Who is pulling the strings?

I have a lot of conflicting emotions going on inside of me and when I get like this I get to the point where I begin to wonder what is normal worries and anxieties, and what has my brain warped into worries and anxieties. It starts with one thought and it's like a spiral out of control and I don't know how to articulate it into something comprehendible.

I feel sometimes like my brain is so messed up and takes my thoughts to levels and places that I could never even write down. I could never even speak. Because of my mental illness everything gets pushed into this other place inside of me where I get swallowed up by darkness and I have to claw my way out of it.

I try so hard to keep my heart and mind open to the Lord. To listen to Him speak to me and guide me through my emotions and thoughts. But sometimes I wonder what is the Lord and what is evil? Am I taking something evil is planting inside of me and contorting it to be from God? How do I know the difference if Satan keeps them subtle enough to make me question everything?

I speak out about my mental illness, despite how uncomfortable it makes a lot of people because I want to be a beacon of hope for at least one person. If I can push through this and stand through this then so can someone else. But it doesn't mean I don't see the looks, hear the talks of how it's not something that exists. I know I'm crazy, and I hate it. I saw a post once that said when we say we hate ourselves God gets sad because He created us.

I don't hate God, and I don't hate what he made me. I get upset because I have a brain that doesn't work like everyone else. I get upset because I question everything I do and say and wonder if that's how a "normal" person responds. I get upset because I am almost certain I will need to rely on medication to feel remotely okay for the rest of my life. I get upset because my son has to grow up with a mother who is sick. A mother who can't take care of him sometimes because of that sickness. I know without my son I would probably not be here. I know God put him in my life to keep me strong, but I often wonder if that will later burden him to know that?

This leads into the spiral of me hating myself. And I do...I sometimes wonder why God couldn't make me like everyone else.

I wish I could convey my thoughts more clearly. I wish I could sit down with someone and tell them everything I'm thinking and them not look at me with that "look". The one that says they don't get it. Not at all.

I wish I didn't have to feel like this all the time. I get tired. Every day I wake up and fight these demons and it's exhausting. The closer I get to the Lord, the more demons I fight.

I'm not unhappy, I'm not depressed, and I'm not even anxious. I think I'm just confused about some of the directions I am headed and I am getting mixed signals. I need to hear the Lord's answer and know that evil isn't mixing it up.

Devotions tell you to turn to prayer, that God is there ready to speak to you. But they don't tell you how to fight off evil. How to hear God over evil's remarks. It's not always black and white and I don't know how to manage the grey.