Patience is the hardest test the Lord has ever given me.

As B starts school, and I am left to my own devices for hours at a time, I have found myself lost. Well, I have found myself lost since the realization of how little time I have until I graduate is. It's funny, because moving out here I never felt more sure of anything before in my life. I was confident that the Lord was leading me to this exact spot in life, and I still feel that way.

So, when I moved out here, and the confusion set in of "what next?" I found myself lost again. I have growing anxieties over a lot of things in my life. The first was my career path. Am I doing this for real? Is this a stupid dream? Am I just being silly? And despite the encouragement from my husband and best friends, I feel as though I was still floundering.

I turned to the Lord, because when I get to these mental places in my life I spiral. It starts small, simple stressors become something far worse. And when it's all over, I'm left in the fetal position crying hysterically and wondering why I even am here in the first place. Nothing is a coincidence, and I firmly believe that. The Lord gave me K. I don't know why, and I don't feel like I deserve him at all, but here he is. By my side. Always believing in me.

I picked up a devotional recently and began daily devotions. A lot of those devotions have spoken to me, and a lot of it is repeated answers.

Patience. Wait on the Lord, listen to Him, meditate on His Word.

It's hard, because the Lord didn't give me a lot of patience to begin with. So this is a new trait I have to dig out of myself. I watch a lot of Criminal Minds, and because they talk about psychological functions behind the behavior patters of the criminals, I am fascinated by it. I was watching one episode and one of the agents was afraid to fly. The other agent made the remark about how the fear of flying comes from a need to be in control. And I was like "Well, duh." But it's me. It's who I am. I have the need to be in control, because without control my anxiety would send my back to that fetal position I mentioned earlier.

Through this devotional I have heard the Lord's calling. The career path I am on, the direction I am headed is the direction He wants me to take. And I try to remind myself (as does He) of that all the time. My own fears in myself are from myself. I am standing in my own way.

And on another coin is my family. I struggle so much with the idea of having another baby. My heart has began to feel so torn by this idea that I get sick over it. Do I want a baby because of guilt? I cannot imagine my life without my sister and brother in it. In fact, if you were to ask me to pick out two people I trust the most on this Earth, it would be them. They are my heart and soul. I have lived periods of my life for them and them alone. So I feel this immense guilt that I am not giving someone like that to B. I hate myself for it. I am near a navy base and I'm surrounded by people growing their families every day. And I know, in my heart of hearts, I'd love and adore another child. It would bring great joy into our lives. And I used to think that because of my career choices I shouldn't have one, but now I think a little less of that thought. And again I am left lost and confused. Wondering what direction should I take. You hear it from both sides "have one" "dont have one" everyone needs to have an opinion about your own life. At the end of the day I just cry out, "Lord just tell me what to do! I don't know anymore!"

Isaiah 40 says, "Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

As I grow closer in my walk with Christ, I know he will lead me to all of my answers. I may not be a patient person, but I am a faithful one. I know He has a plan for me and my family, and the people I love. I know He has put us in certain places in our lives for a reason. And even though my anxious mind makes my life a bit harder than I'd like, my heart rests fully on Him.

Despite these anxieties, I feel good. I feel empowered, and I know this path is where I belong. And I am grateful I know Christ's love and have his hand to lead me.

Being Four

Being four means learning boundaries. It means talking back to mom and dad. It means thinking you know everything. It means learning confidence, even if it gets you in trouble most of the time.

I sometimes tease my husband that B is filled with all of our worst qualities:

• Stubborn as a mule (his side)
• Impatient and short-tempered (me)
• Doesn't listen well (him)
• Night owl and grumpy in the morning (me)
• Hates school (me again)

Be he's also:

• Empathetic and kind (dad)
• Loves to cuddle (dad)
• Creative (mom and dad)
• Loves music (mom and dad)
• laughs and enjoys life
• shops well
• travels wonderfully

I believe a lot of his attributes towards the end can be credited towards me and K having a more relaxed parenting style since he was an infant. We try really hard to let him experience life and learn and grow as he does without being too overbearing. 

I'm blessed to have this little boy. As much as he wears me out and has endless energy, he really is such a good boy. As he now embarks on the new adventures of school, I can't help wondering what the future holds for us. I'm not sure what road I take from here. For four years he's been my buddy, my sidekick. I'm kind of afraid to be on my own again. I know that, no matter what, God will help reveal that path. As He as lead me every step of the way thus far. 

Patience is a virtue, but it's hard to remember this sometimes. I'm going to be sad as nugget begins full-time school. It's hard to watch them grow up and away from you, but it's also one of the most rewarding experiences I've ever known.

Getting It Out

I feel like I've reached a weird place in life where I am actually about to graduate from college and I am faced with the ever awful, "what now?"

I feel obliged to take jobs near my husband, to learn Japanese because I am in Japan, and to keep to those "safe" routes of life. But I didn't go after this degree to be safe.

I spent the evening with K talking about our future and the things I am stressing out about. On one hand I want to pursue my dreams, but what does that mean? It means that no matter what, in 5 years K has to go back to the U.S. I, however, don't have to. If I land my dream job I can keep working there, sending him and my son to live back in the states without me for 2 years. And of course, I could land this job while we are overseas, still sending me into a career that takes me away from my family for extended periods of time.

It makes me feel like I am a bad mother. I want to pursue this job that leaves my son without his mother and despite technology, I don't know how often I will see him. It's a choice I have to make. I could get into a job, not like it, and quit. At least at the end of the day, I can say I pursued my dreams.

But what if I love my job?

What if it's everything I thought it would be and I don't want to quit. Am I still that bad mom?

K is the most supportive person in my life. He encourages me to do what I want to do, insisting he and B will be fine without me and we can just take things as they come. It doesn't make me feel any less guilty though.

Why do I have to feel guilty? Why do I have to feel like I'm choosing between my career and family and not making it work out so I can have both? I have a husband who is willing to let his wife live in another country for 2 years by herself if it means she's achieving her dreams. The person who is holding me back is me.

I just feel a bit lost. Do I take a break in learning Korean and concentrate on Japanese before getting back into Korean. Do I try both? Do I say screw Japanese and go hard at Korean? Because I can't do anything overseas if I can't hold a conversation with anyone in the industry.

These are the anxieties keeping me up at night, running over and over in my mind until I burst into tears in the middle of KFC when K makes a passing comment about eating dinner at home.

I just wish I didn't feel like I was neglecting one part of my life by going for another. My mind tells me to stop, and I don't even know if I will ever even end up in my dream jobs? But, I still want to try.

And after all of this, all of the encouragement and deciding "I can do this" once again. I feel scared.

I feel like I'm going after something that so many people think will never happen for me. I'm the kind of person who really digs in her heels and achieves what she wants, but it doesn't come without hard work and tears.

I can't find a job as it is, so I am going to spend the next 6 months studying another language like it's my duty in life and really give life my all. After tonight, I feel that empowerment again. Just a year ago I was scared of even applying to school again. But I'm doing it, I'm finishing my degree, I'm learning another language (possibly 2) and I'm going to go after my freaking dream job.

I'll probably just cry a lot in between. You know, anxiety and all.

3 Months in and I'm Still Here

I've been meaning to make this post for quite some time. Unfortunately, time is not always on our side, is it? As of July 13 I have been living in Japan for 3 months, and yeah, I still love it.

I don't have any friends. I am trying desperately to find a job, finish school, and not melt. However, these are all difficult things to accomplish while not being as socially awkward as I am. I went outside of my comfort zone and took B out to a special PT for Tots thing, and man my awkwardness is just uncanny. Met another American neighbor this week while at the park with B, again, I'm so socially awkward people could write books about me. I am stepping out of my comfort zones, however, and that is steps in the right direction.

I am applying for jobs a bit earlier than I planned. Due to some miscommunications we are looking at having to send B to Preschool off-base and we have to pay out of pocket for this. I definitely need work and I've begun applying to English teaching jobs. I am not good at teaching. At all. I've never been good at it, I have no patience for people. When they don't understand something I explain the first time I get irritated and short. A very great amount of people have suggested I home school B. Unfortunately, with my mental health, full time college courses, and overall crap-self; this isn't an option for me. First of all, I've tried. Since I am stuck in the house with him all day we go through Preschool learning books that he got for his birthday and he just doesn't listen to me at all. I'm also trying to learn Japanese with him, but it's like pulling teeth. I really hope he's only like this for me and not at school, but he needs much deeper structure and also kids to play with.

Which brings me back to the teaching thing. If I can't teach a 4-year old how to count to 10 in Japanese, how am I supposed to teach an adult how to English? I can't even teach myself.

I've also been suffering from insomnia during the last month! Fun facts, almost every website online will tell you the leading cause of insomnia is anxiety and stress. Up until this week, I haven't even been stressed or anxious so I'm not even sure why my body hates me? It's making my mental health decline and as a result I am just not in good shape.

A lot of praying has been happening this month. Mostly because I am unsure of where to go from here. K told me today that he knows I wanted to achieve some career goals and dreams while overseas and to go for it and we'll figure the rest out. And learning another language is hard. After the day is done and I've suffered in my classes online, suffered in my learning another language, and suffered in applying for jobs my self esteem is low. What if I'm doing it all wrong? Am I really supposed to be after these career goals? Was college a waste? Should I stay home and have more babies and try to teach my kids like everyone thinks I should be doing?

There is only One that can determine my path and I constantly pray for that path to be shown to me.

Nothing goes without hardships, but I guess I got so excited about how coming out here was good moves in our lives, that I had subconsciously expected it all to go perfect and smooth. But life isn't like that, is it?

This isn't to say I don't like Japan. I love it here! I can't wait for people to come visit me so I can show off my beautiful new home. It's just lovely, it's hot as crap right now, but it's lovely. We want to stay here as long as we can.

I know it's only been 3 months and I have a long road ahead of me. I just need a little more guidance, a little more faith, and a little less humidity. (it's hot!!)

Minimizing Your Life

If I have learned anything at all from this move it is how little I actually need in my life. I almost feel like I could get rid of most of the things I left in storage because I just don't need it nor want it?

I've been virtually living out of a suitcase for almost 3 months. I am in the process of washing and cleaning all of our clothes that got shipped over and I find myself getting rid of most of them. I just don't need it, not to mention I don't have the room for all of it.

The best part about getting rid of all of this stuff is the opportunity to get more things. There really is something to replacing whatever it is you're buying.

Don't get me wrong, I love books, shoes, and my k-pop cd collection takes up two shelves on my tv stand. But everything else is just...unnecessary? And getting rid of stuff in Japan is hard. It's not like the U.S. where you can hop on ebay or simply drop off of a box at Vintage Value. I realize now, I don't care if I'm losing money getting rid of some of this stuff. It's just stuff and unfortunately sometimes that means getting rid of things that you think are worth money. Are they worth the stress of finding the money for it?

I realize now it's kind of suffocating to own so much? Going through it all, unpacking and trying to find space for it. It's making me feel overwhelmed and I don't like it at all. I enjoyed having very little to deal with. Especially with where I am in my life where we are going out a lot and the amount of laundry I have to do is something I just don't have time for.

So I guess the point of this post is to say, if you ever want to minimize your lifestyle, live out of a suitcase for a month. Just a month, don't allow yourself clothes from anywhere else in your house. Pick out whatever fits in the suitcase and work from that alone.

I think you'll be surprised how much you'll want to get rid of things afterwards.

Let All That You Do Be Done In Love

Today our agent was kind enough to take us to meet our neighbors. She translated for us an introduction to who we were and where we were living. While getting ready I put on a long sleeved shirt and a band aid over my tattoo on my wrist. Japan is a country that has a stigma against tattoos, and while it's not uncommon to see a foreigner with one, I wanted to respect their tradition and culture. I'm not ashamed of my tattoo, but I am respectful and try to be as mannerly as possible. Americans are not always welcomed here, and not everyone agrees the U.S. should be on their soil. After I arrived here a Marine was convicted for the rape and murder of a 20 year old woman in Okinawa. My husband and I discussed this at length, I said to him "isn't it a shame that the majority have to suffer because of the minority?" Obviously most Americans and soldiers do not act disrespectfully. But who will you notice on the streets? The quiet people who did as they should, or the loud obnoxious drunk ones?

My husband's response was perfect, "We just have to show them that we're not all like that." And thus, we try extra hard to insert friendliness and respect wherever we go in the country. We are ambassadors here and we choose to represent that part of our country that is often muted. The ones who aren't full of themselves, loud about their opinions, and often times very very wrong about their entire way of life.

I could go on for days about my dislike for the ignorant country the United States has become, but that's neither here nor there. Back to my tattoo...

My 4-year old could not understand why I was covering it. Why would someone be judgmental of this simple thing on my wrist? He said to me, "but mommy I don't want anyone to be mad at you because of your tattoo." I never said the people would be mad, but that's what he took away from my explanation of them not liking tattoos very much.

I found myself struck with that moment of, "if only people could look at the world the way a child does". Children are raised from the beginning to be loving, kind, sharing, accepting, etc. Where do we go wrong? Where do we suddenly decide we are better than someone else? When do we stop the love?

I often joke that I am the hippie of my family and everyone hates when I go on my rants, but it led me to a discussion about church, the Lord, and raising our son with my husband. I feel as though I was put on this Earth, not to judge, but to be a representation of Christ's love in my life. I have felt led to the places I am in now. I know He has loved and blessed me repeatedly. I hope to be an example of Him. I want people to know me and think "she was so kind" and if the fact that I was Christian comes in to play, I'm glad. I don't hide it, because the Lord is the reason I am here today. Not only because of the breath I have been given, but because of the low points I have reached and how He has called me out of the darkness so many times over.

I am not perfect. I do not always have a kind tongue or warm heart. Especially around those I am comfortable with, who know I can be stubborn and down right mean. Those are not characteristics I enjoy about myself. I constantly aim to change my behavior. I want to encourage others, not show them my nasty side.

My neighbors are lovely, and because of the neighborhood I am in, there are multiple family members in each home. I was greeted by the grandparents of both houses today and they were both the kindest, sweetest people. Knowing next to know English, I have little doubt they wouldn't help me if I needed it somehow.

If everyone acted like this, showed the love and stopped passing so much harsh judgement on each other, what would the world be like?

It takes no effort at all to be nasty, so why does it take effort to be nice?

Traveling to Japan

So I wanted to talk about getting myself to Japan with nothing by my person and a 4-year old side kick.

Started out by oversleeping and leaving later than I wanted to which meant no coffee, so I'm already on a great start. But it gets better.

I proceed to get into the airport with my two suitcases, three carry-on's and son. Get to the check in and it won't work. Get to the counter the man says "Oh, these are government tickets and they weren't paid for yet."

"Can I just pay for them myself?" I ask him, ready to set the airport on fired.

"Do you have a government credit card?"

"No, I'm just the dependent."

"Then no, I'm sorry."

So panic is setting in. My flight takes off in a little over an hour and I haven't even gotten to security. I call up the husband and begin to panic. He tells me to call the travel agency the company uses. I call them and get this old guy with the thickest Boston accent I have ever heard who tells me "Oh you need to call Helen in Virginia." So I try to sound nice and hang up and call Helen. Helen is very nice, she is immediately concerned with this and tells me she's going to walk downstairs and take care of it personally to sit tight.

I call the husband in tears at this point because although everything can be fixed, I'm already feeling weird about the whole moving to another country bit on top of everything going wrong.

So Helen calls me back, tickets have been paid for. I go to check in and the lady tells me I have to take 10 collective lbs out of my suitcases. So I basically end up carrying even more crap then I originally intended on doing.

Plus I have a 4 year old.

So somehow I manage to get through security, stop at the convenience store, grab juice and milk, take my magic happy pills, get chocolate milk into my kid, get on first plane.

First plane ride was just fine. B did great, he was a little nervous, but he enjoyed it. I fed him some yogurt from the convenience store and he was excited to get sprite. He played his gameboy and I tried to relax and rest.

We land on that plane and we end up being close to the last ones off because, again I'm carrying three bags and have a 4-year old. We have literally an hour until the other plane takes off. I get on the train, get to the gate, get to another convenience store and stock up on some protein bars, cheeze its (a must with B) and some waters. We get back in line in time for them to start calling the zones. There are some perks to looking like a ruffled mother with too many bags and her kid. 1. I had a military passport, meaning I was traveling on my orders. So when the people saw the red they mostly just let me go. I get on the plane which is a house on wheels. The flight attendant sees my struggle and immediately helps me out and takes my bag to put up into the thing for me. We get settled in and it's a bit tight, but it wasn't terrible. I'm so glad I chose aisle seats because I was able to stand up and move about a lot easier. The girls in our row were very kind and I'm pretty sure B's head was resting against one of their arms while he slept.

Which was only for 2 hours.

Out of the 12 hours flight.

But he was great, he just played and watched movies and I actually had to make him mad and stand up and stretch and move around and go potty. He was content sitting there for 12 hours doing nothing. He's my kid, what can I say?

The flight was otherwise uneventful. We landed a few minutes early and had to wait for the next plane to move out of our gate. Well, B decided that was the time to fall asleep and passed OUT. So I literally waited for everyone to get off the plane before even beginning to get him to move. Again, another flight attendant sees my struggle and takes one of my bags to the end of the plane for me. B is slow moving, still half asleep and I'm glad we were there for good because there was no way I would have made a connecting flight with him moving so slow.

We get to customs and immigration and the line is unreal. B tells me as soon as we get into line he has to pee and it's an emergency and the bathrooms are of course the entire distance away from where we are standing. So I gather all of our crap, get him to the potty, and get back in line. We get in line and he starts crying. He wants me to hold him, but I am holding a backpack, a messenger bag that weighs 100 lbs, and dragging his tiny darth vader bag. This only makes him cry harder.

I try and try to get him to settle down, but he's having none of it and so I cave and pick him up. I am literally balancing him on the messenger bag against my stomach and pulling the vader bag. People are, at this point, beginning to make comments. "Oh do you have a connecting flight?" "No, we are here for the next 3 years. My husband is on the other side of this." The nice man in front of me asked if he could carry a bag for me and just as I was going to answer one of the Japanese immigration women came up to me and asked to see my passports. When I showed her she pulled me out of line and took me over to the priority line that had 3 people in it.

God bless this woman, I hope she finds money on the ground.

I get through the rest with no problems. At baggage claim I grab one of those carts that keeps me from dying. I get to customs, the guy sees my passport, asks me if I have any weapons, when I say no he lets me go through.

God bless that lovely man.

Finally, we are reunited with Kurt. B is excited and I go to the convenience store when I find a Japanese magazine with 2PM on it (a band for those who don't know) and I am a happy mom for the 2 hours we have to wait for the next bus because we missed the first one.

It's all good though, the bus showed up and I think B and I were on it for maybe 10 minutes before we both passed out.

All in all, everything could have been much worse. Things could have gone downhill and everything could have been crap. My kid is amazing, he's so excited about being here and he's going to fit in just fine. The husband is also doing amazing and is loving his job and fitting in great.

I have a lot of anxieties still. I don't know anyone here so of course that makes me anxious. The thought that this is my new home for the next few years is still a lot to wrap my head around. But I'm not sad about it. I am still excited for the adventure. I see things and I think "I can't wait for people to visit me so I can show them this." I've started leaving post its of Japanese words all over the house in hopes of learning it quicker. I also hope after my classes on base, I will find a Japanese course I can take. Once I am more comfortable in the language I will be more comfortable here, I think.

Regardless, we made it! We are safe! And God's plans are better than our own.

Thanksgiving

As much as life hands us stresses and ordeals to go through, this year in particular, I am trying to remain humble. I am blessed, I have a husband who loves and supports me. I have a husband who has encouraged me to go back to school, who has sat down with me and encouraged my career development, and truly pushes me to better myself.

I have a tiny rock in the form of a three year old nightmare. He refuses to use the potty no matter what we do and his energy levels could make the energizer bunny jealous, but he is my life support. He grounds me. I honestly do not know where I would be without him. God has a purpose for everything, B has held a lot of purposes in my life. I often feel guilty because I'm not sure I want to have another child. If we do have another one, I am not sure when it will happen. I feel like he deserves siblings because I cannot imagine my life without my siblings in it. But again, I know God has a purpose and will lead me down the right path. Until then I truly try to remember every moment with him now. He's not a baby anymore, not at all. And that makes me really sad. And sometimes I would like to kill him. But I love him dearly.

Me: Santa won't bring you presents if you are bad.
B: Yes he will, Santa is my CHRISTMAS FATHER. HE IS MY PRESENT GUY!

I have family who love me. I won't lie, in the past three years the burden of caring for our families has left me and K feeling stressed and overwhelmed. But at the end of the day they love us and we love them. I am grateful to have family that we are close to and cherish as much as we do.

K has a job that can support us, I have a job that can give us extra things in life and pay for my schooling.

I am in school and doing really well. This is the best I've ever done in school. Has it been easy? Oh no. I have cried at least once a month since I've started. K has held me threw my tantrums and pushed me to succeed (only fair I had to do the same to him when he was in school).

I have some of the best friends I could ever ask for. We've all grown so much in different ways, but I know who is my friend and there when I call at any time.

I have lived a full life and never truly understood what it means to suffer. I have had my fair share of ups and downs, but I have always been a blessed person. The terrorism happening around the world hurts my heart and I cannot imagine suffering from that first hand. Being in that.

I am blessed and so thankful for my life. The Lord truly has given me so many wonderful things and I never want to take them for granted.

Not Losing Me

So in the midst of having ridiculous break downs this summer, I woke up and realized I did have a career I wanted to do. I want to be a manager for entertainers. I want to help them stay organized, keep their schedules, and give them someone to trust.

And while I now have this career path in mind I also have to remember I am a wife and a mother. As is brought up all the time, women in these roles are put in such a rough position. While I want to be myself and achieve my goals, I have to remember my responsibilities as a mother. I made the decision to become a mom and therefore I have been learning how to prioritize my life. 

It's not easy, part of me has those thoughts of wishing I could be selfish and focus soully on myself. I finally know what I want to do with my life! Why did this have to happen after my marriage and son? Well it did. So now I have to move on from that.

I have such an amazing husband and partner. I am blessed to be able to stay at home and raise my son while I go back to school. What a blessing! It definitely helps me make sure I focus on my son while still giving myself the education I need. 

I think it's important as parents that we make our children aware that we are humans too. We have goals and a life. We had these before kids and we will have them after they are grown and leave the house. I feel like showing my son this in giving him the sight of goal setting too. 

I just wish that raising my son and having a career didn't come with such time management. I guess it's helping me prepare for my job. But it still sucks when I feel like I'm being selfish for wanting to achieve some things for myself. 

Regardless, I'm learning and I feel like I'm finally getting the hang of it. At the end of the day as long as I do my absolutely best for my family I can sleep soundly at night.

B is Two!

Two years ago today at this time (10:15 pm) I was sitting in my hospital room anxiously awaiting the arrival of my little man. I cannot believe it has been two years already! My little B has been the biggest blessing in my life, I truly could not love him more. I wanted to dedicated this post to him by filling out a questionnaire about my little man.

A conversation with B (2 years old);
Favorite Food: Spaghetti
Least Favorite Food: Tomatoes (Ironic, right?)
Favorite Sport: Anything involving a ball!
Favorite Television Show: Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and Jake and the Neverland Pirates
Favorite Thing To Do: Slide down the slide
Favorite Song: "Happy" by Pharrell, "What Does the Fox Say?" Yvelis
Favorite Book: "Animal Strike at the Zoo"
Favorite Movie: Jungle Book, Monsters Inc, Brave, and Frozen (But Disney movies are awesome)
Three Words That Describe Me: Stubborn, Short-tempered, Giving

B, while stubborn and short-tempered, is so very kind. He will randomly bring you a toy, share his food, and bring the dog her toys. He will come up and snuggle with you and give you a kiss. He is so loving and kind-hearted and that makes me melt. He is the sweetest little boy and is so fun. Anything to make you smile.

I have enjoyed every day of B's life. He has given me a whole new outlook on life. I cannot wait to watch him grow and learn more and more. I love my little B! Happy Birthday baby boy!

Spring Break

Spring is here and thus comes more activities with Easter, Spring Break, nice weather, etc.

We have been busy. We have visited the easter bunny, gone egg hunting, and I have been getting ready for B's birthday party. I cannot believe Easter is already this weekend! It's like April came and went in a flash.

B got his birthday present early this year. We got him a slide that he can climb over and under. I got it at a consignment fair and he has not stopped sliding on it since! He is thrilled and he definitely uses it to climb all over instead of me and my couch! It definitely has helped a lot on these rainy afternoons.

I've been re-watching That 70's Show. Have you ever watched the entire series the whole way through? It's on Netflix and I highly recommend it. It's such a hilarious show and I have watched it the entire way through at least 4 times. It's one of my favorite shows and one of the only shows whose series finale did it justice.

So there is what you can do next time you're bored!

Musical B

My little B is such a talented kid musically. He may not be talking, but he's singing! Today we were running errands and Katy Perry's "Roar" came on the radio; and the part where she's singing "roar" over and over and building B sang with her. At the climax of the song he made a real big face and sang it real loud. It was literally perfect and precious. I think I will miss these moments the most as he is in between talking and using his own chatter. We finished our errands around nap time and B started to drift off in the car and I turned on our favorite song. I used to sing it to him when he was a baby and he would always fall asleep. The song is "Fix You" by Cold Play, but my favorite version is sung by Tyler Ward and Boyce Avenue. I have that version on my ipod and when B is falling asleep in the car I will turn it on and he falls asleep without fail. I love to sing it to him and I love the words behind the song. I feel like it delivers a message of love and support and that's what I want B to know while growing up. That his mom and dad always love and support him. Here are the lyrics of the song and the video of the version I like the best. I hope it makes your day better.
Here is the video

When you try your best, but you don't succeed When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you And high up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you Tears stream down your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down your face And I... Tears stream down your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down your face And I... Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you

The sun's awake! So I'm awake!

Sunny week for the rest of the week! I am so happy with this news! Today we spent the greater part of the morning outside playing with friends and I hope to get my butt in gear and get outside for the rest of the week at some time. It also means more dog park time for B and Allie! Have I talked about how much B likes the dog park? Seriously. Almost more than the dogs! He loves running around the big open field and throwing the balls around for the pups. Sometimes he gets knocked over, but for the most part I make sure we are around friendly pups and the owners don't care. Anyway, the kids love running around so much at that park and there is a nice path to run around. Yay spring is here!

Mom Life

I am so blessed to be a stay at home mother in this economy. It is a blessing I try very hard not to take for granted. Especially on days like yesterday when no matter what I did B reacted negatively. He was fussy, whiny, and cried over everything! I have been struggling with the latest change in doses of my medicine and my patience just ended. I ended up snapping at B and yelling at him. This made me feel guilty, thus resulting in me crying. This cause B to cry and be concerned about me. Yesterday was not a good day. Days like that are hard to find the positive outlook on life. Especially when you already feel anxious and depressed. Being a mom is even harder. I run my household, plan meals, clean, and raise a beautiful little boy. And even with dream jobs you can have a bad day. I just hate having those bad days because I feel inadequate as a mother. Why can't I handle this? Why do I have to feel so depressed about silly things? Luckily I have a great support group. My hubby came home from lunch, my mom called me on her break, and I have a wonderful group of moms that I can talk to and vent to. I am so blessed and grateful to God for the blessings in my life. Even in my bad days I can take a time out and count my blessings. This is the start to turning a negative day positive. It's never easy and no one is perfect, but it's still worth trying.

Wont You Be My Neighbor?

K recently told me that there is a show on Netflix that B has been very interested in, and it was a PBS show so we were both happy. I didn't put much thought into it until I watched a show start from finish one day. The show I am talking about is Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. I PBS spin-off of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood and his make believe land that the trolley would visit. I was immediately thrown back into my own toddler self. Mr. Roger's was my main man for a while. I loved watching him go explore different things, I loved his fish tank, his sweaters always made me happy that they matched his shoes, and make believe land was a fun trip. Daniel Tiger lives in make believe land, the king is there and everything! I couldn't believe it! In the specific episode I watched, he went to the post office with his mom and there was a cartoon version of the mail man who always visited Mr. Rogers! I was immediately excited about this being B's new favorite show (seriously every time he turns on Netflix he turns it on). One episode he watched yesterday was about anger and how to calm down from getting angry about something. Little B has a bad temper, so I was very glad to see a show like this existed. I appreciate Disney Junior and every show on it; I feel like there are lessons in each show. However, where Disney Junior seems to offer more scholastic lessons, Daniel Tiger seems to offer more emotional lessons. Exploring how kids feel when they lose a favorite toy, when their parents leave them for a bit, and when they get upset about something. They explore those feelings and they do not discredit them, but encourage kids to work through them. I really appreciated the show's meanings. Anyway, I was more excited about hearing that familiar tune at the beginning of the episode and watching Daniel put on a sweater and riding the trolley. What a cool idea for a television show! And now my little B gets to grow up watching something so familiar to my own favorite! On an unrelated note, B has begun talking a bit more! We are watching a friend's little one who talks quite a bit and has been for awhile. I had always hoped while watching her, that B would pick up on some words. Well, this morning it was like the switch turned on. "Oh, she's actually communicating to mom and dad. Not just saying nonsense like me." Suddenly he threw out the words, "yay", "bye", and "wa wa". Such a big step from the one and only "ball" we have been hanging on to for months now. Don't get me wrong, B will talk your ear off! Unfortunately, he speaks his own language. I cannot believe I will soon be able to communicate with him like two normal human beings! The more he grows, the more in awe I am at the fast developments of children. They learn SO much in such a short amount of time and they learn it from us! How cool is that? I cannot believe my little baby is a little boy and continuing to grow! I don't think I will ever get over it! I will be the embarrassing mom at his graduation saying how just yesterday he was in diapers! I'm okay with that.

P is for Positive

I saw this picture on Pinterest today and I thought again of how I truly believe in being in charge of my own happiness. So I wanted to share this to remind myself and others of this quote. Sometimes hormones get involved, or your day just plain sucks. That doesn't mean you don't have the ability to change it! Little man is turning 2 in almost 1 months! (ACK!) And he is ACTING LIKE IT!! Every day he becomes more of a terror. He cries and becomes angry ALL THE TIME!! FOR NO REASON!! It can be so hard to deal with! Especially as I am dealing with my own emotions while lowering my medication levels. I have had to take a couple of steps back some days and really center myself and re-focus my energy on why he is upset. I find new things to do, or I simply go walk around Target for a half hour to give him a new environment. Today was a beautiful day outside! We were able to go to the park and play and use energy that way! It was wonderful! I am trying to stay positive about the weather forecast for Tuesday. Snow. Again. The cold ALWAYS bothered me, anyway. So this weekend go outside, enjoy the beautiful weather, and be positive! Your entire being influences the people around you. A smile can change a life.

Motivational Wednesday

Because my last post was so gross and full of complaints, I feel complied to equal out my complaining with being positive. Hopefully I can motivate some friends and family in the process of explaining how I motivate myself. First and foremost I like to start off by saying I truly believe that you are in charge of your own happiness. You can wake up in the morning and have slept poorly, missed your cup of coffee, and decide the day is going to be crap. Or you can decide to treat yourself to an extra special lunch and keep a smile on your face. Each day is how you make it and if you decide to be a spoil sport about life, well your day is bound to suck. I'm not saying this is an easy task. Clearly when you are in a bad mood it's not easy just "getting over it". And when someone tells you to "get over it" it usually ends up making you more crabby. The challenge is to try. It's like a habit, the more you try the more positive you become on a daily basis. So next time you are having a bad day I challenge you to take a step back and focus on your attitude. Can you change it for the better? The next thing I like to try to do is say a prayer. I like to take a moment and humble myself and chat with God about what's going on. Ask for His help in my attitude change, and most importantly, thank Him for my blessings. Because as always, things could be worse. Usually my little frustrations are something others wish could be their own frustrations instead of what they are dealing with. Example; I was sitting in the doctor's office with B to figure out why he had been throwing up on and off for two weeks straight. I hate having to take him to the doctors, and I hated that he was sick. It hadn't been the best day and I was a bit sour about it. Then walked in someone I graduated high school with. Mind you, I graduated in 2007, not even 10 years ago. In that short amount of time this young person had been married, had children, had step children, and lost their significant other very suddenly to a disease that came so quick. They had no warning, the person got sick and died in a very short amount of time. This person is my age and now they are trying to raise multiple children and mourn the loss of their love? What a way to put your life into perspective. Here I am with my precious B who is not deathly ill, and I am texting my husband about waiting so long in the waiting room. What a life I have! It's a beautiful one and I NEVER want to take it for granted! Humble yourself and pray. Sometimes that simple act can change your day. As much as I can have bad days and bad moods; working out and eating healthier have changed my life. I am trying to force myself into this lifestyle change. I am working on making exercise a routine and stop the buying of junk food. It's not easy at all, but what little I have already incorporated into my life makes me feel significantly better on a daily basis. I feel better about myself and my self esteem. Even if I only do about 10 minutes of floor work in a day, that's better than doing nothing. And that's the attitude I try to keep. Something is better than nothing at all. Even if it is only taking a small walk outside, at least you got off of your couch! One step at a time, baby steps DO count and they SHOULD make you feel better about yourself! Missing a day of working out is not the end of the world, just add another 5 minutes the next day. And like I said, at least you're doing something! What have you done for yourself today? Always take a few minutes of the day for yourself. Sometimes this is near impossible, especially as a parent. Sometimes you have to sacrifice sleep in order to have these few minutes. That's okay. Sometimes my few minutes is me hiding in the bathroom after K comes home and simply getting on my phone to play a game for a few minutes. With the bathroom fan on, I cannot hear the commotion going on outside of the door and I can find my center. These are just some of the things that I do to help myself out of my funks. Sometimes it takes more, sometimes I need to hide away in the basement after dinner and watch television or read a trashy book. And sometimes I just need to take a step back and force myself to "get over it". This morning I forced myself to get things done, I slowly hacked away at my to do list and the more I did the more motivation I had to KEEP at it. Soon, my to do list was complete and I feel amazing about myself. All because I kicked myself in the butt and forced the work out. I hope this helps some of you to get motivated and feel better about yourself. You are in charge of your own happiness! You can do it!

Countdown to 2

My almost 2 year old is already giving me samples of "terrible two" syndrome. This week: the battle of B versus the word "no". Disclaimer: I love my son. Read any of my posts and you will know that I love my son more than life itself. He is the greatest blessing I have ever known. That being said, he is also human. Most moms say that terrible twos is a real thing, some say it's threes; and unfortunate few are wondering when the "terrible" actually stops. I've always regarded moms with respect because I could see from day 1 how stubborn my little boy was. I soon learned that not only was he stubborn (just like his father), but he was incredibly short tempered (I will take blame for this trait). Now that we are only a few short months from reaching 2, his fun little quirks have now enhanced to all out battles. As I stated above, this week it is B versus the word "no". Actually it's B versus any word that comes out of mom's mouth because he truly does not listen to a thing I say. He climbs, he throws, he hits, he pulls; he is 100% boy. Of course this means he doesn't listen to save his life. I take dangerous things from him (like electronics or knives--you know death causing items) and I try to calmly explain that it can hurt him. Unfortunately my words fall on deaf ears because he's laying on the floor screaming bloody murder. I've read parenting articles on this fun toddler stage of life, and I am currently reading a book about raising boys and how scientists believe boys think versus girls. So I try to remember what I've read as I try to approach things in a different light. AKA not just yelling at him and constantly putting him in time out. Again, he could care less. He is beginning to learn, as I have told him since the day he was born, that I can out-stubborn any Dronenburg. This is an unfortunate thing for him as today he tried to climb on the couch to jump on it for probably a good 5 minutes, while I pulled him off and repeated "no" over and over again. Eventually he gave up and is currently on a tent that he knocked on it's side and is jumping on it. As every mom before me, I am left exhausted and ready to throw in the towel. And we are not even 2 yet. I am glad for the family roots in me that have left me unwilling to admit defeat. I refuse to lose to a young child and this fuels me to stay patient and loving. Plus, my kid is cute. And that helps. Needless to say, I know my experienced mothers out there can read this and laugh at my naive and inexperienced nature, and reflect on the times when their own son (or daughter) did the same to them. I know one day I will look back on this post and laugh myself, as B calls me to complain about his own son. Because Karma is real people.

Galentine's Day

Snow storm "Pax" has made it's way to Southern Maryland. We down at the end here were not hit too hard last night! Just hard enough to be kept in from school's and the base employees to take liberal leave. B was still able to go to his Valentine's party with his friends and mom got some grocery shopping done at Target. Unfortunately, our adventure we had planned to Disney On Ice was cancelled! We were not happy about this! We are hoping to be able to hit another showing this weekend, but snow has started falling again as night fell on the town! Tina and I decided to make the most of it and B got his Valentine's Day present early! Tonight we went to one of our favorite restaurants, Ruddy Duck, for dinner followed by PJs and The Jungle Book!

Funny story about Jungle Book; my mom used to play it for me all the time. According to her, I would be quiet and watch the whole movie and she was able to take a nap after my brother was born. As an adult, I remember hating this movie growing up. I have sore memories of King Louie and the snake with the creepy eyes. And the end was sad because the kid had to actually be a human and it basically underlines the fact that you can have some fun in life, but you always have to face responsibilities and reality at the end of the day. Either way, B is obsessed with animals, particularly the jungle ones so I thought this movie might be right up his alley. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to be that into it. We will try again another day.

Book Worm

My little man is quite the avid reader. He will pull book after book off of the book case if you keep offering to read them to him. He has always been this way, since he could touch a book. He is the same with movies. If he is upset or bored, I will turn on a movie and BOOM instant gratification from him. He loves Disney and almost any Disney movie will please him. He absolutely loves Brave and Hercules. A recent favorite has become Robin Hood; which was my favorite growing up so that makes me happy. His current favorite books are "Animal Strike at the Zoo" and "Star Wars 123" which speaks highly of his interests right now. I decided recently on a Zoo theme for his birthday party this year because he absolutely loves animals. He has many animal books that he will go to over and over and he is particularly fond of giraffes and elephants. I'm really excited because he also LOVES to play with balls and I found Zoo themed beach balls! Anyway, these are his two favorite books...

Another thing B is huge on is music. This kid tries to play "drums" and taps his hands on things, claps to the beat of the music, and dances. He dances and sings along to everything. He would match our pitch almost perfectly at 18 months and he now will finish singing some of his favorite songs if we sing the beginning lines. It astounds just how musically talented he is already at such a young age. I often see him growing up to be the next teen pop star. I don't know if that's something I'd want for him, but if he's that talented then why not? I definitely want to keep encouraging him with his love for music to see where it takes him. He literally has his own playlist on my youtube of his favorite songs and videos and will watch them all on repeat. One of his favorite songs is Ollie Murrs "Heart Skips a Beat". If you have never heard it before I highly recommend you go look it up. Tell me it's not worth it? It will be interesting to see where these random interests and talents take my kid. I can't wait to look back on this post a few years from now and compare where he is.