Do you believe Me when My answer is "wait"?

Sunday morning as I sat in church and listened to my Pastor preach, I'll admit I was not paying as much attention as I could have been. We are currently teaching little B how to sit through church and so keeping him occupied without disrupting the entire congregation is sometimes a bit trying. However, I heard my Pastor as he spoke about love, forgiveness, and dealing with people you have a problem with. In that moment, I loved his words, but I didn't necessarily feel like it was something I needed to know in that moment.

The Lord knows better.

This week I have been faced with different trials in my life having to deal directly with other people. The Lord knew on Sunday how my temper fires me up and that He needed to put my fire out before it even started. As I have been very angry and frustrated with people in my life this week, I have remembered my Pastor's words and my Lord's words to me.

I have also been feeling very down about my current situation. I am so blessed, I have been given so many great things in my life, however, K and I are ready to move forward. There is a lot we want to do in our careers, and he is ready to make those career changes. However, despite his constant efforts, he has gotten no where in being able to move forward in his career.

Patience is a virtue, this I know, but our hearts still struggle with being patient. We are ready to make a change and we feel as though we are stuck in a sort of state of "limbo" until those changes happen. How long should we try to wait before he should consider his other options? We are sitting on a lot of "what ifs" and we aren't sure where to move.

This morning I opened up a book I have called "Encouragement for Today". I don't read it daily, but I do try to open it when I am struggling in my patience with God. The chapter was on planting seeds, and although she focused a bit more on planting seeds of faith in others she mentioned waiting on God. How we plant the seeds and we can water than, but the Lord is what makes them grow.

K and I have planted our seeds. The Lord knows our hearts and our dreams, we have to be patient as we wait for Him to grow our seeds. I have faith in His plan for us, I know He planted these goals in our hearts for a reason.

This week I am learning the humble lesson of patience. Patience with my friends, patience with my family, and patience with Christ. I am struggling deeply this week with a lot of different things, but I know I can lean on my Lord to help me through it all. He knows my heart, which is so very clear to me after the sermon on Sunday has helped me through my week tremendously. The Lord knows. He knows everything and He has a plan for us. I hope that I can remember this as I continue through my week.

Romans 15:13

13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Matthew 5:16

16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

End of Summer

Tomorrow starts the official first day back to school for our county and my mom and sister are back to their normal fall schedules. This kind of signifies the end of summer for me as I have been spending a lot of time with them this summer. They both have helped me get through a lot of my anxieties and have been a huge comfort for me as I was struggling a lot.

I almost have a new set of anxieties as fall comes into play because everyone is going back to their normal jobs and school and I have nothing going on. I was denied financial aide for school and I am looking into finding a loan so I can hopefully go to school this fall, but as time draws near I am afraid I wont have enough time to register for classes.

It sucks not having anything particular going on in your life. Especially as I have been suffering from my anxiety a lot more. I've been trying to plan things and write a lot more, but it only helps for so long.

I don't know where my life is headed in the next two years and that's really difficult because I feel like I am living in a void until more certain plans come into play.

Anyway, I am grateful for my family who loves me. I really enjoyed spending so much time with my mom and sister this season and I'll miss not seeing them every day, I think.

Happy Birthday, Tina

As most of you know, last summer my sister-in-law (Tina) moved in with us. Some of you may read that sentence and cringe. I admit, I was a bit nervous sharing my already small house with one more person, but she's one of my best friends so it couldn't be too bad!

I was so wrong.

Hah! Just kidding! I have actually thoroughly enjoyed our time living together. We seem to have been able to work out an appropriate routine with her in the house. B absolutely love's having her here, anyone to play with him is good in his book. Allie is going to literally die of depression when she no longer lives with us. (Seriously, she's in her room right now while I am alone downstairs, she might as well be Tina's dog) And it's really nice to have someone around to see how weird K is and why I'm not just crazy. She truly helps me and K's relationship because she's known K her whole life and can sometimes understand his antics and explain to me. Also she can explain to him things I am trying to say in ways he will understand. We've got a good thing going. I know that this cannot last forever. One day she will have to move on from our lives and that will be really sad. In the mean time, I am enjoying this time we have together. So I decided for her birthday to share our story.

Some of you may or may not know that I met and became friends with Tina before K. She is his younger sister and we ended up in the same chorus class during high school. It was the first day of junior year and I had spent the entirety of sophmore year thinking K was a stupid know it all. Really, I couldn't stand him! So here I sat my first day of junior year and my teacher stands up and tells us he's excited to introduce this student to us. He makes her stand up in front of everyone and says, "This is K's younger sister!"

I cringed. How awful for her! To have to be introduced as his younger sister? That poor girl!

We were instant friends.

Except she actually liked her brother and they were basically best friends. I decided to look past that and befriend her regardless. We got along flawlessly, and the rest is almost history!

She's pretty much the reason me and K got together our senior year. She's seen the start of our friendship and watched us blossom from friends to boyfriend and girlfriend, to annoying sibling who makes out with annoying ex-best friend every chance they get, to "yay I have my friends back", to future sister-in-law and brother, to sister-in-law and brother. What a journey we have seen! So much has happened in that time and I am so blessed to have her as a sister. K's siblings have been amazing to me and I could not be more happy to have them in my life. I truly gained four more siblings on our wedding day. Tina was a special bonus because I definitely ended up marrying one of my best friend's brother!

So happy birthday, Tina! Love you to pieces.

Also there is no way I am posting this blog without this picture.

(This is what happens when you go to downtown Disney with your BFSIL but cannot actually get into Disneyland. We were real sad. And thus, this picture will forever be how I share my love for Tina. By posting it on the internet every chance I get.)

What Makes You Happy?

For the past two days I have done nothing but write. Sure, I had to be a mom in between those times, but it's really easy to get a lot of writing done during nap time and as soon as the hubby is home. Why am I talking about this? Because writing is what I love! I've always dreamed of writing my own book, and I don't plan on giving up on that dream anytime soon. Lately, everything I've written has been good old fashioned "fan fiction". AKA me taking some original characters (or not so original characters) and living out my fantasies with some of my favorite characters from movies or television in a fiction-type setting. Fun fact: Fanfiction.net is amazing. If you don't want to write it, it's there to read it. Young people get on this site and show off some incredible writing skills. The first time I picked up 50 Shades of Grey I laughed out loud. You guys think that is good sex writing? Hah! You should see what the teenagers are throwing out online! Those books are horrific in comparison and I have never been able to read them because of that reason. Yeah, I said it. The smut sucks. Writing is the only thing I have ever been good at. It took me a long time to realize that, but one day in college while majoring in Social Sciences (my second major in a two year degree)I began writing some fun things on the side. Something, I soon realized, I had been doing since high school. You know how some people get bored in class and doodle on their notebooks? I had a notebook solely dedicated to writing. I would dabble in random stories I've made up, or had started with Ashley and fill notebooks with notes, blurbs, or flat out "chapters". And as I pulled out this notebook in college I realized, "Wow. What if I just wrote for the rest of my life?" Boom. English major. Unfortunately life happened. I got married, got pregnant, and now I stay at home with the best thing that has ever happened to me. But he's getting older, I'm getting older, and me and Ashley just reopened a can of awesome with an old story of ours. I started writing it to be funny, have something fun for her to read at work and me to work on at home. But now I have fallen in love. It's the first original character story I've been able to write for a long time. Besides one, that I am not ready to talk about (Ashley knows). And even though one of the characters is technically hers, it still feels great. I've pumped out so much in two days that I feel my writing cup has finally runneth over. It's times like these when I think to myself, "Yes. I am going to write a book one day." And I swear it will happen. There's a lot I need to do in between, but I know it's something that cannot be forced. One day the idea will come and boom; I'll finally be sitting in a crappy book store somewhere begging people to buy one of my mere 200 copies. It is going to be awesome.

Countdown to 2

My almost 2 year old is already giving me samples of "terrible two" syndrome. This week: the battle of B versus the word "no". Disclaimer: I love my son. Read any of my posts and you will know that I love my son more than life itself. He is the greatest blessing I have ever known. That being said, he is also human. Most moms say that terrible twos is a real thing, some say it's threes; and unfortunate few are wondering when the "terrible" actually stops. I've always regarded moms with respect because I could see from day 1 how stubborn my little boy was. I soon learned that not only was he stubborn (just like his father), but he was incredibly short tempered (I will take blame for this trait). Now that we are only a few short months from reaching 2, his fun little quirks have now enhanced to all out battles. As I stated above, this week it is B versus the word "no". Actually it's B versus any word that comes out of mom's mouth because he truly does not listen to a thing I say. He climbs, he throws, he hits, he pulls; he is 100% boy. Of course this means he doesn't listen to save his life. I take dangerous things from him (like electronics or knives--you know death causing items) and I try to calmly explain that it can hurt him. Unfortunately my words fall on deaf ears because he's laying on the floor screaming bloody murder. I've read parenting articles on this fun toddler stage of life, and I am currently reading a book about raising boys and how scientists believe boys think versus girls. So I try to remember what I've read as I try to approach things in a different light. AKA not just yelling at him and constantly putting him in time out. Again, he could care less. He is beginning to learn, as I have told him since the day he was born, that I can out-stubborn any Dronenburg. This is an unfortunate thing for him as today he tried to climb on the couch to jump on it for probably a good 5 minutes, while I pulled him off and repeated "no" over and over again. Eventually he gave up and is currently on a tent that he knocked on it's side and is jumping on it. As every mom before me, I am left exhausted and ready to throw in the towel. And we are not even 2 yet. I am glad for the family roots in me that have left me unwilling to admit defeat. I refuse to lose to a young child and this fuels me to stay patient and loving. Plus, my kid is cute. And that helps. Needless to say, I know my experienced mothers out there can read this and laugh at my naive and inexperienced nature, and reflect on the times when their own son (or daughter) did the same to them. I know one day I will look back on this post and laugh myself, as B calls me to complain about his own son. Because Karma is real people.

Leelish

Some days I really miss my grandmother. This month we passed the 3 year anniversary of her death, it came and went just like any other day. I had even forgotten until later in the week, and I thought to myself, "Well maybe I am finally healing?" But truth is, I don't think I will ever heal from her loss. She was someone so very special to me, a glue that kept our family together. It still shocks me that she's gone. As morbid as this sounds, since she has passed, I no longer fear death. As mortals, it's so easy to fear something we don't know. It's a scary thought to be gone forever, but now I know she'll be waiting for me. I look forward to death only so I can finally see her again. I've never felt that way until she passed. She was such a kind and loving spirit, and I was so looking forward to her meeting B, something that never happened in this mortal world. I often think, should I have put her hand on my belly while she was on her breathing tube? Should I have let her feel him move and kick? Did she die so that he could live? Weird things like that used to plague my mind. Now I just wish she was here to tell me in person how adorable he is and how much she loves him. When he was first born I felt her around a lot. I had a hard time with my anxiety and learning to balance over-protectiveness and neglect. I wanted to be a good mom without suffocating him. The first few nights I couldn't sleep because I was terrified he'd stop breathing for no reason. And one night I felt her, I can't explain it I just knew she was there by his bassinet. It's like she said, "It's okay, I'll watch him, you sleep." And I slept so good after that because I knew my baby had the most amazing guardian angels. Kurt's grandparents are passed as well, and I often amused myself by the group of passed grandparents swooning over my baby while he slept. Going back to heaven and telling the family all about how amazing B is. There's a lot of hormones happening post birth, don't judge me. I don't really feel her anymore. Not like I used to anyway. I know she's always watching over me and stuff, but her presence isn't as strong in my house and it makes moving on even harder. Maybe this depressing post is a testimony to how much this woman was loved. I could never imagine life without her and now I am living it and it is hell. It never gets easier, you only forget more. The second you remember, the hurt comes back ten fold. I believe that she is in heaven now watching over us. I believe that one day we will see each other again, and I believe I mourned her properly and have tried to continue on with my life. I am not a depressed lunatic who can't get over her grandmother's death. I just miss her. A lot. And those who have gone through this know exactly what I mean.

Bye Bye Baby

I'm sure I have touched on this before, but it just astounds me how much B has grown in the last few months. I am officially putting away 24 month clothes as he wears them and they barely cover is little belly, and pulling out the 2T; official toddler status. It's amazing because it truly just happens in a blink of an eye. Boom. Bye bye baby, hello toddler! They just look at you one day and ask for food and you show them some options and they choose one and run along there way. You realize, "Oh my gosh, I just had a semi-intelligent conversation with my toddler." B is famous for Sunday morning melt downs. This kid will run away from me in a crowded public place and care less that he has "lost" me in the crowd. Try to leave him in nursery on Sunday? Hah. He is hysterical until K or I stop singing and go grab him from the poor (and now deaf) nursery worker. Even the moms who he knows and have watched him before outside of church will have to suffer through his cries. Well, two Sundays ago we were sitting in church and he had been doing just fine. We were by ourselves this day as it was one of the Sundays K was home sick (January has been a sickly month for this house). About the time pastor started his sermon B decided he was over sitting quietly with me. I walked him over to the nursery door and explained his options to him. "You can sit quietly in church with mama or you can go into nursery and play with your friends. Would you like to play in the nursery?" "Ah." He responded and grabbed the handle. ("Ah" is yes in B language for future reference)I opened the door and expected the normal fight, but it never came. The nursery worker smiled and asked his name (she was new) and he strolled right inside. She offered to read him a book (his favorite past time next to movie watching) and he was sold. I sat by myself in church and listened to the sermon and never heard a peep from my boy. I couldn't help but sneak a text to my husband and let him know the accomplishment! "He's getting to be a big boy now." K responded. I simply sent him a crying emoji in return, I was not ready for this. Again today, it came time for me to go sit with the choir to sing. K, once again sick, was home and it was just me and B. He was with one of his favorite nursery workers. "Okay, I am going to go sing now. Do you want to keep reading with Z in here?" "Ah." He responded, not even looking up from the book in the little toddler chair he sat in. I walked in to the church and sat down, expecting to hear cries at any time. They never came. He played quietly until I returned (it was my Sunday for nursery duty as well). He's learning more and more each day and surprising me with every bit of it. If he sees the Petco sign he starts pointing and saying "Meow" because he knows we stop in sometimes to visit the kitties that are inside. He told me he was hot in the car one sunny afternoon while we were out running errands. I took his coat off, and he was pleasant for the rest of the trip. But with this new toddler independence comes new appreciation for those loving and tender moments. When he wakes up from his nap and just rests his head on my shoulder for awhile. Or when he stops in the middle of playing and jumps into my lap and wants a kiss. His smiles and laughter all mean so much more because so much more thought is behind them. He understands so much more so it means he knows what he's laughing at or that he specifically wants a hug from mom in that moment. Those are the times where my heart literally melts with love. Although watching him grow up is hard, and helping him learn his boundaries can be even harder; it is the most rewarding experience in the world. I am so proud of that kid my heart could just explode. Even when he decides to have a temper tantrum in the middle of Target and lay completely down on the floor while screaming as other mothers walk past with a knowing smile. I don't even mind those times. Because one day he is going to stop needing me, and then he'll be grown and leaving me. I dread those days. I relish in these days. I don't want to forget them.

Blessed

The best gift God has ever given me is B. Despite the struggling day we shared today, I go to bed grateful to have had him. He literally saved my life. I was headed no where. No plans or goals in my future. I didn't know what I wanted in a career.

The motherhood came along and I realized, "wow this is actually for me". Something I truly did not expect. I never liked kids, I never babysat, and even as a mom I STILL feel awkward with some children. But B is different, he's literally part of me and maybe that's why it's so natural. I'm raising myself and my husband, and clearly I love both of us, so why wouldn't our creation be awesome?

Don't get me wrong, motherhood is full of challenges and struggles. Witnessing your own temper in your son can be very humbling. But it's a frustration well worth it. It never ceases to amaze me how much I love this kid. I don't want to forget this time because I'll miss it so so dearly when it's gone. But that's for another day. 

Tis the Season...to hit deer and total your freaking car.

So I am just here to update you on my life as I do every so often for those who care and wonder where the hell I've been. Tis the season to be busy. Not only have I been planning, decorating, and wrapping for Christmas; but my car was totaled a week ago. Yes, the CRV which was my grandmother's car that was given to us a few months after she passed. I really didn't expect that to happen so it came as a huge shock and I was beyond upset. I was actually hysterical and probably would have had a panic attack except I am on medication and it somehow kept me sort of calm. Anyway, we spent the week looking for a new car (we had been borrowing my old car, the Yaris from my sister-in-law because she's amazing) and the day we decided to buckle down and make a decision my dad came over and offered us his 2003 Corolla. He said he was saving it for my sister who will be driving in a couple of years so it really was just sitting in our driveway. Well, that was such a blessing and we told him we would give it back in two years and find something else for ourselves. And as for now, we are trying to sell my husband's car. A 2004 Chrysler Crossfire. Only 58,000 miles for $11,000. If we can manage to sell that before Christmas we will be able to buy a brand new SUV for ourselves. Next week I will be going to my Pop's house to put up his tree for him. I have mixed emotions about this because it's the first Christmas without my grandmother and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know I have days where I miss her so much I feel like I cannot even breath. And then there are days where I feel her everywhere around me, watching me, loving me; and I know it'll all be okay. I just continue praying and knowing that one day I can see her and hug her again. But damn, I miss her so much. Anyway, B met Santa for the first time Saturday! It was so cute and he took an amazing picture! (It's on my blog somewhere) And I am sending out our family's first Christmas cards tomorrow! Also very exciting for me! I love this time of year so much!

Perfect

B is at the perfect age right now. He's wiggling and scooting around, pretty soon he'll be sitting up on his own. I really want to cherish this first year with him because it will probably the easiest year of parenting. It's about us exploring each other and everything he learns is fun. Once he starts walking and talking, I feel like that's when the trouble will start. Anyway, I know I'll miss this time 15 years from now as I teach him how to drive and he's a mean old teenager. I know it will be hard and im looking forward to this first year and soaking up every joyful day I have with him. He's such a blessing.