Where Have I Been?

Funny thing about depression/anxiety; it decides to rear it's ugly head at the most inconvenient times. 

So for the past couple of months I've been struggling with myself to be content with life right now. I keep telling everyone I am having a quarter life crisis, I guess. 

I woke up one morning and just decided that I am not fulfilled with life right now. I thought I wanted to settle down and start my family, but then I realized I have literally lived in the same town for 25 years and I have done nothing with my life.

Don't get me wrong, I know I am blessed with the world's coolest kid ever. However, I have also spent the last 2 years taking care of everyone except me. Fighting PP depression on top of that time frame.

And while I love my family and my friends, I love me more. So I finally looked at K and said, "you know what? Screw it, let's move out of the country."

I'm short, when K reaches his next promotion (hopefully in a year) we will be looking for jobs in South Korea first, then Japan.

We are both so young and only have one child so why not? You only live once, why do you have to be held back when you decide to have a family? 

And why do you have to stay in once place forever? You don't. 

And the best part is, if it sucks, I'll just move back home. Hell, we get PAID to live out there. Bye bye debt! Bye bye biggest stress on our marriage EVER! 

There are a lot more things going on right now inside my fantastically terrible brain, but I don't wish to share them publicly.

I just felt like I owed those who cared an explanation of my absence from life. When I get overwhelmed emotionally intend to recluse. I enjoy my privacy and alone time a lot more than I enjoy being social. 

And I'm doing okay. I'm not suicidal or anything, just floundering a bit. And currently I'm on vacation with my mom so that's cool.

In fact, my anxiety has been horrific in the 24 hours I've been here and this evening at sunset I went for a run then sat on the beach alone and it felt amazing. It really refreshed me a bit. I hope it lasts or I'm gonna have to run every day here lol.

Getting My Life Together

At the end of 2013, I decided I really need to get my body healthier and happier. Tina and I always joked that those people who ran every day "had their life together", and if we could ever get to that point we would too.

So we made the decision to start running January 2014. And if we couldn't run, then we would work out in some other way. And our end goal would be running in a 5K color run in September. 

I mostly decided to do this with one goal in mind. And this goal is going to cause me to get yelled at by my mother who will most likely read this. To fit in the skinny jeans I got for Christmas. First off, I can actually button the jeans which is great! However, the muffin top created by said jeans is ultimately hideous. So that was kind of the straw that broke the camels back.

I decided to not weigh myself as I do this because my ultimate goal is a "lifestyle change" not a weight. I want B to grow up eating healthy and being active and I want to be a good example of that. And I want to be healthy and happy with myself too! 

Already I've seen great results. At first I would run out of breath before my body got physically tired of running. Now, my legs start to get weak before I run out of breath! Do you know what a great feeling that is? I can run up my stairs without sounding like a wheezing machine now. I haven't necessarily lost that muffin top yet, I know I need to make more drastic changes in my diet, but I'm a fat girl and it's not that easy. I'm still getting fit and stronger and that's already steps towards my goals.

Winter is proving to also stand in the way. Every week since 2014 began someone in our house has been sick. And the cold air makes my chest burn terrible! I think when spring hits I'll be outside a lot more and can even make a family event out of it. K and B can play in the park while I run the trail, and Allie LOVES running with me. She's a great running dog and good at keeping pace. 

Anyway, I've slowly began to cut junk food out and buy healthier choices in food. Slowly but surely I am getting my life together and I feel great about it! Running is a lot of fun, especially with angry rock music; I run out a lot of aggression that way and it helps my mental stability a lot more. 

And that's my resolution for 2014 and I've done a pretty decent job sticking to it!