Wont You Be My Neighbor?

K recently told me that there is a show on Netflix that B has been very interested in, and it was a PBS show so we were both happy. I didn't put much thought into it until I watched a show start from finish one day. The show I am talking about is Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. I PBS spin-off of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood and his make believe land that the trolley would visit. I was immediately thrown back into my own toddler self. Mr. Roger's was my main man for a while. I loved watching him go explore different things, I loved his fish tank, his sweaters always made me happy that they matched his shoes, and make believe land was a fun trip. Daniel Tiger lives in make believe land, the king is there and everything! I couldn't believe it! In the specific episode I watched, he went to the post office with his mom and there was a cartoon version of the mail man who always visited Mr. Rogers! I was immediately excited about this being B's new favorite show (seriously every time he turns on Netflix he turns it on). One episode he watched yesterday was about anger and how to calm down from getting angry about something. Little B has a bad temper, so I was very glad to see a show like this existed. I appreciate Disney Junior and every show on it; I feel like there are lessons in each show. However, where Disney Junior seems to offer more scholastic lessons, Daniel Tiger seems to offer more emotional lessons. Exploring how kids feel when they lose a favorite toy, when their parents leave them for a bit, and when they get upset about something. They explore those feelings and they do not discredit them, but encourage kids to work through them. I really appreciated the show's meanings. Anyway, I was more excited about hearing that familiar tune at the beginning of the episode and watching Daniel put on a sweater and riding the trolley. What a cool idea for a television show! And now my little B gets to grow up watching something so familiar to my own favorite! On an unrelated note, B has begun talking a bit more! We are watching a friend's little one who talks quite a bit and has been for awhile. I had always hoped while watching her, that B would pick up on some words. Well, this morning it was like the switch turned on. "Oh, she's actually communicating to mom and dad. Not just saying nonsense like me." Suddenly he threw out the words, "yay", "bye", and "wa wa". Such a big step from the one and only "ball" we have been hanging on to for months now. Don't get me wrong, B will talk your ear off! Unfortunately, he speaks his own language. I cannot believe I will soon be able to communicate with him like two normal human beings! The more he grows, the more in awe I am at the fast developments of children. They learn SO much in such a short amount of time and they learn it from us! How cool is that? I cannot believe my little baby is a little boy and continuing to grow! I don't think I will ever get over it! I will be the embarrassing mom at his graduation saying how just yesterday he was in diapers! I'm okay with that.

Leading Hand

I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in God's hand in my life. He has a plan for me and when I am lost or in confused He has always given me direction. 

I have had a rough two years with my relationship with God. I lost my grandmother, became a mother, struggled in my marriage, and watched my parents divorce. All of these things put a strain on my relationship with God. I never blamed him for any of this. I knew Leelish was struggling, He wanted her home and took her there. I didn't like it, but I knew she wasn't hurting anymore. I knew that hormones and brain chemicals were ruining my marriage. I prayed and begged for Him to fix me. I needed to fix myself! I finally asked for help from doctors and soon after getting on medication I could better communicate with my husband. God gave us free will. My family members made choices that I don't agree with and I found myself needing God more. I want to represent to my family, and more importantly my children, God's love. WWJD has been my mantra this year. Hello 1999?

The reason I bring all of this up is because I've been focusing more on my relationship with God, and in return, I am seeing his answers and work with me! I have been reading biographies like no ones business lately! I've probably taken out 5-8 books in two months. And these books have really shown me some insight into my walk with The Lord and his plan for me. 

First, is it coincidence that I just happened to pick up Stephanie's book (see previous posts) and read about her incredible journey and her never ending love with the Father? No! I literally just grabbed it off of the long and endless shelves of biographies and found her! Now I follow her blog and am constantly inspired by her. Not only in faith, but as a mother and wife. She is what I want to be in a woman. I've struggled for so long trying to find my place in life. I never, in a million years, thought I would want to be a stay at home mom. But once Brayden was born everything about being a homemaker came so naturally to me. I realized, this is it! I found my place in life and unfortunately it brings in zero income.

I have been so blessed the last few months to be able to watch one of my good friend's daughters. Both of our husbands were furloughed this summer and financially it worked out for both of us for me to keep her while they were at work. Cheaper day care for them and a little bit of extra money for us! I knew it would be temporary, and sadly it is coming to a close as they are going to soon be welcoming a new little one into the family. I didn't realize how much me and B would enjoy spending time with this little girl. Taking care of the two of them has been a joy, and quite a learning experience! And now, I think I would like to watch more kids. However, I don't feel comfortable watching a stranger's child and none of my friends are looking for daycare at the moment. I know one beautifully lady has me booked already for 2016! But what do I do until then? I want to put B in preschool, but we want to pay off our debt and move in two years and that leaves us with little to no spending money. I know I could do it myself, but I struggle with laziness and patience. There's a reason I could never be a teacher myself despite my English degree. One kid? Sure! Multiple children of school age? Heck no! Anyway, in this rant I am trying to say I have been praying about my next step in life. I've enjoyed this spending money! I've been able to do more fun things with B and travel a bit. Soon that spending money will be gone and we will be back to the original budget. I've been praying about whether I should look for a job or not. Well now I've read two books that have talked about being a stay at home mom. One woman knew it was her destiny her whole life. Another was unsure. She needed the financial support of her part time job, but she felt God leading her away from working. Soon she followed His lead, quit, and the family remained financially sound with new financial opportunities presented soon after. Is this God leading me? I can't help but think it is! 

Unfortunately, this struggle is very real with moms everywhere and it's so sad that we have to go through such an ordeal to decide whether or not we stay home with our babies! And if we don't stay home, we feel guilty! But that's another topic for another day! 

My other book I read recently talked about respecting your parents and honoring them despite their faults. Looking for the good in them and focusing on that. And learning from their mistakes and becoming stronger because if them. This book specifically stated a case similar to my own. Due to my family's sensitivity on the subject still, I will remain vague. But again, God was present as I read this chapter. I have struggled with my relationship with my parents after the divorce and I have been seeking help from The Lord. I want to be loving and open, not angry. The Lord forgives and he is the ultimate Judge. So who the heck am I to hold a grudge? This doesn't mean I'm okay with things, but I'm trying very hard to move forward in my life.

God works in mysterious ways. He is an ever constant presence in my life. He shows me He's listening in subtle ways and I just need to open my heart and listen back. It's not easy, but I find that the more I try and stop to listen, the more I hear. And the more I hear, the happier of a person I am. This is important to me as I am not a happy person by default. There's no coincidence that I have happened upon the books I've been reading. And that they talk about things I am directly struggling with (which I did not know when choosing the books). I feel God working in my heart this week. And it feels good.

2013 A Year End Review

As most people do, I like to take time on New Year's Eve and reflect upon the year that has passed and where I stand now as an adult. This year was not as eventful as last year, but a lot still happened. We hit the one year anniversary of my grandmother's passing. I cannot believe come February it will have been two years already. She was such a strong influence in my life and not a day goes by that I don't think about her and miss her. So much has happened since she has passed and I wish I could just sit down and talk to her about everything. I would love to know her thoughts and opinions. I would love to see her play with Brayden. I think that's the hardest part, knowing that my children will never know her. April came and Brayden turned a year old. Wow, I'm officially a mom of a toddler and he could not have more "boy" in him. He is now 20 months and into EVERYTHING!! He has developed a very stubborn and short tempered personality. He likes to be independent and climb and push and hit and shove. The only thing non-boy in him is that he hates messes. He is very neat and likes to keep things in their place. He is truly the greatest blessing in my life. I love to watch him grow and learn. And although motherhood has become more challenging as he's gotten older, it's still the most rewarding experience I have ever had. I love that little boy. My parents got a divorce this year. And while that is something that no child wants to go through, young or old, I feel as though I am coming to peace with things. I don't understand a lot of decisions made, but I know all of us will come out stronger in the end. And I hope that one day everyone will have the happiness they are looking for. Kurt and I have been together 7 years this November. I turned 25 and found myself in Disneyworld to celebrate. Truly one of the best vacations I ever have taken. All in all, I'm another year older, another year stronger, and another year colder. Life is not easy, so many ups and downs come throughout such a short period of time. It's crazy to see another year go by and face one more. I have so much more life to live and see and truthfully I couldn't be more excited and ready to live it.