Self-Reflection

Tonight the conversation with my husband took a turn, as it has done almost every night for the last month, for the dark.

I have started coming off of my medicine. A personal decision I have made to try to find the right way to keep my brain in a good place. So far, I have done wonderfully. I have had little side effects besides some physical things that I have been able to handle. The anxiety has been manageable. Everything that I've experienced I expected so it's been easier to handle.

Of course, it's still difficult to feel this impending doom of anxiety every night after the sun sets. However, tonight my husband made an observation that he's never made before, and it made me realize how far I've come.

This summer marks 3 years of recovering from a mental breakdown. Some people see mental breakdowns as different things. For me, the mental breakdown came in the form of severe anxiety every single day to the point that I was taking my son to my mother's house because I felt as though I could not properly take care of him.

A lot of outside factors took place in my life that brought me to that point but one thing came out of it; I promised myself I would never let my anxiety rule my life like that again.

My husband, who has been with me for 10 years now, pointed out that since that moment I have changed for the better. He explained it like this: I gave my mental illness a face, I made it a real and tangible thing. He said up until that point I had been trying to close everything off, but in reality I was walling myself into a small space. Once I released that hold anxiety had on me, and gave it this "face" I broke those walls down and started building out. He said to me, that giving anxiety this reality, this face, it could have gone one of two ways. It could have become overwhelming and scary, but it could have made it something I could square off and fight. I went the latter.

All of this, I have done subconsciously. Sure, in my mind I decided all of these things. However, my husband pointed out that since that moment I started speaking out about my anxiety. I put myself on the line and just come out with it. "I have anxiety disorder" It's not something that defines me anymore and I'm not afraid to speak out about it. He told me it's changed me for the better, it's helped me overcome this and it's helped him understand me better, help me more.

I chose to take this turn on my mental illness because 1. I never wanted to be in that place ever again. and 2. I wanted to help anyone else with mental illness in any way I could. Because I've been there, I never tried to commit suicide, I never planned to commit suicide; but I thought about it. I thought about it a lot, actually. For the first time in my life, I thought those horrible things of "the world is better off without me", "my husband and son will find someone better to love them",  "my family will move on".

I am fortunate enough to have an enormous support system. I was surrounded by friends and family who loved me. I depended fully on my mother for the first time in 25 years. She had to take care of my son, me, and she even took me to the doctor to tell the doctor what was going on because I couldn't even get over my anxiety enough to explain that I was falling apart inside.

I vowed to myself during that time to change. To get over this awful thing happening inside of me.

I am religious. I'd be lying to you if my religion didn't have a significant part to play in my healing process. I prayed a lot that summer. I fell to my knees, sobbing to my God to save me. To fix me. To give me meaning once again.

He listened.

I woke up the next day and had an epiphany. It was like flood gates opened and suddenly I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I knew what career I wanted and upon discussing it with my husband I was encouraged by hearing "that's a great choice for you--you'd be really good at that". I began to set goals for myself and slowly work towards them. I discovered my dream school and realized I could not afford to go, but it didn't make me feel anxious. At this point, I was fully reliant on God. A week later a job fell into my lap. I wasn't looking, I hadn't even shared with a lot of people that my school situation had become what it was.

Suddenly I found myself working full time, being a mother, and soon following was college full time.

I graduated this spring. I graduated Valedictorian of my class. When I was in high school I barely passed at all.

I did all of these things because I chose to square off to my anxiety.

I did all of these things because the Lord has led me down this path every step of the way. He has been so open with me, clearly leading me down roads when I struggle. Even now, I have had struggling moments and after meditation and prayer His answer becomes very clear to me.

Why write about it? Not to try to tell you to believe in God, but to believe in yourself. God helped me, he gave me the strength to do as much as I have as fast as I have. He also gives me free will. Free will to face my anxiety every day and tell it "not today".

I won't sit here and try to say it was easy. It wasn't easy at all. I have struggled, a lot. I have cried more in the past 3 years than I have my entire life. But I feel better afterwards. I let myself have my moment, I listen to my sad music, I sob, I panic, but I don't let it be the route of my thoughts anymore.

I am a new person, a stronger person.

I'm still scared out of my mind. I still question every decision I make. I often tell myself that I can't do this, this career path was just not for me.

But I'm getting a little closer every day and I've come to far at this point to let it win now.