Frankly my dear...

My grandmother, my Leelish passed away February 11, 2012.

I've been avoiding posting about this entire ordeal because it has been a roller coaster ride from hell. Everyday was a new day of fright or hope and it got to the point where we all ran out of both and became numb. She had to be put on a ventilator in order to breath, they ran some tests and could not pin point the infection because the cancer cells were basically trolling it. None of the entirety of anti-biotics they put her on were healing her body from the infection. Her body just was not strong enough, and due to her living will we had to take her off of the ventilator the Thursday before she passed.

I'd like to think that God took that time that she was sedated and could no longer communicate with us to talk to her and bring her to peace to join him in Heaven. I know she's at peace now. If she wasn't I wouldn't be in the state of mind I am in. I had some time to mourn Leelish while we went through this, part of me knew in my heart that this was goodbye. I, however, refused to say goodbye to her, I know I will see her again one day and the thought of goodbye made it seem all too permanent.

I am of course heart broken, and since she has passed I have kind of been numb, I haven't really felt much of anything. I don't know if I've just cried enough and God is saying it's okay, or if my body is in shock. This entire situation I feel like God has held a healing hand over my body and kept me calm for the baby. I thought for sure losing her would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to face, but it wasn't.

I think I will have moments when it will hit me that she's not here anymore. It's weird to think of it and it will probably get worse when B arrives because all I wanted was for her to meet him. And I know she will get to see him from Heaven, but it still sucks down here in the human aspect of things.

Our new reality is going to be a hard one to get used to, it's like the ultimate change that none of us wanted. And I know she's with me, I feel her here watching over me, but I still miss her. I will always miss her until the day we will be face to face again. I hope she is the first person I see when I die. To see her smiling face again, greeting me at those gates, it puts a smile on my face now.