway and front yard that my kids can actually play in. Unfortunately, we have some more time to wait for that. Until then, I am determined to remain humble. I have a blessed life with a wonderful little boy who I am enjoying very much! He learns and grows so much on a daily basis and it is so amazing to watch. I am also blessed to have met some amazing moms in my path. I will soon be reading a book and starting a discussion with some of them to help and encourage each other as we enter some of our more challenging motherhood years. "Terrible Toddler" time I like to call it. There isn't really a certain age where it hits, I think it's a whole period of time we have to work through and it's nice to have some other moms to back me up. Mom's need to be more encouraging to each other. It amazes me that mom's judge other mom's so harshly. Not everyone can breast feed, make their own food, cloth diaper, etc. There's a million ways to mother, and I am not sure there is one "right" way. We all have one goal in mind; to raise our kids to the best of our ability. So why put down someone who already works hard enough? About a month ago B threw up in the middle of Olive Garden. Literally as I picked him up to rush him to the bathroom, he puked everywhere. I rushed him to the bathroom where he threw up ALL OVER the bathroom door. When we finally reached a toilet, he was finished. I cleaned him up, took off his shirt and my jacket and took him back to the table. I quickly gathered our things, put his own *clean* jacket on him and rushed out of the restaurant to get my poor baby home. As I was leaving I noticed a mom in the booth across from my table. She gave me that apologetic smile that said "this has happened to me, I support you". I needed that smile. I needed to know someone had been there and made it out alive. Even though I knew there was nothing wrong with the situation, I was still a bit embarrassed to have to tell the manager my son's puke was all over her bathroom door. Having that mom give me an encouraging smile really helped me feel a little better. I want to be that mom. I am not saying I am perfect, I have made comments and passed judgement that I wish I hadn't. I am new at this and I am learning. I am trying to make a point to learn from other mom's not act like I am the best one out there. We aren't always going to agree with how someone is raising their kid, it's human nature I think. That doesn't mean anyone is wrong and anyone is right. It means they are just a little different. Anyway, as I love my baby boy and stay home with him to raise him to the best of my ability, I am going to try very hard to be a more positive mother. Positive towards other moms I see and positive towards B. I want me encouraging smile to make another mom feel better. I never want to be the nasty look that makes her feel worse. Disclaimer; obviously there are unfortunate cases of people who do not belong to the "mom" club. There are sadly abusers out there in many different definitions of the word, who have children and raise them in a poor environment. And sadly they probably don't feel that love for their babies like some other mom's do. If you see a child that you think is being abused. Really abused, not just a spanking for being bad or a talking to after a long day. You need to report this person. Child abuse is a serious crime and still a problem in today's society.

Book Worm

My little man is quite the avid reader. He will pull book after book off of the book case if you keep offering to read them to him. He has always been this way, since he could touch a book. He is the same with movies. If he is upset or bored, I will turn on a movie and BOOM instant gratification from him. He loves Disney and almost any Disney movie will please him. He absolutely loves Brave and Hercules. A recent favorite has become Robin Hood; which was my favorite growing up so that makes me happy. His current favorite books are "Animal Strike at the Zoo" and "Star Wars 123" which speaks highly of his interests right now. I decided recently on a Zoo theme for his birthday party this year because he absolutely loves animals. He has many animal books that he will go to over and over and he is particularly fond of giraffes and elephants. I'm really excited because he also LOVES to play with balls and I found Zoo themed beach balls! Anyway, these are his two favorite books...

Another thing B is huge on is music. This kid tries to play "drums" and taps his hands on things, claps to the beat of the music, and dances. He dances and sings along to everything. He would match our pitch almost perfectly at 18 months and he now will finish singing some of his favorite songs if we sing the beginning lines. It astounds just how musically talented he is already at such a young age. I often see him growing up to be the next teen pop star. I don't know if that's something I'd want for him, but if he's that talented then why not? I definitely want to keep encouraging him with his love for music to see where it takes him. He literally has his own playlist on my youtube of his favorite songs and videos and will watch them all on repeat. One of his favorite songs is Ollie Murrs "Heart Skips a Beat". If you have never heard it before I highly recommend you go look it up. Tell me it's not worth it? It will be interesting to see where these random interests and talents take my kid. I can't wait to look back on this post a few years from now and compare where he is.

Mother Son Date Night

What a day. B woke up this morning, happy and chatty as can be! However, when I walked into his room I saw that he and his bedding were covered in poop. Unfortunately through the night B fills his diaper with pee. Pee+A LOT of poop= enormous mess. It was the kind of mess that ended up with PJ's in the trash and B straight into the shower. These are definitely the less fun moments of motherhood that you just have to laugh at. What a way to start my week, full of more poop! B and I had plans to go to our local Chic Fil A for a mother/son date night that they were hosting. I had made reservations a couple of weeks ago and was looking forward the evening with him. He loves Chic Fil A so I was excited that it was a place he actually liked. He decided to not nap today, so I am pleasantly happy to say that dinner went well. It was a cute little set up they had of a 50's diner. We got ice cream afterward and headed home. At home we got into PJ's and B got a second wind. He has been running around the house screaming and playing as if I fed him sugar straight from the packet. Luckily, K is being amazing and took him downstairs to hang out for the last hour of the evening before bed time. Hopefully no nap B will be nice and tired in about 40 minutes! Recently found out that Disney on Ice is in DC right now! I was unaware that it was coming near us! Me and Tina are looking into tickets to take B with us. He still gets in for free and I think he would truly enjoy it. We found front row tickets for only $100 and we have been debating whether or not to get those and have a real treat this weekend. We will see what happens!

Bye Bye Baby

I'm sure I have touched on this before, but it just astounds me how much B has grown in the last few months. I am officially putting away 24 month clothes as he wears them and they barely cover is little belly, and pulling out the 2T; official toddler status. It's amazing because it truly just happens in a blink of an eye. Boom. Bye bye baby, hello toddler! They just look at you one day and ask for food and you show them some options and they choose one and run along there way. You realize, "Oh my gosh, I just had a semi-intelligent conversation with my toddler." B is famous for Sunday morning melt downs. This kid will run away from me in a crowded public place and care less that he has "lost" me in the crowd. Try to leave him in nursery on Sunday? Hah. He is hysterical until K or I stop singing and go grab him from the poor (and now deaf) nursery worker. Even the moms who he knows and have watched him before outside of church will have to suffer through his cries. Well, two Sundays ago we were sitting in church and he had been doing just fine. We were by ourselves this day as it was one of the Sundays K was home sick (January has been a sickly month for this house). About the time pastor started his sermon B decided he was over sitting quietly with me. I walked him over to the nursery door and explained his options to him. "You can sit quietly in church with mama or you can go into nursery and play with your friends. Would you like to play in the nursery?" "Ah." He responded and grabbed the handle. ("Ah" is yes in B language for future reference)I opened the door and expected the normal fight, but it never came. The nursery worker smiled and asked his name (she was new) and he strolled right inside. She offered to read him a book (his favorite past time next to movie watching) and he was sold. I sat by myself in church and listened to the sermon and never heard a peep from my boy. I couldn't help but sneak a text to my husband and let him know the accomplishment! "He's getting to be a big boy now." K responded. I simply sent him a crying emoji in return, I was not ready for this. Again today, it came time for me to go sit with the choir to sing. K, once again sick, was home and it was just me and B. He was with one of his favorite nursery workers. "Okay, I am going to go sing now. Do you want to keep reading with Z in here?" "Ah." He responded, not even looking up from the book in the little toddler chair he sat in. I walked in to the church and sat down, expecting to hear cries at any time. They never came. He played quietly until I returned (it was my Sunday for nursery duty as well). He's learning more and more each day and surprising me with every bit of it. If he sees the Petco sign he starts pointing and saying "Meow" because he knows we stop in sometimes to visit the kitties that are inside. He told me he was hot in the car one sunny afternoon while we were out running errands. I took his coat off, and he was pleasant for the rest of the trip. But with this new toddler independence comes new appreciation for those loving and tender moments. When he wakes up from his nap and just rests his head on my shoulder for awhile. Or when he stops in the middle of playing and jumps into my lap and wants a kiss. His smiles and laughter all mean so much more because so much more thought is behind them. He understands so much more so it means he knows what he's laughing at or that he specifically wants a hug from mom in that moment. Those are the times where my heart literally melts with love. Although watching him grow up is hard, and helping him learn his boundaries can be even harder; it is the most rewarding experience in the world. I am so proud of that kid my heart could just explode. Even when he decides to have a temper tantrum in the middle of Target and lay completely down on the floor while screaming as other mothers walk past with a knowing smile. I don't even mind those times. Because one day he is going to stop needing me, and then he'll be grown and leaving me. I dread those days. I relish in these days. I don't want to forget them.

The Thing About Depression...

Despite my want of a more light-hearted and fun blog, I feel it necessary to touch on this subject; as I have been suffering all week. Depression, in my opinion, cannot really be defined. It can, however, be taken more seriously by more people. Let's face it, everyone feels depressed sometimes! Your brain takes longer to heal over some things then others and that's okay! But because everyone deals with this, it makes it more of a "Well here, just take this" kind of disease then a real life medical problem. I inserted a picture of a comparison of two brains. I saw it the other day and it really struck me how it is something real.

I would not say I have suffered from depression for my entire life, but I have suffered from anxiety. It was one of those things I suffered with as a young child that went away for a random period of time until I hit puberty and it came flooding back. It wasn't until I was 22 years old that I actually decided to talk to someone about it. I had just brought in my new puppy and my parents were out of town that weekend. The first night I had the pup she woke me up in the middle of the night crying and as I let her outside I too started crying. "What was I thinking?" "I can't raise an animal!" "My anxiety is giving her anxiety!" "How can I take care of this tiny life?" "If I don't train her right I will ruin her life!" Doesn't this all sound ridiculous? But it's real. It's real fear that is running through my head. I had a panic attack. I couldn't stop shaking and I couldn't breath, I just kept staring at the puppy giving me her big sad eyes and I would get worse. The next night I decided to spend more time with my husband (then fiance). As the night was coming to an end of the night, I couldn't help but start feeling that anxiety all over again. I couldn't handle being alone with this dog. I walked into K's room in panic. It was the first time I think he saw a true panic attack and realized that all of my worries and anxieties were real. I sat down next to him and started to have another panic attack. He stared at me in shock as he held my puppy, but soon he was in action. He helped me calm down and has always been the person I rely on the most when my anxiety happens even to this day. Some how he can rationalize my crazed thoughts and find solutions for me. He helped me realize I needed to talk to a doctor about this ridiculous anxiety and consider medication. I have been on medicine ever since. I am now 25 and I still have times when needing to medicated truly bothers me. And why should it? I have a legitimate problem and disease. You don't look down on people who are diagnosed with things like cancer or diabetes, so why should people with mental problems be looked down upon? I have been living with a chemical imbalance in my brain. The medicine fixes that. The only time I have been off of my medication was when I got pregnant. And I did okay, normal hormonal stuff I felt like was happening, but nothing too terrible. I had a couple of panic attacks, but I was about to be a MOM it was a big deal and I was nervous! I had a panic attack after having B, but really did just fine adjusting to life as a new mom after him. It wasn't until he stopped breast feeding that the post partum started, and I believe I have told that tale before. Even now, as I am on new medication for my new symptoms I have days where I just feel like shit (to put it bluntly). The worse days are rainy days. I wake up and I feel like the dark clouds made their way into my head, things that normally interest me don't. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and avoid people. I usually have to force myself out of the house and doing things that I know will make me feel better. Sure enough, I am usual grateful to myself for getting out and being social. And even more truthfully is how my B has saved me. You may think, "No interests? How can you even be a mother?" But B has never been a cause of my depression and he is the reason I make sure he is never ever affected by it. I want to be the best mother to that little boy that I can be and I can't do that and be depressed. So I suck it up, put on my tough girl helmet and show that gorgeous kid my biggest smile. Because that's what he deserves, the best of me. And usually I don't have to keep trying so hard after awhile because it's a natural endorphin for me to be with him. I really wasn't headed anywhere in particular before I got pregnant with B. I didn't know how being a mother would work for me, but I never expected to love it like I do. That kid is my life, my everything. He makes me happy every single day and it is so fulfilling to raise him. I don't know where I would be, or even if I would be if it wasn't for him. So yeah, I still have my bad days, but then I force myself to have some quality "me" time and I reflect on myself and think of all of these things and it usually helps perk me up some. I guess I don't have much of a point, but I do encourage everyone to realize that things like depression and post partum are very real and very scary. I am good at faking it and keeping a smile on my face, but I have had years of practice and an amazing partner who lets me take that "me" time when I need it. He is another thing keeping me going. He has always tried to understand no matter how confusing or upset I am. Life would be nothing without my boys.

Road Tripping!

Today we embarked on our journey to Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando, FL! I have been BEYOND excited for this trip. There is a 6 year old girl inside of me ready to scream and pee herself when we see those giant Mickey ears. 

We are so blessed to have my Aunt and Uncle help us with this trip. More than we deserve! They travel down every year and so, as veterans, they are hooking us up with a lot of great stops and reservations. They also got us upgraded to tree house bungalows outside of Animal Kingdom--we are staying fabulous on this trip! 

So yes, we took the brave (and cheapest) route down; driving. From our home to Orlando averages 12-14 hours driving time, and we have B with us! 

As day 1 is coming to a close I feel so proud of my little 18 month old. Stuck in his yucky car seat for almost 10 hours today he only cried about 30 minutes. No break downs, as long as the iPad was playing a movie we seemed to be under control. I packed a zipper tote full of toys new and old and I didn't have to pull out any "big guns" so far! This will be the hardest trip of the entire journey. On the way home we are more evenly split and we have more time to stop and stretch. I chose to leave around nap time today and B chose this day not to nap. I can't lie, I was concerned, but man was he a trooper! And as a result he passed out around 8:30 and has been snoozing soundly ever since. Hopefully when we get to the hotel he will transfer smoothly.

We are stopping in Savannah, GA. I have been once before, but as K and I were chatting I thought to myself, "why not stop and see some sights?" We wanted to take our time getting back on the road tomorrow so that we were not throwing B directly back into the car seat. I don't want to over use his patience with us, even if it is just 4 hours. So we were tossing ideas out about what we could do and I remember my family and I ate at Paula Deen's Lady and Sons restaurant on our previous visit. So I googled it and sure enough they just changed it so that you can make reservations for small parties online and they had times available! So we are going to spend the morning in downtown Savannah, maybe walk the river walk, and just enjoy a new family spot to mark on our maps! 

This week is going to be one to remember and I'm going to try very hard to document as much as I can, so that I can look back on this and relish in the memories! 

One Year Later

When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. John 16:21 It's taken some time, but I finally have enough time to sit down and type up a one year blog for B's first birthday. It's funny because everyone says "It goes so fast!", "Don't blink!", and I really took these things to heart over the last year. There were so many times that I would think to myself, "soak this in, Sam, he wont be this little forever." and yet here I am a year later with him; my new toddler boy. It really didn't start hitting me until a couple of months ago when K and I noticed his looks changing quite a bit. He began losing a lot of the baby looks and was beginning to look like a little boy. It's so unfair that you get such a short time with them as infants. Barely a year goes by before they are grown right before your eyes and learning new tricks and words every day. I have only had one sad moment of his growth this entire year. It took about a week of it, but after a few days I realized he had outgrown falling asleep on my lap. He would fuss or even just wind down and I knew he was ready for bed. I'd lay him down and without a sound, he would lay down and go to sleep. I walked into my bedroom and laid on my husband's lap and cried. That was a defining moment for me, because he had never been able to go to bed without falling asleep on our laps first. It was something I was so concerned about, yet adored because it was ultimate snuggle time. Now he just goes right to bed, even for naps now. Don't get me wrong, I am a very lucky mother and I do NOT take this for granted!! It was just the moment that I realized he wasn't my baby anymore. He was my little boy. This year has been such a learning experience for me on so many different levels beyond motherhood. Bringing B into our lives has altered myself and K's marriage drastically, it has altered my entire way and views on life. I expected the changes, but not quite as much! However, through all of my new learning experience B is a light, a joy, and the biggest blessing I have ever experienced. Motherhood is something I did not expect to come so naturally to me. I was never a kid person, but I always wanted my own. B is perfect for me in every way, he's like my best friend. We understand each other and he helps me grow more than I help him most days. God gave me an angel when he blessed me with B as my first born. That kid is so sweet-natured, so easy going. I really have no complaints on anything in his life. He has never given me a hard time, and even today with his little attitude growing; it's nothing too terrible. I call this year the biggest blessing of my entire life. I never knew that someone could make me so happy and make me feel such an enormous amount of love. I am so blessed to have my little boy and I am looking forward to watching him grow and learn for as many years as God will give me. I love him so dearly, he is my everything. Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. Psalm 127:3

Tis the Season...to hit deer and total your freaking car.

So I am just here to update you on my life as I do every so often for those who care and wonder where the hell I've been. Tis the season to be busy. Not only have I been planning, decorating, and wrapping for Christmas; but my car was totaled a week ago. Yes, the CRV which was my grandmother's car that was given to us a few months after she passed. I really didn't expect that to happen so it came as a huge shock and I was beyond upset. I was actually hysterical and probably would have had a panic attack except I am on medication and it somehow kept me sort of calm. Anyway, we spent the week looking for a new car (we had been borrowing my old car, the Yaris from my sister-in-law because she's amazing) and the day we decided to buckle down and make a decision my dad came over and offered us his 2003 Corolla. He said he was saving it for my sister who will be driving in a couple of years so it really was just sitting in our driveway. Well, that was such a blessing and we told him we would give it back in two years and find something else for ourselves. And as for now, we are trying to sell my husband's car. A 2004 Chrysler Crossfire. Only 58,000 miles for $11,000. If we can manage to sell that before Christmas we will be able to buy a brand new SUV for ourselves. Next week I will be going to my Pop's house to put up his tree for him. I have mixed emotions about this because it's the first Christmas without my grandmother and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know I have days where I miss her so much I feel like I cannot even breath. And then there are days where I feel her everywhere around me, watching me, loving me; and I know it'll all be okay. I just continue praying and knowing that one day I can see her and hug her again. But damn, I miss her so much. Anyway, B met Santa for the first time Saturday! It was so cute and he took an amazing picture! (It's on my blog somewhere) And I am sending out our family's first Christmas cards tomorrow! Also very exciting for me! I love this time of year so much!

Perfect

B is at the perfect age right now. He's wiggling and scooting around, pretty soon he'll be sitting up on his own. I really want to cherish this first year with him because it will probably the easiest year of parenting. It's about us exploring each other and everything he learns is fun. Once he starts walking and talking, I feel like that's when the trouble will start. Anyway, I know I'll miss this time 15 years from now as I teach him how to drive and he's a mean old teenager. I know it will be hard and im looking forward to this first year and soaking up every joyful day I have with him. He's such a blessing.

Journalling or Blogging?

After the baby was born I began to juggle journalling in an actual journal I keep on my nightstand and blogging on here. It's obvious which one gets the most attention, I think. I just completed the first journal for B. He's 2 and a half months old right now and I could not be more excited about his life. It's so amazing and fun to watch him learn, grow, and discover the world around him. I just set up one of those little floor mat gyms and he's laying on it going nuts. Back to my point. I began to journal to him, talking to him as I wrote about us learning each other every day. If I don't have something to write I decided to put down a memory instead. A memory of my life, my grandmother, or my husband. Things that I, unfortunately, will not always remember but I want him to know about. So here I am, a full journal already completed for him to put in his keepsake box and give him when I feel he is ready. I've been completely honest while journalling to him, not keeping out my hard points of life. He should know everything we went through together as a family; the good and the bad. I've thought about what I will do if I have more children. I've decided to type up this first journal to B and keep it as a word document on my computer. So then my other children can have these memories I am writing down and know more about my life if they want. The second reason is because, let's face it, my handwriting is not perfect and the pages and ink will eventually fade. I'll be doing everyone a favor by having it typed up for them. Now I just have to actually sit down and do it. I also want to copy these blogs and keep them in a Word Document as well because I don't know if this website will always exist and I have some pretty important moments of my life kept on here. I got married, pregnant, and gave birth on this blog and I plan on raising my children with it as well. I love to write so I guess this kind of stuff just comes easy to me. I want to take the time and journal to my other children as well, even if it means sacrificing some sleep to do so. I want them to be able to look back and have these memories when I pass and be able to show it to their children as well. So off to a new month of B's life. A new journal, a new chapter, a new day.

2 months and 3 years later.

My dear baby boy has reached 2 months of age and my dear baby pooch has reached 3 years old. I feel so blessed to have my dog in my life on her birthday. After her cancer scare this year, I really don't know how much longer she will be around. I love her dearly she's the best first dog I could ever ask for. She's a huge part of me and I pray every night that she will get to grow old as my boy grows up as well. I'm so blessed with my son. God has given me a calm and loving little boy who is absolutely perfect in every way. He is so well behaved and gets me through every day better than I could hope. He has his 2 month vaccinations today and it was a hard thing to go through. His little face made me tear up and I really had to hold back the tears. I, of course, need to have 3 more in 2 months again. We go on our first family vacation Thursday. We are going up to Maine and I'm nervous as hell. We are splitting the trip to Massachusetts into 2 days which will help, but I'm putting myself through the worst guilt trip in the world because we only have a certain amount of money to spend while we are there and I feel like I'm questioning every dime I spend. I'm so sick of counting pennies and I can't complain to my husband about it because I don't want him to feel bad. Here he is letting me stay at home from work with the baby, but I'm desperate for some extra cash. I hope that we can get up to Maine and just relax and have a good time. If all else fails, Kurt and I can just stay home and eat a sandwich instead of going out to lunch. The problem is that we are going through a weird period where we have some blessings in our lives, and yet curses at the same time. We were given my grandmother's car from my grandfather, he didn't make us pay anything for it. Of course we had to shell out some cash for titles and fix ups, but nothing like if we would have had to buy it. And we sold my car to my sister-in-law. I am struggling with it because it was my first car, I bought it myself and I was really excited about it and I loved that car with all of my heart. Now she has it, and she's so excited because it's HER first car to buy. We sold that car because we owed money on it and his car as well. But we owe more on his car than we could probably get for it. My dad had paid off the rest of my car and told me to not go out and buy another one. So we didn't, but we needed some extra cash and the car was what we had. If my dad found out he would get pissed, and now he thinks we have money from selling the car to my sister-in-law, but we don't. We have enough to get us through the week, but we need to be careful. I suppose if he finds out we could tell him that we're paying for my husband's car, but then I'm lying and I hate that. I've also been struggling with my lack of brain function lately. I feel that ever since I've had my baby boy my brain has just completely checked out and left the building. I lose my train of thought halfway through a sentence I am speaking, I forget EVERYTHING. I am literally writing down everything as soon as I think it. I freaking hate it.

A New Respect

Ironically, I had my baby right before Mother's Day this year. It has put Mother's Day in perspective for me, definitely. Mother's have the hardest job of all. They have to have the most patience, kindness, love, and understanding than any other person on this earth. The love that a mother has for her child is not one that can be imagined until you hold that baby in your arms. I keep thinking to myself how incredible it is that I can love K so so much in a completely different way than I love my baby boy. But both of them hold my heart in their hands, I sometimes wonder if I even have room to share it anymore. So if there is a mother reading this blog, please know I see you and your job as a mother in a whole new light. I will never look at mother's day the same again. An Update: I am feeling loads better as far as my anxiety is concerned. I got an infection in my right breast which is making me feel a bit under the weather, but the antibiotics are helping tremendously. I even got a chance to run out to Kohls Friday night while K stayed home with the baby in between feedings. K has been the best husband a woman could ever want and need during this time. He has never once complained (to my face) about the amount I ask him to do daily. And if I need to shower or take a bath, he takes the baby and let's me do what I need to do. I love him so much and I try to tell him every day how grateful I am for him. I literally do not know how I am going to make it through this week as he goes back to work. I think it will be time to be calling my friends for back up =) I'm nervous about being home alone, but also prepared. Although he has not really put himself on a schedule, we do have a bit of a routine going now and I'm excited to have the house to myself and veg out again. Just spending time with my computer and tv, and now my son. I have to enjoy it while I can because pretty soon we will be watching his tv and playing his games. I'm fighting off being paranoid about taking him out into public. My mom keeps pushing me to take him out, but I have so many reserves. I am terrified of people touching him, and him getting sick. Even the germs I will get on my hands in a store and then having to touch him. I know I can bring wipes and hand sanitizer, but I'm still scared. I think to myself, I can do this I can take him out, and then when we're in the car I panic. He's still really young, but how long do I keep him isolated in my house? And in the end am I doing more harm than good by hiding him away from the world until I think he's ready? Will that just weaken his system instead of make it stronger? I go to the doctor on Monday for his 2 week check up and that's when I will ask what they suggest. I feel hearing it from them will *hopefully* give me a little more confidence. I have zero problem telling people not to touch my child while I'm in a store and I know it's a different world and people don't really do that anymore anyway, but I'm still scared of the germs that the world holds.

My Birthing Experience

On Saturday morning at 6:45 am I woke up, as I do commonly at that time to pee. As I stepped foot into my bathroom, I felt my water break. It was a strange feeling, sort of like peeing yourself, except at 9 months pregnant you knew what it meant. It was one day after my due date. I quickly woke my husband in a panic and he calmly had me sit on the toilet for a minute as the flow continued and put me in the shower as he called my mom to let her know the games had begun. Allie had a doctor's appointment that morning at 9 am for her bandage change and we quickly arranged for her to be dropped off at K's parent's house and to stay with them for the duration of my hospital time. We arrived at the hospital shortly after 8 am and told them my water had broken. They checked us in quickly and put me in a gown on a hospital bed. I did not realize that when your water broke, it continued to leak up until the baby was to arrive. Something that really grossed me out, but luckily they had towels that I could keep in between my legs. They hooked me up to an IV, took my blood, and I rested while watching How I Met Your Mother while some contractions slowly began to kick in. A couple hours passed and my doctor arrived and had me put on patosin (or however you spell it) to get my contractions moving more quickly. Well, that stuff worked! Around the time that I started watching "I Almost Got Away With It" my mom showed up and the real fun began. I knew I was going to have a low pain tolerance, but what I wasn't counting on was my contractions deciding to be sporadic and not in a timely fashion to help me get through them. Around lunch time I decided to get some pain medicine to be able to get my body to relax and start dilating. At this time I was only roughly 1 cm. Finally, not long after the medication began to wear off my doctor came in to check me. She told me I had reached 3 cm of dilation and I was then able to receive the Epidural if I wanted to do that. I was a bit conflicted at first because both my husband and myself had wanted me to try and wait until I was a bit more dilated until I used the Epidural. But I had also said I did not want pain medication (it affects the baby a little bit) and I had gone against my wishes in that form as well. Finally, after much anxiety and pain I decided to use the Epidural. Let me tell you, the pain level I was reaching before that Epidural was a 9.5 and I knew when I hit 10 I would be miserable. Luckily, by the grace of God, I did not have a hard contraction while the anesthesiologist inserted the Epidural and I had enough time to get comfortable back in bed before it kicked in. It was really weird, not being able to really feel my legs or move them. But I knew the baby was not affected by this medication and could continue his process down the birth canal without me tensing up and slowing it down. I was able to sleep off and on after that. Forgetting Sara Marshall came on tv and I love that movie and got to watch it while my mom and K took turns having dinner. During this time I had a nurse named Natasha. She was what I needed in that stage of labor because she was very confident and almost blew off my anxiety, which helps me to calm down because she reassured me in her confidence that I would be okay. My next nurse was a woman named Skye who later informed me that she also suffered from anxiety disorder. She was brilliant and loving and the perfect nurse for me during my final stage of labor. I hit about 4 cm dilation and the baby's heart rate began to drop. They then had to attach the thing to his scalp which monitors his heart rate better, and added something else to monitor my contractions better. His heart rate was still not where it needed to be so they added amniotic fluid to my uterus, thinking that there was pressure being put on the umbilical cord. Finally they put me on some oxygen and Skye told me that if it didn't go up, I would need to have an emergency C-section to deliver him. I was okay with this, in fact, I never once was anxious during any of this time. I know my mom and K began to worry enough for all of us and I remained calm; knowing that if I panicked my body would only do more harm than good to the situation. Luckily, after the fluid was put inside of me and I had some oxygen, his heart rate went back to where it needed to be. Around midnight they came and checked me and told me that he had made his way a great deal down the birth canal and that if it continued I would barely have to push him out. He was doing it all on his own. Around this same time a huge thunder storm started brewing outside and shortly after, the hospital lost electricity. That's when I began to panic. I could feel my baby down in my pelvic region and I knew it was time to start pushing him out, but I was terrified to do it without electricity. I was also terrified of the pain and discomfort I was beginning to feel and knew that he was coming and it was time. My anxiety built up, but Skye and K talked me through it, and they cut on some lights via generator and it was time to deliver my baby boy. I pushed for 20 minutes, the longest and shortest 20 minutes of my entire life. Everyone kept telling me how awesome I was doing, my mom and Skye held my legs while K stayed at my head, but they could all see my baby boy crowning while I pushed. They offered me a mirror, but I declined, I could feel what they were telling me. He was RIGHT there and yet I felt that I could not push anymore. It was so freaking painful and I literally felt like I was being torn a new butt hole. I was scared and yet in between pushes I knew I had zero choice but to push again. My head was swimming as I felt the doctor stick her hands around his head and I knew if I pushed longer he would be here. And there was his head, I was briefly concerned because it still hurt, but one more push and my baby boy was brought into this world. It was the most incredible experience of my entire life. You can literally not help anyone get through this until they do it on there own. I now understand why I felt abandoned by mothers everywhere during my pregnancy when I was anxious and they really had nothing to offer me. It's because until you go through it, you cannot even fathom what it is like. To look down and see him there was life changing. I mean, there he was a live human being that came from inside of me. I was finally staring at his beautiful face and it was perfect. I half cried while K was able to cut the umbilical cord, tears in his own eyes. As it turns out, his umbilical cord was really short, hence the heart rate dropping during labor. They had to keep him in front of me and cut it real quick before he was finally in my arms and silently stared up at me with his beautiful face while K and my mom cried and touched him and kissed me. I wish I could give every woman in labor the feel of that moment, because even though you go through so much pain and torment before AND after birth, you still think back on the moment you looked down and laid eyes on him and you cannot even put words to the feelings you have. It is what has gotten me through my postpartum, I think of that moment and I just can't believe it happened. I finally let the nurse take him to begin his clean up process while I began mine. I had to get some stitches, but I was still so high I couldn't even care what was happening below me. I watched K take my baby's pictures and just swoon over his son while the nurse took care of him. I was so elated that I could't believe it. Then they put me back together, got me settled into bed, and my hormones finally reached me and I broke. I'm so grateful for my mother because my baby was safe in her arms while I helplessly lost control of every emotion and had a panic attack. I couldn't even enjoy my baby at first because of this and that was hard. Skye and K were quick to my rescue. I was in so much pain down below and being in a panic attack, I focused on that pain and lost my cool. Of course, having a panic attack made it 10 times worse because I wasn't relaxed in the slightest bit. Skye called down to the Pharmacy (the computers were still not working despite the fact that the electricity came back on shortly after my baby was born) and threatened their lives if someone didn't have me some pain medication up there STAT. After two Perciset (or however you spell it) and a motrin, I finally calmed down and was able to enjoy my baby. I can't even really remember the rest of the night after that. Baby boy was born at 1:39 AM and then an emergency came into the hosptial followed by another mother in labor and they kind of rushed me out of my room and put me in a postpartum room. I was so tired but probably got 1-2 hours of sleep the whole night. I was sore, I was exhausted, and I was completely aware of every move and noise the baby made that first night. My mom let K go home and get some rest while she stayed with me in the hospital. The next day a tech came in and helped me figure out the breast feeding situation and my family took turns coming in throughout the day to meet my baby and see him. I did so well while people visited and held him. In fact, I've been very relaxed about it (well, more relaxed than I thought I would be). The first night with K and myself was a rough one. He would and wouldn't feed, and he was gassy and would cry and cry and finally after two hours in a rocking chair, K called the nurse to come put him in a swing and let us sleep. I got a good 4-5 hours of sleep that night which was much needed and the next night I was able to get used to waking up off and on with him in the room. I was very nervous to come home, my hormones were already out of whack and I would cry and cry for no reason at all. Now I was supposed to be sent home where there were no nurses at my beckon call if I needed them or had a question? No way! We got home and got settled in and again, I was too anxious to sleep or do anything. Every time I was ready to sleep either dinner was delivered or my mom came over and I had wasted my opportunity to nap. I know now that when nap time hits me, I am taking it. In fact, I am ready for one now but I am trying to get through this because I've wanted to write it for so long. The first night home was pretty bad, we had gotten to our wits end and finally ended up sleeping with the baby in my arms, twice. The second night was better, and as today as gone on I am quickly learning and feeling more confident in what needs to happen for my new change and routine. My anxiety mixed with the abrupt hormone changes has hit me in the worst way possible. I literally cry over nothing and it hits so quickly that I don't even see it coming. Fortunately, breast feeding has been going swimmingly and I've been calm during all of it. It's dealing with the change of lifestyle that has been hard. Having my mom around makes it a lot easier. She's visited every day and talks with me about everything I am going through. Of course, my immense comfort I feel with her usually triggers an episode. It's like when you're little and you don't want to spend the night at people's houses. The feeling you get when your mom picks up the phone when you call. That's what I'm going through. K has been 100% perfect. Night time gets a little rough because he easily gets tired and upset. We're learning when he needs to nap during the day and that is helping. But he is keeping it under control and getting through every day with me with the upmost patience and understanding. I love him so much and I love our baby so much. I keep telling him he has been the greatest husband during all of this and I'm so glad we are at this point in our lives. I just love him so much. Anyway, today has been a better day and hopefully tonight will be a good night. I've just got to keep learning and growing. I know I can do this.