Self-Reflection

Tonight the conversation with my husband took a turn, as it has done almost every night for the last month, for the dark.

I have started coming off of my medicine. A personal decision I have made to try to find the right way to keep my brain in a good place. So far, I have done wonderfully. I have had little side effects besides some physical things that I have been able to handle. The anxiety has been manageable. Everything that I've experienced I expected so it's been easier to handle.

Of course, it's still difficult to feel this impending doom of anxiety every night after the sun sets. However, tonight my husband made an observation that he's never made before, and it made me realize how far I've come.

This summer marks 3 years of recovering from a mental breakdown. Some people see mental breakdowns as different things. For me, the mental breakdown came in the form of severe anxiety every single day to the point that I was taking my son to my mother's house because I felt as though I could not properly take care of him.

A lot of outside factors took place in my life that brought me to that point but one thing came out of it; I promised myself I would never let my anxiety rule my life like that again.

My husband, who has been with me for 10 years now, pointed out that since that moment I have changed for the better. He explained it like this: I gave my mental illness a face, I made it a real and tangible thing. He said up until that point I had been trying to close everything off, but in reality I was walling myself into a small space. Once I released that hold anxiety had on me, and gave it this "face" I broke those walls down and started building out. He said to me, that giving anxiety this reality, this face, it could have gone one of two ways. It could have become overwhelming and scary, but it could have made it something I could square off and fight. I went the latter.

All of this, I have done subconsciously. Sure, in my mind I decided all of these things. However, my husband pointed out that since that moment I started speaking out about my anxiety. I put myself on the line and just come out with it. "I have anxiety disorder" It's not something that defines me anymore and I'm not afraid to speak out about it. He told me it's changed me for the better, it's helped me overcome this and it's helped him understand me better, help me more.

I chose to take this turn on my mental illness because 1. I never wanted to be in that place ever again. and 2. I wanted to help anyone else with mental illness in any way I could. Because I've been there, I never tried to commit suicide, I never planned to commit suicide; but I thought about it. I thought about it a lot, actually. For the first time in my life, I thought those horrible things of "the world is better off without me", "my husband and son will find someone better to love them",  "my family will move on".

I am fortunate enough to have an enormous support system. I was surrounded by friends and family who loved me. I depended fully on my mother for the first time in 25 years. She had to take care of my son, me, and she even took me to the doctor to tell the doctor what was going on because I couldn't even get over my anxiety enough to explain that I was falling apart inside.

I vowed to myself during that time to change. To get over this awful thing happening inside of me.

I am religious. I'd be lying to you if my religion didn't have a significant part to play in my healing process. I prayed a lot that summer. I fell to my knees, sobbing to my God to save me. To fix me. To give me meaning once again.

He listened.

I woke up the next day and had an epiphany. It was like flood gates opened and suddenly I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I knew what career I wanted and upon discussing it with my husband I was encouraged by hearing "that's a great choice for you--you'd be really good at that". I began to set goals for myself and slowly work towards them. I discovered my dream school and realized I could not afford to go, but it didn't make me feel anxious. At this point, I was fully reliant on God. A week later a job fell into my lap. I wasn't looking, I hadn't even shared with a lot of people that my school situation had become what it was.

Suddenly I found myself working full time, being a mother, and soon following was college full time.

I graduated this spring. I graduated Valedictorian of my class. When I was in high school I barely passed at all.

I did all of these things because I chose to square off to my anxiety.

I did all of these things because the Lord has led me down this path every step of the way. He has been so open with me, clearly leading me down roads when I struggle. Even now, I have had struggling moments and after meditation and prayer His answer becomes very clear to me.

Why write about it? Not to try to tell you to believe in God, but to believe in yourself. God helped me, he gave me the strength to do as much as I have as fast as I have. He also gives me free will. Free will to face my anxiety every day and tell it "not today".

I won't sit here and try to say it was easy. It wasn't easy at all. I have struggled, a lot. I have cried more in the past 3 years than I have my entire life. But I feel better afterwards. I let myself have my moment, I listen to my sad music, I sob, I panic, but I don't let it be the route of my thoughts anymore.

I am a new person, a stronger person.

I'm still scared out of my mind. I still question every decision I make. I often tell myself that I can't do this, this career path was just not for me.

But I'm getting a little closer every day and I've come to far at this point to let it win now.

Fight Club

Sometimes I feel like my life would be easier if I could just meet Satan in the pit and punch the bastard in the face.

I'm such a confrontational person, and this isn't something I'm proud of. Satan knows how to get to us best, and in my case it's through my mental illness. A bad day for a normal brain can usually be cleared up with some chocolate, a good sleep, a long bath, etc. For me it's a spiral into depression that I have to literally pull myself out of and it takes it's toll, physically and emotionally.

It's so much easier to give in, to sleep all day, to cry about hating everything, to cry about hating myself, to feel bad about myself.

But I'm not that person anymore. I've been doing so well, and I'm better at pulling myself out of these fogs, but it doesn't keep that SOB from trying anyway. When I pulled myself out of that terrible place 2 years ago, I used to visually imagining myself hitting Satan in the face with every thing I did for myself.

Wake up, hit him.
Take a shower, hit him.
Make myself eat something, hit him.
Get in the car and drive to the sanctuary that was my mother's house, watch him fall.

Now that my shields are stronger, my heart is stronger, my mind is stronger, it's a lot harder for him to get in. I'm short tempered, and I'm stubborn. I'm not the kind of person people want to make angry. So it drives me nuts, when I feel these fogs coming in, and as much as I try to stop it my brain is sick, and it can only do so much. And I know it's him. I know it's evil. And the confrontational side of me is screaming at him to come see me in person and fight me like evil should instead of lurking in the shadows of my mind.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. But I have long since decided my mental illness no longer defines who I am or what I do. I am a firm believer that you can take charge of your life and pull yourself up and do something. I'm living proof of that. It doesn't come easily, and I thank the Lord for my provisions. He gave me the tools, but I did the effort. I decided to stop crying every day. I decided to stop living in a constant state of anxiety. I went out and got the help I needed spiritually and mentally.

I hate that I have to rely on medication, but that's something I know I can come to terms with too.

I'm not the weak person I was 2 years ago. And even though the fog comes in sometimes, it always clears.

If nothing else, I hope that my life will help others see that they too can overcome anything. I truly believe this. I wouldn't be where I am in life if I didn't.

Go after your dreams, whether it's overcoming a mental illness or doing something in life, do it. Evil can't stop you.

Patience is the hardest test the Lord has ever given me.

As B starts school, and I am left to my own devices for hours at a time, I have found myself lost. Well, I have found myself lost since the realization of how little time I have until I graduate is. It's funny, because moving out here I never felt more sure of anything before in my life. I was confident that the Lord was leading me to this exact spot in life, and I still feel that way.

So, when I moved out here, and the confusion set in of "what next?" I found myself lost again. I have growing anxieties over a lot of things in my life. The first was my career path. Am I doing this for real? Is this a stupid dream? Am I just being silly? And despite the encouragement from my husband and best friends, I feel as though I was still floundering.

I turned to the Lord, because when I get to these mental places in my life I spiral. It starts small, simple stressors become something far worse. And when it's all over, I'm left in the fetal position crying hysterically and wondering why I even am here in the first place. Nothing is a coincidence, and I firmly believe that. The Lord gave me K. I don't know why, and I don't feel like I deserve him at all, but here he is. By my side. Always believing in me.

I picked up a devotional recently and began daily devotions. A lot of those devotions have spoken to me, and a lot of it is repeated answers.

Patience. Wait on the Lord, listen to Him, meditate on His Word.

It's hard, because the Lord didn't give me a lot of patience to begin with. So this is a new trait I have to dig out of myself. I watch a lot of Criminal Minds, and because they talk about psychological functions behind the behavior patters of the criminals, I am fascinated by it. I was watching one episode and one of the agents was afraid to fly. The other agent made the remark about how the fear of flying comes from a need to be in control. And I was like "Well, duh." But it's me. It's who I am. I have the need to be in control, because without control my anxiety would send my back to that fetal position I mentioned earlier.

Through this devotional I have heard the Lord's calling. The career path I am on, the direction I am headed is the direction He wants me to take. And I try to remind myself (as does He) of that all the time. My own fears in myself are from myself. I am standing in my own way.

And on another coin is my family. I struggle so much with the idea of having another baby. My heart has began to feel so torn by this idea that I get sick over it. Do I want a baby because of guilt? I cannot imagine my life without my sister and brother in it. In fact, if you were to ask me to pick out two people I trust the most on this Earth, it would be them. They are my heart and soul. I have lived periods of my life for them and them alone. So I feel this immense guilt that I am not giving someone like that to B. I hate myself for it. I am near a navy base and I'm surrounded by people growing their families every day. And I know, in my heart of hearts, I'd love and adore another child. It would bring great joy into our lives. And I used to think that because of my career choices I shouldn't have one, but now I think a little less of that thought. And again I am left lost and confused. Wondering what direction should I take. You hear it from both sides "have one" "dont have one" everyone needs to have an opinion about your own life. At the end of the day I just cry out, "Lord just tell me what to do! I don't know anymore!"

Isaiah 40 says, "Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

As I grow closer in my walk with Christ, I know he will lead me to all of my answers. I may not be a patient person, but I am a faithful one. I know He has a plan for me and my family, and the people I love. I know He has put us in certain places in our lives for a reason. And even though my anxious mind makes my life a bit harder than I'd like, my heart rests fully on Him.

Despite these anxieties, I feel good. I feel empowered, and I know this path is where I belong. And I am grateful I know Christ's love and have his hand to lead me.

How to Adult?

Today I traveled to Tokyo to attend a concert alone. This is may not seem like a big deal to you, but to me it was a huge step. I often don't leave K's side in this country because his Japanese far surpasses my own. But I set off on this adventure and was successful. The train systems in Japan are crazy, but with the help of Google I only got mixed up one time up and was able to get straight home without a problem. I was able to get coffees and my seat at the venue. Even stopped in a side shop to buy a present for B.

(Japan isn't like the states, traveling alone is not a scary and dangerous thing here so don't freak out.)

I think a lot about how the Lord has led me to where I am today. How I woke up and had this sudden change of heart. He heard my prayers and He answered them. He gave me guidance and strength and placed new dreams into my heart.

Sometimes I think about where I was mentally two years ago and where I am at today and I'm so proud of myself. Two years ago the thought of moving to another country wasn't even possible. I couldn't handle it. Today I traveled in a foreign country where I don't speak the language at all, and I got more lost in the venue than I did traveling. You can absolutely overcome anything if you set your mind to it and I feel like I am living proof of that. 

I have had the help of the Lord, but it takes more than prayers to get somewhere. You have to be willing to build off of His strength and work hard. I still have a lot of problems with my anxiety. I still make K do phone calls for me, or come into the doctor with me. But I also force myself to overcome my mental illness and learn to get past it. Not longer is it something I let hold me back, it's something I learn to move beyond.

I'm just really proud of myself more than anything. I have a long way to go, but the steps you move past getting there make the journey worth it.

What is anxiety to me?

"High-functioning anxiety sounds like…

You’re not good enough. You’re a bad friend. You’re not good at your job. You’re wasting time. You’re a waste of time. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you. You’re so needy. What are you doing with yourself? Why would you say that? What if they hate it? Why can’t you have your shit together? You’re going to get anxious and because you’re going to get anxious, you’re going to mess everything up. You’re a fraud. Just good at faking it. You’re letting everybody down. No one here likes you.

All the while, it appears perfectly calm.

It’s always looking for the next outlet, something to channel the never-ending energy. Writing. Running. List-making. Mindless tasks (whatever keeps you busy). Doing jumping jacks in the kitchen. Dancing in the living room, pretending it’s for fun, when really it’s a choreographed routine of desperation, trying to tire out the thoughts stuck in your head."

I always struggle to find a way to explain anxiety to people who don't understand it. I'm often told "wow I would have never guessed you have anxiety" this is why. If I stop for even a second and let my mind win then I fall into this pit of despair. I often turn to the bad wife/bad mom area. And that's when I end up in a depressed state and fall apart. 

I try to share the posts and quotes I find that help me explain my anxiety better. "What do you do when you have a panic attack?" I just do everything in my power to stop thinking and just stop. That's all I can do. I fight myself all day every day and with the help of medication that fight is a little easier, but it's still there. Pestering me. It's like having a demon inside of you that is trying to convince you how absolutely worthless you are and that you don't deserve anything. 

And that's anxiety for me.