Leelish

Some days I really miss my grandmother. This month we passed the 3 year anniversary of her death, it came and went just like any other day. I had even forgotten until later in the week, and I thought to myself, "Well maybe I am finally healing?" But truth is, I don't think I will ever heal from her loss. She was someone so very special to me, a glue that kept our family together. It still shocks me that she's gone. As morbid as this sounds, since she has passed, I no longer fear death. As mortals, it's so easy to fear something we don't know. It's a scary thought to be gone forever, but now I know she'll be waiting for me. I look forward to death only so I can finally see her again. I've never felt that way until she passed. She was such a kind and loving spirit, and I was so looking forward to her meeting B, something that never happened in this mortal world. I often think, should I have put her hand on my belly while she was on her breathing tube? Should I have let her feel him move and kick? Did she die so that he could live? Weird things like that used to plague my mind. Now I just wish she was here to tell me in person how adorable he is and how much she loves him. When he was first born I felt her around a lot. I had a hard time with my anxiety and learning to balance over-protectiveness and neglect. I wanted to be a good mom without suffocating him. The first few nights I couldn't sleep because I was terrified he'd stop breathing for no reason. And one night I felt her, I can't explain it I just knew she was there by his bassinet. It's like she said, "It's okay, I'll watch him, you sleep." And I slept so good after that because I knew my baby had the most amazing guardian angels. Kurt's grandparents are passed as well, and I often amused myself by the group of passed grandparents swooning over my baby while he slept. Going back to heaven and telling the family all about how amazing B is. There's a lot of hormones happening post birth, don't judge me. I don't really feel her anymore. Not like I used to anyway. I know she's always watching over me and stuff, but her presence isn't as strong in my house and it makes moving on even harder. Maybe this depressing post is a testimony to how much this woman was loved. I could never imagine life without her and now I am living it and it is hell. It never gets easier, you only forget more. The second you remember, the hurt comes back ten fold. I believe that she is in heaven now watching over us. I believe that one day we will see each other again, and I believe I mourned her properly and have tried to continue on with my life. I am not a depressed lunatic who can't get over her grandmother's death. I just miss her. A lot. And those who have gone through this know exactly what I mean.