Dear depression,

For a month I have felt anxious, stressed, annoyed, and overall horrible.

I am unemployed and I cannot find a job even at a retail location. If I don't get a job by January, I will not be able to afford to get married in May. I was told I had a job and the woman has yet to get back to me. In fact now, she is no longer answering my e-mails. It makes me beyond upset that I can't even think. This woman has ruined my life. If I had gotten the job when she told me I had it, I could have not only gotten married, but bought and built my dream home. Now those dreams are crushed.

Maybe I should stop and say that I have never been certain on what I want to do for a career. I love to write, and I have focused my love for writing as something of a career in my future. But truthfully, I don't know if that's what I want. The only thing I have ever been certain of is my fiance. I've always known we'd be together the minute he kissed me. It just clicked. He's the only thing I have ever been certain of. Yes, we fight a lot, but we're both passionate people. He's willing to understand my craziness and accept it. And now, because of not having this job, we may not even be able to get married. I've been engaged to him for 2 years. We've been together for 4. And now the idea of waiting even longer is hanging out there. The only dream, the only certainty I have ever known has been taken away from me because of a fucking job.

I only have one more semester left in college. I hate school. I am blessed to have parents who are willing to put me through it, but I hate it. I just want it to be done. And now I've gone and flunked yet another class.

I'm feeling hopeless. I feel like a failure. And once again, I feel utterly depressed. I was moving on so well, feeling so much better, but the dark cloud has all too soon come and washed over me. The smallest things set me off into a panicked state of mind. I don't sleep, yet I can do nothing but sleep. I don't eat, yet I do nothing but eat.

I hate everything about my life right now. I hate unknowing.