Fight Club

Sometimes I feel like my life would be easier if I could just meet Satan in the pit and punch the bastard in the face.

I'm such a confrontational person, and this isn't something I'm proud of. Satan knows how to get to us best, and in my case it's through my mental illness. A bad day for a normal brain can usually be cleared up with some chocolate, a good sleep, a long bath, etc. For me it's a spiral into depression that I have to literally pull myself out of and it takes it's toll, physically and emotionally.

It's so much easier to give in, to sleep all day, to cry about hating everything, to cry about hating myself, to feel bad about myself.

But I'm not that person anymore. I've been doing so well, and I'm better at pulling myself out of these fogs, but it doesn't keep that SOB from trying anyway. When I pulled myself out of that terrible place 2 years ago, I used to visually imagining myself hitting Satan in the face with every thing I did for myself.

Wake up, hit him.
Take a shower, hit him.
Make myself eat something, hit him.
Get in the car and drive to the sanctuary that was my mother's house, watch him fall.

Now that my shields are stronger, my heart is stronger, my mind is stronger, it's a lot harder for him to get in. I'm short tempered, and I'm stubborn. I'm not the kind of person people want to make angry. So it drives me nuts, when I feel these fogs coming in, and as much as I try to stop it my brain is sick, and it can only do so much. And I know it's him. I know it's evil. And the confrontational side of me is screaming at him to come see me in person and fight me like evil should instead of lurking in the shadows of my mind.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. But I have long since decided my mental illness no longer defines who I am or what I do. I am a firm believer that you can take charge of your life and pull yourself up and do something. I'm living proof of that. It doesn't come easily, and I thank the Lord for my provisions. He gave me the tools, but I did the effort. I decided to stop crying every day. I decided to stop living in a constant state of anxiety. I went out and got the help I needed spiritually and mentally.

I hate that I have to rely on medication, but that's something I know I can come to terms with too.

I'm not the weak person I was 2 years ago. And even though the fog comes in sometimes, it always clears.

If nothing else, I hope that my life will help others see that they too can overcome anything. I truly believe this. I wouldn't be where I am in life if I didn't.

Go after your dreams, whether it's overcoming a mental illness or doing something in life, do it. Evil can't stop you.