What is anxiety to me?

"High-functioning anxiety sounds like…

You’re not good enough. You’re a bad friend. You’re not good at your job. You’re wasting time. You’re a waste of time. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you. You’re so needy. What are you doing with yourself? Why would you say that? What if they hate it? Why can’t you have your shit together? You’re going to get anxious and because you’re going to get anxious, you’re going to mess everything up. You’re a fraud. Just good at faking it. You’re letting everybody down. No one here likes you.

All the while, it appears perfectly calm.

It’s always looking for the next outlet, something to channel the never-ending energy. Writing. Running. List-making. Mindless tasks (whatever keeps you busy). Doing jumping jacks in the kitchen. Dancing in the living room, pretending it’s for fun, when really it’s a choreographed routine of desperation, trying to tire out the thoughts stuck in your head."

I always struggle to find a way to explain anxiety to people who don't understand it. I'm often told "wow I would have never guessed you have anxiety" this is why. If I stop for even a second and let my mind win then I fall into this pit of despair. I often turn to the bad wife/bad mom area. And that's when I end up in a depressed state and fall apart. 

I try to share the posts and quotes I find that help me explain my anxiety better. "What do you do when you have a panic attack?" I just do everything in my power to stop thinking and just stop. That's all I can do. I fight myself all day every day and with the help of medication that fight is a little easier, but it's still there. Pestering me. It's like having a demon inside of you that is trying to convince you how absolutely worthless you are and that you don't deserve anything. 

And that's anxiety for me.