The Thing About Depression...

Despite my want of a more light-hearted and fun blog, I feel it necessary to touch on this subject; as I have been suffering all week. Depression, in my opinion, cannot really be defined. It can, however, be taken more seriously by more people. Let's face it, everyone feels depressed sometimes! Your brain takes longer to heal over some things then others and that's okay! But because everyone deals with this, it makes it more of a "Well here, just take this" kind of disease then a real life medical problem. I inserted a picture of a comparison of two brains. I saw it the other day and it really struck me how it is something real.

I would not say I have suffered from depression for my entire life, but I have suffered from anxiety. It was one of those things I suffered with as a young child that went away for a random period of time until I hit puberty and it came flooding back. It wasn't until I was 22 years old that I actually decided to talk to someone about it. I had just brought in my new puppy and my parents were out of town that weekend. The first night I had the pup she woke me up in the middle of the night crying and as I let her outside I too started crying. "What was I thinking?" "I can't raise an animal!" "My anxiety is giving her anxiety!" "How can I take care of this tiny life?" "If I don't train her right I will ruin her life!" Doesn't this all sound ridiculous? But it's real. It's real fear that is running through my head. I had a panic attack. I couldn't stop shaking and I couldn't breath, I just kept staring at the puppy giving me her big sad eyes and I would get worse. The next night I decided to spend more time with my husband (then fiance). As the night was coming to an end of the night, I couldn't help but start feeling that anxiety all over again. I couldn't handle being alone with this dog. I walked into K's room in panic. It was the first time I think he saw a true panic attack and realized that all of my worries and anxieties were real. I sat down next to him and started to have another panic attack. He stared at me in shock as he held my puppy, but soon he was in action. He helped me calm down and has always been the person I rely on the most when my anxiety happens even to this day. Some how he can rationalize my crazed thoughts and find solutions for me. He helped me realize I needed to talk to a doctor about this ridiculous anxiety and consider medication. I have been on medicine ever since. I am now 25 and I still have times when needing to medicated truly bothers me. And why should it? I have a legitimate problem and disease. You don't look down on people who are diagnosed with things like cancer or diabetes, so why should people with mental problems be looked down upon? I have been living with a chemical imbalance in my brain. The medicine fixes that. The only time I have been off of my medication was when I got pregnant. And I did okay, normal hormonal stuff I felt like was happening, but nothing too terrible. I had a couple of panic attacks, but I was about to be a MOM it was a big deal and I was nervous! I had a panic attack after having B, but really did just fine adjusting to life as a new mom after him. It wasn't until he stopped breast feeding that the post partum started, and I believe I have told that tale before. Even now, as I am on new medication for my new symptoms I have days where I just feel like shit (to put it bluntly). The worse days are rainy days. I wake up and I feel like the dark clouds made their way into my head, things that normally interest me don't. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and avoid people. I usually have to force myself out of the house and doing things that I know will make me feel better. Sure enough, I am usual grateful to myself for getting out and being social. And even more truthfully is how my B has saved me. You may think, "No interests? How can you even be a mother?" But B has never been a cause of my depression and he is the reason I make sure he is never ever affected by it. I want to be the best mother to that little boy that I can be and I can't do that and be depressed. So I suck it up, put on my tough girl helmet and show that gorgeous kid my biggest smile. Because that's what he deserves, the best of me. And usually I don't have to keep trying so hard after awhile because it's a natural endorphin for me to be with him. I really wasn't headed anywhere in particular before I got pregnant with B. I didn't know how being a mother would work for me, but I never expected to love it like I do. That kid is my life, my everything. He makes me happy every single day and it is so fulfilling to raise him. I don't know where I would be, or even if I would be if it wasn't for him. So yeah, I still have my bad days, but then I force myself to have some quality "me" time and I reflect on myself and think of all of these things and it usually helps perk me up some. I guess I don't have much of a point, but I do encourage everyone to realize that things like depression and post partum are very real and very scary. I am good at faking it and keeping a smile on my face, but I have had years of practice and an amazing partner who lets me take that "me" time when I need it. He is another thing keeping me going. He has always tried to understand no matter how confusing or upset I am. Life would be nothing without my boys.

My Birthing Experience

On Saturday morning at 6:45 am I woke up, as I do commonly at that time to pee. As I stepped foot into my bathroom, I felt my water break. It was a strange feeling, sort of like peeing yourself, except at 9 months pregnant you knew what it meant. It was one day after my due date. I quickly woke my husband in a panic and he calmly had me sit on the toilet for a minute as the flow continued and put me in the shower as he called my mom to let her know the games had begun. Allie had a doctor's appointment that morning at 9 am for her bandage change and we quickly arranged for her to be dropped off at K's parent's house and to stay with them for the duration of my hospital time. We arrived at the hospital shortly after 8 am and told them my water had broken. They checked us in quickly and put me in a gown on a hospital bed. I did not realize that when your water broke, it continued to leak up until the baby was to arrive. Something that really grossed me out, but luckily they had towels that I could keep in between my legs. They hooked me up to an IV, took my blood, and I rested while watching How I Met Your Mother while some contractions slowly began to kick in. A couple hours passed and my doctor arrived and had me put on patosin (or however you spell it) to get my contractions moving more quickly. Well, that stuff worked! Around the time that I started watching "I Almost Got Away With It" my mom showed up and the real fun began. I knew I was going to have a low pain tolerance, but what I wasn't counting on was my contractions deciding to be sporadic and not in a timely fashion to help me get through them. Around lunch time I decided to get some pain medicine to be able to get my body to relax and start dilating. At this time I was only roughly 1 cm. Finally, not long after the medication began to wear off my doctor came in to check me. She told me I had reached 3 cm of dilation and I was then able to receive the Epidural if I wanted to do that. I was a bit conflicted at first because both my husband and myself had wanted me to try and wait until I was a bit more dilated until I used the Epidural. But I had also said I did not want pain medication (it affects the baby a little bit) and I had gone against my wishes in that form as well. Finally, after much anxiety and pain I decided to use the Epidural. Let me tell you, the pain level I was reaching before that Epidural was a 9.5 and I knew when I hit 10 I would be miserable. Luckily, by the grace of God, I did not have a hard contraction while the anesthesiologist inserted the Epidural and I had enough time to get comfortable back in bed before it kicked in. It was really weird, not being able to really feel my legs or move them. But I knew the baby was not affected by this medication and could continue his process down the birth canal without me tensing up and slowing it down. I was able to sleep off and on after that. Forgetting Sara Marshall came on tv and I love that movie and got to watch it while my mom and K took turns having dinner. During this time I had a nurse named Natasha. She was what I needed in that stage of labor because she was very confident and almost blew off my anxiety, which helps me to calm down because she reassured me in her confidence that I would be okay. My next nurse was a woman named Skye who later informed me that she also suffered from anxiety disorder. She was brilliant and loving and the perfect nurse for me during my final stage of labor. I hit about 4 cm dilation and the baby's heart rate began to drop. They then had to attach the thing to his scalp which monitors his heart rate better, and added something else to monitor my contractions better. His heart rate was still not where it needed to be so they added amniotic fluid to my uterus, thinking that there was pressure being put on the umbilical cord. Finally they put me on some oxygen and Skye told me that if it didn't go up, I would need to have an emergency C-section to deliver him. I was okay with this, in fact, I never once was anxious during any of this time. I know my mom and K began to worry enough for all of us and I remained calm; knowing that if I panicked my body would only do more harm than good to the situation. Luckily, after the fluid was put inside of me and I had some oxygen, his heart rate went back to where it needed to be. Around midnight they came and checked me and told me that he had made his way a great deal down the birth canal and that if it continued I would barely have to push him out. He was doing it all on his own. Around this same time a huge thunder storm started brewing outside and shortly after, the hospital lost electricity. That's when I began to panic. I could feel my baby down in my pelvic region and I knew it was time to start pushing him out, but I was terrified to do it without electricity. I was also terrified of the pain and discomfort I was beginning to feel and knew that he was coming and it was time. My anxiety built up, but Skye and K talked me through it, and they cut on some lights via generator and it was time to deliver my baby boy. I pushed for 20 minutes, the longest and shortest 20 minutes of my entire life. Everyone kept telling me how awesome I was doing, my mom and Skye held my legs while K stayed at my head, but they could all see my baby boy crowning while I pushed. They offered me a mirror, but I declined, I could feel what they were telling me. He was RIGHT there and yet I felt that I could not push anymore. It was so freaking painful and I literally felt like I was being torn a new butt hole. I was scared and yet in between pushes I knew I had zero choice but to push again. My head was swimming as I felt the doctor stick her hands around his head and I knew if I pushed longer he would be here. And there was his head, I was briefly concerned because it still hurt, but one more push and my baby boy was brought into this world. It was the most incredible experience of my entire life. You can literally not help anyone get through this until they do it on there own. I now understand why I felt abandoned by mothers everywhere during my pregnancy when I was anxious and they really had nothing to offer me. It's because until you go through it, you cannot even fathom what it is like. To look down and see him there was life changing. I mean, there he was a live human being that came from inside of me. I was finally staring at his beautiful face and it was perfect. I half cried while K was able to cut the umbilical cord, tears in his own eyes. As it turns out, his umbilical cord was really short, hence the heart rate dropping during labor. They had to keep him in front of me and cut it real quick before he was finally in my arms and silently stared up at me with his beautiful face while K and my mom cried and touched him and kissed me. I wish I could give every woman in labor the feel of that moment, because even though you go through so much pain and torment before AND after birth, you still think back on the moment you looked down and laid eyes on him and you cannot even put words to the feelings you have. It is what has gotten me through my postpartum, I think of that moment and I just can't believe it happened. I finally let the nurse take him to begin his clean up process while I began mine. I had to get some stitches, but I was still so high I couldn't even care what was happening below me. I watched K take my baby's pictures and just swoon over his son while the nurse took care of him. I was so elated that I could't believe it. Then they put me back together, got me settled into bed, and my hormones finally reached me and I broke. I'm so grateful for my mother because my baby was safe in her arms while I helplessly lost control of every emotion and had a panic attack. I couldn't even enjoy my baby at first because of this and that was hard. Skye and K were quick to my rescue. I was in so much pain down below and being in a panic attack, I focused on that pain and lost my cool. Of course, having a panic attack made it 10 times worse because I wasn't relaxed in the slightest bit. Skye called down to the Pharmacy (the computers were still not working despite the fact that the electricity came back on shortly after my baby was born) and threatened their lives if someone didn't have me some pain medication up there STAT. After two Perciset (or however you spell it) and a motrin, I finally calmed down and was able to enjoy my baby. I can't even really remember the rest of the night after that. Baby boy was born at 1:39 AM and then an emergency came into the hosptial followed by another mother in labor and they kind of rushed me out of my room and put me in a postpartum room. I was so tired but probably got 1-2 hours of sleep the whole night. I was sore, I was exhausted, and I was completely aware of every move and noise the baby made that first night. My mom let K go home and get some rest while she stayed with me in the hospital. The next day a tech came in and helped me figure out the breast feeding situation and my family took turns coming in throughout the day to meet my baby and see him. I did so well while people visited and held him. In fact, I've been very relaxed about it (well, more relaxed than I thought I would be). The first night with K and myself was a rough one. He would and wouldn't feed, and he was gassy and would cry and cry and finally after two hours in a rocking chair, K called the nurse to come put him in a swing and let us sleep. I got a good 4-5 hours of sleep that night which was much needed and the next night I was able to get used to waking up off and on with him in the room. I was very nervous to come home, my hormones were already out of whack and I would cry and cry for no reason at all. Now I was supposed to be sent home where there were no nurses at my beckon call if I needed them or had a question? No way! We got home and got settled in and again, I was too anxious to sleep or do anything. Every time I was ready to sleep either dinner was delivered or my mom came over and I had wasted my opportunity to nap. I know now that when nap time hits me, I am taking it. In fact, I am ready for one now but I am trying to get through this because I've wanted to write it for so long. The first night home was pretty bad, we had gotten to our wits end and finally ended up sleeping with the baby in my arms, twice. The second night was better, and as today as gone on I am quickly learning and feeling more confident in what needs to happen for my new change and routine. My anxiety mixed with the abrupt hormone changes has hit me in the worst way possible. I literally cry over nothing and it hits so quickly that I don't even see it coming. Fortunately, breast feeding has been going swimmingly and I've been calm during all of it. It's dealing with the change of lifestyle that has been hard. Having my mom around makes it a lot easier. She's visited every day and talks with me about everything I am going through. Of course, my immense comfort I feel with her usually triggers an episode. It's like when you're little and you don't want to spend the night at people's houses. The feeling you get when your mom picks up the phone when you call. That's what I'm going through. K has been 100% perfect. Night time gets a little rough because he easily gets tired and upset. We're learning when he needs to nap during the day and that is helping. But he is keeping it under control and getting through every day with me with the upmost patience and understanding. I love him so much and I love our baby so much. I keep telling him he has been the greatest husband during all of this and I'm so glad we are at this point in our lives. I just love him so much. Anyway, today has been a better day and hopefully tonight will be a good night. I've just got to keep learning and growing. I know I can do this.

Learning

It's amazing how, even when you're together for 5 years you can continue learning how to work in your relationship. I don't expect to have it down right now, but we're just starting off as a married couple and now as parents. Even with the baby still settled in my womb, it's a learning experience on how to deal with one another. Last night was the first fight we've had in a long time where we sat down with each other after and taught each other new things about ourselves. He's learning to live with my hormonal craziness and I am learning to keep my mouth shut. I just feel like we've grown even closer after last night and it's a good feeling.

I am struggling a lot with the pain I see in his eyes. He wants to bad to provide for myself and our child without me having to lift a finger for work. He cannot do that because we're just not in that place in our lives and I pushed so hard for this baby and now he's struggling. I've never seen him truly struggle like this and it absolutely tears me to shreds inside. He, of course, does not blame me and is excited for the baby and wont even listen to me say sorry for this, but I still struggle. I think it's something I will have to learn to live with and work through for the rest of my life.

I feel lost without my medication. My hormones are completely out of control and I really struggle to remain a stable human being. I absolutely refuse to be on these medications while pregnant, I know I am stronger than my emotions and if it takes me being on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy so I don't kill anyone, then I will do it. Afterwards, however, I am scared. I know I can fall back on my medication when the baby is born, but I really want to be able to breast feed and give the best to my child which is my own milk. I guess we will see what happens.

As if normal anxiety wasn't enough.

Pregnant anxiety is the worst I have ever felt. My husband has left for a friend's bachelor party in Las Vegas. For some reason, I have cried every single day he has been gone. I hate being in the house alone, I hate not having him here. I'm absolutely miserable without him and TERRIFIED of having another panic attack. They've been someone of the worst I have ever had.
I just miss him so much. And it really shows me how much I love him and need him in my life. I don't know what I would do without him.

Feeling really nauseous lately as well. Wanting to throw up all the time, but never actually doing it. And finally, getting car sick while I'm the one driving.

I probably have 4 more weeks of this before my body finally starts calming down a little bit. I have no idea what to do until then except hope for the best. I have great friends that are spending the evenings with me and keeping me company until bed time. And good family that I can always call and wake up in the middle of the night. I'm very grateful for everything I have.

But I sure hope this weekend flies by.

Married with blueberries.

I am officially 7 weeks pregnant. I have only decided to tell close friends and immediate family. I realize this is a public blog, but oh well. I am not making it an "announcement" quite yet until I finish the first trimester.

It's been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I had to stop taking my zoloft which makes everything worse.

I started off with some of the worst cramps I have ever felt in my life and now I'm just sick all the time. Not throwing up, not super nauseous, just sick. My mom said she felt this way her entire pregnancy. Today was a bad day. I experience my first panic attack while pregnant and it was awful. I go to the doctor in a week and I am going to ask her if there is anything I can take when I feel like that again. I couldn't handle anything at all, it was so bad. I scared myself, my husband, and my dog.

I am, despite everything, beyond excited. And I'm letting myself get a little bit more excited every week that passes. Right now I have a baby in me the size of a blueberry. I am so excited.

Married and in Ireland.

Some how, some way, I've made it here. A wife, a spouse, and forever a best friend to my new husband. The wedding went beautifully. My good friend stood in as my photographer since mine was sick. She did brilliant. Everything was perfect and my reception was more fun than anyone ever expected. It was exactly what we all needed. A GREAT time.

Now I am in Ireland, going from castle to castle visiting the place I've always wanted to visit. I never thought I'd get here. It still doesn't seem real and I know I'll blink and be on the plane home.

The first day we stayed in Adare Manor, and now we are in Ashford Castle. It is really a castle, it literally takes your breath away when you look at it. Tomorrow we head to Ballynahinch Castle. I love it here and we've already decided that we are coming back as much as possible and money allows us. It's just...wonderful and so relaxing. A bit expensive, but God has blessed us to bring us here today.

In other news Leelish is home for now. She continues to have radiation on her brain and Tuesday she will talk with the doctors to see what the next steps are. I keep praying hard, selfishly I want her here on earth longer, but I don't want her to suffer. I just want to give her a great-grandchild and I want her to be able to enjoy him/her. I don't know God's plans but I do know that God has blessed me with strength to not be sad about her on the trip. I don't think anyone could be sad here.

I just cannot believe I'm married.