Opening My Heart

At the beginning of this week I was feeling troubled. It's troubles that have been following me around all summer long. My graduation date looms ahead of me and I am uncertain of how to set about my future and where to go. I've felt distanced from the Lord. He has lead me this far and to this point, and I suddenly felt like I couldn't hear Him anymore. What am I supposed to do next? How am I supposed to learn these languages that are so hard? How am I supposed to finish this degree and find a job in 6 months? How come I can't find a job now? How am I supposed to be okay with little B going to school and being left alone at home all day long?

I was by myself with B earlier this week while K was away on travel. We visited the base virtually every day because I find comfort there when I don't have K. I was walking through the book section in the NEX and I picked up a daily devotional. I turned to the day (the 27th) and it was about worries. It spoke about how you do not need to have all of the answers in order to stop worrying. Leaning on the Lord for support and trusting in Him will help. It struck me that this was the devotional and it was something I was struggling with; so I bought the book.

As the days have gone by this week I've done all of the devotions and really tried to let go of my anxieties and listen to the Lord to be able to hear Him again. All week I felt restless and unsettled, and I was wondering to myself if I would ever be able to get it right. I began to question myself. Were these dreams really what the Lord had set in my heart or was I after selfish things?

Tonight I sat down with my devotional and it quoted Deuteronomy 32:11. "Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them, bearing them on its pinions," The mother eagle pushes her babies out of the nest in order to encourage them to fly. The Lord pushes us out of our comfort zone to do the same. He has a plan, He knows what He is doing.

All week I stumbled upon videos of YouTubers discussing their own ambitions and going after their own hopes and dreams. It made me feel inspired a bit, and it made me not question myself as much. And then tonight I read that devotional and it dawned on me that the Lord was speaking to me, I just needed to stop and listen.

I truly believe He placed the dreams and goal in my heart for a reason. Obviously we all have a purpose, but my own goals are something that some people may look at funny. However, I feel led by the Lord and I have felt led by him since the first day I realized what I wanted to do as a career. I don't believe in coincidences, every step I've made to get to where I am today I have felt pushed to do so.

I need to remind myself that going after my career isn't selfish. I need to remind myself that the dreams and goals I have set are ones I can accomplish if I work hard and step out of that comfort zone. I have come this far, I live in a foreign country and I am learning two foreign languages while completing a degree. I can do this and I have the Lord on my side every step of the way.

I tend to let myself believe that there are people in my life who do not believe in me. But I think the reality is that the person standing in my way is me. I am doubting myself and spreading the anxiety in my own mind.

I knew going into this new life I wanted that it wouldn't be easy. But as I hit those harder hills I really let myself get down and out about it. I want to hold on to this feeling, this inspiration, and these goals. I want to keep reminding myself that He is the holding my hand and leading me every step of the way. I need to stop standing in my own way.

I'm not stressed, just taking my overwhelmed-ness with style...

This month I had two classes instead of my normal 1. Which means the 20-30 hours of work I get in a class is now 40-60 hours. On top of working 40 hours a week, and oh yeah, I'm a mom.

Luckily a blizzard came through and I was able to kill 90% of my homework during that time. However, my house is still a mess (and now salt is tracked through it despite my best efforts), my homework still isn't finished, laundry isn't done, and I'm moving out of the country in a couple of months.

I would just like to make a shout out to the United States Postal Service for being, by far, the most unhelpful waste of my time I have ever had to deal with. I should have to A.) Pay over $100 for a passport and B.) Have to physically make an appointment at the post office and then proceed to come back to get the service taken care of. It's 2016, the internet exists for a reason. At least let me set my appointment up online!

On top of already losing my birth certificate and marriage license this year, the USPS now has the new copies for "X" amount of months and I still have to take those original copies to someone in the government for a different type of passport. And to clarify, I am the one that lost the certificates, not the USPS.

So long story short, getting paperwork done is stressful enough without having my own stupidness making it worse.

And as much time as I have spent on moving stuff around my house from one room to another, I feel beyond overwhelmed. I know I am making life easier for myself by organizing things. I know I am actually taking big chunks out of the moving process. But now there's piles of stuff in every room in my house and my OCD is not feeling it.

I will be happy the day the movers show up and clear out my house. Because despite the fact that I am trusting other people to touch my stuff (Lord be with me and my anxiety), I will at least have until May to not have to worry about that.

If this jumbled mess of thoughts doesn't say it enough. I'm kind of overwhelmed with life. I am just trying really hard to pretend that I'm not.

Journalling or Blogging?

After the baby was born I began to juggle journalling in an actual journal I keep on my nightstand and blogging on here. It's obvious which one gets the most attention, I think. I just completed the first journal for B. He's 2 and a half months old right now and I could not be more excited about his life. It's so amazing and fun to watch him learn, grow, and discover the world around him. I just set up one of those little floor mat gyms and he's laying on it going nuts. Back to my point. I began to journal to him, talking to him as I wrote about us learning each other every day. If I don't have something to write I decided to put down a memory instead. A memory of my life, my grandmother, or my husband. Things that I, unfortunately, will not always remember but I want him to know about. So here I am, a full journal already completed for him to put in his keepsake box and give him when I feel he is ready. I've been completely honest while journalling to him, not keeping out my hard points of life. He should know everything we went through together as a family; the good and the bad. I've thought about what I will do if I have more children. I've decided to type up this first journal to B and keep it as a word document on my computer. So then my other children can have these memories I am writing down and know more about my life if they want. The second reason is because, let's face it, my handwriting is not perfect and the pages and ink will eventually fade. I'll be doing everyone a favor by having it typed up for them. Now I just have to actually sit down and do it. I also want to copy these blogs and keep them in a Word Document as well because I don't know if this website will always exist and I have some pretty important moments of my life kept on here. I got married, pregnant, and gave birth on this blog and I plan on raising my children with it as well. I love to write so I guess this kind of stuff just comes easy to me. I want to take the time and journal to my other children as well, even if it means sacrificing some sleep to do so. I want them to be able to look back and have these memories when I pass and be able to show it to their children as well. So off to a new month of B's life. A new journal, a new chapter, a new day.