Leelish

Some days I really miss my grandmother. This month we passed the 3 year anniversary of her death, it came and went just like any other day. I had even forgotten until later in the week, and I thought to myself, "Well maybe I am finally healing?" But truth is, I don't think I will ever heal from her loss. She was someone so very special to me, a glue that kept our family together. It still shocks me that she's gone. As morbid as this sounds, since she has passed, I no longer fear death. As mortals, it's so easy to fear something we don't know. It's a scary thought to be gone forever, but now I know she'll be waiting for me. I look forward to death only so I can finally see her again. I've never felt that way until she passed. She was such a kind and loving spirit, and I was so looking forward to her meeting B, something that never happened in this mortal world. I often think, should I have put her hand on my belly while she was on her breathing tube? Should I have let her feel him move and kick? Did she die so that he could live? Weird things like that used to plague my mind. Now I just wish she was here to tell me in person how adorable he is and how much she loves him. When he was first born I felt her around a lot. I had a hard time with my anxiety and learning to balance over-protectiveness and neglect. I wanted to be a good mom without suffocating him. The first few nights I couldn't sleep because I was terrified he'd stop breathing for no reason. And one night I felt her, I can't explain it I just knew she was there by his bassinet. It's like she said, "It's okay, I'll watch him, you sleep." And I slept so good after that because I knew my baby had the most amazing guardian angels. Kurt's grandparents are passed as well, and I often amused myself by the group of passed grandparents swooning over my baby while he slept. Going back to heaven and telling the family all about how amazing B is. There's a lot of hormones happening post birth, don't judge me. I don't really feel her anymore. Not like I used to anyway. I know she's always watching over me and stuff, but her presence isn't as strong in my house and it makes moving on even harder. Maybe this depressing post is a testimony to how much this woman was loved. I could never imagine life without her and now I am living it and it is hell. It never gets easier, you only forget more. The second you remember, the hurt comes back ten fold. I believe that she is in heaven now watching over us. I believe that one day we will see each other again, and I believe I mourned her properly and have tried to continue on with my life. I am not a depressed lunatic who can't get over her grandmother's death. I just miss her. A lot. And those who have gone through this know exactly what I mean.

As if normal anxiety wasn't enough.

Pregnant anxiety is the worst I have ever felt. My husband has left for a friend's bachelor party in Las Vegas. For some reason, I have cried every single day he has been gone. I hate being in the house alone, I hate not having him here. I'm absolutely miserable without him and TERRIFIED of having another panic attack. They've been someone of the worst I have ever had.
I just miss him so much. And it really shows me how much I love him and need him in my life. I don't know what I would do without him.

Feeling really nauseous lately as well. Wanting to throw up all the time, but never actually doing it. And finally, getting car sick while I'm the one driving.

I probably have 4 more weeks of this before my body finally starts calming down a little bit. I have no idea what to do until then except hope for the best. I have great friends that are spending the evenings with me and keeping me company until bed time. And good family that I can always call and wake up in the middle of the night. I'm very grateful for everything I have.

But I sure hope this weekend flies by.