Journalling or Blogging?

After the baby was born I began to juggle journalling in an actual journal I keep on my nightstand and blogging on here. It's obvious which one gets the most attention, I think. I just completed the first journal for B. He's 2 and a half months old right now and I could not be more excited about his life. It's so amazing and fun to watch him learn, grow, and discover the world around him. I just set up one of those little floor mat gyms and he's laying on it going nuts. Back to my point. I began to journal to him, talking to him as I wrote about us learning each other every day. If I don't have something to write I decided to put down a memory instead. A memory of my life, my grandmother, or my husband. Things that I, unfortunately, will not always remember but I want him to know about. So here I am, a full journal already completed for him to put in his keepsake box and give him when I feel he is ready. I've been completely honest while journalling to him, not keeping out my hard points of life. He should know everything we went through together as a family; the good and the bad. I've thought about what I will do if I have more children. I've decided to type up this first journal to B and keep it as a word document on my computer. So then my other children can have these memories I am writing down and know more about my life if they want. The second reason is because, let's face it, my handwriting is not perfect and the pages and ink will eventually fade. I'll be doing everyone a favor by having it typed up for them. Now I just have to actually sit down and do it. I also want to copy these blogs and keep them in a Word Document as well because I don't know if this website will always exist and I have some pretty important moments of my life kept on here. I got married, pregnant, and gave birth on this blog and I plan on raising my children with it as well. I love to write so I guess this kind of stuff just comes easy to me. I want to take the time and journal to my other children as well, even if it means sacrificing some sleep to do so. I want them to be able to look back and have these memories when I pass and be able to show it to their children as well. So off to a new month of B's life. A new journal, a new chapter, a new day.

My Birthing Experience

On Saturday morning at 6:45 am I woke up, as I do commonly at that time to pee. As I stepped foot into my bathroom, I felt my water break. It was a strange feeling, sort of like peeing yourself, except at 9 months pregnant you knew what it meant. It was one day after my due date. I quickly woke my husband in a panic and he calmly had me sit on the toilet for a minute as the flow continued and put me in the shower as he called my mom to let her know the games had begun. Allie had a doctor's appointment that morning at 9 am for her bandage change and we quickly arranged for her to be dropped off at K's parent's house and to stay with them for the duration of my hospital time. We arrived at the hospital shortly after 8 am and told them my water had broken. They checked us in quickly and put me in a gown on a hospital bed. I did not realize that when your water broke, it continued to leak up until the baby was to arrive. Something that really grossed me out, but luckily they had towels that I could keep in between my legs. They hooked me up to an IV, took my blood, and I rested while watching How I Met Your Mother while some contractions slowly began to kick in. A couple hours passed and my doctor arrived and had me put on patosin (or however you spell it) to get my contractions moving more quickly. Well, that stuff worked! Around the time that I started watching "I Almost Got Away With It" my mom showed up and the real fun began. I knew I was going to have a low pain tolerance, but what I wasn't counting on was my contractions deciding to be sporadic and not in a timely fashion to help me get through them. Around lunch time I decided to get some pain medicine to be able to get my body to relax and start dilating. At this time I was only roughly 1 cm. Finally, not long after the medication began to wear off my doctor came in to check me. She told me I had reached 3 cm of dilation and I was then able to receive the Epidural if I wanted to do that. I was a bit conflicted at first because both my husband and myself had wanted me to try and wait until I was a bit more dilated until I used the Epidural. But I had also said I did not want pain medication (it affects the baby a little bit) and I had gone against my wishes in that form as well. Finally, after much anxiety and pain I decided to use the Epidural. Let me tell you, the pain level I was reaching before that Epidural was a 9.5 and I knew when I hit 10 I would be miserable. Luckily, by the grace of God, I did not have a hard contraction while the anesthesiologist inserted the Epidural and I had enough time to get comfortable back in bed before it kicked in. It was really weird, not being able to really feel my legs or move them. But I knew the baby was not affected by this medication and could continue his process down the birth canal without me tensing up and slowing it down. I was able to sleep off and on after that. Forgetting Sara Marshall came on tv and I love that movie and got to watch it while my mom and K took turns having dinner. During this time I had a nurse named Natasha. She was what I needed in that stage of labor because she was very confident and almost blew off my anxiety, which helps me to calm down because she reassured me in her confidence that I would be okay. My next nurse was a woman named Skye who later informed me that she also suffered from anxiety disorder. She was brilliant and loving and the perfect nurse for me during my final stage of labor. I hit about 4 cm dilation and the baby's heart rate began to drop. They then had to attach the thing to his scalp which monitors his heart rate better, and added something else to monitor my contractions better. His heart rate was still not where it needed to be so they added amniotic fluid to my uterus, thinking that there was pressure being put on the umbilical cord. Finally they put me on some oxygen and Skye told me that if it didn't go up, I would need to have an emergency C-section to deliver him. I was okay with this, in fact, I never once was anxious during any of this time. I know my mom and K began to worry enough for all of us and I remained calm; knowing that if I panicked my body would only do more harm than good to the situation. Luckily, after the fluid was put inside of me and I had some oxygen, his heart rate went back to where it needed to be. Around midnight they came and checked me and told me that he had made his way a great deal down the birth canal and that if it continued I would barely have to push him out. He was doing it all on his own. Around this same time a huge thunder storm started brewing outside and shortly after, the hospital lost electricity. That's when I began to panic. I could feel my baby down in my pelvic region and I knew it was time to start pushing him out, but I was terrified to do it without electricity. I was also terrified of the pain and discomfort I was beginning to feel and knew that he was coming and it was time. My anxiety built up, but Skye and K talked me through it, and they cut on some lights via generator and it was time to deliver my baby boy. I pushed for 20 minutes, the longest and shortest 20 minutes of my entire life. Everyone kept telling me how awesome I was doing, my mom and Skye held my legs while K stayed at my head, but they could all see my baby boy crowning while I pushed. They offered me a mirror, but I declined, I could feel what they were telling me. He was RIGHT there and yet I felt that I could not push anymore. It was so freaking painful and I literally felt like I was being torn a new butt hole. I was scared and yet in between pushes I knew I had zero choice but to push again. My head was swimming as I felt the doctor stick her hands around his head and I knew if I pushed longer he would be here. And there was his head, I was briefly concerned because it still hurt, but one more push and my baby boy was brought into this world. It was the most incredible experience of my entire life. You can literally not help anyone get through this until they do it on there own. I now understand why I felt abandoned by mothers everywhere during my pregnancy when I was anxious and they really had nothing to offer me. It's because until you go through it, you cannot even fathom what it is like. To look down and see him there was life changing. I mean, there he was a live human being that came from inside of me. I was finally staring at his beautiful face and it was perfect. I half cried while K was able to cut the umbilical cord, tears in his own eyes. As it turns out, his umbilical cord was really short, hence the heart rate dropping during labor. They had to keep him in front of me and cut it real quick before he was finally in my arms and silently stared up at me with his beautiful face while K and my mom cried and touched him and kissed me. I wish I could give every woman in labor the feel of that moment, because even though you go through so much pain and torment before AND after birth, you still think back on the moment you looked down and laid eyes on him and you cannot even put words to the feelings you have. It is what has gotten me through my postpartum, I think of that moment and I just can't believe it happened. I finally let the nurse take him to begin his clean up process while I began mine. I had to get some stitches, but I was still so high I couldn't even care what was happening below me. I watched K take my baby's pictures and just swoon over his son while the nurse took care of him. I was so elated that I could't believe it. Then they put me back together, got me settled into bed, and my hormones finally reached me and I broke. I'm so grateful for my mother because my baby was safe in her arms while I helplessly lost control of every emotion and had a panic attack. I couldn't even enjoy my baby at first because of this and that was hard. Skye and K were quick to my rescue. I was in so much pain down below and being in a panic attack, I focused on that pain and lost my cool. Of course, having a panic attack made it 10 times worse because I wasn't relaxed in the slightest bit. Skye called down to the Pharmacy (the computers were still not working despite the fact that the electricity came back on shortly after my baby was born) and threatened their lives if someone didn't have me some pain medication up there STAT. After two Perciset (or however you spell it) and a motrin, I finally calmed down and was able to enjoy my baby. I can't even really remember the rest of the night after that. Baby boy was born at 1:39 AM and then an emergency came into the hosptial followed by another mother in labor and they kind of rushed me out of my room and put me in a postpartum room. I was so tired but probably got 1-2 hours of sleep the whole night. I was sore, I was exhausted, and I was completely aware of every move and noise the baby made that first night. My mom let K go home and get some rest while she stayed with me in the hospital. The next day a tech came in and helped me figure out the breast feeding situation and my family took turns coming in throughout the day to meet my baby and see him. I did so well while people visited and held him. In fact, I've been very relaxed about it (well, more relaxed than I thought I would be). The first night with K and myself was a rough one. He would and wouldn't feed, and he was gassy and would cry and cry and finally after two hours in a rocking chair, K called the nurse to come put him in a swing and let us sleep. I got a good 4-5 hours of sleep that night which was much needed and the next night I was able to get used to waking up off and on with him in the room. I was very nervous to come home, my hormones were already out of whack and I would cry and cry for no reason at all. Now I was supposed to be sent home where there were no nurses at my beckon call if I needed them or had a question? No way! We got home and got settled in and again, I was too anxious to sleep or do anything. Every time I was ready to sleep either dinner was delivered or my mom came over and I had wasted my opportunity to nap. I know now that when nap time hits me, I am taking it. In fact, I am ready for one now but I am trying to get through this because I've wanted to write it for so long. The first night home was pretty bad, we had gotten to our wits end and finally ended up sleeping with the baby in my arms, twice. The second night was better, and as today as gone on I am quickly learning and feeling more confident in what needs to happen for my new change and routine. My anxiety mixed with the abrupt hormone changes has hit me in the worst way possible. I literally cry over nothing and it hits so quickly that I don't even see it coming. Fortunately, breast feeding has been going swimmingly and I've been calm during all of it. It's dealing with the change of lifestyle that has been hard. Having my mom around makes it a lot easier. She's visited every day and talks with me about everything I am going through. Of course, my immense comfort I feel with her usually triggers an episode. It's like when you're little and you don't want to spend the night at people's houses. The feeling you get when your mom picks up the phone when you call. That's what I'm going through. K has been 100% perfect. Night time gets a little rough because he easily gets tired and upset. We're learning when he needs to nap during the day and that is helping. But he is keeping it under control and getting through every day with me with the upmost patience and understanding. I love him so much and I love our baby so much. I keep telling him he has been the greatest husband during all of this and I'm so glad we are at this point in our lives. I just love him so much. Anyway, today has been a better day and hopefully tonight will be a good night. I've just got to keep learning and growing. I know I can do this.

Not This Way

Thursday I took Allie to the vet to have a lump on her leg looked at. As it turns out, this lump is cancerous. It's an aggressive type of cancer that affects her body's natural abilities to fight off allergies. Hence, she has a double ear infection and food allergy. She will need to have two Benedryl twice a day for the rest of her life.

Regardless, she is going in for surgery to have the lump removed on Wednesday. The vet told us that we can hope and pray that this removes the cancer and we never see it again. However, there is a higher chance that it will return in which case there is nothing we can do for her. My anxiety over this surgery is getting the best of me. I am having a really hard time with this because she's not even 3 yet and she is my life; my first child. I love that stupid dog more than I love myself and the thought of losing her is literally tearing me up inside. I'm trying to keep my emotions under control because I am 9 months pregnant and I don't want stress to induce labor. I'm just so scared that something is going to go wrong and I never see her again. The thought of handing her over to these people and entrusting her life in them is a huge deal and she's going to be so scared and not know what's going on. It literally makes me cry just thinking about it. She'll be so miserable after the surgery and I wish I could somehow let her know we had to do this for her to take away this cancer.

The only good news through all of this is that Allie doesn't know she has cancer. She's happy and still full of energy and life.

I'm just so sick of cancer and it popping up in my life.

Irritated, Uncomfortable, and Scared as Hell

Something I have picked up on while being pregnant is the fact that other mothers find it necessary to tell you what you're feeling, thinking, and what you will go through. Well, fact is they don't know shit. Everyone is different in their pregnancy, no two pregnant woman go through the same type of pregnancy/symptoms. So, in fact, these other mothers can shove it up their butt. It really irritates me. Don't ask me how I'm feeling or another specific question and then laugh at me as if I am some naive idiot who has no idea what's coming to her. I do have an idea and I know my body better than anyone else. Yes, I haven't given birth yet and I don't know what will happen when I do, but I have an idea of how my brain and body will react to things. Don't ask me about my birth plan and then scoff and say, "well nothing will go the way you plan." Bitch, I know that! I literally do not even answer people's questions anymore because I'm sick of being laughed at. I already feel awful enough. I just hope I remember this for my friends in the future so that I don't do the same thing to them. It's one thing to share your birth story, it's another to talk down to a new mom who is nervous enough.

Speaking of nerves, I'm really starting to freak out. I realize that millions of women give birth MULTIPLE times in their life so obviously things are not that bad. However, a lot goes into giving birth that no one likes to share with you. For instance, you bleed for quite some time after giving birth. You know how I found out? Accidentally on the internet! No one told me! That is something I WAS naive about. Some woman bleed for up to 6 weeks. It's bad enough that you go through this horribly painful process and wreck your vagina for life, but then to basically get a period that lasts as long as all of the periods you didn't have while pregnant...well, I'd rather get my freaking period every month for 9 months. I'm scared about the healing process and the shape my lady parts will be in when it's all said and done. I'm already self conscious, and now it's I'm scared to ever have sex with my husband again afterward. I know this is seemingly overreactions to things but these are my thoughts and anxieties.

I'm so excited to meet my baby boy, but I don't want to share him with anyone else. Everyone around me is so excited, I have a huge family and I feel like they are smothering me with excitement and some of my friends are as well. They think they're going to all just show up right after he's born and hold him and stuff and I don't want that to happen. I think I'm just going to piss everyone off and make a rule that if they come visit they may not touch or hold him. I want to see how I feel at the time, but I know I wont want them to. First of all, he's a newborn with no shots and people carry germs whether they are clean or not. He doesn't need to be passed around to 12 different people within the first 3 days of his life. It just isn't going to happen. No, I think I will have people visit (if I feel up to it) and look with their eyes, not with their hands. He may be limited to a one time hold by the grandparents and that is it. This may sound bitchy, but it's my kid and I get to make the rules.

I just hate the idea of other people holding him, it's selfish I know, but this is why I am usually medicated for my anxiety disorder. It stems off to me needing to be in control of everything and when I am holding him, I am in control. I'm sure I will get over it over some time, but frankly I will probably upset a lot of friends and family and not let people hold him until I'm ready. I know everyone in my life will understand this and they don't really have an option anyway, but I create unrealistic scenarios of problems in my stupid brain. I am worried about post partum, and yet, not worried at all. I know my signs and my limits; as does my husband. I've suffered a good portion of my life with an anxiety disorder that causes depression. I really want to breast feed, so I really want to get through at least the first 3 months of his life without my medication. If I find that I am still a psycho control freak after 3 months that cannot even handle people near my child then I am going to get back on the medication. I want him to be properly socialized and I feel like 3 months old is a good time to at least get more comfortable with my family around him. And then, *hopefully* my medication will be in proper use by the time he is 6 months and I'll feel more comfortable letting my friends hold him...maybe. I'm pretty much the worst person in the world to have the first grandchild and baby among my family and friends. They do not realize how big of a bitch I will be. This wont be fun for them because I'm not going to let them come over whenever they want for a "baby fix". I know my unmedicated mind, and I know it wont happen. But you know what I say to that? Go have your own baby.

I had my 37 week doctor appointment on Friday. I found out that I am a TIGHT 1 cm dialated and 60% e-faced (thinned out) and he is head down. So, my body and baby are headed in the right direction whether I am mentally prepared or not, which is a good thing. I know I'll be a good mom, and I know I can get through the birth. It's dealing with everyone else that has me anxious =/

Pregnancy Dreams

I wanted to write down some dreams I have been having because they're crazy and it just so happens I had weird dreams prior to pregnancy so now my dreams are just wrecked. Half the time I cannot even put them to words.

1. I was at the in-laws house with my mom for some weird reason. My mother in law and sister in law were ordering pizza from Dominoes and for some reason the guy took to long to deliver it. So my mother in law called Dominoes and told them where to shove their pizza and made this weird assortment of foods. We all sit down and my sister in law turns into my cousin and everyone at the table takes all of the meat and I'm left with literally mashed potatoes. I got so pissed off because I was like wow, way to be fat and not even give the pregnant woman protein. So my mom was in the other room on the computer and I walk in and tell her that I'm mad and leaving. Then the dream morphs into me walking down the street to my Leelish's house. Leelish is the grandmother that just passed away. Well, I walk in and my Aunt Mabel (also passed) is sitting in the living room with her granddaughter sitting on the couch with her. Her granddaughter's son is playing in the living room and they're all kind of talking with my family. And I'm sitting there asking everyone who this woman is because it cannot possibly be Aunt Mabel because she's supposed to be dead! And no one would listen. Then these "neighbors" who I have no idea who they are come into the house to visit. I go into the kitchen and my other grandfather is standing there holding sloppy joes for me. And although I was hungry and mad, I hate sloppy joes. This is all I remember of that dream.

2. Ashley and I are visiting an Aquarium together. Weird fact is the aquarium exhibits keep breaking and we keep helping them save the fish and build these new exhibits out of cardboard and plastic to hold the fish. Then this lady comes up talking about her daughter swimming and Ashley starts going off because she's the world's best swimmer and I'm like, Ashley shut up no you are not. You never swam professionally. Then there is this contest that we enter and lose because we had apparently been drinking a beer throughout the competition so we have to go wait in this class room where Jessica, Angela, and Kirsten are waiting. For some reason the five of us decide to go watch some other form of competition, but me and Kirsten need to go to the bathroom. While we're in there this guy comes in because the men's room is broken and he starts trying to pick Kirsten up. And of course, she is denying him but then he kisses her! And I'm sitting in my stall like WHAT IS HAPPENING? So, we head back and Kirsten brings this hideous fat guy who has an Irish accent (because apparently we're abroad) and who cusses all the time. And everyone is looking at her like "What is wrong with you?" But she is convinced that they're meant to be. Then it dawns on me that she only thinks that because they shared a kiss. So I turn to Jessica who is sitting next to me and tell her that if we kiss it will show Kirsten that kissing isn't that big of a deal and she wont think that her and this guy are meant to be because clearly they are not. So Jessica, understanding my logic, agrees and we kiss each other in front of Kirsten to prove that it's not a big deal. This is logical in Kirsten's mind and she ditches the guy. Then Jessica decides to show us this Javolans (spelling?)that she got and she's really mad because Tommy broke one. She picks it up and throws it magically into this mountain really far away, but it doesn't stick because of Tommy breaking it. So we set off on this quest to replace said Javolan and on the way I explain to Ashley and Angela the logic behind me and Jessica's kiss. We come upon a pier and this shallow river that we need to cross, but it's being guarded by a black dog who wont let us near the edge. It took some coaxing, but we got the dog to like us and began to walk across when I woke up.

Adult Kid Problems

I can now see my baby move around. My stomach looks so weird. It's amazing how much personality shows through his kicks and movements. He loves when K rubs my belly, and gets really fussy when K stops rubbing it.

My anxiety has been so off and on, I am not controlling it as much as I was hoping to. K has been such a rock for me, he's been so patient and loving and helpful. I'm scared when I have this baby that my anxiety is going to get worse. I have my good days and my bad. I just wish I could ignore the guilt trips I put myself through.

Dreaming

Last night Leelish entered my dream. I was dreaming about her funeral and she just sort of entered it. She was surrounded by this gold light and she looked just like herself. She was telling me that everything was okay, and she was so peaceful. The entire time she was talking to me I wanted to get my uncle Rob because I felt like he needed to see her and know she was okay. Then she hugged me and it was the most perfect hug; then she floated off into this golden light.

Then my subconscious took over. It kept trying to re-create the scenario and changed it into me trying to chase her down and find her again. It threw me into a panic attack in real life where I had to force myself awake from the dream and try to calm down. I gave my dog and husband a heart attack in the process. Then I cried hysterically for about 10 minutes.

I am going to miss her so much.

Frankly my dear...

My grandmother, my Leelish passed away February 11, 2012.

I've been avoiding posting about this entire ordeal because it has been a roller coaster ride from hell. Everyday was a new day of fright or hope and it got to the point where we all ran out of both and became numb. She had to be put on a ventilator in order to breath, they ran some tests and could not pin point the infection because the cancer cells were basically trolling it. None of the entirety of anti-biotics they put her on were healing her body from the infection. Her body just was not strong enough, and due to her living will we had to take her off of the ventilator the Thursday before she passed.

I'd like to think that God took that time that she was sedated and could no longer communicate with us to talk to her and bring her to peace to join him in Heaven. I know she's at peace now. If she wasn't I wouldn't be in the state of mind I am in. I had some time to mourn Leelish while we went through this, part of me knew in my heart that this was goodbye. I, however, refused to say goodbye to her, I know I will see her again one day and the thought of goodbye made it seem all too permanent.

I am of course heart broken, and since she has passed I have kind of been numb, I haven't really felt much of anything. I don't know if I've just cried enough and God is saying it's okay, or if my body is in shock. This entire situation I feel like God has held a healing hand over my body and kept me calm for the baby. I thought for sure losing her would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to face, but it wasn't.

I think I will have moments when it will hit me that she's not here anymore. It's weird to think of it and it will probably get worse when B arrives because all I wanted was for her to meet him. And I know she will get to see him from Heaven, but it still sucks down here in the human aspect of things.

Our new reality is going to be a hard one to get used to, it's like the ultimate change that none of us wanted. And I know she's with me, I feel her here watching over me, but I still miss her. I will always miss her until the day we will be face to face again. I hope she is the first person I see when I die. To see her smiling face again, greeting me at those gates, it puts a smile on my face now.

I'm not a rock, I'm just a really good actress.

As a recap, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer two days before my wedding and as a result of how bad the tumors in her brain were, they had to do immediate radiation and she couldn't attend my wedding. I was beyond devastated, but during that time the only person I could show any emotion to was my soon to be husband. We spent the night before our wedding with him holding me while I wept for hours. He prayed with me and held me and I've never cried harder than that in my entire life. It was literally the night before our wedding and that was how it was spent. My family took it very hard, they tried to keep a strong and happy face for the wedding, but they needed the happiness that came from the wedding more than anyone else. I had to stay strong for them, I couldn't show them how upset I was. I developed a poker face and pushed through the entire event without my hero, my rock; my grandmother. And all I could do was look at my family's depressed faces, watch my mother hide her tears, and smile for them. The minute I broke down, it would have all come crashing down around me.

All I have done since then is be a rock for my family. My mom calls me almost daily and she is not taking any of the changes that have overtook my grandmother well at all. I don't blame her, she was closer to her mother than I am close to her. Leelish was our rock, she'd drop anything and everything to do whatever you needed and asked for. She is my hero. Now she's a different person. She can't seem to think much past herself, she's stubborn, and quite frankly a bitch. Personally, I love her for it. She deserves to have the rest of her life be about her. She's fought this cancer hand and foot and God has extended her life for us and every day we have with her is a blessing from Him. I will never take it for granted. I guess I expected the new her more than anyone else. I also am accepting it the best. She's old now, she's fragile and I wish it didn't have to happen overnight but it did and I'm dealing. Her children are not.

She was diagnosed with pneumonia this week and is at the hospital now because she is having trouble breathing. The doctor is staying positive, giving her medications and what not. My grandmother just...has become a very stubborn person. When she talks to the doctor she only tells the kids what she wants us to know. And you cannot suggest a damn thing to her. She is literally like a mule that will not budge. My mom is trying so hard to not let it get to her, but it does and she uses me as her sound board. I'm just so tired of hearing about it. It literally ruins my day because my mom just wants to vent, she doesn't want to hear my suggestions. Her mother is literally a new person and she's having a hard time adjusting, I don't blame her for that. It's just that, sometimes the sound board gets worn thin. It's my grandmother too, and once again I have to keep this poker face for my family and stay strong. I try to hear my mom out but all I can think about it what if she dies tonight? What if she doesn't meet my son? Why didn't I stop by this weekend? I fear that I'm taking advantage of the time we have with her because she's been doing so well. I'm so scared of doing that because I don't want God to take her yet. I want her to know my son, I want her to meet him and hold him in her arms.

Once again, I miss my fucking Zoloft.

Learning

It's amazing how, even when you're together for 5 years you can continue learning how to work in your relationship. I don't expect to have it down right now, but we're just starting off as a married couple and now as parents. Even with the baby still settled in my womb, it's a learning experience on how to deal with one another. Last night was the first fight we've had in a long time where we sat down with each other after and taught each other new things about ourselves. He's learning to live with my hormonal craziness and I am learning to keep my mouth shut. I just feel like we've grown even closer after last night and it's a good feeling.

I am struggling a lot with the pain I see in his eyes. He wants to bad to provide for myself and our child without me having to lift a finger for work. He cannot do that because we're just not in that place in our lives and I pushed so hard for this baby and now he's struggling. I've never seen him truly struggle like this and it absolutely tears me to shreds inside. He, of course, does not blame me and is excited for the baby and wont even listen to me say sorry for this, but I still struggle. I think it's something I will have to learn to live with and work through for the rest of my life.

I feel lost without my medication. My hormones are completely out of control and I really struggle to remain a stable human being. I absolutely refuse to be on these medications while pregnant, I know I am stronger than my emotions and if it takes me being on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy so I don't kill anyone, then I will do it. Afterwards, however, I am scared. I know I can fall back on my medication when the baby is born, but I really want to be able to breast feed and give the best to my child which is my own milk. I guess we will see what happens.

Changes in Christmas

Tonight my husband and I decorated our Christmas tree. We put some music on and spent the time together hanging ornaments and it was...just really great. I was pulling out all of my ornaments from home and they smelled like home and...that was hard. I literally have no memories outside of my parents house. When I first moved into this house, it was hard adjusting. Now that Christmas is here I have to say I feel like I've first moved in all over again.

This is the first year I will wake up in a different house, not opening presents with my siblings, and I'm not even going to be going to my parents house on Christmas Day at all and suddenly I'm rethinking all of my Christmas plans. My brother is actually going to be home this Christmas which will probably not be the case next year. Just thinking about all of our silly Christmas morning traditions and how I wont be a part of that...it's really REALLY hard.

My husband is being so great about all of this and so patient and understanding.

I don't even know what to do about Christmas anymore. Next year I'll be a mom and that changes everything.

As if normal anxiety wasn't enough.

Pregnant anxiety is the worst I have ever felt. My husband has left for a friend's bachelor party in Las Vegas. For some reason, I have cried every single day he has been gone. I hate being in the house alone, I hate not having him here. I'm absolutely miserable without him and TERRIFIED of having another panic attack. They've been someone of the worst I have ever had.
I just miss him so much. And it really shows me how much I love him and need him in my life. I don't know what I would do without him.

Feeling really nauseous lately as well. Wanting to throw up all the time, but never actually doing it. And finally, getting car sick while I'm the one driving.

I probably have 4 more weeks of this before my body finally starts calming down a little bit. I have no idea what to do until then except hope for the best. I have great friends that are spending the evenings with me and keeping me company until bed time. And good family that I can always call and wake up in the middle of the night. I'm very grateful for everything I have.

But I sure hope this weekend flies by.

Married with blueberries.

I am officially 7 weeks pregnant. I have only decided to tell close friends and immediate family. I realize this is a public blog, but oh well. I am not making it an "announcement" quite yet until I finish the first trimester.

It's been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I had to stop taking my zoloft which makes everything worse.

I started off with some of the worst cramps I have ever felt in my life and now I'm just sick all the time. Not throwing up, not super nauseous, just sick. My mom said she felt this way her entire pregnancy. Today was a bad day. I experience my first panic attack while pregnant and it was awful. I go to the doctor in a week and I am going to ask her if there is anything I can take when I feel like that again. I couldn't handle anything at all, it was so bad. I scared myself, my husband, and my dog.

I am, despite everything, beyond excited. And I'm letting myself get a little bit more excited every week that passes. Right now I have a baby in me the size of a blueberry. I am so excited.