As B starts school, and I am left to my own devices for hours at a time, I have found myself lost. Well, I have found myself lost since the realization of how little time I have until I graduate is. It's funny, because moving out here I never felt more sure of anything before in my life. I was confident that the Lord was leading me to this exact spot in life, and I still feel that way.
So, when I moved out here, and the confusion set in of "what next?" I found myself lost again. I have growing anxieties over a lot of things in my life. The first was my career path. Am I doing this for real? Is this a stupid dream? Am I just being silly? And despite the encouragement from my husband and best friends, I feel as though I was still floundering.
I turned to the Lord, because when I get to these mental places in my life I spiral. It starts small, simple stressors become something far worse. And when it's all over, I'm left in the fetal position crying hysterically and wondering why I even am here in the first place. Nothing is a coincidence, and I firmly believe that. The Lord gave me K. I don't know why, and I don't feel like I deserve him at all, but here he is. By my side. Always believing in me.
I picked up a devotional recently and began daily devotions. A lot of those devotions have spoken to me, and a lot of it is repeated answers.
Patience. Wait on the Lord, listen to Him, meditate on His Word.
It's hard, because the Lord didn't give me a lot of patience to begin with. So this is a new trait I have to dig out of myself. I watch a lot of Criminal Minds, and because they talk about psychological functions behind the behavior patters of the criminals, I am fascinated by it. I was watching one episode and one of the agents was afraid to fly. The other agent made the remark about how the fear of flying comes from a need to be in control. And I was like "Well, duh." But it's me. It's who I am. I have the need to be in control, because without control my anxiety would send my back to that fetal position I mentioned earlier.
Through this devotional I have heard the Lord's calling. The career path I am on, the direction I am headed is the direction He wants me to take. And I try to remind myself (as does He) of that all the time. My own fears in myself are from myself. I am standing in my own way.
And on another coin is my family. I struggle so much with the idea of having another baby. My heart has began to feel so torn by this idea that I get sick over it. Do I want a baby because of guilt? I cannot imagine my life without my sister and brother in it. In fact, if you were to ask me to pick out two people I trust the most on this Earth, it would be them. They are my heart and soul. I have lived periods of my life for them and them alone. So I feel this immense guilt that I am not giving someone like that to B. I hate myself for it. I am near a navy base and I'm surrounded by people growing their families every day. And I know, in my heart of hearts, I'd love and adore another child. It would bring great joy into our lives. And I used to think that because of my career choices I shouldn't have one, but now I think a little less of that thought. And again I am left lost and confused. Wondering what direction should I take. You hear it from both sides "have one" "dont have one" everyone needs to have an opinion about your own life. At the end of the day I just cry out, "Lord just tell me what to do! I don't know anymore!"
Isaiah 40 says, "Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."
As I grow closer in my walk with Christ, I know he will lead me to all of my answers. I may not be a patient person, but I am a faithful one. I know He has a plan for me and my family, and the people I love. I know He has put us in certain places in our lives for a reason. And even though my anxious mind makes my life a bit harder than I'd like, my heart rests fully on Him.
Despite these anxieties, I feel good. I feel empowered, and I know this path is where I belong. And I am grateful I know Christ's love and have his hand to lead me.
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