The Big Move

Friday morning K got an e-mail telling him he was selected for the job in Japan that he had interviewed for a month prior.

There are so many mixed emotions with this news. The first is initially excitement. We've wanted this for so so long. We've been praying for God's hand in K's career choices. We had begun to give up, talking about what our next steps were in life since he wasn't getting any leads in the job market. And then he got an interview.

We'll be gone for 5 years and while that seems like a long time, it also seems like a short time as well. I know how big of an adjustment this is going to be for me, I am aware of the cultural changes that I will be facing. This isn't a decision K and I made lightly before he began applying to jobs. We sat down and had many discussions and prayed together immensely about it all.

This is something we want to do, we're ready to do, and we are excited to do.

Of course, with all of this excitement comes the realities of what I'm leaving behind. We are so close to our families and friends and the thought of not getting to see them so easily hurts. Of course I am sad to leave them.

I have anxiety disorder and I'm moving to another country, my body is on a weird overdrive right now. There is so much happening in my brain and I have had a couple of panic attacks. It's not all bad anxieties, just anxiety period.

It's a weird feeling, being so excited for something, but also weary of the huge amount of changes we are going to be facing.

I still can't really believe it's happening, we are finally getting this opportunity to move to a new country.

Not Losing Me

So in the midst of having ridiculous break downs this summer, I woke up and realized I did have a career I wanted to do. I want to be a manager for entertainers. I want to help them stay organized, keep their schedules, and give them someone to trust.

And while I now have this career path in mind I also have to remember I am a wife and a mother. As is brought up all the time, women in these roles are put in such a rough position. While I want to be myself and achieve my goals, I have to remember my responsibilities as a mother. I made the decision to become a mom and therefore I have been learning how to prioritize my life. 

It's not easy, part of me has those thoughts of wishing I could be selfish and focus soully on myself. I finally know what I want to do with my life! Why did this have to happen after my marriage and son? Well it did. So now I have to move on from that.

I have such an amazing husband and partner. I am blessed to be able to stay at home and raise my son while I go back to school. What a blessing! It definitely helps me make sure I focus on my son while still giving myself the education I need. 

I think it's important as parents that we make our children aware that we are humans too. We have goals and a life. We had these before kids and we will have them after they are grown and leave the house. I feel like showing my son this in giving him the sight of goal setting too. 

I just wish that raising my son and having a career didn't come with such time management. I guess it's helping me prepare for my job. But it still sucks when I feel like I'm being selfish for wanting to achieve some things for myself. 

Regardless, I'm learning and I feel like I'm finally getting the hang of it. At the end of the day as long as I do my absolutely best for my family I can sleep soundly at night.

Valentine's Day (For Real This Time)

Because my life is centered around my kiddo, that's usually what I am writing about. But seeing as how today is meant for the lovers out there, I'd like to dedicate this post to my husband. This last year has not been a particularly grand year for me and K. We have struggled quite a bit since B came into our lives. The problem with being high school sweet hearts is that we were both so young when we fell in love that we had a lot of growing up to do. And as we grew up, we changed. A lot. And not all of those changes were good. So, we've had a lot of learning and re-discovering to do with ourselves and it has not been easy at all. There's been a lot of times that both of us just wanted to give up and throw in the towel. We were too different and it wasn't working. But financially, divorce wasn't an option and we didn't want to mess things up in B's life. So we just tolerated each other's presence; to put it bluntly. It always upset me so much that we have such hardships outside of our relationship, why do we have to deal with this in marriage too? Can't marriage be our one sanctuary? I realize it's stupid to ask, but that's where I was mentally. There's been a lot of tears, yelling, and long talks between the two of us this year. I finally feel like we've rekindled something of the relationship. We found the tiniest of seedlings leftover from our youth and replanted it (don't be gross). We have decided to stop investing so much in each other and focus on ourselves as individuals. It has helped tremendously. We went to a marriage seminar this year and the speaker said, "In order to have a good "we" you have to start with a good "me"." And that really struck me. We were so focused on what the other person wanted that we stopped focusing on ourselves. We needed to figure out who this new parent/adult was in the mirror before we moved on to parent/adult/spouse. We have a long road ahead of us, but I know God put us in each other's lives for a reason. I don't believe in coincidences, I believe in a higher authority leading me down the path He chooses for me. I don't always agree with my bumps in the road, but that doesn't stop them from happening. I'm ready to face more years ahead of us and more Valentine's Days and lots and lots of love. K is an incredibly thoughtful and amazing husband and I am so happy to have him in my life. Just today we went to lunch and he met us at the restaurant. He had B's food already ordered and waiting at the table, knowing that he was hungry. And my Valentine's Day present was something I really wanted and something I didn't even know I wanted! He is an amazing father and husband and has always been my rock and been there for me. I'm a blessed woman, indeed. Love you.

The Thing About Depression...

Despite my want of a more light-hearted and fun blog, I feel it necessary to touch on this subject; as I have been suffering all week. Depression, in my opinion, cannot really be defined. It can, however, be taken more seriously by more people. Let's face it, everyone feels depressed sometimes! Your brain takes longer to heal over some things then others and that's okay! But because everyone deals with this, it makes it more of a "Well here, just take this" kind of disease then a real life medical problem. I inserted a picture of a comparison of two brains. I saw it the other day and it really struck me how it is something real.

I would not say I have suffered from depression for my entire life, but I have suffered from anxiety. It was one of those things I suffered with as a young child that went away for a random period of time until I hit puberty and it came flooding back. It wasn't until I was 22 years old that I actually decided to talk to someone about it. I had just brought in my new puppy and my parents were out of town that weekend. The first night I had the pup she woke me up in the middle of the night crying and as I let her outside I too started crying. "What was I thinking?" "I can't raise an animal!" "My anxiety is giving her anxiety!" "How can I take care of this tiny life?" "If I don't train her right I will ruin her life!" Doesn't this all sound ridiculous? But it's real. It's real fear that is running through my head. I had a panic attack. I couldn't stop shaking and I couldn't breath, I just kept staring at the puppy giving me her big sad eyes and I would get worse. The next night I decided to spend more time with my husband (then fiance). As the night was coming to an end of the night, I couldn't help but start feeling that anxiety all over again. I couldn't handle being alone with this dog. I walked into K's room in panic. It was the first time I think he saw a true panic attack and realized that all of my worries and anxieties were real. I sat down next to him and started to have another panic attack. He stared at me in shock as he held my puppy, but soon he was in action. He helped me calm down and has always been the person I rely on the most when my anxiety happens even to this day. Some how he can rationalize my crazed thoughts and find solutions for me. He helped me realize I needed to talk to a doctor about this ridiculous anxiety and consider medication. I have been on medicine ever since. I am now 25 and I still have times when needing to medicated truly bothers me. And why should it? I have a legitimate problem and disease. You don't look down on people who are diagnosed with things like cancer or diabetes, so why should people with mental problems be looked down upon? I have been living with a chemical imbalance in my brain. The medicine fixes that. The only time I have been off of my medication was when I got pregnant. And I did okay, normal hormonal stuff I felt like was happening, but nothing too terrible. I had a couple of panic attacks, but I was about to be a MOM it was a big deal and I was nervous! I had a panic attack after having B, but really did just fine adjusting to life as a new mom after him. It wasn't until he stopped breast feeding that the post partum started, and I believe I have told that tale before. Even now, as I am on new medication for my new symptoms I have days where I just feel like shit (to put it bluntly). The worse days are rainy days. I wake up and I feel like the dark clouds made their way into my head, things that normally interest me don't. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and avoid people. I usually have to force myself out of the house and doing things that I know will make me feel better. Sure enough, I am usual grateful to myself for getting out and being social. And even more truthfully is how my B has saved me. You may think, "No interests? How can you even be a mother?" But B has never been a cause of my depression and he is the reason I make sure he is never ever affected by it. I want to be the best mother to that little boy that I can be and I can't do that and be depressed. So I suck it up, put on my tough girl helmet and show that gorgeous kid my biggest smile. Because that's what he deserves, the best of me. And usually I don't have to keep trying so hard after awhile because it's a natural endorphin for me to be with him. I really wasn't headed anywhere in particular before I got pregnant with B. I didn't know how being a mother would work for me, but I never expected to love it like I do. That kid is my life, my everything. He makes me happy every single day and it is so fulfilling to raise him. I don't know where I would be, or even if I would be if it wasn't for him. So yeah, I still have my bad days, but then I force myself to have some quality "me" time and I reflect on myself and think of all of these things and it usually helps perk me up some. I guess I don't have much of a point, but I do encourage everyone to realize that things like depression and post partum are very real and very scary. I am good at faking it and keeping a smile on my face, but I have had years of practice and an amazing partner who lets me take that "me" time when I need it. He is another thing keeping me going. He has always tried to understand no matter how confusing or upset I am. Life would be nothing without my boys.

2013 A Year End Review

As most people do, I like to take time on New Year's Eve and reflect upon the year that has passed and where I stand now as an adult. This year was not as eventful as last year, but a lot still happened. We hit the one year anniversary of my grandmother's passing. I cannot believe come February it will have been two years already. She was such a strong influence in my life and not a day goes by that I don't think about her and miss her. So much has happened since she has passed and I wish I could just sit down and talk to her about everything. I would love to know her thoughts and opinions. I would love to see her play with Brayden. I think that's the hardest part, knowing that my children will never know her. April came and Brayden turned a year old. Wow, I'm officially a mom of a toddler and he could not have more "boy" in him. He is now 20 months and into EVERYTHING!! He has developed a very stubborn and short tempered personality. He likes to be independent and climb and push and hit and shove. The only thing non-boy in him is that he hates messes. He is very neat and likes to keep things in their place. He is truly the greatest blessing in my life. I love to watch him grow and learn. And although motherhood has become more challenging as he's gotten older, it's still the most rewarding experience I have ever had. I love that little boy. My parents got a divorce this year. And while that is something that no child wants to go through, young or old, I feel as though I am coming to peace with things. I don't understand a lot of decisions made, but I know all of us will come out stronger in the end. And I hope that one day everyone will have the happiness they are looking for. Kurt and I have been together 7 years this November. I turned 25 and found myself in Disneyworld to celebrate. Truly one of the best vacations I ever have taken. All in all, I'm another year older, another year stronger, and another year colder. Life is not easy, so many ups and downs come throughout such a short period of time. It's crazy to see another year go by and face one more. I have so much more life to live and see and truthfully I couldn't be more excited and ready to live it.