As a recap, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer two days before my wedding and as a result of how bad the tumors in her brain were, they had to do immediate radiation and she couldn't attend my wedding. I was beyond devastated, but during that time the only person I could show any emotion to was my soon to be husband. We spent the night before our wedding with him holding me while I wept for hours. He prayed with me and held me and I've never cried harder than that in my entire life. It was literally the night before our wedding and that was how it was spent. My family took it very hard, they tried to keep a strong and happy face for the wedding, but they needed the happiness that came from the wedding more than anyone else. I had to stay strong for them, I couldn't show them how upset I was. I developed a poker face and pushed through the entire event without my hero, my rock; my grandmother. And all I could do was look at my family's depressed faces, watch my mother hide her tears, and smile for them. The minute I broke down, it would have all come crashing down around me.
All I have done since then is be a rock for my family. My mom calls me almost daily and she is not taking any of the changes that have overtook my grandmother well at all. I don't blame her, she was closer to her mother than I am close to her. Leelish was our rock, she'd drop anything and everything to do whatever you needed and asked for. She is my hero. Now she's a different person. She can't seem to think much past herself, she's stubborn, and quite frankly a bitch. Personally, I love her for it. She deserves to have the rest of her life be about her. She's fought this cancer hand and foot and God has extended her life for us and every day we have with her is a blessing from Him. I will never take it for granted. I guess I expected the new her more than anyone else. I also am accepting it the best. She's old now, she's fragile and I wish it didn't have to happen overnight but it did and I'm dealing. Her children are not.
She was diagnosed with pneumonia this week and is at the hospital now because she is having trouble breathing. The doctor is staying positive, giving her medications and what not. My grandmother just...has become a very stubborn person. When she talks to the doctor she only tells the kids what she wants us to know. And you cannot suggest a damn thing to her. She is literally like a mule that will not budge. My mom is trying so hard to not let it get to her, but it does and she uses me as her sound board. I'm just so tired of hearing about it. It literally ruins my day because my mom just wants to vent, she doesn't want to hear my suggestions. Her mother is literally a new person and she's having a hard time adjusting, I don't blame her for that. It's just that, sometimes the sound board gets worn thin. It's my grandmother too, and once again I have to keep this poker face for my family and stay strong. I try to hear my mom out but all I can think about it what if she dies tonight? What if she doesn't meet my son? Why didn't I stop by this weekend? I fear that I'm taking advantage of the time we have with her because she's been doing so well. I'm so scared of doing that because I don't want God to take her yet. I want her to know my son, I want her to meet him and hold him in her arms.
Once again, I miss my fucking Zoloft.
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