Journalling or Blogging?

After the baby was born I began to juggle journalling in an actual journal I keep on my nightstand and blogging on here. It's obvious which one gets the most attention, I think. I just completed the first journal for B. He's 2 and a half months old right now and I could not be more excited about his life. It's so amazing and fun to watch him learn, grow, and discover the world around him. I just set up one of those little floor mat gyms and he's laying on it going nuts. Back to my point. I began to journal to him, talking to him as I wrote about us learning each other every day. If I don't have something to write I decided to put down a memory instead. A memory of my life, my grandmother, or my husband. Things that I, unfortunately, will not always remember but I want him to know about. So here I am, a full journal already completed for him to put in his keepsake box and give him when I feel he is ready. I've been completely honest while journalling to him, not keeping out my hard points of life. He should know everything we went through together as a family; the good and the bad. I've thought about what I will do if I have more children. I've decided to type up this first journal to B and keep it as a word document on my computer. So then my other children can have these memories I am writing down and know more about my life if they want. The second reason is because, let's face it, my handwriting is not perfect and the pages and ink will eventually fade. I'll be doing everyone a favor by having it typed up for them. Now I just have to actually sit down and do it. I also want to copy these blogs and keep them in a Word Document as well because I don't know if this website will always exist and I have some pretty important moments of my life kept on here. I got married, pregnant, and gave birth on this blog and I plan on raising my children with it as well. I love to write so I guess this kind of stuff just comes easy to me. I want to take the time and journal to my other children as well, even if it means sacrificing some sleep to do so. I want them to be able to look back and have these memories when I pass and be able to show it to their children as well. So off to a new month of B's life. A new journal, a new chapter, a new day.

Learning

It's amazing how, even when you're together for 5 years you can continue learning how to work in your relationship. I don't expect to have it down right now, but we're just starting off as a married couple and now as parents. Even with the baby still settled in my womb, it's a learning experience on how to deal with one another. Last night was the first fight we've had in a long time where we sat down with each other after and taught each other new things about ourselves. He's learning to live with my hormonal craziness and I am learning to keep my mouth shut. I just feel like we've grown even closer after last night and it's a good feeling.

I am struggling a lot with the pain I see in his eyes. He wants to bad to provide for myself and our child without me having to lift a finger for work. He cannot do that because we're just not in that place in our lives and I pushed so hard for this baby and now he's struggling. I've never seen him truly struggle like this and it absolutely tears me to shreds inside. He, of course, does not blame me and is excited for the baby and wont even listen to me say sorry for this, but I still struggle. I think it's something I will have to learn to live with and work through for the rest of my life.

I feel lost without my medication. My hormones are completely out of control and I really struggle to remain a stable human being. I absolutely refuse to be on these medications while pregnant, I know I am stronger than my emotions and if it takes me being on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy so I don't kill anyone, then I will do it. Afterwards, however, I am scared. I know I can fall back on my medication when the baby is born, but I really want to be able to breast feed and give the best to my child which is my own milk. I guess we will see what happens.