3 Months in and I'm Still Here

I've been meaning to make this post for quite some time. Unfortunately, time is not always on our side, is it? As of July 13 I have been living in Japan for 3 months, and yeah, I still love it.

I don't have any friends. I am trying desperately to find a job, finish school, and not melt. However, these are all difficult things to accomplish while not being as socially awkward as I am. I went outside of my comfort zone and took B out to a special PT for Tots thing, and man my awkwardness is just uncanny. Met another American neighbor this week while at the park with B, again, I'm so socially awkward people could write books about me. I am stepping out of my comfort zones, however, and that is steps in the right direction.

I am applying for jobs a bit earlier than I planned. Due to some miscommunications we are looking at having to send B to Preschool off-base and we have to pay out of pocket for this. I definitely need work and I've begun applying to English teaching jobs. I am not good at teaching. At all. I've never been good at it, I have no patience for people. When they don't understand something I explain the first time I get irritated and short. A very great amount of people have suggested I home school B. Unfortunately, with my mental health, full time college courses, and overall crap-self; this isn't an option for me. First of all, I've tried. Since I am stuck in the house with him all day we go through Preschool learning books that he got for his birthday and he just doesn't listen to me at all. I'm also trying to learn Japanese with him, but it's like pulling teeth. I really hope he's only like this for me and not at school, but he needs much deeper structure and also kids to play with.

Which brings me back to the teaching thing. If I can't teach a 4-year old how to count to 10 in Japanese, how am I supposed to teach an adult how to English? I can't even teach myself.

I've also been suffering from insomnia during the last month! Fun facts, almost every website online will tell you the leading cause of insomnia is anxiety and stress. Up until this week, I haven't even been stressed or anxious so I'm not even sure why my body hates me? It's making my mental health decline and as a result I am just not in good shape.

A lot of praying has been happening this month. Mostly because I am unsure of where to go from here. K told me today that he knows I wanted to achieve some career goals and dreams while overseas and to go for it and we'll figure the rest out. And learning another language is hard. After the day is done and I've suffered in my classes online, suffered in my learning another language, and suffered in applying for jobs my self esteem is low. What if I'm doing it all wrong? Am I really supposed to be after these career goals? Was college a waste? Should I stay home and have more babies and try to teach my kids like everyone thinks I should be doing?

There is only One that can determine my path and I constantly pray for that path to be shown to me.

Nothing goes without hardships, but I guess I got so excited about how coming out here was good moves in our lives, that I had subconsciously expected it all to go perfect and smooth. But life isn't like that, is it?

This isn't to say I don't like Japan. I love it here! I can't wait for people to come visit me so I can show off my beautiful new home. It's just lovely, it's hot as crap right now, but it's lovely. We want to stay here as long as we can.

I know it's only been 3 months and I have a long road ahead of me. I just need a little more guidance, a little more faith, and a little less humidity. (it's hot!!)