Thanksgiving

As much as life hands us stresses and ordeals to go through, this year in particular, I am trying to remain humble. I am blessed, I have a husband who loves and supports me. I have a husband who has encouraged me to go back to school, who has sat down with me and encouraged my career development, and truly pushes me to better myself.

I have a tiny rock in the form of a three year old nightmare. He refuses to use the potty no matter what we do and his energy levels could make the energizer bunny jealous, but he is my life support. He grounds me. I honestly do not know where I would be without him. God has a purpose for everything, B has held a lot of purposes in my life. I often feel guilty because I'm not sure I want to have another child. If we do have another one, I am not sure when it will happen. I feel like he deserves siblings because I cannot imagine my life without my siblings in it. But again, I know God has a purpose and will lead me down the right path. Until then I truly try to remember every moment with him now. He's not a baby anymore, not at all. And that makes me really sad. And sometimes I would like to kill him. But I love him dearly.

Me: Santa won't bring you presents if you are bad.
B: Yes he will, Santa is my CHRISTMAS FATHER. HE IS MY PRESENT GUY!

I have family who love me. I won't lie, in the past three years the burden of caring for our families has left me and K feeling stressed and overwhelmed. But at the end of the day they love us and we love them. I am grateful to have family that we are close to and cherish as much as we do.

K has a job that can support us, I have a job that can give us extra things in life and pay for my schooling.

I am in school and doing really well. This is the best I've ever done in school. Has it been easy? Oh no. I have cried at least once a month since I've started. K has held me threw my tantrums and pushed me to succeed (only fair I had to do the same to him when he was in school).

I have some of the best friends I could ever ask for. We've all grown so much in different ways, but I know who is my friend and there when I call at any time.

I have lived a full life and never truly understood what it means to suffer. I have had my fair share of ups and downs, but I have always been a blessed person. The terrorism happening around the world hurts my heart and I cannot imagine suffering from that first hand. Being in that.

I am blessed and so thankful for my life. The Lord truly has given me so many wonderful things and I never want to take them for granted.

End of Summer

Tomorrow starts the official first day back to school for our county and my mom and sister are back to their normal fall schedules. This kind of signifies the end of summer for me as I have been spending a lot of time with them this summer. They both have helped me get through a lot of my anxieties and have been a huge comfort for me as I was struggling a lot.

I almost have a new set of anxieties as fall comes into play because everyone is going back to their normal jobs and school and I have nothing going on. I was denied financial aide for school and I am looking into finding a loan so I can hopefully go to school this fall, but as time draws near I am afraid I wont have enough time to register for classes.

It sucks not having anything particular going on in your life. Especially as I have been suffering from my anxiety a lot more. I've been trying to plan things and write a lot more, but it only helps for so long.

I don't know where my life is headed in the next two years and that's really difficult because I feel like I am living in a void until more certain plans come into play.

Anyway, I am grateful for my family who loves me. I really enjoyed spending so much time with my mom and sister this season and I'll miss not seeing them every day, I think.

Mother's Day

Yesterday we went to my grandmother's grave to change the flowers. It was a pretty afternoon and the weather was nice and cool. It was the first time I really took B out to the grave site. It was amazing how powerfully I felt my grandmother there. It was like the moment we walked up I knew she was there. I felt her extreme love for her family,  and especially my B.

I often struggle with missing her when I think of how much she would have enjoyed B here in the physical world. I was reminded yesterday of how she is enjoying him in the spiritual world as well.

I truly felt her love for him. I could hear her voice talking to him and enjoying his silliness as he "fluffed" the flowers we placed on her grave. 

I have so many loved ones watching over my son and that's a great feeling. I miss my family who have passed on, but I often feel the presence of certain family members--even K's passed family members. When I feel them, I feel comfort. I know my little man is being watched over and protected.

It was a great feeling to have Leelish's presence around yesterday. I miss her more than there are words to describe, so it's nice to feel her love in such a physical way like that.

Happy Birthday, Tina

As most of you know, last summer my sister-in-law (Tina) moved in with us. Some of you may read that sentence and cringe. I admit, I was a bit nervous sharing my already small house with one more person, but she's one of my best friends so it couldn't be too bad!

I was so wrong.

Hah! Just kidding! I have actually thoroughly enjoyed our time living together. We seem to have been able to work out an appropriate routine with her in the house. B absolutely love's having her here, anyone to play with him is good in his book. Allie is going to literally die of depression when she no longer lives with us. (Seriously, she's in her room right now while I am alone downstairs, she might as well be Tina's dog) And it's really nice to have someone around to see how weird K is and why I'm not just crazy. She truly helps me and K's relationship because she's known K her whole life and can sometimes understand his antics and explain to me. Also she can explain to him things I am trying to say in ways he will understand. We've got a good thing going. I know that this cannot last forever. One day she will have to move on from our lives and that will be really sad. In the mean time, I am enjoying this time we have together. So I decided for her birthday to share our story.

Some of you may or may not know that I met and became friends with Tina before K. She is his younger sister and we ended up in the same chorus class during high school. It was the first day of junior year and I had spent the entirety of sophmore year thinking K was a stupid know it all. Really, I couldn't stand him! So here I sat my first day of junior year and my teacher stands up and tells us he's excited to introduce this student to us. He makes her stand up in front of everyone and says, "This is K's younger sister!"

I cringed. How awful for her! To have to be introduced as his younger sister? That poor girl!

We were instant friends.

Except she actually liked her brother and they were basically best friends. I decided to look past that and befriend her regardless. We got along flawlessly, and the rest is almost history!

She's pretty much the reason me and K got together our senior year. She's seen the start of our friendship and watched us blossom from friends to boyfriend and girlfriend, to annoying sibling who makes out with annoying ex-best friend every chance they get, to "yay I have my friends back", to future sister-in-law and brother, to sister-in-law and brother. What a journey we have seen! So much has happened in that time and I am so blessed to have her as a sister. K's siblings have been amazing to me and I could not be more happy to have them in my life. I truly gained four more siblings on our wedding day. Tina was a special bonus because I definitely ended up marrying one of my best friend's brother!

So happy birthday, Tina! Love you to pieces.

Also there is no way I am posting this blog without this picture.

(This is what happens when you go to downtown Disney with your BFSIL but cannot actually get into Disneyland. We were real sad. And thus, this picture will forever be how I share my love for Tina. By posting it on the internet every chance I get.)

Bye Bye Baby

I'm sure I have touched on this before, but it just astounds me how much B has grown in the last few months. I am officially putting away 24 month clothes as he wears them and they barely cover is little belly, and pulling out the 2T; official toddler status. It's amazing because it truly just happens in a blink of an eye. Boom. Bye bye baby, hello toddler! They just look at you one day and ask for food and you show them some options and they choose one and run along there way. You realize, "Oh my gosh, I just had a semi-intelligent conversation with my toddler." B is famous for Sunday morning melt downs. This kid will run away from me in a crowded public place and care less that he has "lost" me in the crowd. Try to leave him in nursery on Sunday? Hah. He is hysterical until K or I stop singing and go grab him from the poor (and now deaf) nursery worker. Even the moms who he knows and have watched him before outside of church will have to suffer through his cries. Well, two Sundays ago we were sitting in church and he had been doing just fine. We were by ourselves this day as it was one of the Sundays K was home sick (January has been a sickly month for this house). About the time pastor started his sermon B decided he was over sitting quietly with me. I walked him over to the nursery door and explained his options to him. "You can sit quietly in church with mama or you can go into nursery and play with your friends. Would you like to play in the nursery?" "Ah." He responded and grabbed the handle. ("Ah" is yes in B language for future reference)I opened the door and expected the normal fight, but it never came. The nursery worker smiled and asked his name (she was new) and he strolled right inside. She offered to read him a book (his favorite past time next to movie watching) and he was sold. I sat by myself in church and listened to the sermon and never heard a peep from my boy. I couldn't help but sneak a text to my husband and let him know the accomplishment! "He's getting to be a big boy now." K responded. I simply sent him a crying emoji in return, I was not ready for this. Again today, it came time for me to go sit with the choir to sing. K, once again sick, was home and it was just me and B. He was with one of his favorite nursery workers. "Okay, I am going to go sing now. Do you want to keep reading with Z in here?" "Ah." He responded, not even looking up from the book in the little toddler chair he sat in. I walked in to the church and sat down, expecting to hear cries at any time. They never came. He played quietly until I returned (it was my Sunday for nursery duty as well). He's learning more and more each day and surprising me with every bit of it. If he sees the Petco sign he starts pointing and saying "Meow" because he knows we stop in sometimes to visit the kitties that are inside. He told me he was hot in the car one sunny afternoon while we were out running errands. I took his coat off, and he was pleasant for the rest of the trip. But with this new toddler independence comes new appreciation for those loving and tender moments. When he wakes up from his nap and just rests his head on my shoulder for awhile. Or when he stops in the middle of playing and jumps into my lap and wants a kiss. His smiles and laughter all mean so much more because so much more thought is behind them. He understands so much more so it means he knows what he's laughing at or that he specifically wants a hug from mom in that moment. Those are the times where my heart literally melts with love. Although watching him grow up is hard, and helping him learn his boundaries can be even harder; it is the most rewarding experience in the world. I am so proud of that kid my heart could just explode. Even when he decides to have a temper tantrum in the middle of Target and lay completely down on the floor while screaming as other mothers walk past with a knowing smile. I don't even mind those times. Because one day he is going to stop needing me, and then he'll be grown and leaving me. I dread those days. I relish in these days. I don't want to forget them.

I'm not a rock, I'm just a really good actress.

As a recap, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer two days before my wedding and as a result of how bad the tumors in her brain were, they had to do immediate radiation and she couldn't attend my wedding. I was beyond devastated, but during that time the only person I could show any emotion to was my soon to be husband. We spent the night before our wedding with him holding me while I wept for hours. He prayed with me and held me and I've never cried harder than that in my entire life. It was literally the night before our wedding and that was how it was spent. My family took it very hard, they tried to keep a strong and happy face for the wedding, but they needed the happiness that came from the wedding more than anyone else. I had to stay strong for them, I couldn't show them how upset I was. I developed a poker face and pushed through the entire event without my hero, my rock; my grandmother. And all I could do was look at my family's depressed faces, watch my mother hide her tears, and smile for them. The minute I broke down, it would have all come crashing down around me.

All I have done since then is be a rock for my family. My mom calls me almost daily and she is not taking any of the changes that have overtook my grandmother well at all. I don't blame her, she was closer to her mother than I am close to her. Leelish was our rock, she'd drop anything and everything to do whatever you needed and asked for. She is my hero. Now she's a different person. She can't seem to think much past herself, she's stubborn, and quite frankly a bitch. Personally, I love her for it. She deserves to have the rest of her life be about her. She's fought this cancer hand and foot and God has extended her life for us and every day we have with her is a blessing from Him. I will never take it for granted. I guess I expected the new her more than anyone else. I also am accepting it the best. She's old now, she's fragile and I wish it didn't have to happen overnight but it did and I'm dealing. Her children are not.

She was diagnosed with pneumonia this week and is at the hospital now because she is having trouble breathing. The doctor is staying positive, giving her medications and what not. My grandmother just...has become a very stubborn person. When she talks to the doctor she only tells the kids what she wants us to know. And you cannot suggest a damn thing to her. She is literally like a mule that will not budge. My mom is trying so hard to not let it get to her, but it does and she uses me as her sound board. I'm just so tired of hearing about it. It literally ruins my day because my mom just wants to vent, she doesn't want to hear my suggestions. Her mother is literally a new person and she's having a hard time adjusting, I don't blame her for that. It's just that, sometimes the sound board gets worn thin. It's my grandmother too, and once again I have to keep this poker face for my family and stay strong. I try to hear my mom out but all I can think about it what if she dies tonight? What if she doesn't meet my son? Why didn't I stop by this weekend? I fear that I'm taking advantage of the time we have with her because she's been doing so well. I'm so scared of doing that because I don't want God to take her yet. I want her to know my son, I want her to meet him and hold him in her arms.

Once again, I miss my fucking Zoloft.