Opening My Heart

At the beginning of this week I was feeling troubled. It's troubles that have been following me around all summer long. My graduation date looms ahead of me and I am uncertain of how to set about my future and where to go. I've felt distanced from the Lord. He has lead me this far and to this point, and I suddenly felt like I couldn't hear Him anymore. What am I supposed to do next? How am I supposed to learn these languages that are so hard? How am I supposed to finish this degree and find a job in 6 months? How come I can't find a job now? How am I supposed to be okay with little B going to school and being left alone at home all day long?

I was by myself with B earlier this week while K was away on travel. We visited the base virtually every day because I find comfort there when I don't have K. I was walking through the book section in the NEX and I picked up a daily devotional. I turned to the day (the 27th) and it was about worries. It spoke about how you do not need to have all of the answers in order to stop worrying. Leaning on the Lord for support and trusting in Him will help. It struck me that this was the devotional and it was something I was struggling with; so I bought the book.

As the days have gone by this week I've done all of the devotions and really tried to let go of my anxieties and listen to the Lord to be able to hear Him again. All week I felt restless and unsettled, and I was wondering to myself if I would ever be able to get it right. I began to question myself. Were these dreams really what the Lord had set in my heart or was I after selfish things?

Tonight I sat down with my devotional and it quoted Deuteronomy 32:11. "Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them, bearing them on its pinions," The mother eagle pushes her babies out of the nest in order to encourage them to fly. The Lord pushes us out of our comfort zone to do the same. He has a plan, He knows what He is doing.

All week I stumbled upon videos of YouTubers discussing their own ambitions and going after their own hopes and dreams. It made me feel inspired a bit, and it made me not question myself as much. And then tonight I read that devotional and it dawned on me that the Lord was speaking to me, I just needed to stop and listen.

I truly believe He placed the dreams and goal in my heart for a reason. Obviously we all have a purpose, but my own goals are something that some people may look at funny. However, I feel led by the Lord and I have felt led by him since the first day I realized what I wanted to do as a career. I don't believe in coincidences, every step I've made to get to where I am today I have felt pushed to do so.

I need to remind myself that going after my career isn't selfish. I need to remind myself that the dreams and goals I have set are ones I can accomplish if I work hard and step out of that comfort zone. I have come this far, I live in a foreign country and I am learning two foreign languages while completing a degree. I can do this and I have the Lord on my side every step of the way.

I tend to let myself believe that there are people in my life who do not believe in me. But I think the reality is that the person standing in my way is me. I am doubting myself and spreading the anxiety in my own mind.

I knew going into this new life I wanted that it wouldn't be easy. But as I hit those harder hills I really let myself get down and out about it. I want to hold on to this feeling, this inspiration, and these goals. I want to keep reminding myself that He is the holding my hand and leading me every step of the way. I need to stop standing in my own way.