I'm not stressed, just taking my overwhelmed-ness with style...

This month I had two classes instead of my normal 1. Which means the 20-30 hours of work I get in a class is now 40-60 hours. On top of working 40 hours a week, and oh yeah, I'm a mom.

Luckily a blizzard came through and I was able to kill 90% of my homework during that time. However, my house is still a mess (and now salt is tracked through it despite my best efforts), my homework still isn't finished, laundry isn't done, and I'm moving out of the country in a couple of months.

I would just like to make a shout out to the United States Postal Service for being, by far, the most unhelpful waste of my time I have ever had to deal with. I should have to A.) Pay over $100 for a passport and B.) Have to physically make an appointment at the post office and then proceed to come back to get the service taken care of. It's 2016, the internet exists for a reason. At least let me set my appointment up online!

On top of already losing my birth certificate and marriage license this year, the USPS now has the new copies for "X" amount of months and I still have to take those original copies to someone in the government for a different type of passport. And to clarify, I am the one that lost the certificates, not the USPS.

So long story short, getting paperwork done is stressful enough without having my own stupidness making it worse.

And as much time as I have spent on moving stuff around my house from one room to another, I feel beyond overwhelmed. I know I am making life easier for myself by organizing things. I know I am actually taking big chunks out of the moving process. But now there's piles of stuff in every room in my house and my OCD is not feeling it.

I will be happy the day the movers show up and clear out my house. Because despite the fact that I am trusting other people to touch my stuff (Lord be with me and my anxiety), I will at least have until May to not have to worry about that.

If this jumbled mess of thoughts doesn't say it enough. I'm kind of overwhelmed with life. I am just trying really hard to pretend that I'm not.

Sleep-1 B-0

My B had been a sleeping nightmare since this past weekend! Saturday night he woke up at 3 am and stayed crying for a solid 30 minutes before going back to sleep.

The night before last he refused to fall asleep unless he was in bed with us. I finally left him in his room at 2 and he cried until he fell asleep 25 minutes later.

Last night I was more careful to monitor nap time and keep the bed time routine in check and he went to bed willingly for me at 9:45 pm. However, 5 am like clockwork he's up crying. I went into his room and consoled him. I told him if he laid down I would stay in there with him, but he refused. So I said okay and that I loved him and good night. I went into my room, turned on the bathroom fan to drown him out a little so K could sleep, and it only took him 10 minutes to fall asleep. I don't know if it was the fan noise getting into his room or if it was because he was more hysterical than normal.

I've tried it all. I can't sit in his room because it makes it worse. He wants to be in my arms and in my bed. I never let him sleep in my bed so I'm not entirely sure why he's decided he needs to be in bed with us. He's been doing this for months now off and on. Last time around I started giving him allergy medicine every day and he slept thorough the night fine. So I do wonder if he's having some reaction to the enormous amount of pollen in the air and it's just not something I can physically see.

Either way, I've also made sure naps are no more than 2 hours and our routine at night is always the same. He is a night owl like his momma and that's a problem! 

The hardest part about it is staying strong while he's screaming "mommy! Mommy!" In his room. At 3 am you are so tired and it hits you right in your heart! Regardless, I think the solution for B is being told he's loved and leaving him to go back to sleep on his own. He has a music box from his late grandmother, but I don't think it's working anymore. He's just plain stubborn and two. A hard combination.

Luckily I have had a lot of great support from other moms of two year olds and older. They've given me some great feedback or just a plain "stay strong!" And that helps a lot. Sometimes you feel like you're alone in this terrible toddler life, but it's never true. 

So, let's hope 10 minutes turns to 5 tonight! 

Spring Break

Spring is here and thus comes more activities with Easter, Spring Break, nice weather, etc.

We have been busy. We have visited the easter bunny, gone egg hunting, and I have been getting ready for B's birthday party. I cannot believe Easter is already this weekend! It's like April came and went in a flash.

B got his birthday present early this year. We got him a slide that he can climb over and under. I got it at a consignment fair and he has not stopped sliding on it since! He is thrilled and he definitely uses it to climb all over instead of me and my couch! It definitely has helped a lot on these rainy afternoons.

I've been re-watching That 70's Show. Have you ever watched the entire series the whole way through? It's on Netflix and I highly recommend it. It's such a hilarious show and I have watched it the entire way through at least 4 times. It's one of my favorite shows and one of the only shows whose series finale did it justice.

So there is what you can do next time you're bored!

Musical B

My little B is such a talented kid musically. He may not be talking, but he's singing! Today we were running errands and Katy Perry's "Roar" came on the radio; and the part where she's singing "roar" over and over and building B sang with her. At the climax of the song he made a real big face and sang it real loud. It was literally perfect and precious. I think I will miss these moments the most as he is in between talking and using his own chatter. We finished our errands around nap time and B started to drift off in the car and I turned on our favorite song. I used to sing it to him when he was a baby and he would always fall asleep. The song is "Fix You" by Cold Play, but my favorite version is sung by Tyler Ward and Boyce Avenue. I have that version on my ipod and when B is falling asleep in the car I will turn it on and he falls asleep without fail. I love to sing it to him and I love the words behind the song. I feel like it delivers a message of love and support and that's what I want B to know while growing up. That his mom and dad always love and support him. Here are the lyrics of the song and the video of the version I like the best. I hope it makes your day better.
Here is the video

When you try your best, but you don't succeed When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you And high up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you Tears stream down your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down your face And I... Tears stream down your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down your face And I... Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you

Mom Life

I am so blessed to be a stay at home mother in this economy. It is a blessing I try very hard not to take for granted. Especially on days like yesterday when no matter what I did B reacted negatively. He was fussy, whiny, and cried over everything! I have been struggling with the latest change in doses of my medicine and my patience just ended. I ended up snapping at B and yelling at him. This made me feel guilty, thus resulting in me crying. This cause B to cry and be concerned about me. Yesterday was not a good day. Days like that are hard to find the positive outlook on life. Especially when you already feel anxious and depressed. Being a mom is even harder. I run my household, plan meals, clean, and raise a beautiful little boy. And even with dream jobs you can have a bad day. I just hate having those bad days because I feel inadequate as a mother. Why can't I handle this? Why do I have to feel so depressed about silly things? Luckily I have a great support group. My hubby came home from lunch, my mom called me on her break, and I have a wonderful group of moms that I can talk to and vent to. I am so blessed and grateful to God for the blessings in my life. Even in my bad days I can take a time out and count my blessings. This is the start to turning a negative day positive. It's never easy and no one is perfect, but it's still worth trying.

Wont You Be My Neighbor?

K recently told me that there is a show on Netflix that B has been very interested in, and it was a PBS show so we were both happy. I didn't put much thought into it until I watched a show start from finish one day. The show I am talking about is Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. I PBS spin-off of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood and his make believe land that the trolley would visit. I was immediately thrown back into my own toddler self. Mr. Roger's was my main man for a while. I loved watching him go explore different things, I loved his fish tank, his sweaters always made me happy that they matched his shoes, and make believe land was a fun trip. Daniel Tiger lives in make believe land, the king is there and everything! I couldn't believe it! In the specific episode I watched, he went to the post office with his mom and there was a cartoon version of the mail man who always visited Mr. Rogers! I was immediately excited about this being B's new favorite show (seriously every time he turns on Netflix he turns it on). One episode he watched yesterday was about anger and how to calm down from getting angry about something. Little B has a bad temper, so I was very glad to see a show like this existed. I appreciate Disney Junior and every show on it; I feel like there are lessons in each show. However, where Disney Junior seems to offer more scholastic lessons, Daniel Tiger seems to offer more emotional lessons. Exploring how kids feel when they lose a favorite toy, when their parents leave them for a bit, and when they get upset about something. They explore those feelings and they do not discredit them, but encourage kids to work through them. I really appreciated the show's meanings. Anyway, I was more excited about hearing that familiar tune at the beginning of the episode and watching Daniel put on a sweater and riding the trolley. What a cool idea for a television show! And now my little B gets to grow up watching something so familiar to my own favorite! On an unrelated note, B has begun talking a bit more! We are watching a friend's little one who talks quite a bit and has been for awhile. I had always hoped while watching her, that B would pick up on some words. Well, this morning it was like the switch turned on. "Oh, she's actually communicating to mom and dad. Not just saying nonsense like me." Suddenly he threw out the words, "yay", "bye", and "wa wa". Such a big step from the one and only "ball" we have been hanging on to for months now. Don't get me wrong, B will talk your ear off! Unfortunately, he speaks his own language. I cannot believe I will soon be able to communicate with him like two normal human beings! The more he grows, the more in awe I am at the fast developments of children. They learn SO much in such a short amount of time and they learn it from us! How cool is that? I cannot believe my little baby is a little boy and continuing to grow! I don't think I will ever get over it! I will be the embarrassing mom at his graduation saying how just yesterday he was in diapers! I'm okay with that.

Motivational Wednesday

Because my last post was so gross and full of complaints, I feel complied to equal out my complaining with being positive. Hopefully I can motivate some friends and family in the process of explaining how I motivate myself. First and foremost I like to start off by saying I truly believe that you are in charge of your own happiness. You can wake up in the morning and have slept poorly, missed your cup of coffee, and decide the day is going to be crap. Or you can decide to treat yourself to an extra special lunch and keep a smile on your face. Each day is how you make it and if you decide to be a spoil sport about life, well your day is bound to suck. I'm not saying this is an easy task. Clearly when you are in a bad mood it's not easy just "getting over it". And when someone tells you to "get over it" it usually ends up making you more crabby. The challenge is to try. It's like a habit, the more you try the more positive you become on a daily basis. So next time you are having a bad day I challenge you to take a step back and focus on your attitude. Can you change it for the better? The next thing I like to try to do is say a prayer. I like to take a moment and humble myself and chat with God about what's going on. Ask for His help in my attitude change, and most importantly, thank Him for my blessings. Because as always, things could be worse. Usually my little frustrations are something others wish could be their own frustrations instead of what they are dealing with. Example; I was sitting in the doctor's office with B to figure out why he had been throwing up on and off for two weeks straight. I hate having to take him to the doctors, and I hated that he was sick. It hadn't been the best day and I was a bit sour about it. Then walked in someone I graduated high school with. Mind you, I graduated in 2007, not even 10 years ago. In that short amount of time this young person had been married, had children, had step children, and lost their significant other very suddenly to a disease that came so quick. They had no warning, the person got sick and died in a very short amount of time. This person is my age and now they are trying to raise multiple children and mourn the loss of their love? What a way to put your life into perspective. Here I am with my precious B who is not deathly ill, and I am texting my husband about waiting so long in the waiting room. What a life I have! It's a beautiful one and I NEVER want to take it for granted! Humble yourself and pray. Sometimes that simple act can change your day. As much as I can have bad days and bad moods; working out and eating healthier have changed my life. I am trying to force myself into this lifestyle change. I am working on making exercise a routine and stop the buying of junk food. It's not easy at all, but what little I have already incorporated into my life makes me feel significantly better on a daily basis. I feel better about myself and my self esteem. Even if I only do about 10 minutes of floor work in a day, that's better than doing nothing. And that's the attitude I try to keep. Something is better than nothing at all. Even if it is only taking a small walk outside, at least you got off of your couch! One step at a time, baby steps DO count and they SHOULD make you feel better about yourself! Missing a day of working out is not the end of the world, just add another 5 minutes the next day. And like I said, at least you're doing something! What have you done for yourself today? Always take a few minutes of the day for yourself. Sometimes this is near impossible, especially as a parent. Sometimes you have to sacrifice sleep in order to have these few minutes. That's okay. Sometimes my few minutes is me hiding in the bathroom after K comes home and simply getting on my phone to play a game for a few minutes. With the bathroom fan on, I cannot hear the commotion going on outside of the door and I can find my center. These are just some of the things that I do to help myself out of my funks. Sometimes it takes more, sometimes I need to hide away in the basement after dinner and watch television or read a trashy book. And sometimes I just need to take a step back and force myself to "get over it". This morning I forced myself to get things done, I slowly hacked away at my to do list and the more I did the more motivation I had to KEEP at it. Soon, my to do list was complete and I feel amazing about myself. All because I kicked myself in the butt and forced the work out. I hope this helps some of you to get motivated and feel better about yourself. You are in charge of your own happiness! You can do it!

Galentine's Day

Snow storm "Pax" has made it's way to Southern Maryland. We down at the end here were not hit too hard last night! Just hard enough to be kept in from school's and the base employees to take liberal leave. B was still able to go to his Valentine's party with his friends and mom got some grocery shopping done at Target. Unfortunately, our adventure we had planned to Disney On Ice was cancelled! We were not happy about this! We are hoping to be able to hit another showing this weekend, but snow has started falling again as night fell on the town! Tina and I decided to make the most of it and B got his Valentine's Day present early! Tonight we went to one of our favorite restaurants, Ruddy Duck, for dinner followed by PJs and The Jungle Book!

Funny story about Jungle Book; my mom used to play it for me all the time. According to her, I would be quiet and watch the whole movie and she was able to take a nap after my brother was born. As an adult, I remember hating this movie growing up. I have sore memories of King Louie and the snake with the creepy eyes. And the end was sad because the kid had to actually be a human and it basically underlines the fact that you can have some fun in life, but you always have to face responsibilities and reality at the end of the day. Either way, B is obsessed with animals, particularly the jungle ones so I thought this movie might be right up his alley. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to be that into it. We will try again another day.

Book Worm

My little man is quite the avid reader. He will pull book after book off of the book case if you keep offering to read them to him. He has always been this way, since he could touch a book. He is the same with movies. If he is upset or bored, I will turn on a movie and BOOM instant gratification from him. He loves Disney and almost any Disney movie will please him. He absolutely loves Brave and Hercules. A recent favorite has become Robin Hood; which was my favorite growing up so that makes me happy. His current favorite books are "Animal Strike at the Zoo" and "Star Wars 123" which speaks highly of his interests right now. I decided recently on a Zoo theme for his birthday party this year because he absolutely loves animals. He has many animal books that he will go to over and over and he is particularly fond of giraffes and elephants. I'm really excited because he also LOVES to play with balls and I found Zoo themed beach balls! Anyway, these are his two favorite books...

Another thing B is huge on is music. This kid tries to play "drums" and taps his hands on things, claps to the beat of the music, and dances. He dances and sings along to everything. He would match our pitch almost perfectly at 18 months and he now will finish singing some of his favorite songs if we sing the beginning lines. It astounds just how musically talented he is already at such a young age. I often see him growing up to be the next teen pop star. I don't know if that's something I'd want for him, but if he's that talented then why not? I definitely want to keep encouraging him with his love for music to see where it takes him. He literally has his own playlist on my youtube of his favorite songs and videos and will watch them all on repeat. One of his favorite songs is Ollie Murrs "Heart Skips a Beat". If you have never heard it before I highly recommend you go look it up. Tell me it's not worth it? It will be interesting to see where these random interests and talents take my kid. I can't wait to look back on this post a few years from now and compare where he is.

Mother Son Date Night

What a day. B woke up this morning, happy and chatty as can be! However, when I walked into his room I saw that he and his bedding were covered in poop. Unfortunately through the night B fills his diaper with pee. Pee+A LOT of poop= enormous mess. It was the kind of mess that ended up with PJ's in the trash and B straight into the shower. These are definitely the less fun moments of motherhood that you just have to laugh at. What a way to start my week, full of more poop! B and I had plans to go to our local Chic Fil A for a mother/son date night that they were hosting. I had made reservations a couple of weeks ago and was looking forward the evening with him. He loves Chic Fil A so I was excited that it was a place he actually liked. He decided to not nap today, so I am pleasantly happy to say that dinner went well. It was a cute little set up they had of a 50's diner. We got ice cream afterward and headed home. At home we got into PJ's and B got a second wind. He has been running around the house screaming and playing as if I fed him sugar straight from the packet. Luckily, K is being amazing and took him downstairs to hang out for the last hour of the evening before bed time. Hopefully no nap B will be nice and tired in about 40 minutes! Recently found out that Disney on Ice is in DC right now! I was unaware that it was coming near us! Me and Tina are looking into tickets to take B with us. He still gets in for free and I think he would truly enjoy it. We found front row tickets for only $100 and we have been debating whether or not to get those and have a real treat this weekend. We will see what happens!

Bye Bye Baby

I'm sure I have touched on this before, but it just astounds me how much B has grown in the last few months. I am officially putting away 24 month clothes as he wears them and they barely cover is little belly, and pulling out the 2T; official toddler status. It's amazing because it truly just happens in a blink of an eye. Boom. Bye bye baby, hello toddler! They just look at you one day and ask for food and you show them some options and they choose one and run along there way. You realize, "Oh my gosh, I just had a semi-intelligent conversation with my toddler." B is famous for Sunday morning melt downs. This kid will run away from me in a crowded public place and care less that he has "lost" me in the crowd. Try to leave him in nursery on Sunday? Hah. He is hysterical until K or I stop singing and go grab him from the poor (and now deaf) nursery worker. Even the moms who he knows and have watched him before outside of church will have to suffer through his cries. Well, two Sundays ago we were sitting in church and he had been doing just fine. We were by ourselves this day as it was one of the Sundays K was home sick (January has been a sickly month for this house). About the time pastor started his sermon B decided he was over sitting quietly with me. I walked him over to the nursery door and explained his options to him. "You can sit quietly in church with mama or you can go into nursery and play with your friends. Would you like to play in the nursery?" "Ah." He responded and grabbed the handle. ("Ah" is yes in B language for future reference)I opened the door and expected the normal fight, but it never came. The nursery worker smiled and asked his name (she was new) and he strolled right inside. She offered to read him a book (his favorite past time next to movie watching) and he was sold. I sat by myself in church and listened to the sermon and never heard a peep from my boy. I couldn't help but sneak a text to my husband and let him know the accomplishment! "He's getting to be a big boy now." K responded. I simply sent him a crying emoji in return, I was not ready for this. Again today, it came time for me to go sit with the choir to sing. K, once again sick, was home and it was just me and B. He was with one of his favorite nursery workers. "Okay, I am going to go sing now. Do you want to keep reading with Z in here?" "Ah." He responded, not even looking up from the book in the little toddler chair he sat in. I walked in to the church and sat down, expecting to hear cries at any time. They never came. He played quietly until I returned (it was my Sunday for nursery duty as well). He's learning more and more each day and surprising me with every bit of it. If he sees the Petco sign he starts pointing and saying "Meow" because he knows we stop in sometimes to visit the kitties that are inside. He told me he was hot in the car one sunny afternoon while we were out running errands. I took his coat off, and he was pleasant for the rest of the trip. But with this new toddler independence comes new appreciation for those loving and tender moments. When he wakes up from his nap and just rests his head on my shoulder for awhile. Or when he stops in the middle of playing and jumps into my lap and wants a kiss. His smiles and laughter all mean so much more because so much more thought is behind them. He understands so much more so it means he knows what he's laughing at or that he specifically wants a hug from mom in that moment. Those are the times where my heart literally melts with love. Although watching him grow up is hard, and helping him learn his boundaries can be even harder; it is the most rewarding experience in the world. I am so proud of that kid my heart could just explode. Even when he decides to have a temper tantrum in the middle of Target and lay completely down on the floor while screaming as other mothers walk past with a knowing smile. I don't even mind those times. Because one day he is going to stop needing me, and then he'll be grown and leaving me. I dread those days. I relish in these days. I don't want to forget them.

The Thing About Depression...

Despite my want of a more light-hearted and fun blog, I feel it necessary to touch on this subject; as I have been suffering all week. Depression, in my opinion, cannot really be defined. It can, however, be taken more seriously by more people. Let's face it, everyone feels depressed sometimes! Your brain takes longer to heal over some things then others and that's okay! But because everyone deals with this, it makes it more of a "Well here, just take this" kind of disease then a real life medical problem. I inserted a picture of a comparison of two brains. I saw it the other day and it really struck me how it is something real.

I would not say I have suffered from depression for my entire life, but I have suffered from anxiety. It was one of those things I suffered with as a young child that went away for a random period of time until I hit puberty and it came flooding back. It wasn't until I was 22 years old that I actually decided to talk to someone about it. I had just brought in my new puppy and my parents were out of town that weekend. The first night I had the pup she woke me up in the middle of the night crying and as I let her outside I too started crying. "What was I thinking?" "I can't raise an animal!" "My anxiety is giving her anxiety!" "How can I take care of this tiny life?" "If I don't train her right I will ruin her life!" Doesn't this all sound ridiculous? But it's real. It's real fear that is running through my head. I had a panic attack. I couldn't stop shaking and I couldn't breath, I just kept staring at the puppy giving me her big sad eyes and I would get worse. The next night I decided to spend more time with my husband (then fiance). As the night was coming to an end of the night, I couldn't help but start feeling that anxiety all over again. I couldn't handle being alone with this dog. I walked into K's room in panic. It was the first time I think he saw a true panic attack and realized that all of my worries and anxieties were real. I sat down next to him and started to have another panic attack. He stared at me in shock as he held my puppy, but soon he was in action. He helped me calm down and has always been the person I rely on the most when my anxiety happens even to this day. Some how he can rationalize my crazed thoughts and find solutions for me. He helped me realize I needed to talk to a doctor about this ridiculous anxiety and consider medication. I have been on medicine ever since. I am now 25 and I still have times when needing to medicated truly bothers me. And why should it? I have a legitimate problem and disease. You don't look down on people who are diagnosed with things like cancer or diabetes, so why should people with mental problems be looked down upon? I have been living with a chemical imbalance in my brain. The medicine fixes that. The only time I have been off of my medication was when I got pregnant. And I did okay, normal hormonal stuff I felt like was happening, but nothing too terrible. I had a couple of panic attacks, but I was about to be a MOM it was a big deal and I was nervous! I had a panic attack after having B, but really did just fine adjusting to life as a new mom after him. It wasn't until he stopped breast feeding that the post partum started, and I believe I have told that tale before. Even now, as I am on new medication for my new symptoms I have days where I just feel like shit (to put it bluntly). The worse days are rainy days. I wake up and I feel like the dark clouds made their way into my head, things that normally interest me don't. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and avoid people. I usually have to force myself out of the house and doing things that I know will make me feel better. Sure enough, I am usual grateful to myself for getting out and being social. And even more truthfully is how my B has saved me. You may think, "No interests? How can you even be a mother?" But B has never been a cause of my depression and he is the reason I make sure he is never ever affected by it. I want to be the best mother to that little boy that I can be and I can't do that and be depressed. So I suck it up, put on my tough girl helmet and show that gorgeous kid my biggest smile. Because that's what he deserves, the best of me. And usually I don't have to keep trying so hard after awhile because it's a natural endorphin for me to be with him. I really wasn't headed anywhere in particular before I got pregnant with B. I didn't know how being a mother would work for me, but I never expected to love it like I do. That kid is my life, my everything. He makes me happy every single day and it is so fulfilling to raise him. I don't know where I would be, or even if I would be if it wasn't for him. So yeah, I still have my bad days, but then I force myself to have some quality "me" time and I reflect on myself and think of all of these things and it usually helps perk me up some. I guess I don't have much of a point, but I do encourage everyone to realize that things like depression and post partum are very real and very scary. I am good at faking it and keeping a smile on my face, but I have had years of practice and an amazing partner who lets me take that "me" time when I need it. He is another thing keeping me going. He has always tried to understand no matter how confusing or upset I am. Life would be nothing without my boys.

Road Trip To Disney: Days 2 and 3

I definitely spoke too soon about my decent trip down to Florida! Saturday night we got to the hotel, B woke up and was hard to get back down. And K had his back problems (due to an accident some time ago) flare up drastically. We eventually got to sleep around 1/1:30 am.

At 5:30 K woke me with a start, "Sam, I can't breath. I have to go to the hospital."

In my jumbled tiredness I tried to comprehend this without waking B. "What's happening?" I asked, needing symptoms explained.

"The pain is so bad, I literally cannot take it anymore."

What words to hear at 5 am, miles from home, with your 18 month old still asleep in the room! After much discussion, we decided to send K to the hotel's front desk and get a taxi to take him to the nearest hospital. I remained behind so that B could stay asleep, and not enter an ER.

Around 9:30 I went to pick K up. I was under the impression from a phone conversation at 8:30 that he was being discharged and could be picked up. Little did I know that the massive amount of pain killers they injected him with caused him to pass out twice and therefore, be re-admitted. To have a nurse answer your husband's phone and tell you to wait outside for her to come talk to you--not a great experience! However, she was so kind and merely told me they were trying to get K in best shape to be taken the remaining 5 hours to Orlando. She suggested a few things I could do with B while waiting for him.

My day was turned upside down. I wanted nothing more than to just be able to get to Disney and finally start my vacation! Being in a new city without my husband was not ideal, but you know what I say about life handing you lemons! F*** the lemons and bail! 

I texted my husband and told him to rest and relax and not worry. And I cried in my car for 5 minutes, bucked up, vented to my mom, and drove my sorry butt into downtown Savannah, GA. 

It turned out to be a fantastic decision on my part! B and I had a lunch buffet at Paula Deen's restaurant, The Lady and Sons, and walked the river walk. It was a very enjoyable afternoon and it wore B out so well that he fell asleep on our ride back to the hospital to pick up K.

Once my husband and son were safely buckled in, fed, and asleep; we were on the road again!

B slept for 3 hours of that trip! And K slept for 2! After a stressful day I was very happy to have those couple of hours of quiet driving to be alone in my own thoughts and just blank out! Not having to worry or think about a thing!

We FINALLY made it to Disney World and our Treehouse in Saratoga Springs Resort at 7:30 Sunday evening. 

We had a busy day and early morning ahead of us. I definitely took my suitcases apart, packed B's backpack for the next day and crashed! We woke up early at 6 am this morning (Monday) and got ready for our first Disney day! 

We has breakfast with characters and B got to meet Pooh Bear and Tigger! My B is a child after my own heart, a huge Tigger fan! To see his face light up as he realized Tigger was standing right in front of him was unreal! In hilarity, Tigger leaned on the table to be closer to B and B immediately picked up some stray food near Tigger as if to say, "don't stick your hand in that food and get dirty!" Truly my child! 

After breakfast we hit Epcot! K rented a motor chair so that he could be more comfortable and we went off to lots of fun rides and attractions. There was not a huge lot of things for B, but the sights and rides he could see were enough to knock him out for a good hour or two after lunch! And once he was awake he was back at it and ready to play!  He got to meet Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, and Pluto! And that experience had tears in my eyes! To watch him meet Mickey was absolutely amazing, he was so awe-struck and amazed--what an incredible experience as a mother! That was one to cash into the memory banks for eternity!

All in all, Day 1 at Disney was nothing less than successful. B has been an incredible kid for only 18 months old. He has so much to take in, and his routine is gone and yet, he's been so well behaved. Only a breakdown when it's time to eat. I truly hope and pray that this is the bar set for the rest of the week. Because if so--we are about to have one of the best weeks of our lives. I'm so grateful and blessed to have this experience with my family. I'm so glad we could do this.

Blessed

The best gift God has ever given me is B. Despite the struggling day we shared today, I go to bed grateful to have had him. He literally saved my life. I was headed no where. No plans or goals in my future. I didn't know what I wanted in a career.

The motherhood came along and I realized, "wow this is actually for me". Something I truly did not expect. I never liked kids, I never babysat, and even as a mom I STILL feel awkward with some children. But B is different, he's literally part of me and maybe that's why it's so natural. I'm raising myself and my husband, and clearly I love both of us, so why wouldn't our creation be awesome?

Don't get me wrong, motherhood is full of challenges and struggles. Witnessing your own temper in your son can be very humbling. But it's a frustration well worth it. It never ceases to amaze me how much I love this kid. I don't want to forget this time because I'll miss it so so dearly when it's gone. But that's for another day. 

One Year Later

When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. John 16:21 It's taken some time, but I finally have enough time to sit down and type up a one year blog for B's first birthday. It's funny because everyone says "It goes so fast!", "Don't blink!", and I really took these things to heart over the last year. There were so many times that I would think to myself, "soak this in, Sam, he wont be this little forever." and yet here I am a year later with him; my new toddler boy. It really didn't start hitting me until a couple of months ago when K and I noticed his looks changing quite a bit. He began losing a lot of the baby looks and was beginning to look like a little boy. It's so unfair that you get such a short time with them as infants. Barely a year goes by before they are grown right before your eyes and learning new tricks and words every day. I have only had one sad moment of his growth this entire year. It took about a week of it, but after a few days I realized he had outgrown falling asleep on my lap. He would fuss or even just wind down and I knew he was ready for bed. I'd lay him down and without a sound, he would lay down and go to sleep. I walked into my bedroom and laid on my husband's lap and cried. That was a defining moment for me, because he had never been able to go to bed without falling asleep on our laps first. It was something I was so concerned about, yet adored because it was ultimate snuggle time. Now he just goes right to bed, even for naps now. Don't get me wrong, I am a very lucky mother and I do NOT take this for granted!! It was just the moment that I realized he wasn't my baby anymore. He was my little boy. This year has been such a learning experience for me on so many different levels beyond motherhood. Bringing B into our lives has altered myself and K's marriage drastically, it has altered my entire way and views on life. I expected the changes, but not quite as much! However, through all of my new learning experience B is a light, a joy, and the biggest blessing I have ever experienced. Motherhood is something I did not expect to come so naturally to me. I was never a kid person, but I always wanted my own. B is perfect for me in every way, he's like my best friend. We understand each other and he helps me grow more than I help him most days. God gave me an angel when he blessed me with B as my first born. That kid is so sweet-natured, so easy going. I really have no complaints on anything in his life. He has never given me a hard time, and even today with his little attitude growing; it's nothing too terrible. I call this year the biggest blessing of my entire life. I never knew that someone could make me so happy and make me feel such an enormous amount of love. I am so blessed to have my little boy and I am looking forward to watching him grow and learn for as many years as God will give me. I love him so dearly, he is my everything. Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. Psalm 127:3

Tis the Season...to hit deer and total your freaking car.

So I am just here to update you on my life as I do every so often for those who care and wonder where the hell I've been. Tis the season to be busy. Not only have I been planning, decorating, and wrapping for Christmas; but my car was totaled a week ago. Yes, the CRV which was my grandmother's car that was given to us a few months after she passed. I really didn't expect that to happen so it came as a huge shock and I was beyond upset. I was actually hysterical and probably would have had a panic attack except I am on medication and it somehow kept me sort of calm. Anyway, we spent the week looking for a new car (we had been borrowing my old car, the Yaris from my sister-in-law because she's amazing) and the day we decided to buckle down and make a decision my dad came over and offered us his 2003 Corolla. He said he was saving it for my sister who will be driving in a couple of years so it really was just sitting in our driveway. Well, that was such a blessing and we told him we would give it back in two years and find something else for ourselves. And as for now, we are trying to sell my husband's car. A 2004 Chrysler Crossfire. Only 58,000 miles for $11,000. If we can manage to sell that before Christmas we will be able to buy a brand new SUV for ourselves. Next week I will be going to my Pop's house to put up his tree for him. I have mixed emotions about this because it's the first Christmas without my grandmother and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know I have days where I miss her so much I feel like I cannot even breath. And then there are days where I feel her everywhere around me, watching me, loving me; and I know it'll all be okay. I just continue praying and knowing that one day I can see her and hug her again. But damn, I miss her so much. Anyway, B met Santa for the first time Saturday! It was so cute and he took an amazing picture! (It's on my blog somewhere) And I am sending out our family's first Christmas cards tomorrow! Also very exciting for me! I love this time of year so much!

Journalling or Blogging?

After the baby was born I began to juggle journalling in an actual journal I keep on my nightstand and blogging on here. It's obvious which one gets the most attention, I think. I just completed the first journal for B. He's 2 and a half months old right now and I could not be more excited about his life. It's so amazing and fun to watch him learn, grow, and discover the world around him. I just set up one of those little floor mat gyms and he's laying on it going nuts. Back to my point. I began to journal to him, talking to him as I wrote about us learning each other every day. If I don't have something to write I decided to put down a memory instead. A memory of my life, my grandmother, or my husband. Things that I, unfortunately, will not always remember but I want him to know about. So here I am, a full journal already completed for him to put in his keepsake box and give him when I feel he is ready. I've been completely honest while journalling to him, not keeping out my hard points of life. He should know everything we went through together as a family; the good and the bad. I've thought about what I will do if I have more children. I've decided to type up this first journal to B and keep it as a word document on my computer. So then my other children can have these memories I am writing down and know more about my life if they want. The second reason is because, let's face it, my handwriting is not perfect and the pages and ink will eventually fade. I'll be doing everyone a favor by having it typed up for them. Now I just have to actually sit down and do it. I also want to copy these blogs and keep them in a Word Document as well because I don't know if this website will always exist and I have some pretty important moments of my life kept on here. I got married, pregnant, and gave birth on this blog and I plan on raising my children with it as well. I love to write so I guess this kind of stuff just comes easy to me. I want to take the time and journal to my other children as well, even if it means sacrificing some sleep to do so. I want them to be able to look back and have these memories when I pass and be able to show it to their children as well. So off to a new month of B's life. A new journal, a new chapter, a new day.

2 months and 3 years later.

My dear baby boy has reached 2 months of age and my dear baby pooch has reached 3 years old. I feel so blessed to have my dog in my life on her birthday. After her cancer scare this year, I really don't know how much longer she will be around. I love her dearly she's the best first dog I could ever ask for. She's a huge part of me and I pray every night that she will get to grow old as my boy grows up as well. I'm so blessed with my son. God has given me a calm and loving little boy who is absolutely perfect in every way. He is so well behaved and gets me through every day better than I could hope. He has his 2 month vaccinations today and it was a hard thing to go through. His little face made me tear up and I really had to hold back the tears. I, of course, need to have 3 more in 2 months again. We go on our first family vacation Thursday. We are going up to Maine and I'm nervous as hell. We are splitting the trip to Massachusetts into 2 days which will help, but I'm putting myself through the worst guilt trip in the world because we only have a certain amount of money to spend while we are there and I feel like I'm questioning every dime I spend. I'm so sick of counting pennies and I can't complain to my husband about it because I don't want him to feel bad. Here he is letting me stay at home from work with the baby, but I'm desperate for some extra cash. I hope that we can get up to Maine and just relax and have a good time. If all else fails, Kurt and I can just stay home and eat a sandwich instead of going out to lunch. The problem is that we are going through a weird period where we have some blessings in our lives, and yet curses at the same time. We were given my grandmother's car from my grandfather, he didn't make us pay anything for it. Of course we had to shell out some cash for titles and fix ups, but nothing like if we would have had to buy it. And we sold my car to my sister-in-law. I am struggling with it because it was my first car, I bought it myself and I was really excited about it and I loved that car with all of my heart. Now she has it, and she's so excited because it's HER first car to buy. We sold that car because we owed money on it and his car as well. But we owe more on his car than we could probably get for it. My dad had paid off the rest of my car and told me to not go out and buy another one. So we didn't, but we needed some extra cash and the car was what we had. If my dad found out he would get pissed, and now he thinks we have money from selling the car to my sister-in-law, but we don't. We have enough to get us through the week, but we need to be careful. I suppose if he finds out we could tell him that we're paying for my husband's car, but then I'm lying and I hate that. I've also been struggling with my lack of brain function lately. I feel that ever since I've had my baby boy my brain has just completely checked out and left the building. I lose my train of thought halfway through a sentence I am speaking, I forget EVERYTHING. I am literally writing down everything as soon as I think it. I freaking hate it.