Bye Bye Baby

I'm sure I have touched on this before, but it just astounds me how much B has grown in the last few months. I am officially putting away 24 month clothes as he wears them and they barely cover is little belly, and pulling out the 2T; official toddler status. It's amazing because it truly just happens in a blink of an eye. Boom. Bye bye baby, hello toddler! They just look at you one day and ask for food and you show them some options and they choose one and run along there way. You realize, "Oh my gosh, I just had a semi-intelligent conversation with my toddler." B is famous for Sunday morning melt downs. This kid will run away from me in a crowded public place and care less that he has "lost" me in the crowd. Try to leave him in nursery on Sunday? Hah. He is hysterical until K or I stop singing and go grab him from the poor (and now deaf) nursery worker. Even the moms who he knows and have watched him before outside of church will have to suffer through his cries. Well, two Sundays ago we were sitting in church and he had been doing just fine. We were by ourselves this day as it was one of the Sundays K was home sick (January has been a sickly month for this house). About the time pastor started his sermon B decided he was over sitting quietly with me. I walked him over to the nursery door and explained his options to him. "You can sit quietly in church with mama or you can go into nursery and play with your friends. Would you like to play in the nursery?" "Ah." He responded and grabbed the handle. ("Ah" is yes in B language for future reference)I opened the door and expected the normal fight, but it never came. The nursery worker smiled and asked his name (she was new) and he strolled right inside. She offered to read him a book (his favorite past time next to movie watching) and he was sold. I sat by myself in church and listened to the sermon and never heard a peep from my boy. I couldn't help but sneak a text to my husband and let him know the accomplishment! "He's getting to be a big boy now." K responded. I simply sent him a crying emoji in return, I was not ready for this. Again today, it came time for me to go sit with the choir to sing. K, once again sick, was home and it was just me and B. He was with one of his favorite nursery workers. "Okay, I am going to go sing now. Do you want to keep reading with Z in here?" "Ah." He responded, not even looking up from the book in the little toddler chair he sat in. I walked in to the church and sat down, expecting to hear cries at any time. They never came. He played quietly until I returned (it was my Sunday for nursery duty as well). He's learning more and more each day and surprising me with every bit of it. If he sees the Petco sign he starts pointing and saying "Meow" because he knows we stop in sometimes to visit the kitties that are inside. He told me he was hot in the car one sunny afternoon while we were out running errands. I took his coat off, and he was pleasant for the rest of the trip. But with this new toddler independence comes new appreciation for those loving and tender moments. When he wakes up from his nap and just rests his head on my shoulder for awhile. Or when he stops in the middle of playing and jumps into my lap and wants a kiss. His smiles and laughter all mean so much more because so much more thought is behind them. He understands so much more so it means he knows what he's laughing at or that he specifically wants a hug from mom in that moment. Those are the times where my heart literally melts with love. Although watching him grow up is hard, and helping him learn his boundaries can be even harder; it is the most rewarding experience in the world. I am so proud of that kid my heart could just explode. Even when he decides to have a temper tantrum in the middle of Target and lay completely down on the floor while screaming as other mothers walk past with a knowing smile. I don't even mind those times. Because one day he is going to stop needing me, and then he'll be grown and leaving me. I dread those days. I relish in these days. I don't want to forget them.

The Thing About Depression...

Despite my want of a more light-hearted and fun blog, I feel it necessary to touch on this subject; as I have been suffering all week. Depression, in my opinion, cannot really be defined. It can, however, be taken more seriously by more people. Let's face it, everyone feels depressed sometimes! Your brain takes longer to heal over some things then others and that's okay! But because everyone deals with this, it makes it more of a "Well here, just take this" kind of disease then a real life medical problem. I inserted a picture of a comparison of two brains. I saw it the other day and it really struck me how it is something real.

I would not say I have suffered from depression for my entire life, but I have suffered from anxiety. It was one of those things I suffered with as a young child that went away for a random period of time until I hit puberty and it came flooding back. It wasn't until I was 22 years old that I actually decided to talk to someone about it. I had just brought in my new puppy and my parents were out of town that weekend. The first night I had the pup she woke me up in the middle of the night crying and as I let her outside I too started crying. "What was I thinking?" "I can't raise an animal!" "My anxiety is giving her anxiety!" "How can I take care of this tiny life?" "If I don't train her right I will ruin her life!" Doesn't this all sound ridiculous? But it's real. It's real fear that is running through my head. I had a panic attack. I couldn't stop shaking and I couldn't breath, I just kept staring at the puppy giving me her big sad eyes and I would get worse. The next night I decided to spend more time with my husband (then fiance). As the night was coming to an end of the night, I couldn't help but start feeling that anxiety all over again. I couldn't handle being alone with this dog. I walked into K's room in panic. It was the first time I think he saw a true panic attack and realized that all of my worries and anxieties were real. I sat down next to him and started to have another panic attack. He stared at me in shock as he held my puppy, but soon he was in action. He helped me calm down and has always been the person I rely on the most when my anxiety happens even to this day. Some how he can rationalize my crazed thoughts and find solutions for me. He helped me realize I needed to talk to a doctor about this ridiculous anxiety and consider medication. I have been on medicine ever since. I am now 25 and I still have times when needing to medicated truly bothers me. And why should it? I have a legitimate problem and disease. You don't look down on people who are diagnosed with things like cancer or diabetes, so why should people with mental problems be looked down upon? I have been living with a chemical imbalance in my brain. The medicine fixes that. The only time I have been off of my medication was when I got pregnant. And I did okay, normal hormonal stuff I felt like was happening, but nothing too terrible. I had a couple of panic attacks, but I was about to be a MOM it was a big deal and I was nervous! I had a panic attack after having B, but really did just fine adjusting to life as a new mom after him. It wasn't until he stopped breast feeding that the post partum started, and I believe I have told that tale before. Even now, as I am on new medication for my new symptoms I have days where I just feel like shit (to put it bluntly). The worse days are rainy days. I wake up and I feel like the dark clouds made their way into my head, things that normally interest me don't. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and avoid people. I usually have to force myself out of the house and doing things that I know will make me feel better. Sure enough, I am usual grateful to myself for getting out and being social. And even more truthfully is how my B has saved me. You may think, "No interests? How can you even be a mother?" But B has never been a cause of my depression and he is the reason I make sure he is never ever affected by it. I want to be the best mother to that little boy that I can be and I can't do that and be depressed. So I suck it up, put on my tough girl helmet and show that gorgeous kid my biggest smile. Because that's what he deserves, the best of me. And usually I don't have to keep trying so hard after awhile because it's a natural endorphin for me to be with him. I really wasn't headed anywhere in particular before I got pregnant with B. I didn't know how being a mother would work for me, but I never expected to love it like I do. That kid is my life, my everything. He makes me happy every single day and it is so fulfilling to raise him. I don't know where I would be, or even if I would be if it wasn't for him. So yeah, I still have my bad days, but then I force myself to have some quality "me" time and I reflect on myself and think of all of these things and it usually helps perk me up some. I guess I don't have much of a point, but I do encourage everyone to realize that things like depression and post partum are very real and very scary. I am good at faking it and keeping a smile on my face, but I have had years of practice and an amazing partner who lets me take that "me" time when I need it. He is another thing keeping me going. He has always tried to understand no matter how confusing or upset I am. Life would be nothing without my boys.

Blessed

The best gift God has ever given me is B. Despite the struggling day we shared today, I go to bed grateful to have had him. He literally saved my life. I was headed no where. No plans or goals in my future. I didn't know what I wanted in a career.

The motherhood came along and I realized, "wow this is actually for me". Something I truly did not expect. I never liked kids, I never babysat, and even as a mom I STILL feel awkward with some children. But B is different, he's literally part of me and maybe that's why it's so natural. I'm raising myself and my husband, and clearly I love both of us, so why wouldn't our creation be awesome?

Don't get me wrong, motherhood is full of challenges and struggles. Witnessing your own temper in your son can be very humbling. But it's a frustration well worth it. It never ceases to amaze me how much I love this kid. I don't want to forget this time because I'll miss it so so dearly when it's gone. But that's for another day.