Opening My Heart

At the beginning of this week I was feeling troubled. It's troubles that have been following me around all summer long. My graduation date looms ahead of me and I am uncertain of how to set about my future and where to go. I've felt distanced from the Lord. He has lead me this far and to this point, and I suddenly felt like I couldn't hear Him anymore. What am I supposed to do next? How am I supposed to learn these languages that are so hard? How am I supposed to finish this degree and find a job in 6 months? How come I can't find a job now? How am I supposed to be okay with little B going to school and being left alone at home all day long?

I was by myself with B earlier this week while K was away on travel. We visited the base virtually every day because I find comfort there when I don't have K. I was walking through the book section in the NEX and I picked up a daily devotional. I turned to the day (the 27th) and it was about worries. It spoke about how you do not need to have all of the answers in order to stop worrying. Leaning on the Lord for support and trusting in Him will help. It struck me that this was the devotional and it was something I was struggling with; so I bought the book.

As the days have gone by this week I've done all of the devotions and really tried to let go of my anxieties and listen to the Lord to be able to hear Him again. All week I felt restless and unsettled, and I was wondering to myself if I would ever be able to get it right. I began to question myself. Were these dreams really what the Lord had set in my heart or was I after selfish things?

Tonight I sat down with my devotional and it quoted Deuteronomy 32:11. "Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them, bearing them on its pinions," The mother eagle pushes her babies out of the nest in order to encourage them to fly. The Lord pushes us out of our comfort zone to do the same. He has a plan, He knows what He is doing.

All week I stumbled upon videos of YouTubers discussing their own ambitions and going after their own hopes and dreams. It made me feel inspired a bit, and it made me not question myself as much. And then tonight I read that devotional and it dawned on me that the Lord was speaking to me, I just needed to stop and listen.

I truly believe He placed the dreams and goal in my heart for a reason. Obviously we all have a purpose, but my own goals are something that some people may look at funny. However, I feel led by the Lord and I have felt led by him since the first day I realized what I wanted to do as a career. I don't believe in coincidences, every step I've made to get to where I am today I have felt pushed to do so.

I need to remind myself that going after my career isn't selfish. I need to remind myself that the dreams and goals I have set are ones I can accomplish if I work hard and step out of that comfort zone. I have come this far, I live in a foreign country and I am learning two foreign languages while completing a degree. I can do this and I have the Lord on my side every step of the way.

I tend to let myself believe that there are people in my life who do not believe in me. But I think the reality is that the person standing in my way is me. I am doubting myself and spreading the anxiety in my own mind.

I knew going into this new life I wanted that it wouldn't be easy. But as I hit those harder hills I really let myself get down and out about it. I want to hold on to this feeling, this inspiration, and these goals. I want to keep reminding myself that He is the holding my hand and leading me every step of the way. I need to stop standing in my own way.

Being Four

Being four means learning boundaries. It means talking back to mom and dad. It means thinking you know everything. It means learning confidence, even if it gets you in trouble most of the time.

I sometimes tease my husband that B is filled with all of our worst qualities:

• Stubborn as a mule (his side)
• Impatient and short-tempered (me)
• Doesn't listen well (him)
• Night owl and grumpy in the morning (me)
• Hates school (me again)

Be he's also:

• Empathetic and kind (dad)
• Loves to cuddle (dad)
• Creative (mom and dad)
• Loves music (mom and dad)
• laughs and enjoys life
• shops well
• travels wonderfully

I believe a lot of his attributes towards the end can be credited towards me and K having a more relaxed parenting style since he was an infant. We try really hard to let him experience life and learn and grow as he does without being too overbearing. 

I'm blessed to have this little boy. As much as he wears me out and has endless energy, he really is such a good boy. As he now embarks on the new adventures of school, I can't help wondering what the future holds for us. I'm not sure what road I take from here. For four years he's been my buddy, my sidekick. I'm kind of afraid to be on my own again. I know that, no matter what, God will help reveal that path. As He as lead me every step of the way thus far. 

Patience is a virtue, but it's hard to remember this sometimes. I'm going to be sad as nugget begins full-time school. It's hard to watch them grow up and away from you, but it's also one of the most rewarding experiences I've ever known.

How to Adult?

Today I traveled to Tokyo to attend a concert alone. This is may not seem like a big deal to you, but to me it was a huge step. I often don't leave K's side in this country because his Japanese far surpasses my own. But I set off on this adventure and was successful. The train systems in Japan are crazy, but with the help of Google I only got mixed up one time up and was able to get straight home without a problem. I was able to get coffees and my seat at the venue. Even stopped in a side shop to buy a present for B.

(Japan isn't like the states, traveling alone is not a scary and dangerous thing here so don't freak out.)

I think a lot about how the Lord has led me to where I am today. How I woke up and had this sudden change of heart. He heard my prayers and He answered them. He gave me guidance and strength and placed new dreams into my heart.

Sometimes I think about where I was mentally two years ago and where I am at today and I'm so proud of myself. Two years ago the thought of moving to another country wasn't even possible. I couldn't handle it. Today I traveled in a foreign country where I don't speak the language at all, and I got more lost in the venue than I did traveling. You can absolutely overcome anything if you set your mind to it and I feel like I am living proof of that. 

I have had the help of the Lord, but it takes more than prayers to get somewhere. You have to be willing to build off of His strength and work hard. I still have a lot of problems with my anxiety. I still make K do phone calls for me, or come into the doctor with me. But I also force myself to overcome my mental illness and learn to get past it. Not longer is it something I let hold me back, it's something I learn to move beyond.

I'm just really proud of myself more than anything. I have a long way to go, but the steps you move past getting there make the journey worth it.

Getting It Out

I feel like I've reached a weird place in life where I am actually about to graduate from college and I am faced with the ever awful, "what now?"

I feel obliged to take jobs near my husband, to learn Japanese because I am in Japan, and to keep to those "safe" routes of life. But I didn't go after this degree to be safe.

I spent the evening with K talking about our future and the things I am stressing out about. On one hand I want to pursue my dreams, but what does that mean? It means that no matter what, in 5 years K has to go back to the U.S. I, however, don't have to. If I land my dream job I can keep working there, sending him and my son to live back in the states without me for 2 years. And of course, I could land this job while we are overseas, still sending me into a career that takes me away from my family for extended periods of time.

It makes me feel like I am a bad mother. I want to pursue this job that leaves my son without his mother and despite technology, I don't know how often I will see him. It's a choice I have to make. I could get into a job, not like it, and quit. At least at the end of the day, I can say I pursued my dreams.

But what if I love my job?

What if it's everything I thought it would be and I don't want to quit. Am I still that bad mom?

K is the most supportive person in my life. He encourages me to do what I want to do, insisting he and B will be fine without me and we can just take things as they come. It doesn't make me feel any less guilty though.

Why do I have to feel guilty? Why do I have to feel like I'm choosing between my career and family and not making it work out so I can have both? I have a husband who is willing to let his wife live in another country for 2 years by herself if it means she's achieving her dreams. The person who is holding me back is me.

I just feel a bit lost. Do I take a break in learning Korean and concentrate on Japanese before getting back into Korean. Do I try both? Do I say screw Japanese and go hard at Korean? Because I can't do anything overseas if I can't hold a conversation with anyone in the industry.

These are the anxieties keeping me up at night, running over and over in my mind until I burst into tears in the middle of KFC when K makes a passing comment about eating dinner at home.

I just wish I didn't feel like I was neglecting one part of my life by going for another. My mind tells me to stop, and I don't even know if I will ever even end up in my dream jobs? But, I still want to try.

And after all of this, all of the encouragement and deciding "I can do this" once again. I feel scared.

I feel like I'm going after something that so many people think will never happen for me. I'm the kind of person who really digs in her heels and achieves what she wants, but it doesn't come without hard work and tears.

I can't find a job as it is, so I am going to spend the next 6 months studying another language like it's my duty in life and really give life my all. After tonight, I feel that empowerment again. Just a year ago I was scared of even applying to school again. But I'm doing it, I'm finishing my degree, I'm learning another language (possibly 2) and I'm going to go after my freaking dream job.

I'll probably just cry a lot in between. You know, anxiety and all.

3 Months in and I'm Still Here

I've been meaning to make this post for quite some time. Unfortunately, time is not always on our side, is it? As of July 13 I have been living in Japan for 3 months, and yeah, I still love it.

I don't have any friends. I am trying desperately to find a job, finish school, and not melt. However, these are all difficult things to accomplish while not being as socially awkward as I am. I went outside of my comfort zone and took B out to a special PT for Tots thing, and man my awkwardness is just uncanny. Met another American neighbor this week while at the park with B, again, I'm so socially awkward people could write books about me. I am stepping out of my comfort zones, however, and that is steps in the right direction.

I am applying for jobs a bit earlier than I planned. Due to some miscommunications we are looking at having to send B to Preschool off-base and we have to pay out of pocket for this. I definitely need work and I've begun applying to English teaching jobs. I am not good at teaching. At all. I've never been good at it, I have no patience for people. When they don't understand something I explain the first time I get irritated and short. A very great amount of people have suggested I home school B. Unfortunately, with my mental health, full time college courses, and overall crap-self; this isn't an option for me. First of all, I've tried. Since I am stuck in the house with him all day we go through Preschool learning books that he got for his birthday and he just doesn't listen to me at all. I'm also trying to learn Japanese with him, but it's like pulling teeth. I really hope he's only like this for me and not at school, but he needs much deeper structure and also kids to play with.

Which brings me back to the teaching thing. If I can't teach a 4-year old how to count to 10 in Japanese, how am I supposed to teach an adult how to English? I can't even teach myself.

I've also been suffering from insomnia during the last month! Fun facts, almost every website online will tell you the leading cause of insomnia is anxiety and stress. Up until this week, I haven't even been stressed or anxious so I'm not even sure why my body hates me? It's making my mental health decline and as a result I am just not in good shape.

A lot of praying has been happening this month. Mostly because I am unsure of where to go from here. K told me today that he knows I wanted to achieve some career goals and dreams while overseas and to go for it and we'll figure the rest out. And learning another language is hard. After the day is done and I've suffered in my classes online, suffered in my learning another language, and suffered in applying for jobs my self esteem is low. What if I'm doing it all wrong? Am I really supposed to be after these career goals? Was college a waste? Should I stay home and have more babies and try to teach my kids like everyone thinks I should be doing?

There is only One that can determine my path and I constantly pray for that path to be shown to me.

Nothing goes without hardships, but I guess I got so excited about how coming out here was good moves in our lives, that I had subconsciously expected it all to go perfect and smooth. But life isn't like that, is it?

This isn't to say I don't like Japan. I love it here! I can't wait for people to come visit me so I can show off my beautiful new home. It's just lovely, it's hot as crap right now, but it's lovely. We want to stay here as long as we can.

I know it's only been 3 months and I have a long road ahead of me. I just need a little more guidance, a little more faith, and a little less humidity. (it's hot!!)

Are you sure you want to ejaculate?

Don't let the title scare you, this is just another fun blog about being a foreigner living in a country that doesn't speak your language.

This month I am taking two college classes versus my normal one. K has taken this like a champ and the past two Sundays has taken B out to run some errands so I could get a big portion of my homework done with no distractions. This last Sunday he took him to drop of some donations to the second hand store.

The problem with your first overseas move is the amount of unnecessary items you will bring with you, and the amount of necessary items you'll leave at home. I have donated so much stuff because I simply don't need it here and do not have the storage for it. I also keep remembering things I put in storage in the states that I could have brought with me. You live and you learn.

Most of the younger generations in Japan know English. They are taught it 1-12 grade in almost every school. However, they don't speak it well. They learn to read and write in the language, but they do not know how to converse. Therefore, when faced with a foreigner most of them panic. Americans are classified talkers in this country. We are loud and unnecessarily conversational and that is now how they operate here. If they can avoid speaking to you in English they will.

Most of the time this isn't a problem. K knows enough Japanese that the locals assume he's fluent and immediately speak normally to him, therefore leaving us staring at them blankly. Google Translate's app has this amazing function where you can have someone speak to the phone and the phone will try to translate it.

However, in a crowded mall where there is a lot of background noise and busy people, it may not work. So when the donation woman is trying to ask you if you are sure you want to donate the enormous box of crap you just bought her, it may try to assume she's asking you, "are you sure you want to ejaculate?"

If you know how conservative this country is you can imagine the horror this woman experienced when the phone wrote that question in both English and Japanese. Luckily for her, K is a very jolly person and laughed it off. He attempted to make her feel at ease by telling her it was okay and he got most of what she was trying to say. However, she was thoroughly embarrassed and who could blame her?

I feel really bad having to ask people to translate things for me. A lot of the time you see it on their face when you walk in a restaurant or store. "Oh no. Another foreigner, please don't ask me to speak English." And when you do ask them if they speak English they sometimes have that look of "crap". I don't blame them, because we feel that same embarrassment speaking Japanese. Well, I do. K is a natural and his upbringing early in life in Japan is to thank for that. He has a perfect accent and can pronounce everything enough that, as I said earlier, they assume he's fluent. I, on the other hand, sound like a white person trying to speak Japanese.

We make it a point, when asking Japanese people to speak in English, to tell them their English pronunciation is very good. And we thank them profusely of course. Most of the time, their English really is good, and they have nothing to worry about.

This same weekend we went to a restaurant where you sign in instead of having a hostess take your name. They ask you if you want smoking or non-smoking in Kanji on this sheet and K and I had no idea what it meant. We eventually gave up when Google translate failed us for the second time that day. A girl who had been seated before us walked up to me and said she noticed we were trying to take pictures of it. I asked her if she could tell us what it meant and she did.

Despite them being uncomfortable speaking English, everyone here is very nice. If you meet a rude person in Japan, I'd bet money they weren't Japanese. Or they weren't brought up in Japan. They may look at us funny sometimes, especially the kids when we are further away from the base. But 99% of the time, everyone is kind, polite, and could care less that we're foreign in their country. At least, they don't express in a way I could tell. They may think it, but it doesn't show at all.

We took B to a park outside of the Starbucks we enjoy and a group of kids we assume came from the same neighborhood were out playing. One took an immediate liking to B and played with him specifically, trying to show him the way they were playing (tag, I assume) and helping him down the slide and such. B ran over to us and was so excited about this new friend. He loves older boys and thinks he's really cool when he gets to play with them. This boy was obviously an older sibling, he was natural with the way he treated B. K told B how to say hello to the boy in Japanese and we watched him run over and say it rushed and it didn't sound quite right. But the boy smiled and said it back to B and they ran off together. Later B was showing off and lifted his shirt to be silly, the boy laughed, but then stood up and immediately pulled B's shirt down and kind of ruffled his hair. K and I had to laugh, we had opened our mouths to tell B to put the shirt down right as the little boy put it down for him.

It was an amazing moment to watch. Our son communicated to this other kid, and they had such a good time playing. As the sun went down, the kids had to run off on their bikes and the boy made sure B saw him wave goodbye before riding off. It was a sweet moment, my heart was full. This little boy gave my son such a lovely evening and they didn't even speak the same language.

Again I am floored by the purity of children. Especially as the U.S. sees this horrific tragedy in Florida. The media tries to twist it for their own good, but here's the simple facts. 50+ people were slaughtered in an act of hate. It's that simple.

When two kids who don't even speak the same language can communicate and have fun together, why can't adults live in a society together without being so negative and hurtful to one another?

K and I have learned a lot about ourselves in the short time we've been in Japan. We don't know anyone, we don't speak their language at all, and for a while getting around was difficult. Not once have I felt a negative air in this country. Even when we ask them to speak English. They are so kind to us, a couple who has come into their land to live.

Japan isn't a perfect country by any means. Everyone has their flaws, every land, every government, every person. But the fact of the matter is that it is entirely possible to live in a positive way. And it's not something that you have to point the finger to do. It starts with you. Looking in the mirror, and decide to be loving, deciding to be kind, and decide to spread a positive image of yourself and who you are. People are going to be ignorant and annoying, but do you have to respond to them in the same way? No.

"Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13 

The Cool Parts of Being a Nerd.

I'm a writer. 

It's one of the only things I've ever identified with for most of my life. I started journalling at 10. In high school I wrote short stories. There was a period in my life where I didn't write very much at all outside of the occassional journalling. However, two years ago I took the hobby back up and I've never stopped.

I'm often told I should write a book. I don't personally think I have the talent nor the discipline to do that. However, a year and a half of majoring in English will tell you I had seriously considered it.

So what's the purpose of this post? The other day my husband made mention of the poor reading and writing level of most people in the U.S. It's not something that surprises me. 

I get asked a lot how I write so much, how I stay inspired, how I stay organized. And I think this habbit reflects on my reading and writing level.

Do you want to be smarter? Write? Or just overall have a better grasp of the  English language?

Read a book.

That isn't supposed to sound insulting it's just fact. Do you know how much I have read in my life? Have you ever seen Gilmore Girls? Consider me Rory. If you don't catch the reference then I will when I was in school I averaged a book a week. And let me tell you something, your family may complain about buying you something but they'll never complain about a book. My floor to ceiling bookshelf was packed full by the time I left my parents house. I love to read, I love physical books, but I've recently started reading the free books on iBooks.

Reading keeps your mind active. It's good for you. It doesn't matter what you're reading. You're engaging your brain, your imagination, and building your vocabulary. 

You may not think there's books out there for you? Well I say you haven't looked hard enough. Even nonfiction books have appeal. I've actually gotten very into bibliographies more than some fiction novels I have read.

If you want to write and be good at it, you have to be disciplined. Just like any other art, it takes practice and dedication. You don't just type out a story and expect it to be perfect the first go around.

If you want to be a writer than write. It's not for everyone. Just like painting, playing music, creating art is something that some people will always do better than you. It doesn't mean you suck, it means they're lucky. That's okay. 

Be disciplined. Write every day. If you want it as a job make it a job. I have always said when writing stops bringing me joy I'll stop. So far it hasn't and ice been writing for 15 years. 

But of course there are days I'm not inspired and don't feel like writing. But I feel worse if I don't write a thing versus writing something subpar. Or blogging. 

There's no point to this. It's how I work, how I operate. The more I write the more I stayed warmed up and can continue writing. If I let myself fall into a funk I take longer to get back into the groove of things.

Of course life happens and I have responsibilities to take care of. Writing is my hobby, and I make time for it when I can. Google Docs is an amazing app available on most platforms. I write on the go. Sitting on the bus, in the car, waiting for a table at a restaurant, etc.

I've always written during school. This week I had orientation and I filled up an entire notebook writing. I don't encourage you to ignore school or work to write. I simply concentrate better when I'm doing multiple things at once. It's weird, I know.

So there's some about me and my writing. Will I ever share my writing with the world? Probably not. For now I'm happy with the hole in the internet I write for. 

But I will share this. 

Minimizing Your Life

If I have learned anything at all from this move it is how little I actually need in my life. I almost feel like I could get rid of most of the things I left in storage because I just don't need it nor want it?

I've been virtually living out of a suitcase for almost 3 months. I am in the process of washing and cleaning all of our clothes that got shipped over and I find myself getting rid of most of them. I just don't need it, not to mention I don't have the room for all of it.

The best part about getting rid of all of this stuff is the opportunity to get more things. There really is something to replacing whatever it is you're buying.

Don't get me wrong, I love books, shoes, and my k-pop cd collection takes up two shelves on my tv stand. But everything else is just...unnecessary? And getting rid of stuff in Japan is hard. It's not like the U.S. where you can hop on ebay or simply drop off of a box at Vintage Value. I realize now, I don't care if I'm losing money getting rid of some of this stuff. It's just stuff and unfortunately sometimes that means getting rid of things that you think are worth money. Are they worth the stress of finding the money for it?

I realize now it's kind of suffocating to own so much? Going through it all, unpacking and trying to find space for it. It's making me feel overwhelmed and I don't like it at all. I enjoyed having very little to deal with. Especially with where I am in my life where we are going out a lot and the amount of laundry I have to do is something I just don't have time for.

So I guess the point of this post is to say, if you ever want to minimize your lifestyle, live out of a suitcase for a month. Just a month, don't allow yourself clothes from anywhere else in your house. Pick out whatever fits in the suitcase and work from that alone.

I think you'll be surprised how much you'll want to get rid of things afterwards.

Let All That You Do Be Done In Love

Today our agent was kind enough to take us to meet our neighbors. She translated for us an introduction to who we were and where we were living. While getting ready I put on a long sleeved shirt and a band aid over my tattoo on my wrist. Japan is a country that has a stigma against tattoos, and while it's not uncommon to see a foreigner with one, I wanted to respect their tradition and culture. I'm not ashamed of my tattoo, but I am respectful and try to be as mannerly as possible. Americans are not always welcomed here, and not everyone agrees the U.S. should be on their soil. After I arrived here a Marine was convicted for the rape and murder of a 20 year old woman in Okinawa. My husband and I discussed this at length, I said to him "isn't it a shame that the majority have to suffer because of the minority?" Obviously most Americans and soldiers do not act disrespectfully. But who will you notice on the streets? The quiet people who did as they should, or the loud obnoxious drunk ones?

My husband's response was perfect, "We just have to show them that we're not all like that." And thus, we try extra hard to insert friendliness and respect wherever we go in the country. We are ambassadors here and we choose to represent that part of our country that is often muted. The ones who aren't full of themselves, loud about their opinions, and often times very very wrong about their entire way of life.

I could go on for days about my dislike for the ignorant country the United States has become, but that's neither here nor there. Back to my tattoo...

My 4-year old could not understand why I was covering it. Why would someone be judgmental of this simple thing on my wrist? He said to me, "but mommy I don't want anyone to be mad at you because of your tattoo." I never said the people would be mad, but that's what he took away from my explanation of them not liking tattoos very much.

I found myself struck with that moment of, "if only people could look at the world the way a child does". Children are raised from the beginning to be loving, kind, sharing, accepting, etc. Where do we go wrong? Where do we suddenly decide we are better than someone else? When do we stop the love?

I often joke that I am the hippie of my family and everyone hates when I go on my rants, but it led me to a discussion about church, the Lord, and raising our son with my husband. I feel as though I was put on this Earth, not to judge, but to be a representation of Christ's love in my life. I have felt led to the places I am in now. I know He has loved and blessed me repeatedly. I hope to be an example of Him. I want people to know me and think "she was so kind" and if the fact that I was Christian comes in to play, I'm glad. I don't hide it, because the Lord is the reason I am here today. Not only because of the breath I have been given, but because of the low points I have reached and how He has called me out of the darkness so many times over.

I am not perfect. I do not always have a kind tongue or warm heart. Especially around those I am comfortable with, who know I can be stubborn and down right mean. Those are not characteristics I enjoy about myself. I constantly aim to change my behavior. I want to encourage others, not show them my nasty side.

My neighbors are lovely, and because of the neighborhood I am in, there are multiple family members in each home. I was greeted by the grandparents of both houses today and they were both the kindest, sweetest people. Knowing next to know English, I have little doubt they wouldn't help me if I needed it somehow.

If everyone acted like this, showed the love and stopped passing so much harsh judgement on each other, what would the world be like?

It takes no effort at all to be nasty, so why does it take effort to be nice?