Fight Club

Sometimes I feel like my life would be easier if I could just meet Satan in the pit and punch the bastard in the face.

I'm such a confrontational person, and this isn't something I'm proud of. Satan knows how to get to us best, and in my case it's through my mental illness. A bad day for a normal brain can usually be cleared up with some chocolate, a good sleep, a long bath, etc. For me it's a spiral into depression that I have to literally pull myself out of and it takes it's toll, physically and emotionally.

It's so much easier to give in, to sleep all day, to cry about hating everything, to cry about hating myself, to feel bad about myself.

But I'm not that person anymore. I've been doing so well, and I'm better at pulling myself out of these fogs, but it doesn't keep that SOB from trying anyway. When I pulled myself out of that terrible place 2 years ago, I used to visually imagining myself hitting Satan in the face with every thing I did for myself.

Wake up, hit him.
Take a shower, hit him.
Make myself eat something, hit him.
Get in the car and drive to the sanctuary that was my mother's house, watch him fall.

Now that my shields are stronger, my heart is stronger, my mind is stronger, it's a lot harder for him to get in. I'm short tempered, and I'm stubborn. I'm not the kind of person people want to make angry. So it drives me nuts, when I feel these fogs coming in, and as much as I try to stop it my brain is sick, and it can only do so much. And I know it's him. I know it's evil. And the confrontational side of me is screaming at him to come see me in person and fight me like evil should instead of lurking in the shadows of my mind.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. But I have long since decided my mental illness no longer defines who I am or what I do. I am a firm believer that you can take charge of your life and pull yourself up and do something. I'm living proof of that. It doesn't come easily, and I thank the Lord for my provisions. He gave me the tools, but I did the effort. I decided to stop crying every day. I decided to stop living in a constant state of anxiety. I went out and got the help I needed spiritually and mentally.

I hate that I have to rely on medication, but that's something I know I can come to terms with too.

I'm not the weak person I was 2 years ago. And even though the fog comes in sometimes, it always clears.

If nothing else, I hope that my life will help others see that they too can overcome anything. I truly believe this. I wouldn't be where I am in life if I didn't.

Go after your dreams, whether it's overcoming a mental illness or doing something in life, do it. Evil can't stop you.

Opening My Heart

At the beginning of this week I was feeling troubled. It's troubles that have been following me around all summer long. My graduation date looms ahead of me and I am uncertain of how to set about my future and where to go. I've felt distanced from the Lord. He has lead me this far and to this point, and I suddenly felt like I couldn't hear Him anymore. What am I supposed to do next? How am I supposed to learn these languages that are so hard? How am I supposed to finish this degree and find a job in 6 months? How come I can't find a job now? How am I supposed to be okay with little B going to school and being left alone at home all day long?

I was by myself with B earlier this week while K was away on travel. We visited the base virtually every day because I find comfort there when I don't have K. I was walking through the book section in the NEX and I picked up a daily devotional. I turned to the day (the 27th) and it was about worries. It spoke about how you do not need to have all of the answers in order to stop worrying. Leaning on the Lord for support and trusting in Him will help. It struck me that this was the devotional and it was something I was struggling with; so I bought the book.

As the days have gone by this week I've done all of the devotions and really tried to let go of my anxieties and listen to the Lord to be able to hear Him again. All week I felt restless and unsettled, and I was wondering to myself if I would ever be able to get it right. I began to question myself. Were these dreams really what the Lord had set in my heart or was I after selfish things?

Tonight I sat down with my devotional and it quoted Deuteronomy 32:11. "Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them, bearing them on its pinions," The mother eagle pushes her babies out of the nest in order to encourage them to fly. The Lord pushes us out of our comfort zone to do the same. He has a plan, He knows what He is doing.

All week I stumbled upon videos of YouTubers discussing their own ambitions and going after their own hopes and dreams. It made me feel inspired a bit, and it made me not question myself as much. And then tonight I read that devotional and it dawned on me that the Lord was speaking to me, I just needed to stop and listen.

I truly believe He placed the dreams and goal in my heart for a reason. Obviously we all have a purpose, but my own goals are something that some people may look at funny. However, I feel led by the Lord and I have felt led by him since the first day I realized what I wanted to do as a career. I don't believe in coincidences, every step I've made to get to where I am today I have felt pushed to do so.

I need to remind myself that going after my career isn't selfish. I need to remind myself that the dreams and goals I have set are ones I can accomplish if I work hard and step out of that comfort zone. I have come this far, I live in a foreign country and I am learning two foreign languages while completing a degree. I can do this and I have the Lord on my side every step of the way.

I tend to let myself believe that there are people in my life who do not believe in me. But I think the reality is that the person standing in my way is me. I am doubting myself and spreading the anxiety in my own mind.

I knew going into this new life I wanted that it wouldn't be easy. But as I hit those harder hills I really let myself get down and out about it. I want to hold on to this feeling, this inspiration, and these goals. I want to keep reminding myself that He is the holding my hand and leading me every step of the way. I need to stop standing in my own way.

Being Four

Being four means learning boundaries. It means talking back to mom and dad. It means thinking you know everything. It means learning confidence, even if it gets you in trouble most of the time.

I sometimes tease my husband that B is filled with all of our worst qualities:

• Stubborn as a mule (his side)
• Impatient and short-tempered (me)
• Doesn't listen well (him)
• Night owl and grumpy in the morning (me)
• Hates school (me again)

Be he's also:

• Empathetic and kind (dad)
• Loves to cuddle (dad)
• Creative (mom and dad)
• Loves music (mom and dad)
• laughs and enjoys life
• shops well
• travels wonderfully

I believe a lot of his attributes towards the end can be credited towards me and K having a more relaxed parenting style since he was an infant. We try really hard to let him experience life and learn and grow as he does without being too overbearing. 

I'm blessed to have this little boy. As much as he wears me out and has endless energy, he really is such a good boy. As he now embarks on the new adventures of school, I can't help wondering what the future holds for us. I'm not sure what road I take from here. For four years he's been my buddy, my sidekick. I'm kind of afraid to be on my own again. I know that, no matter what, God will help reveal that path. As He as lead me every step of the way thus far. 

Patience is a virtue, but it's hard to remember this sometimes. I'm going to be sad as nugget begins full-time school. It's hard to watch them grow up and away from you, but it's also one of the most rewarding experiences I've ever known.

I'm not stressed, just taking my overwhelmed-ness with style...

This month I had two classes instead of my normal 1. Which means the 20-30 hours of work I get in a class is now 40-60 hours. On top of working 40 hours a week, and oh yeah, I'm a mom.

Luckily a blizzard came through and I was able to kill 90% of my homework during that time. However, my house is still a mess (and now salt is tracked through it despite my best efforts), my homework still isn't finished, laundry isn't done, and I'm moving out of the country in a couple of months.

I would just like to make a shout out to the United States Postal Service for being, by far, the most unhelpful waste of my time I have ever had to deal with. I should have to A.) Pay over $100 for a passport and B.) Have to physically make an appointment at the post office and then proceed to come back to get the service taken care of. It's 2016, the internet exists for a reason. At least let me set my appointment up online!

On top of already losing my birth certificate and marriage license this year, the USPS now has the new copies for "X" amount of months and I still have to take those original copies to someone in the government for a different type of passport. And to clarify, I am the one that lost the certificates, not the USPS.

So long story short, getting paperwork done is stressful enough without having my own stupidness making it worse.

And as much time as I have spent on moving stuff around my house from one room to another, I feel beyond overwhelmed. I know I am making life easier for myself by organizing things. I know I am actually taking big chunks out of the moving process. But now there's piles of stuff in every room in my house and my OCD is not feeling it.

I will be happy the day the movers show up and clear out my house. Because despite the fact that I am trusting other people to touch my stuff (Lord be with me and my anxiety), I will at least have until May to not have to worry about that.

If this jumbled mess of thoughts doesn't say it enough. I'm kind of overwhelmed with life. I am just trying really hard to pretend that I'm not.

Bye Bye Baby

I'm sure I have touched on this before, but it just astounds me how much B has grown in the last few months. I am officially putting away 24 month clothes as he wears them and they barely cover is little belly, and pulling out the 2T; official toddler status. It's amazing because it truly just happens in a blink of an eye. Boom. Bye bye baby, hello toddler! They just look at you one day and ask for food and you show them some options and they choose one and run along there way. You realize, "Oh my gosh, I just had a semi-intelligent conversation with my toddler." B is famous for Sunday morning melt downs. This kid will run away from me in a crowded public place and care less that he has "lost" me in the crowd. Try to leave him in nursery on Sunday? Hah. He is hysterical until K or I stop singing and go grab him from the poor (and now deaf) nursery worker. Even the moms who he knows and have watched him before outside of church will have to suffer through his cries. Well, two Sundays ago we were sitting in church and he had been doing just fine. We were by ourselves this day as it was one of the Sundays K was home sick (January has been a sickly month for this house). About the time pastor started his sermon B decided he was over sitting quietly with me. I walked him over to the nursery door and explained his options to him. "You can sit quietly in church with mama or you can go into nursery and play with your friends. Would you like to play in the nursery?" "Ah." He responded and grabbed the handle. ("Ah" is yes in B language for future reference)I opened the door and expected the normal fight, but it never came. The nursery worker smiled and asked his name (she was new) and he strolled right inside. She offered to read him a book (his favorite past time next to movie watching) and he was sold. I sat by myself in church and listened to the sermon and never heard a peep from my boy. I couldn't help but sneak a text to my husband and let him know the accomplishment! "He's getting to be a big boy now." K responded. I simply sent him a crying emoji in return, I was not ready for this. Again today, it came time for me to go sit with the choir to sing. K, once again sick, was home and it was just me and B. He was with one of his favorite nursery workers. "Okay, I am going to go sing now. Do you want to keep reading with Z in here?" "Ah." He responded, not even looking up from the book in the little toddler chair he sat in. I walked in to the church and sat down, expecting to hear cries at any time. They never came. He played quietly until I returned (it was my Sunday for nursery duty as well). He's learning more and more each day and surprising me with every bit of it. If he sees the Petco sign he starts pointing and saying "Meow" because he knows we stop in sometimes to visit the kitties that are inside. He told me he was hot in the car one sunny afternoon while we were out running errands. I took his coat off, and he was pleasant for the rest of the trip. But with this new toddler independence comes new appreciation for those loving and tender moments. When he wakes up from his nap and just rests his head on my shoulder for awhile. Or when he stops in the middle of playing and jumps into my lap and wants a kiss. His smiles and laughter all mean so much more because so much more thought is behind them. He understands so much more so it means he knows what he's laughing at or that he specifically wants a hug from mom in that moment. Those are the times where my heart literally melts with love. Although watching him grow up is hard, and helping him learn his boundaries can be even harder; it is the most rewarding experience in the world. I am so proud of that kid my heart could just explode. Even when he decides to have a temper tantrum in the middle of Target and lay completely down on the floor while screaming as other mothers walk past with a knowing smile. I don't even mind those times. Because one day he is going to stop needing me, and then he'll be grown and leaving me. I dread those days. I relish in these days. I don't want to forget them.