Leelish

Some days I really miss my grandmother. This month we passed the 3 year anniversary of her death, it came and went just like any other day. I had even forgotten until later in the week, and I thought to myself, "Well maybe I am finally healing?" But truth is, I don't think I will ever heal from her loss. She was someone so very special to me, a glue that kept our family together. It still shocks me that she's gone. As morbid as this sounds, since she has passed, I no longer fear death. As mortals, it's so easy to fear something we don't know. It's a scary thought to be gone forever, but now I know she'll be waiting for me. I look forward to death only so I can finally see her again. I've never felt that way until she passed. She was such a kind and loving spirit, and I was so looking forward to her meeting B, something that never happened in this mortal world. I often think, should I have put her hand on my belly while she was on her breathing tube? Should I have let her feel him move and kick? Did she die so that he could live? Weird things like that used to plague my mind. Now I just wish she was here to tell me in person how adorable he is and how much she loves him. When he was first born I felt her around a lot. I had a hard time with my anxiety and learning to balance over-protectiveness and neglect. I wanted to be a good mom without suffocating him. The first few nights I couldn't sleep because I was terrified he'd stop breathing for no reason. And one night I felt her, I can't explain it I just knew she was there by his bassinet. It's like she said, "It's okay, I'll watch him, you sleep." And I slept so good after that because I knew my baby had the most amazing guardian angels. Kurt's grandparents are passed as well, and I often amused myself by the group of passed grandparents swooning over my baby while he slept. Going back to heaven and telling the family all about how amazing B is. There's a lot of hormones happening post birth, don't judge me. I don't really feel her anymore. Not like I used to anyway. I know she's always watching over me and stuff, but her presence isn't as strong in my house and it makes moving on even harder. Maybe this depressing post is a testimony to how much this woman was loved. I could never imagine life without her and now I am living it and it is hell. It never gets easier, you only forget more. The second you remember, the hurt comes back ten fold. I believe that she is in heaven now watching over us. I believe that one day we will see each other again, and I believe I mourned her properly and have tried to continue on with my life. I am not a depressed lunatic who can't get over her grandmother's death. I just miss her. A lot. And those who have gone through this know exactly what I mean.

Dreaming

Last night Leelish entered my dream. I was dreaming about her funeral and she just sort of entered it. She was surrounded by this gold light and she looked just like herself. She was telling me that everything was okay, and she was so peaceful. The entire time she was talking to me I wanted to get my uncle Rob because I felt like he needed to see her and know she was okay. Then she hugged me and it was the most perfect hug; then she floated off into this golden light.

Then my subconscious took over. It kept trying to re-create the scenario and changed it into me trying to chase her down and find her again. It threw me into a panic attack in real life where I had to force myself awake from the dream and try to calm down. I gave my dog and husband a heart attack in the process. Then I cried hysterically for about 10 minutes.

I am going to miss her so much.

Frankly my dear...

My grandmother, my Leelish passed away February 11, 2012.

I've been avoiding posting about this entire ordeal because it has been a roller coaster ride from hell. Everyday was a new day of fright or hope and it got to the point where we all ran out of both and became numb. She had to be put on a ventilator in order to breath, they ran some tests and could not pin point the infection because the cancer cells were basically trolling it. None of the entirety of anti-biotics they put her on were healing her body from the infection. Her body just was not strong enough, and due to her living will we had to take her off of the ventilator the Thursday before she passed.

I'd like to think that God took that time that she was sedated and could no longer communicate with us to talk to her and bring her to peace to join him in Heaven. I know she's at peace now. If she wasn't I wouldn't be in the state of mind I am in. I had some time to mourn Leelish while we went through this, part of me knew in my heart that this was goodbye. I, however, refused to say goodbye to her, I know I will see her again one day and the thought of goodbye made it seem all too permanent.

I am of course heart broken, and since she has passed I have kind of been numb, I haven't really felt much of anything. I don't know if I've just cried enough and God is saying it's okay, or if my body is in shock. This entire situation I feel like God has held a healing hand over my body and kept me calm for the baby. I thought for sure losing her would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to face, but it wasn't.

I think I will have moments when it will hit me that she's not here anymore. It's weird to think of it and it will probably get worse when B arrives because all I wanted was for her to meet him. And I know she will get to see him from Heaven, but it still sucks down here in the human aspect of things.

Our new reality is going to be a hard one to get used to, it's like the ultimate change that none of us wanted. And I know she's with me, I feel her here watching over me, but I still miss her. I will always miss her until the day we will be face to face again. I hope she is the first person I see when I die. To see her smiling face again, greeting me at those gates, it puts a smile on my face now.