Something I have picked up on while being pregnant is the fact that other mothers find it necessary to tell you what you're feeling, thinking, and what you will go through. Well, fact is they don't know shit. Everyone is different in their pregnancy, no two pregnant woman go through the same type of pregnancy/symptoms. So, in fact, these other mothers can shove it up their butt. It really irritates me. Don't ask me how I'm feeling or another specific question and then laugh at me as if I am some naive idiot who has no idea what's coming to her. I do have an idea and I know my body better than anyone else. Yes, I haven't given birth yet and I don't know what will happen when I do, but I have an idea of how my brain and body will react to things. Don't ask me about my birth plan and then scoff and say, "well nothing will go the way you plan." Bitch, I know that! I literally do not even answer people's questions anymore because I'm sick of being laughed at. I already feel awful enough. I just hope I remember this for my friends in the future so that I don't do the same thing to them. It's one thing to share your birth story, it's another to talk down to a new mom who is nervous enough.
Speaking of nerves, I'm really starting to freak out. I realize that millions of women give birth MULTIPLE times in their life so obviously things are not that bad. However, a lot goes into giving birth that no one likes to share with you. For instance, you bleed for quite some time after giving birth. You know how I found out? Accidentally on the internet! No one told me! That is something I WAS naive about. Some woman bleed for up to 6 weeks. It's bad enough that you go through this horribly painful process and wreck your vagina for life, but then to basically get a period that lasts as long as all of the periods you didn't have while pregnant...well, I'd rather get my freaking period every month for 9 months. I'm scared about the healing process and the shape my lady parts will be in when it's all said and done. I'm already self conscious, and now it's I'm scared to ever have sex with my husband again afterward. I know this is seemingly overreactions to things but these are my thoughts and anxieties.
I'm so excited to meet my baby boy, but I don't want to share him with anyone else. Everyone around me is so excited, I have a huge family and I feel like they are smothering me with excitement and some of my friends are as well. They think they're going to all just show up right after he's born and hold him and stuff and I don't want that to happen. I think I'm just going to piss everyone off and make a rule that if they come visit they may not touch or hold him. I want to see how I feel at the time, but I know I wont want them to. First of all, he's a newborn with no shots and people carry germs whether they are clean or not. He doesn't need to be passed around to 12 different people within the first 3 days of his life. It just isn't going to happen. No, I think I will have people visit (if I feel up to it) and look with their eyes, not with their hands. He may be limited to a one time hold by the grandparents and that is it. This may sound bitchy, but it's my kid and I get to make the rules.
I just hate the idea of other people holding him, it's selfish I know, but this is why I am usually medicated for my anxiety disorder. It stems off to me needing to be in control of everything and when I am holding him, I am in control. I'm sure I will get over it over some time, but frankly I will probably upset a lot of friends and family and not let people hold him until I'm ready. I know everyone in my life will understand this and they don't really have an option anyway, but I create unrealistic scenarios of problems in my stupid brain. I am worried about post partum, and yet, not worried at all. I know my signs and my limits; as does my husband. I've suffered a good portion of my life with an anxiety disorder that causes depression. I really want to breast feed, so I really want to get through at least the first 3 months of his life without my medication. If I find that I am still a psycho control freak after 3 months that cannot even handle people near my child then I am going to get back on the medication. I want him to be properly socialized and I feel like 3 months old is a good time to at least get more comfortable with my family around him. And then, *hopefully* my medication will be in proper use by the time he is 6 months and I'll feel more comfortable letting my friends hold him...maybe. I'm pretty much the worst person in the world to have the first grandchild and baby among my family and friends. They do not realize how big of a bitch I will be. This wont be fun for them because I'm not going to let them come over whenever they want for a "baby fix". I know my unmedicated mind, and I know it wont happen. But you know what I say to that? Go have your own baby.
I had my 37 week doctor appointment on Friday. I found out that I am a TIGHT 1 cm dialated and 60% e-faced (thinned out) and he is head down. So, my body and baby are headed in the right direction whether I am mentally prepared or not, which is a good thing. I know I'll be a good mom, and I know I can get through the birth. It's dealing with everyone else that has me anxious =/
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