Self-Reflection

Tonight the conversation with my husband took a turn, as it has done almost every night for the last month, for the dark.

I have started coming off of my medicine. A personal decision I have made to try to find the right way to keep my brain in a good place. So far, I have done wonderfully. I have had little side effects besides some physical things that I have been able to handle. The anxiety has been manageable. Everything that I've experienced I expected so it's been easier to handle.

Of course, it's still difficult to feel this impending doom of anxiety every night after the sun sets. However, tonight my husband made an observation that he's never made before, and it made me realize how far I've come.

This summer marks 3 years of recovering from a mental breakdown. Some people see mental breakdowns as different things. For me, the mental breakdown came in the form of severe anxiety every single day to the point that I was taking my son to my mother's house because I felt as though I could not properly take care of him.

A lot of outside factors took place in my life that brought me to that point but one thing came out of it; I promised myself I would never let my anxiety rule my life like that again.

My husband, who has been with me for 10 years now, pointed out that since that moment I have changed for the better. He explained it like this: I gave my mental illness a face, I made it a real and tangible thing. He said up until that point I had been trying to close everything off, but in reality I was walling myself into a small space. Once I released that hold anxiety had on me, and gave it this "face" I broke those walls down and started building out. He said to me, that giving anxiety this reality, this face, it could have gone one of two ways. It could have become overwhelming and scary, but it could have made it something I could square off and fight. I went the latter.

All of this, I have done subconsciously. Sure, in my mind I decided all of these things. However, my husband pointed out that since that moment I started speaking out about my anxiety. I put myself on the line and just come out with it. "I have anxiety disorder" It's not something that defines me anymore and I'm not afraid to speak out about it. He told me it's changed me for the better, it's helped me overcome this and it's helped him understand me better, help me more.

I chose to take this turn on my mental illness because 1. I never wanted to be in that place ever again. and 2. I wanted to help anyone else with mental illness in any way I could. Because I've been there, I never tried to commit suicide, I never planned to commit suicide; but I thought about it. I thought about it a lot, actually. For the first time in my life, I thought those horrible things of "the world is better off without me", "my husband and son will find someone better to love them",  "my family will move on".

I am fortunate enough to have an enormous support system. I was surrounded by friends and family who loved me. I depended fully on my mother for the first time in 25 years. She had to take care of my son, me, and she even took me to the doctor to tell the doctor what was going on because I couldn't even get over my anxiety enough to explain that I was falling apart inside.

I vowed to myself during that time to change. To get over this awful thing happening inside of me.

I am religious. I'd be lying to you if my religion didn't have a significant part to play in my healing process. I prayed a lot that summer. I fell to my knees, sobbing to my God to save me. To fix me. To give me meaning once again.

He listened.

I woke up the next day and had an epiphany. It was like flood gates opened and suddenly I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I knew what career I wanted and upon discussing it with my husband I was encouraged by hearing "that's a great choice for you--you'd be really good at that". I began to set goals for myself and slowly work towards them. I discovered my dream school and realized I could not afford to go, but it didn't make me feel anxious. At this point, I was fully reliant on God. A week later a job fell into my lap. I wasn't looking, I hadn't even shared with a lot of people that my school situation had become what it was.

Suddenly I found myself working full time, being a mother, and soon following was college full time.

I graduated this spring. I graduated Valedictorian of my class. When I was in high school I barely passed at all.

I did all of these things because I chose to square off to my anxiety.

I did all of these things because the Lord has led me down this path every step of the way. He has been so open with me, clearly leading me down roads when I struggle. Even now, I have had struggling moments and after meditation and prayer His answer becomes very clear to me.

Why write about it? Not to try to tell you to believe in God, but to believe in yourself. God helped me, he gave me the strength to do as much as I have as fast as I have. He also gives me free will. Free will to face my anxiety every day and tell it "not today".

I won't sit here and try to say it was easy. It wasn't easy at all. I have struggled, a lot. I have cried more in the past 3 years than I have my entire life. But I feel better afterwards. I let myself have my moment, I listen to my sad music, I sob, I panic, but I don't let it be the route of my thoughts anymore.

I am a new person, a stronger person.

I'm still scared out of my mind. I still question every decision I make. I often tell myself that I can't do this, this career path was just not for me.

But I'm getting a little closer every day and I've come to far at this point to let it win now.

How to Adult?

Today I traveled to Tokyo to attend a concert alone. This is may not seem like a big deal to you, but to me it was a huge step. I often don't leave K's side in this country because his Japanese far surpasses my own. But I set off on this adventure and was successful. The train systems in Japan are crazy, but with the help of Google I only got mixed up one time up and was able to get straight home without a problem. I was able to get coffees and my seat at the venue. Even stopped in a side shop to buy a present for B.

(Japan isn't like the states, traveling alone is not a scary and dangerous thing here so don't freak out.)

I think a lot about how the Lord has led me to where I am today. How I woke up and had this sudden change of heart. He heard my prayers and He answered them. He gave me guidance and strength and placed new dreams into my heart.

Sometimes I think about where I was mentally two years ago and where I am at today and I'm so proud of myself. Two years ago the thought of moving to another country wasn't even possible. I couldn't handle it. Today I traveled in a foreign country where I don't speak the language at all, and I got more lost in the venue than I did traveling. You can absolutely overcome anything if you set your mind to it and I feel like I am living proof of that. 

I have had the help of the Lord, but it takes more than prayers to get somewhere. You have to be willing to build off of His strength and work hard. I still have a lot of problems with my anxiety. I still make K do phone calls for me, or come into the doctor with me. But I also force myself to overcome my mental illness and learn to get past it. Not longer is it something I let hold me back, it's something I learn to move beyond.

I'm just really proud of myself more than anything. I have a long way to go, but the steps you move past getting there make the journey worth it.

Getting It Out

I feel like I've reached a weird place in life where I am actually about to graduate from college and I am faced with the ever awful, "what now?"

I feel obliged to take jobs near my husband, to learn Japanese because I am in Japan, and to keep to those "safe" routes of life. But I didn't go after this degree to be safe.

I spent the evening with K talking about our future and the things I am stressing out about. On one hand I want to pursue my dreams, but what does that mean? It means that no matter what, in 5 years K has to go back to the U.S. I, however, don't have to. If I land my dream job I can keep working there, sending him and my son to live back in the states without me for 2 years. And of course, I could land this job while we are overseas, still sending me into a career that takes me away from my family for extended periods of time.

It makes me feel like I am a bad mother. I want to pursue this job that leaves my son without his mother and despite technology, I don't know how often I will see him. It's a choice I have to make. I could get into a job, not like it, and quit. At least at the end of the day, I can say I pursued my dreams.

But what if I love my job?

What if it's everything I thought it would be and I don't want to quit. Am I still that bad mom?

K is the most supportive person in my life. He encourages me to do what I want to do, insisting he and B will be fine without me and we can just take things as they come. It doesn't make me feel any less guilty though.

Why do I have to feel guilty? Why do I have to feel like I'm choosing between my career and family and not making it work out so I can have both? I have a husband who is willing to let his wife live in another country for 2 years by herself if it means she's achieving her dreams. The person who is holding me back is me.

I just feel a bit lost. Do I take a break in learning Korean and concentrate on Japanese before getting back into Korean. Do I try both? Do I say screw Japanese and go hard at Korean? Because I can't do anything overseas if I can't hold a conversation with anyone in the industry.

These are the anxieties keeping me up at night, running over and over in my mind until I burst into tears in the middle of KFC when K makes a passing comment about eating dinner at home.

I just wish I didn't feel like I was neglecting one part of my life by going for another. My mind tells me to stop, and I don't even know if I will ever even end up in my dream jobs? But, I still want to try.

And after all of this, all of the encouragement and deciding "I can do this" once again. I feel scared.

I feel like I'm going after something that so many people think will never happen for me. I'm the kind of person who really digs in her heels and achieves what she wants, but it doesn't come without hard work and tears.

I can't find a job as it is, so I am going to spend the next 6 months studying another language like it's my duty in life and really give life my all. After tonight, I feel that empowerment again. Just a year ago I was scared of even applying to school again. But I'm doing it, I'm finishing my degree, I'm learning another language (possibly 2) and I'm going to go after my freaking dream job.

I'll probably just cry a lot in between. You know, anxiety and all.

3 Months in and I'm Still Here

I've been meaning to make this post for quite some time. Unfortunately, time is not always on our side, is it? As of July 13 I have been living in Japan for 3 months, and yeah, I still love it.

I don't have any friends. I am trying desperately to find a job, finish school, and not melt. However, these are all difficult things to accomplish while not being as socially awkward as I am. I went outside of my comfort zone and took B out to a special PT for Tots thing, and man my awkwardness is just uncanny. Met another American neighbor this week while at the park with B, again, I'm so socially awkward people could write books about me. I am stepping out of my comfort zones, however, and that is steps in the right direction.

I am applying for jobs a bit earlier than I planned. Due to some miscommunications we are looking at having to send B to Preschool off-base and we have to pay out of pocket for this. I definitely need work and I've begun applying to English teaching jobs. I am not good at teaching. At all. I've never been good at it, I have no patience for people. When they don't understand something I explain the first time I get irritated and short. A very great amount of people have suggested I home school B. Unfortunately, with my mental health, full time college courses, and overall crap-self; this isn't an option for me. First of all, I've tried. Since I am stuck in the house with him all day we go through Preschool learning books that he got for his birthday and he just doesn't listen to me at all. I'm also trying to learn Japanese with him, but it's like pulling teeth. I really hope he's only like this for me and not at school, but he needs much deeper structure and also kids to play with.

Which brings me back to the teaching thing. If I can't teach a 4-year old how to count to 10 in Japanese, how am I supposed to teach an adult how to English? I can't even teach myself.

I've also been suffering from insomnia during the last month! Fun facts, almost every website online will tell you the leading cause of insomnia is anxiety and stress. Up until this week, I haven't even been stressed or anxious so I'm not even sure why my body hates me? It's making my mental health decline and as a result I am just not in good shape.

A lot of praying has been happening this month. Mostly because I am unsure of where to go from here. K told me today that he knows I wanted to achieve some career goals and dreams while overseas and to go for it and we'll figure the rest out. And learning another language is hard. After the day is done and I've suffered in my classes online, suffered in my learning another language, and suffered in applying for jobs my self esteem is low. What if I'm doing it all wrong? Am I really supposed to be after these career goals? Was college a waste? Should I stay home and have more babies and try to teach my kids like everyone thinks I should be doing?

There is only One that can determine my path and I constantly pray for that path to be shown to me.

Nothing goes without hardships, but I guess I got so excited about how coming out here was good moves in our lives, that I had subconsciously expected it all to go perfect and smooth. But life isn't like that, is it?

This isn't to say I don't like Japan. I love it here! I can't wait for people to come visit me so I can show off my beautiful new home. It's just lovely, it's hot as crap right now, but it's lovely. We want to stay here as long as we can.

I know it's only been 3 months and I have a long road ahead of me. I just need a little more guidance, a little more faith, and a little less humidity. (it's hot!!)

What is anxiety to me?

"High-functioning anxiety sounds like…

You’re not good enough. You’re a bad friend. You’re not good at your job. You’re wasting time. You’re a waste of time. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you. You’re so needy. What are you doing with yourself? Why would you say that? What if they hate it? Why can’t you have your shit together? You’re going to get anxious and because you’re going to get anxious, you’re going to mess everything up. You’re a fraud. Just good at faking it. You’re letting everybody down. No one here likes you.

All the while, it appears perfectly calm.

It’s always looking for the next outlet, something to channel the never-ending energy. Writing. Running. List-making. Mindless tasks (whatever keeps you busy). Doing jumping jacks in the kitchen. Dancing in the living room, pretending it’s for fun, when really it’s a choreographed routine of desperation, trying to tire out the thoughts stuck in your head."

I always struggle to find a way to explain anxiety to people who don't understand it. I'm often told "wow I would have never guessed you have anxiety" this is why. If I stop for even a second and let my mind win then I fall into this pit of despair. I often turn to the bad wife/bad mom area. And that's when I end up in a depressed state and fall apart. 

I try to share the posts and quotes I find that help me explain my anxiety better. "What do you do when you have a panic attack?" I just do everything in my power to stop thinking and just stop. That's all I can do. I fight myself all day every day and with the help of medication that fight is a little easier, but it's still there. Pestering me. It's like having a demon inside of you that is trying to convince you how absolutely worthless you are and that you don't deserve anything. 

And that's anxiety for me.

Dream, Hope, Forward.

“꿈, 희망, 전진” “Dream, Hope, Forward.”

The phrase is one you may recognize from BTS’s “Young Forever” song. I had been bouncing around what exactly I wanted as a phrase for this tattoo for months, actually. A year ago I had a huge mental breakdown and I have since pushed myself past so many limits I thought I had. This tattoo has a few different meanings for me. 

The first is to remind myself how far I have come. I am moving out of this country on Friday. Something I swore I never thought I would ever do. I only have memories of living in the place I am in right now. This is a huge step for me, as I have let my anxieties rule my life for so long and I don’t want to do that anymore. It’s a promise I made to myself when I hit that bottom over a year ago. It’s a promise I haven’t broken. I was able to pick myself up, go back to work, go back to school, and now I am able to start a new chapter of my life in a different country. I am so proud of myself for how far I’ve come. I have moved from the woman who had to take her son to her mother’s house because she couldn’t even leave the couch without having a panic attack, to a woman accomplishing her goals and her dreams. I want to encourage so many others suffering from depression and anxiety. It’s not something that has to rule your life. I want to be a good example to my kid and to those around me that I didn’t let my anxiety win.

The second one is one where people will probably judge me, but that’s okay. I expect judgement. I expect ridicule. I don’t mind it, because I did this for myself and my own happiness. As I said earlier, I was struggling to find the right phrase. I didn’t want a huge phrase or a huge tattoo, knowing that it was my first and on my wrist. I had considered getting a lot of different things, but I had always leaned towards lyrics from BTS. I got into them as I hit this low point in my life and they have always held a special place in my heart because of that reason. There have been countless days where I have been anxious or depressed and seen a show they were on, a post on SNS, or even just something from the past come up and they put a smile on my face. I have watched them grow as a group and remain humble and true. I truly adore these boys and their music has brought a lot of happiness to my life. However, as I was not settling on a specific lyric or phrase, I put this tattoo on the back burner.

Then they released this song. Right before I leave the country they release it, and I saw those lyrics and I just knew. This is it. That’s what I want to remind me of how far I’ve come, of who I am now. The translation is "dream, hope, forward/advance or even keep moving".

The fact that the lyrics come from this group is just a fantastic bonus for me. I know where the lyrics come from, I know the heart and hard work that’s been put into their own lives. 

And thus, my first tattoo is here. I get to be reminded of how strong I am every day of my life. I am proud of myself, proud to take these steps, proud to show my son what I overcame. To have my friends there made it so much better, to have them to share the experience with.

I will truly miss my friends and family so so much when I leave. It’s what makes leaving so hard. But I am so excited to embrace my future and see what God has in store for me. He led me to every decision I have made up until this point and I know He will continue to lead me. 

As Friday comes I will embrace my hopes and my dreams, and I will keep moving forward.

The Ramblings of a Crazy Person

I've been a lot more open about my anxiety to my friends and family to the point that they have commented to me about it. They feel it is helping me move forward and I am in a time in my life where I am moving forward.

This is the first time I have felt a "pull" towards anything. I am feeling the pull towards going back to school and heading towards my career goals (more to come on that).

I have not been in a good place in the past few months. I fell into a deep pit. Two weeks ago I was having panic attacks so bad every day that I had to take my son to my mom's house just to breath. I immediately sought help in my doctors. I sought help in my church. And I am finally starting to see results.

I don't expect life to change for me overnight. I truly know I will need to work very hard to achieve some of the goals I have set for myself.

God is working through me very strictly right now. In fact, I don't feel like I've ever heard Him speak to me this much in my entire life. He opened my eyes to so much and I am finally on such a good path. Letting Him lead me is the best decision I've ever made and the results happen daily. I am so thankful to have found this comfort in him and his daily reminders in my life.

It will not suck forever.

"Will you trust me when my answer is wait?"

Yes, and I will keep forcing myself to.

Where Have I Been?

Funny thing about depression/anxiety; it decides to rear it's ugly head at the most inconvenient times. 

So for the past couple of months I've been struggling with myself to be content with life right now. I keep telling everyone I am having a quarter life crisis, I guess. 

I woke up one morning and just decided that I am not fulfilled with life right now. I thought I wanted to settle down and start my family, but then I realized I have literally lived in the same town for 25 years and I have done nothing with my life.

Don't get me wrong, I know I am blessed with the world's coolest kid ever. However, I have also spent the last 2 years taking care of everyone except me. Fighting PP depression on top of that time frame.

And while I love my family and my friends, I love me more. So I finally looked at K and said, "you know what? Screw it, let's move out of the country."

I'm short, when K reaches his next promotion (hopefully in a year) we will be looking for jobs in South Korea first, then Japan.

We are both so young and only have one child so why not? You only live once, why do you have to be held back when you decide to have a family? 

And why do you have to stay in once place forever? You don't. 

And the best part is, if it sucks, I'll just move back home. Hell, we get PAID to live out there. Bye bye debt! Bye bye biggest stress on our marriage EVER! 

There are a lot more things going on right now inside my fantastically terrible brain, but I don't wish to share them publicly.

I just felt like I owed those who cared an explanation of my absence from life. When I get overwhelmed emotionally intend to recluse. I enjoy my privacy and alone time a lot more than I enjoy being social. 

And I'm doing okay. I'm not suicidal or anything, just floundering a bit. And currently I'm on vacation with my mom so that's cool.

In fact, my anxiety has been horrific in the 24 hours I've been here and this evening at sunset I went for a run then sat on the beach alone and it felt amazing. It really refreshed me a bit. I hope it lasts or I'm gonna have to run every day here lol.

The Thing About Depression...

Despite my want of a more light-hearted and fun blog, I feel it necessary to touch on this subject; as I have been suffering all week. Depression, in my opinion, cannot really be defined. It can, however, be taken more seriously by more people. Let's face it, everyone feels depressed sometimes! Your brain takes longer to heal over some things then others and that's okay! But because everyone deals with this, it makes it more of a "Well here, just take this" kind of disease then a real life medical problem. I inserted a picture of a comparison of two brains. I saw it the other day and it really struck me how it is something real.

I would not say I have suffered from depression for my entire life, but I have suffered from anxiety. It was one of those things I suffered with as a young child that went away for a random period of time until I hit puberty and it came flooding back. It wasn't until I was 22 years old that I actually decided to talk to someone about it. I had just brought in my new puppy and my parents were out of town that weekend. The first night I had the pup she woke me up in the middle of the night crying and as I let her outside I too started crying. "What was I thinking?" "I can't raise an animal!" "My anxiety is giving her anxiety!" "How can I take care of this tiny life?" "If I don't train her right I will ruin her life!" Doesn't this all sound ridiculous? But it's real. It's real fear that is running through my head. I had a panic attack. I couldn't stop shaking and I couldn't breath, I just kept staring at the puppy giving me her big sad eyes and I would get worse. The next night I decided to spend more time with my husband (then fiance). As the night was coming to an end of the night, I couldn't help but start feeling that anxiety all over again. I couldn't handle being alone with this dog. I walked into K's room in panic. It was the first time I think he saw a true panic attack and realized that all of my worries and anxieties were real. I sat down next to him and started to have another panic attack. He stared at me in shock as he held my puppy, but soon he was in action. He helped me calm down and has always been the person I rely on the most when my anxiety happens even to this day. Some how he can rationalize my crazed thoughts and find solutions for me. He helped me realize I needed to talk to a doctor about this ridiculous anxiety and consider medication. I have been on medicine ever since. I am now 25 and I still have times when needing to medicated truly bothers me. And why should it? I have a legitimate problem and disease. You don't look down on people who are diagnosed with things like cancer or diabetes, so why should people with mental problems be looked down upon? I have been living with a chemical imbalance in my brain. The medicine fixes that. The only time I have been off of my medication was when I got pregnant. And I did okay, normal hormonal stuff I felt like was happening, but nothing too terrible. I had a couple of panic attacks, but I was about to be a MOM it was a big deal and I was nervous! I had a panic attack after having B, but really did just fine adjusting to life as a new mom after him. It wasn't until he stopped breast feeding that the post partum started, and I believe I have told that tale before. Even now, as I am on new medication for my new symptoms I have days where I just feel like shit (to put it bluntly). The worse days are rainy days. I wake up and I feel like the dark clouds made their way into my head, things that normally interest me don't. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and avoid people. I usually have to force myself out of the house and doing things that I know will make me feel better. Sure enough, I am usual grateful to myself for getting out and being social. And even more truthfully is how my B has saved me. You may think, "No interests? How can you even be a mother?" But B has never been a cause of my depression and he is the reason I make sure he is never ever affected by it. I want to be the best mother to that little boy that I can be and I can't do that and be depressed. So I suck it up, put on my tough girl helmet and show that gorgeous kid my biggest smile. Because that's what he deserves, the best of me. And usually I don't have to keep trying so hard after awhile because it's a natural endorphin for me to be with him. I really wasn't headed anywhere in particular before I got pregnant with B. I didn't know how being a mother would work for me, but I never expected to love it like I do. That kid is my life, my everything. He makes me happy every single day and it is so fulfilling to raise him. I don't know where I would be, or even if I would be if it wasn't for him. So yeah, I still have my bad days, but then I force myself to have some quality "me" time and I reflect on myself and think of all of these things and it usually helps perk me up some. I guess I don't have much of a point, but I do encourage everyone to realize that things like depression and post partum are very real and very scary. I am good at faking it and keeping a smile on my face, but I have had years of practice and an amazing partner who lets me take that "me" time when I need it. He is another thing keeping me going. He has always tried to understand no matter how confusing or upset I am. Life would be nothing without my boys.