Journalling or Blogging?

After the baby was born I began to juggle journalling in an actual journal I keep on my nightstand and blogging on here. It's obvious which one gets the most attention, I think. I just completed the first journal for B. He's 2 and a half months old right now and I could not be more excited about his life. It's so amazing and fun to watch him learn, grow, and discover the world around him. I just set up one of those little floor mat gyms and he's laying on it going nuts. Back to my point. I began to journal to him, talking to him as I wrote about us learning each other every day. If I don't have something to write I decided to put down a memory instead. A memory of my life, my grandmother, or my husband. Things that I, unfortunately, will not always remember but I want him to know about. So here I am, a full journal already completed for him to put in his keepsake box and give him when I feel he is ready. I've been completely honest while journalling to him, not keeping out my hard points of life. He should know everything we went through together as a family; the good and the bad. I've thought about what I will do if I have more children. I've decided to type up this first journal to B and keep it as a word document on my computer. So then my other children can have these memories I am writing down and know more about my life if they want. The second reason is because, let's face it, my handwriting is not perfect and the pages and ink will eventually fade. I'll be doing everyone a favor by having it typed up for them. Now I just have to actually sit down and do it. I also want to copy these blogs and keep them in a Word Document as well because I don't know if this website will always exist and I have some pretty important moments of my life kept on here. I got married, pregnant, and gave birth on this blog and I plan on raising my children with it as well. I love to write so I guess this kind of stuff just comes easy to me. I want to take the time and journal to my other children as well, even if it means sacrificing some sleep to do so. I want them to be able to look back and have these memories when I pass and be able to show it to their children as well. So off to a new month of B's life. A new journal, a new chapter, a new day.

The Wedding Day

It's finally here. I woke up two weeks ago and thought, "Shit. I have a ton of stuff left to do and it's only two weeks away."

Let me go ahead and tell you about the week I'm having, because emotionally my body is ready to check out. This is why there are honeymoons.

Monday: I did absolutely nothing, I relaxed and got ready for the week that was to come.
Tuesday: Cleaned my entire house, got to see new husband's brother and sister-in-law when they flew in.
Wednesday: Got the call that my grandmother was rushed to the hospital with severe tremors through the lower half of her body. They found a mass on her chest and something on her brain. She was rushed to John Hopkins.
Thursday: The bachelorette party. It was an awesome day with friends and an amazing time, I really needed it. Found out later that night that my photographer was sick and could not do the wedding. Also, the new husband's tux was still not in.
Friday: Woke up and found out that my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer. Still able to make it to my wedding. I was devestated but made it through the day. Final word that my brother also could not make it to the wedding and had someone step in. Later in the evening I found out that my grandmother has two massive tumors on her brain and a bunch of little ones. She will not come to my wedding. Spent the evening breaking down and grieving harder than I have in a very long time. Ended up staying the night with the new husband because I needed him more than ever.
Saturday: This is it. Today's the day. I'm waiting for 12:30 to roll around so that I can go get my hair done. I feel awful. I want it all to be done. And I'm sick of people telling me how beautiful today is going to be. It's not. I'm hurting inside more than I have since my dad served in the war. I don't know how I can keep the smile on my face, but I'll manage. The new husband...we're getting married for a reason, he understands me and he knows what I'm going through. I don't know why I'll bother with make up because I just can't see this working out. The make up I mean. I'm crying because I know the show must still go on even though someone most dear to me is suffering very much. I have to smile for her and only for her. If she sees even for a second that I'm sad, it will break her heart.

*big sigh, lots of breathing* In 5 hours I'll be walking down the aisle. Finally.