I have had a rough two years with my relationship with God. I lost my grandmother, became a mother, struggled in my marriage, and watched my parents divorce. All of these things put a strain on my relationship with God. I never blamed him for any of this. I knew Leelish was struggling, He wanted her home and took her there. I didn't like it, but I knew she wasn't hurting anymore. I knew that hormones and brain chemicals were ruining my marriage. I prayed and begged for Him to fix me. I needed to fix myself! I finally asked for help from doctors and soon after getting on medication I could better communicate with my husband. God gave us free will. My family members made choices that I don't agree with and I found myself needing God more. I want to represent to my family, and more importantly my children, God's love. WWJD has been my mantra this year. Hello 1999?
The reason I bring all of this up is because I've been focusing more on my relationship with God, and in return, I am seeing his answers and work with me! I have been reading biographies like no ones business lately! I've probably taken out 5-8 books in two months. And these books have really shown me some insight into my walk with The Lord and his plan for me.
First, is it coincidence that I just happened to pick up Stephanie's book (see previous posts) and read about her incredible journey and her never ending love with the Father? No! I literally just grabbed it off of the long and endless shelves of biographies and found her! Now I follow her blog and am constantly inspired by her. Not only in faith, but as a mother and wife. She is what I want to be in a woman. I've struggled for so long trying to find my place in life. I never, in a million years, thought I would want to be a stay at home mom. But once Brayden was born everything about being a homemaker came so naturally to me. I realized, this is it! I found my place in life and unfortunately it brings in zero income.
I have been so blessed the last few months to be able to watch one of my good friend's daughters. Both of our husbands were furloughed this summer and financially it worked out for both of us for me to keep her while they were at work. Cheaper day care for them and a little bit of extra money for us! I knew it would be temporary, and sadly it is coming to a close as they are going to soon be welcoming a new little one into the family. I didn't realize how much me and B would enjoy spending time with this little girl. Taking care of the two of them has been a joy, and quite a learning experience! And now, I think I would like to watch more kids. However, I don't feel comfortable watching a stranger's child and none of my friends are looking for daycare at the moment. I know one beautifully lady has me booked already for 2016! But what do I do until then? I want to put B in preschool, but we want to pay off our debt and move in two years and that leaves us with little to no spending money. I know I could do it myself, but I struggle with laziness and patience. There's a reason I could never be a teacher myself despite my English degree. One kid? Sure! Multiple children of school age? Heck no! Anyway, in this rant I am trying to say I have been praying about my next step in life. I've enjoyed this spending money! I've been able to do more fun things with B and travel a bit. Soon that spending money will be gone and we will be back to the original budget. I've been praying about whether I should look for a job or not. Well now I've read two books that have talked about being a stay at home mom. One woman knew it was her destiny her whole life. Another was unsure. She needed the financial support of her part time job, but she felt God leading her away from working. Soon she followed His lead, quit, and the family remained financially sound with new financial opportunities presented soon after. Is this God leading me? I can't help but think it is!
Unfortunately, this struggle is very real with moms everywhere and it's so sad that we have to go through such an ordeal to decide whether or not we stay home with our babies! And if we don't stay home, we feel guilty! But that's another topic for another day!
My other book I read recently talked about respecting your parents and honoring them despite their faults. Looking for the good in them and focusing on that. And learning from their mistakes and becoming stronger because if them. This book specifically stated a case similar to my own. Due to my family's sensitivity on the subject still, I will remain vague. But again, God was present as I read this chapter. I have struggled with my relationship with my parents after the divorce and I have been seeking help from The Lord. I want to be loving and open, not angry. The Lord forgives and he is the ultimate Judge. So who the heck am I to hold a grudge? This doesn't mean I'm okay with things, but I'm trying very hard to move forward in my life.
God works in mysterious ways. He is an ever constant presence in my life. He shows me He's listening in subtle ways and I just need to open my heart and listen back. It's not easy, but I find that the more I try and stop to listen, the more I hear. And the more I hear, the happier of a person I am. This is important to me as I am not a happy person by default. There's no coincidence that I have happened upon the books I've been reading. And that they talk about things I am directly struggling with (which I did not know when choosing the books). I feel God working in my heart this week. And it feels good.
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